dh and i are finally settling into our new home and he's been traveling a lot for work and it's just setting in how lonely and isolating being a sahm really is. i don't have any friends who are also home and the yoga and story time classes i take with A are all me and nannies and grandparents.. and i can forget my single friends..
i know winter is making it tough too and also A's want to always be with me and not nap or sttn and I'm grateful that i am able to be home with her, but boy is this tough..
any other sahms dealing with this. what do you do? how do you cope?
pomegranate / 3791 posts
I'm dealing with this too, although I just went back to school to finish my degree this semester and OMG, it is so nice having two days a week that I get to interact with other adults. It's even harder now that I have two, because most of the playgroups and story time activities (though they are few and far between where I live) are geared towards toddlers, and the baby is getting old enough to not be content with just chilling out while I do stuff with his big brother.
No advice really, just commiserating!
papaya / 10343 posts
so I don't really feel this way at all BUT I think it is because I worked at home for 6 years before I had LO and the first 2 years of that was a rough transition for me. So I think I was just used to being alone before LO came along.
The best thing I did was find my people. I don't see a lot of people in person anymore during the week because who has time, but I have lots of people I chat with on Facebook and/or text with. All of them have jobs but they are my friends and we stay current on each others' lives by chatting throughout the day each day. The fact that I have a bunch of people I'm talking to all the time (if even online) makes me feel connected and not lonely.
But also I think some people just have more of a personality for it than others. I'm a homebody so I think this life suits me just fine. If your'e really outgoing or just like being out and about a lot I think you'll have a harder time for a bit, but keep in mind that this time isn't forever! Your LO will be older soon and then it will be easier to go out.
honeydew / 7463 posts
I'm not sure how many weeks PP you are but this was totally me, especially in the beginning. Still do feel that way sometimes, but it's getting better.
I know it's not exactly what you want to hear, but it WILL get better ask your LO gets older and more like a person. Then it feels like you're with a little person and not a blob Which is less lonely in itself.
Another thing I like to do is just go for a walk or just go somewhere for coffee. Just being around other people reminds me that there is a world out there. It's easy to get cooped up, especially in winter.
Lastly, someone recommended to me that I take Vit D, B Complex and Fish Oil. They really helped! I found I felt extra lonely when I was still a bit PPD/bluesy. These vitamins can help boost mood and energy, which in turn makes you less susceptible to the sad/lonely thoughts. It worked for me, but of course doesn't mean it will work for everyone. But they are natural vitamins that we all need anyway so maybe can't hurt?
Sounds like you just moved, so maybe do some googling for new moms groups in your area? I'm in NYC so it's pretty easy, not sure what more suburban areas are like, if that's where you are...but having a group of moms as a soundboard was great at first. And in the 5 months since I joined they have become very close friends. It's a group of about 10 girls and I see at least one of them once a week. We've set aside Wednesday's as our penciled in get together day and usually someone is willing to do a play date or get lunch. It has made a HUge difference!
Probably not sharing anything groundbreaking, but hope it might help a little.
If you want to chat more, feel free to message me!
honeydew / 7909 posts
I'm a sahm 5 days a week and I agree with everything you said. It's very lonely and isolating.
persimmon / 1135 posts
A is 9 months (7 corrected) and is becoming more fun and interactive, but it's still tough.. I'm not an outgoing person at all so my first reaction when i'm feeling down is to isolate even more.. which obviously makes things worse.
we are in Northern NJ and finding mom groups has been tough, but i am really going to try so that once it gets nicer out i can have something
pomegranate / 3275 posts
We are living the same life....
We just moved to a new city where I know no one. I have taken my kids to a few open plays at a gymnastics place and put my two older kids in gymnastics. NO ONE TALKS TO ME! It is painful. I have left almost in tears before, because really?! How hard is it to strike up a conversation with the obviously new person!??!
Luckily I have met one mom in my neighborhood who is fun and does things, but her kids are all a year older than mine and the opposite gender, thus making playdates a little harder.
It is hard! I try to not cry and that's the only way I cope. I also know that it will get better, I have been here before and it takes a few months to make friends. I just figure that as long as I keep putting myself out there, I will make some friends and it takes time.
hostess / watermelon / 14932 posts
I wasn't as lonely when I had DD1. But this time around im losing it. I think a mix of the weather (im south of Boston) and not being able to get out of the house, DH working long hours and just generally being with an infant and a two year old around the clock. I signed her up for a music class that starts in 2 weeks so hopefully that'll help ease some of the winter blues.
persimmon / 1135 posts
@MamaBehr: i felt the exact same way at baby yoga and story time. i had only joined story time at the second class of the season so i only missed one and all the other women (albeit nannies and grandmothers) were talking to each other and me and A were just playing alone, which we could've done at home
grapefruit / 4580 posts
I'm with you - I'm home with a 9 month old and 2.5 year old and have done really lonely days. We recently moved too and managed to make s few friends before the holidays/cold weather set in, but I'm really hoping we can meet more when it warms up and is easier to do informal meet ups outdoors.
I've struggled with finding moms groups, since the ones for older kids are well established, and I feel bad bringing a toddler to hang out with first time moms and new babies.
I try to FaceTime family each day so I get to talk to an adult. That helps a bit with feeling lonely.
Classes help, although I have t really made friends to hang out with outside of class. I think I iust need to be more assertive and "make the first move" in arranging playdates, haha. But that's hard!
pomegranate / 3275 posts
@littleredhairedgrl: I even thought it would be easier this time since I have an almost 5 yo and a 3 yo because they really do need friends and playdates. But, nope! Let's hope warmer weather brings warmer moms
persimmon / 1147 posts
Awe don't worry things will get better as the weather gets better! I've always been a person who doesn't mind a lot of alone time but even towards the end of winter with the lack of things to do and people to see eventually gets to me too. It will feel easier once you have the freedom to go sit outside or play at the park. It will also get easier when your LO gets older and more like a companion. My older DD is 2.5 and feels more and more like a little girl versus a baby every day. Also don't hold back from chatting with the grandparents and nannies when you're out! Sometimes having an adult conversation (no matter with who) makes you feel less isolated.
cherry / 241 posts
I'm not a SAHM but I definitely feel the isolation on weekends when DH is working. Especially this winter! I usually go to a local mall and walk laps with LO to get some energy burned and people watch.
Dance parties for two are always fun! Put on some music and boogie. Even with an infant, do a little waltz
cherry / 241 posts
@littleredhairedgrl: Hugs! It will get better as the sunshine comes
pear / 1961 posts
totally normal! sometimes even trips to the grocery are nice just to be around other adults, even if you aren't really talking to them. i also do a lot of FaceTiming with family & friends that don't live close...luckily i have several that are SAHMs and my parents are retired so there are a number of people available to chat during the day!
honeydew / 7295 posts
We are so lucky that the weather has been beautiful but I have the issue of being a very self isolating person. I don't know what happened to me because I was such a social creature in my 20s but in my 30s I became much more reclusive and I find that I hate making plans or being hemmed in to social situations even though I'm sure I need the interaction. I'm making more of an effort these days not just for myself but for my son. I have become very socially awkward though and seem to prefer socializing on media. It's sick and sad. Seeing an old friend today which will help. It's hard but it's up to us to find ways to make new friends. Meetup.com, local indoor parks, childrens museums, library storytimes, and Facebook groups can help.
pineapple / 12234 posts
It's so hard when you have an infant! The toddler years are less lonely because you have someone to talk to. When my parents take my older two and I'm at home alone with N (7 months), I don't know what to do...I talk with her but it definitely feels more lonely.
pomegranate / 3716 posts
I totally understand! I'm only home alone with LO for 3 days a week, but I still feel lonely... this cold Chicago winter is making me blue as well since it's too cold to leave the house most days!
cherry / 215 posts
It is very lonely, I agree. I'm home still with my almost 22 month old now. I kept going back and forth about going to work, and just as my deadline for truly going back to work was approaching (I decided I would start applying Jan 2015), I got pregnant again. LOL
grapefruit / 4291 posts
It definitely can be rough and lonely but I think sometimes you have to be the person who butts into conversation and says hi. We moved away from all our friends and family last year and I really had to make an effort to say yes to any invitations and introduce myself to people so that I could rebuild my support network.
clementine / 927 posts
The winter just intensifies the loneliness. I am sooo ready for spring.
persimmon / 1135 posts
yeah winter definitely makes it worse
pear / 1849 posts
@littleredhairedgrl: Not sure where you are in Northern NJ but what about trying one of the Baby Bootcamp or Stroller Strides classes? I did that for almost 2 years after LO was bored and met some great ladies while also getting in a workout.
nectarine / 2134 posts
I'm not a SAHM but I take one day off a week to be with M. We've connected with some great mamas through (indoor) swim classes and moms groups. Don't get discouraged with moms groups though, it's taken us going to a couple of different ones until I found a good group of women that I like hanging out with. And I've been to quite a few events/classes where people were not as friendly as I'd expected. Just keep trying new activities and meeting new people and you'll find your tribe of mamas I definitely feel like finding new mom friends is kind of like dating! It's hard work, emotionally draining, and time-consuming!
pomegranate / 3401 posts
I totally felt this way when we moved to a new city with a 5 month old. I actually joined the local Stroller Strides and met some of my closest friends that way. It was much better/easier than meeting people at the library/park because of the facilitation by the teacher, for example at the beginning of every class during warm ups you go around and I troduce yourself and your baby. Maybe try Stroller Strides if you guys have it around you? Or even a MOMs Club? I know they have chapters all over!
cantaloupe / 6920 posts
Interesting. I've actually found that being a Sahm gets me out of the house more. My anxiety wad so much worse pre-zuma and now I don't want to keep her shut in with my loner self all day so I make myself get out. And I've also made new friends in my neighborhood just from having kids in common.
I'm sorry you are struggling I'd try and find a local playgroup and go from there!
cherry / 229 posts
I totally feel you! I'm actually part time stay at home part time working, but I was all stay at home for a while and I was so lonely. I still struggle with it and get anxious thinking at being home alone with my lo. I love her, but I just wish she could talk to me or that I didn't believe it was going to harm her to turn the TV on (the background noise really helps, but I'm so scared of it messing her up). I don't have mom friends and all the friends I have are busy during working hours. I also struggle to get out of the house because I want to prioritize naps! Anyways, I totally feel lonely, you aren't alone in that. I hope it gets better for you!
persimmon / 1135 posts
thanks for the advice everyone!
@SeptMomma12: we are in Bergen County. i am looking into a local stroller strides group and hopefully that will help with meeting people.
@anonysquire: this spring i'm hoping to get out a lot more, but the isolation was definitely magnified by the fact that A was 9 weeks early and we were very cautious about having her out and around large groups of people.
@msplatypus: haha i feel the same about the tv. it helps to distract her during feedings but i'll only put on pbskids because it's more educational and then i try to just play music, but i do like the background noise.
pear / 1849 posts
@littleredhairedgrl: I'm in Bergen County too! I know people who have done the Stroller Strides at Riverside Square and liked it a lot. I did Baby Bootcamp (at Paramus Park in the winter and Van Saun the rest of the year) and loved it. Only stopped because my son wouldn't tolerate sitting in the stroller once he turned 2. Let me know if you want the owner's contact info - she's great.