-
@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I see you point but I think it's a really shitty attitude on the part of the caregivers. I'm glad my son didn't start daycare until he was past infancy. I guess our nanny could have done that too but at least he wasn't competing for attention with other babies.
-
@ElbieKay: Yes, I pray teachers don't do that! That actually makes my stomach hurt!
-
I teach a class of 2yos and agree with the PPs that I can't imagine gifts impacting care. I got some lovely things for Christmas, some regular things, and some didn't gift at all. I was surprised and touched, but if you asked me now what parents went above and beyond I couldn't remember to tell you. It certainly didn't make me favor their children.
-
@Mrsbells: Nope, sorry, my kid has been in daycare since she was 3 and a half months old (she's almost 4 now), and I am 100% with everyone who finds that this is bribery (your motivation, not the actual gift giving) and that if giving gifts will actually impact the quality of care, you're in the wrong daycare. Our daycare doesn't have a policy against gift giving, but the classroom moms organize a gift from the class for Christmas and Teacher Appreciation Days, and individual teacher birthdays and baby showers. We have always given small gifts (card and gift card of ~$25) on top of that to each of our classroom teachers because they've taken wonderful care of my daughter. If I ever felt like I had to give them a gift to get better care, I would be looking for another daycare, and providers that do this are shady and shouldn't be trusted with kids.
-
@Orchid: that's what I was trying to say re: psychology. Even if the receiver of the gift doesn't change or alter their behavior toward the child, it may cross their mind, and will that alone affect behavior? (Even in well intentioned adults.) Now I want to do a study!
-
I have always given small Christmas/end of year gifts (usually $20 gift cards) and definitely don't consider it bribery. With that said, when my kids first went to school, my husband thought we should get the teachers $100 gift cards because he had no point of reference. THAT would have seemed like a bribe to me.
-
@Mrs. Carrot: I understand your point of view BUT i think you are saying the same thing as me. because why are you giving them a $25 gift card at all to show appreciation, instead of just saying "thank you I appreciate you"? You already pay a lot for the service. but you give a gift to emphasize that you really appreciate it and that does translate into they way they view your child whether we like to think of it that way or not. so indirectly your giving has the effect of them being more appreciative to your child as compared to the child that didnt give anything
-
@anothermom: haha wow $100 would have been a lot!
for xmas gifts we dont gove over the $30 to $35 range but for other times in the year we stick to $20 to $25 for giftcards and then add something like candy -
At least in my mind if I give gifts, it's not because I want to bribe them! It's because I truly appreciate what they do! Now I am sure if you're gifting extravagant gifts for every occasion possible it can come across as a little bribe-isn...
-
@Mrsbells: I know, right?! Hahaha. To be completely honest, though, we did a big gift when my first graduated preschool. The teachers were so nurturing and I wanted to thank them, and it didn't feel like a bribe since we weren't going back.
-
I don't view a thank you/appreciation gift as bribery. I know some have mentioned that "you already pay a lot for the service" but in the case of daycare workers or preschool teachers, they are not making very much relative to what you pay. (And let's not get started on teacher salaries in general!) I have the means to give a thank you gift to show my appreciation for their hard work in a job that I frankly could not hack it in -- I don't do it to bribe my son's preschool teachers into being nicer to him, but to show they are appreciated, full stop. My sisters both teach at a middle school that is pretty evenly split between low-SES and more well-off families. They don't prefer the well-off kids even though those are the ones bringing them tervis tumblers and target gift cards. They also don't expect gifts but very much appreciate them as teachers who are often paying out of their own (small) salaries for things like classroom supplies, etc. In general, I think the bribery talk is a pretty jaded view of teachers/caregivers! Sure, there might be a few who treat kids differently based on the "loot" they receive, but that has got to be the exception, not the rule.
(Full disclosure: we have a salaried nanny and I still give her nice gifts on occasions like holidays and her birthday because we value her work and her as a person -- not bc I think it will translate into better care for my child.)
-
Yes, for the record, you may pay a lot for daycare, but the average daycare teacher makes $10/hour. That's about 20k a year. Those Target gift cards I got for Christmas went for diapers for my own children and the little frivolous gifts were a welcome indulgence.
-
I think the OP's motivation is bribery, and if you feel you need to bribe your teachers into better care, that means you're not comfortable with the care your child is receiving. So I would be reevaluating the daycare.
That being said, I honestly think it's naïve to say that gifts have zero bearing on a teacher's perception/feelings towards a child/their family. I'm not saying it's a quid pro quo situation (you give me a gift, I give your kid preferential treatment), but I do think that gift giving shows your teachers that you are appreciative of all that they do and when you feel appreciated, it's certainly easier to deal with the hard days at work. So I don't think it's as horrifying as others that a teacher may have more fond feelings towards a child whose parents show appreciation vs a child whose parents take the teachers for granted. I believe the value of the gift is in the thought, not the $ amount though. So if a teacher were to give better care to a child whose parents gave her $100 vs. a child whose parents gave a token gift and a thoughtful note, that would upset me.
@anothermom: We've given $100 gift cards to teachers. That amount is affordable to us, and we gift because we are able to, and we want to help our teachers do things like provide a nice Christmas for their own children because they do so much for our children. I don't consider that a bribe, I consider that as my husband and I being fortunate enough to share with people who are meaningful in our lives.
-
thanks everyone you all make good points and bring up different perspectives and I agree with most of them which is why its an agonizing thing for me.
@anothermom: yes we tend to do a bigger give when we DD left her old daycare just to say a big thanks for everything since she was there for 3 years. we knew it was our last chance to give them anything
-
@Mrsbells: I don't think we're saying the same thing. I do say thank you. A gift is an additional form of saying thank you. You're talking about a gift as a motivator to treat your child differently. If I had any inkling of my child being treated differently because I give gifts, I wouldn't be in that daycare. And if I had any inkling of my child not being treated the way I expect them to be treated, I would be taking it up with the director or looking for a different daycare, not giving a gift as motivation to change the behavior. One is a reward, the other is an incentive. I equate it to tipping in a restaurant. I'm not paying up front to be treated well, I say thanks for great service after the fact.
-
@Mrs. Carrot: I understand your restaurant analogy but it only applies to situations where your child is leaving the class. but for xmas or valentines day or other such days where your child will continue to be in that class I think its extremely naive to think that giving a gift wont impact the way your child is treated regardless of how many times your move them to find the perfect daycare, its still human beings that take care of them that are subject to normal human emotions. Having said that we can agree to disagree on that.
-
@Mrsbells: We can definitely agree to disagree. My biggest concern in your post is that you feel the need to influence a behavior that should come naturally to a provider (or at least because they're being paid to take care of your child properly). I'm not naive to think that my gifts don't have influence on our teachers, they are indeed human and may respond more favorably, but I'm not doing it to change their behavior. They already behave as I expect them to toward my child. If your providers aren't meeting that expectation, that would be a flag for me
-
Definitely not. It makes them feel thanked and appreciated. Everyone needs a little of that sometimes.
-
@Truth Bombs: I'm sorry I was so insensitive! For me, I think it's more about what is the norm at my school or in my area. If when I asked around, everyone said they did $100 gift cards, I'm positive that's what I'd be doing too. But because all the other moms I know do around $20, $100 seems like a big jump.
In a sort of related way, the gifts we give for classmates' (or other friends that are not very close) birthday parties are $25-40 because that seems to be the norm around here. However, one birthday my son received a $200 check and a book from someone we're not close with at all and it made me feel really uncomfortable. I was hoping we'd be invited to their son's birthday so we could "give it back". If it was from very close friends, I wouldn't feel so uncomfortable. -
I am 100% with @Mrs. Carrot: , @Truth Bombs:, and the other posters who find that your motivation for giving gifts--to improve the care your son receives-- is bribery and that you are in the wrong daycare. There is no way I would send my infant to a provider who is more loving/attentive (or, in your case, finally adheres to state regulations like not propping bottles) because of a bag of candy or $25 gift card.
-
@pwnstar: Thanks. I'll go back and reread my post but I dont think i said the gift was to make them stop bottle propping.
we took the bottle prop incident VERY seriously as you can tell from my frantic tone in the other post. DH spoke to managment and the teachers and I also put it in writing and to our knowlegde that issue was resolved and hasnt repeated itself and we both stop by randomly. and they have a set up that allows parents inside the center to see the babies without the babies seeing us if we want to stop by at lunch etc without upsetting the kiddos. so we see the teachers without entering the room before they can see us -
I guess I do kind of think it's bribery, but only a little. in a way it's like any professional preferring to work with customers who show appreciation for the services being provided, you might shine your shoes a little better for that meeting. But it wouldn't make you neglect others, especially when you are talking about daycare.
-
@Mrsbells: I give gifts to our teachers at every opportunity. I don't do it to bribe them - I think they are wonderful. I think it's more like "hey I know my kid can be trying at times and I want you to know I don't take for granted that you are kind and keep him safe every day." If I thought my gifts would somehow influence them to treat my kid better and THAT'S why I was giving them, it would mean I wasn't totally happy with the care he was getting without the treats and that just sucks.
-
@Mrsbells: You didn't say that the gift was to stop the bottle propping. What you did say was that you hoped the gift(s) would improve the care your son receives--I used bottle propping as an example. The point being you shouldn't have to gift anything for your son to receive good care. And you certainly should not have to gift anything for your son to receive, at a minimum, the standard of care that complies with state mandated requirements.
-
@Modern Daisy: i think thats how DH and his coworkers see it too and the more i read posts on here i think i agree with him more rather than less
-
No way do I consider teacher gifts a bribe for better care for my children! That's downright offensive, and I agree with the others that your daycare is suspect. If I thought this, or if other parents insinuated that this worked, I would get my kids out of that place pronto! We have a daycare with a wide range of income levels among families. I'm sure all do, but ours is university-affiliated, and the difference in income between a family of two medical doctors and two grad students is pretty well-known. I'm very involved in our daycare, stop by during the workday to feed a nursing infant, am on the parents advisory committee, and have a close friendship (outside school, not my kid's teacher) with a teacher on staff. Most families do not give gifts outside of Christmas and Teacher Appreciation week, and the amounts are not substantial even for those. Regardless, children are treated consistently but differently based on their unique personalities, even from infant. And I've had 2 kids there from infant.
Gifts may make the teachers like the parents better though.
-
@Shannon: thanks! but then if it makes the teacher like the parents better does that not impact how they treat the kid?
at DDs old daycare some parents used the teachers for childcare on the weekends, and there was definitely a sense that those parents who paid for extra care on the weekend were BFFS with the teachers and I assume that might indirectly affect how their kids get treated
-
@Mrsbells: I don't think I was very clear. I'm saying that there's not a big difference in how well one child is treated vs another at our daycare. The kids are treated consistently. I fully believe that the level of care given is as equal as possible and that there is no better care given to kids when the teacher receives gifts or likes the parents better. The only differences I've seen are due to that specific kid's personality.
If it's not a big deal for you, that's fine. Maybe you have different expectations for your caregivers than I do. Feeling like I needed to give gifts to get my children good care would personally be a deal breaker for me.
-
@Shannon: yes i understood that part. I was curious though when you said the teacher might like some parents more. thats why I asked how liking one parent more than other would might impact the teacher-child relationships.
This is why some daycares and even schools dont let a teacher have their own child or grandchild in their class for fear of unintentional favoritism -
FWIW, as a daycare provider, my feelings about the parents don't usually parallel my feelings about the children. Of course I prefer some parents to others, but that doesn't mean I prefer their children. There are parents I find delightful whose children are challenging, and parents I find haughty whose children are lovely. Of course we try to not let our feelings impact quality of care at all!
-
@MrsSRS: that's actually a very good point
-
@MrsSRS: Well said.
I would fully expect that some of our daycare teachers do not care for my husband. He doesn't sugar coat anything or think of how he says things. He can be quite harsh. But while my kiddo is far from perfect, the teachers always comment favorably on her and love on her. I would expect that my gifts to the teachers help to view me and DH more favorably, but that it wouldn't translate into treating our child differently. They love her for who she is.
And if a teacher can be "bought" with a gift they are in the wrong career path. Teachers need to enjoy what they are doing. It's a hard job and I'm certain they can find pay that is equivalent without the challenges of dealing with young kids.
-
@MrsSRS: thanks for making that point regarding the separation of parent feelings and child feelings. Of course teachers are humans and have more favorable feelings to some kids, but the idea that a $50 gift card to Target or something would produce measurably different feelings toward a kid is baffling to me. I've met many a trying parent in my time, but that child is their own person, who doesn't endorse their parents actions good or bad, and we get to build our relationship apart from the one I have with their parents. Honestly, a person who could be swayed by gifts shouldn't be caring for/teaching children because that's a terribly disrespectful way to treat a child (thus, why I said I'd switch providers).
-
I've never worked in a daycare/preschool setting, but I have worked in Elementary and Middle Schools and have received gifts from students/parents over the years (never anything extravagant), and in no way did it change how I felt about the individual kid.
I often give my students little treats--special pencils on state test day, special bookmarks if I notice them doing something amazing. I'm not giving them out so the students treat ME better--I just appreciate that school is hard, and I'm glad they are there sticking it out every day with me. It's just a little token of appreciation, and I think of gifts from parents/students the same way. Also...maybe parents don't realize it, but teachers and students really bond when they are together for a whole school year. I have been downright sad when a year is over because I have such a great class--and I've had kids bawl at the end of the year because they don't want a new teacher. So I think small gift giving is kind of an extension of that relationship. I don't know, it's just normal/acceptable to me, given that everyone involved (giver and giftee) realizes that it's a thank you and not a hope for treatment better than other kids get.
Since I'm a teacher myself, and I know how much preparation goes into special days at school, I always get my LOs teachers something. And if I get the teachers something, I get our nanny something so it's all equal. I gave all 3 of them a little treat yesterday. And all of them gave my LO valentines/little gifts. I know her teacher was up late the night before, tying ribbons on the bags of pencils/erasers/notepads she gave each kid. I'm more than happy to thank those efforts with some drug store chocolates LO picked out.
Child care (of all ages) is hard--it's draining. I have middle schoolers now, which are supposed to be easier, but it isn't easy. They are emotional, complicated, sometimes volatile, sometimes wonderful creatures. Anyone that gets into this business in hopes of getting Starbucks gift cards won't last long--it just isn't worth it if you aren't in it because you genuinely like kids.
I guess I just have a hard time imagining that if a daycare worker is kind of shitty at their job, and doesn't seem to care about kids or safety (ie, willing to bottle prop), then a gift card or some chocolates will make them better at their job. So maybe if it's supposed to be bribery, I would say it's highly likely to be unsuccessful.
-
@MrsSRS: Thank you. That's the point I was trying to make, although inelegantly.
- Google Plus
- Stumbleupon
- Twitter
- Facebook
- Pinterest
- Favorite0
74 comments