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@ShootingStar: Could you respond and say something like, "we of course appreciate a gift, but I'm sure DH and grandson would rather see you. Can we meet up for lunch at XX on XX?" I would just keep rescheduling (as often and soon-after as possible). If she makes excuses every time, then maybe you should have a honest conversation with her - "You aren't making an effort to see your son or grandchild. I have tried very hard to make arrangements so you can have a relationship with them, but if you aren't interested, we will stop pestering you." As sad as it is, I would write her off at that point and wait for her to reach out.

Does she have any jealousy/animosity towards your parents? Looks like all the events you have mentioned where she cancelled are also events where your mom would be present.

We have a very similar situation with my mum and @Truth Bombs: observation rings very true in our case.......

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

Does MIL struggle with any sort of depression? I have been in the past, and known, people to act like this when they are mildly depressed. Maybe she feels like she really does need to recoop so that she doesn't get too overboard. Just an idea. I mean, maybe it has nothing to do with you.

Is that SIL, as in, her daughter? Is she closer with that daughter or son?

Oh, and for what it is worth, my mum has been like that my whole life. She was shut up in her room most of my childhood with a nasty, threatening sign not to disturb. In college if she came to visit, she'd be gone the whole time shopping for houses or real estate. She is just a jerk. I have had to come to accept that she is just weird, and has her own problems that have nothing to do with me. In other words, "it is just who she is," so maybe that's where your DH is coming from? My mum is extreme though, always marrying someone new, having other children, I lived alone since 14, she built a house down the street...(when I was 14 with her "new" family)

I agree with the others who mentioned that it sounds like it could be depression or social anxiety or both. My mother suffered from both and would often cancel going to events because of it. I don't think you or your husband are to blame. Maybe one of you could bring it up in a gentle, non confrontational way, but if she is dealing with these problems, it might not be a very productive conversation.

I also recall similar threads when people have been in this situation with grandparents visiting/favoring one family over another and it often seems to be that the grandparents tend to favor the daughter's family rather than the son's if there is a closer mother/daughter relationship. I have no idea if that is the case here, but thought it was worth it to point it out.

My grandparents on both sides were much more involved with my cousins than they were with me. My aunt's relied on their parents for help with their kids whereas my parents did not and in one case their was definite favoritism between grandparent and adult child. Proximity also played into it as well. There was plenty of attention from other adults that I didn't feel left out even when my cousins and grandparents were all together and their close relationship was evident.

I understand it may be hurtful, but I don't think it's harmful in the long run.