My husband and I had some serious financial setbacks in our late 20s/early 30s that left us struggling for about 4 years. I naturally gravitated towards my friends with less money and we took turns griping and encouraging each other.
Now we are getting are finally getting ahead but it has caused a weird dynamic in some of those friendships. Like, the fact that I doubled my paycheck is a dirty little secret or something. I worked my ass off to get where I am at, and now that I am there I feel like some of my old friends just wish I was back down in the financial dumps with them.
Anyone experience this? (being the richer or poorer one and then switching?)
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I can't comment precisely to the change in friendships when financial situations move upward or downward, but I do feel like I gravitate toward others who are either in a similar financial boat or who can understand the hardships we're experiencing at that time. That's not to say that I don't want to spend time with our friends who are seemingly more comfortable, but it's definitely not easy when we're struggling (as has been the case for the past year or so). I find that I cannot be as honest with those friends as I could with those who may have experienced at some point some kind of setback. There is something about the camaraderie (as odd as that sounds) of going through a tough time together and being able to lean on people who have actually been there.
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I did not have a change but I do find it hard sometimes to have friends in a different income bracket. Why? I never experienced that when I was in my early 20s, but when we moved somewhere that was more middle-class from somewhere that wages and priorities were lower and different it was hard to relate or feel behind. We never cared until LO came along and changed our perspective combined with the move. Maybe said friends feel inadequate? Envious? Like they cannot relate?
Maybe think about why you gravitated toward those with similar financial situations when you were in a rough patch and you'll have some insight into their feelings? I don't have all of the answers but it is interesting.
It can really shape your life. I have some friends from college who just married and their husbands bought them a house. I just cannot relate and sometimes I cannot afford to do the things they can! -
I use to be intimidated by those with lots more money and material possessions but not anymore. I have friends from all walks of life because of my career path. I use to be a branch manager at a mortgage and lending office before it was bought out by a bigger, national bank. Part of my duties were to QC lending files, be a financial adviser, and also assist in credit repair and disputes as needed. The amount of debt people have and the outflow of their expenses are unbelievable, almost too hard to believe, especially those with the ability to do so. While some are very humble and live beneath their means and just live like the average Joe. Underneath all the facade, people are just trying to find their road to happiness, to support their family, and make it another day. So even after I no longer work there, I still get calls from old clients seeking financial advise or refer friends to me for credit disputes. The most important thing is good health, even money can not buy that for you. For me, it's easier to befriend someone with similar views in family matters, kindness, life philosophies, and educational backgrounds but there is always exceptions too.
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I will never forget the face of a "farmer" that came into our office. She was poorly dressed with stains on her clothing, no makeup on, and looked kind of overworked. She had a bonnet on and really did look like she just came from the farm. But she was so nice and upon entering our branch, our bank president greeted her immediately. They went in the conference room to discuss a private business matter. I knew right then she was no ordinary customer. It turns out she was a "vegetable broker" and is the spokesperson between the farm and local grocery stores. She was also one of our private investors but I would have never guessed that at all! My president said she was wearing a ring worth 200K and I didn't even think it was real at first.
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@lizzywiz: Congrats on getting out of the financial rut! That's really commendable. I can't speak from your friends point of view but I can't imagine that they would wish any financial setbacks for you. Maybe they are just trying to figure out how to get out of the jam for themselves. Anyhow, don't let the negativity get to you. Keep up the good work!
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I work with individuals that have a lot of money and I am very desensitized towards money. The transactions we deal with can be in the multiple millions and my coworkers and I regularly remark how it can be that we think someone with a million dollars with us is "poor" even though we all have far from that in the bank.
So, in short, my friends and I just don't talk about our personal finances. I know we have friends who make more amd friends that make less, and discussions about it never end up turning out well.
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We have another couple we are super close with. The husband works with DH and obviously makes the same. The wife used to work at a retail store making barely above minimum wage like I do while she finished school. So we were often in the "Lets stay in and have pizza and watch a movie" club together. Well a few months ago she got a job in her field and is now making pretty good $$$. We went on a day trip together to the nearest big city and they did a lot of shopping while DH and I just tagged along.
Although I'm super happy for her because she loves her new job, it's making me feel inadequate about my beans for pay.
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@looch: same. :). I don't like talking about finances.
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Well, if you're flaunting the fact that you've doubled your paycheck, that never goes over well with anyone.
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I've found that a lot of my more well-off friends can be kind of insensitive about my situation. I've been unemployed since finishing grad school, have had a bunch of interviews, and still nothing, so I have a VERY tight budget. I have one friend in particular who only wants to visit expensive stores, restaurants and bars, so a while ago I started to decline invites because I can't afford $15 cocktails every weekend. If I try to suggest something cheaper or free, I just get a very unenthusiastic "ok....if that's what you want...." It's gotten to the point where we've both just stopped extending invites to one another, which is sad because we roomed together in college and have been great friends for the last 10+ years. At this point, I feel like the friendship has permanently changed, unfortunately. I doubt we'll be as close in the future as we used to be. So I'd say yes, having different income levels can permanently alter friendships.
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@Kimberlybee: very kind words
@blackbird: agreed, and I hope I can honestly say I am not flaunting anything, in part because...I think I need to clarify: what was a huge financial increase for us wouldn't be considered so by others. I can proudly say that we are now solidly lower middle class
Still driving our '96 Malibu and living in our little house in the bad part of town, but now we don't have to pinch pennies at the grocery store (which is AWESOME). When I said 'dirty little secret' I meant that I felt like my increase in pay was something kind of shameful or undeserved or something (not that it was a secret that I literally wanted to blab about).
Example of said weirdness among friends: me, complaining about my work day. Friend," You don't get to complain, you're making a decent paycheck." And then I reply...nothing, because I had no idea what to say.
I think what I am going through is something similar to being the fried who lost weight, or the friend who got pregnant, or whatever, and it can be weird among your 'support' friends who were going through the same trials but haven't come out on the other side, yet.
Still driving our '96 Malibu and living in our little house in the bad part of town, but now we don't have to pinch pennies at the grocery store (which is AWESOME). When I said 'dirty little secret' I meant that I felt like my increase in pay was something kind of shameful or undeserved or something (not that it was a secret that I literally wanted to blab about).Reply
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