It's far from a perfect house, but I'm so attached to all the work we've put into it!
This thread has been closed by the original poster.
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@agold: My clinic is pretty flexible before your stim schedule is set - when I go in for my shots class they're going to go through the calendar with me to make sure I don't have any conflicts, I think if I did they'd just extend the birth control to make everything fall in a convenient place. My fingers are crossed for you!
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@jaguar: Yea, I feel like maybe there's that one good combo somewhere one day. But my bank account is not bottomless and I'm not sure how depleted it is willing to get to find that good egg.
@agold: Thats so sweet of you. Selfishly, this makes me miss my sister even more and wish she could still be here to help like that. I feel like I would have easily been on board with a sisters egg cause then at least it could still be my parents "real" grandchild even if it wasn't "mine".
My clinic has me start BC for cycling on CD3.
@YogiRunner: Retrieval day is day '0'. Start counting day one the next day. -
@Carobee: Fingers crossed for you, too! I'm getting so anxious to start.
@PurplePumps: My bank account is not bottomless either. That's why we plan to only do one IVF. Anything beyond this will be borrowed debt. But if the one doesn't do the trick, I'll surely be sad to stop "trying". I don't know about your sister, but I'm very sorry whatever the circumstances are that are causing you to miss her. Do you think you will ever be able to adjust your thoughts on what a "real" grandchild could be and what child you could consider "mine"? I know that's a tough question. I battle with these too.
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@agold: I hate that on top of how emotional this is that we have to deal with financial issues too. I honestly don't know about the loss of the genetic connection to a child. That is my biggest battle right now. I feel like it shouldn't be, there are adoptive and step kids everywhere that feel a non-bio mom is more their real mom and any genetic connection, but I don't know how and if I can personally get over it. At this point I'm willing to try IVM (it's supposed to cost less than IVF and no meds, waiting to hear from the clinic on those details) and another round of IVF. I haven't even really discussed DE with my husband yet. (I'm sorry to be vague about my sister. I don't talk about it much, but she was in a bus accident when she was 13 and didn't survive.)
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@PurplePumps: So my husband and I both struggle with the same things you are talking about regarding donor eggs or adoption - one of us more than the other. Thats why we know we will stop our journey at IVF. Although, I'm not familiar with IVM, but its probably something I would look into trying if a doctor suggested it. Otherwise, I'll try to enjoy my life and keep hoping for that lazy miracle egg and lazy miracle sperm I know must exist to meet up and give me my miracle baby! But oh it pains to think about crossing over the threshold between this stage I'm in and that stage. (I'm so very sorry about your sister. I wasn't intending to ask for details. You sound like such a strong and amazing girl.)
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@agold: We had discussed this before and "knew" that adoption or donor would not be an option for us. I was so sure of it. Now that it's knocking at my door as maybe the only chance, I don't know I'm so sure anymore. We'd only discussed this when we were still confident something could work for us. He doesnt like to think ahead and consider things like this until he has to... he has more hope (or is just more in the moment) than I am. Everyday my mind races from ok, we can do a donor egg (another part of my issue is I feel like i'm giving up and admitting "defeat" too if I do this) to I guess it'll just be the two of us. I even looked at smaller houses on the market today to see what we could downsize to and tried to picture myself in a different home.
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Yikes. My RE's office just called back to tell me that after my ultrasound tomorrow morning, I'll be meeting with so-and-so to go over "financial clearance." Gulp. Ugh. Financial clearance. She should have just said, "we need to also meet to discuss draining your life savings." She said it so cheerfully I almost didn't know what was going on.
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@PurplePumps: I know what you mean about holding a firm position early on. That's where I'm at now, so I try not to say I would never consider donor eggs or adoption. Do you think you could be happy with just the two of you? I know my sister and husband probably wouldn't have been. But I think my husband and I could be. I really don't ever want to admit defeat either. So something that always gives me hope is this girl whose blog I follows. (I already mentioned it on hellobee so sorry if you saw it.) But she major IF problems and did all sorts of years' worth of treatments before using donor eggs and a surrogate. Surrogate got pregnant with twins, and the girl three months later got pregnant with a miracle baby. So that's why I still like to think that I will always hold out hope for my own miracle baby.
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@agold: I'm not really sure. It wasn't really a life I had imagined. I think I could learn to accept it though. I'm 36, happy or not... I feel like time will take away the choice for me soon enough anyways.
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@PurplePumps: I know. The finance thing is an extra blow. We're in talks about how many more stims we can afford before this is it for us. And that's hard to swallow.
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@agold: I hate those calls too! Hope it works out better than you expect.
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@PurplePumps: I hate time more than finances.
@jaguar: It is so hard to swallow. My husband doesn't want to finance an IVF. But I try to remind him that we finance our cars, home, education. I'd hate to not do an extra IVF (if thats what i wanted to do) because we didn't have the full cash on hand at the start. But at some point, you just can't anymore, I guess.
@AmeliaBedilia: I hate those calls too! I knew I'd have to pay at the start, I just don't know what I didn't think that this little pre-ultrasound that it feels like I requested myself would be considered the start. At the same time, I'm excited to start. Nothing like groping a bucket of cash at the RE to make the IVF feel real!
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Meds arrived today. Lots of meds. And Lucrin (down-reg) starts tomorrow. Bring on the drugs for round #5.
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@PurplePumps: I'm really sorry about this news. Another difficult crossroad. I'm thinking about you and sending hugs.
About this conversation of kids/no kids and cars and houses and "will it ever happen to me?", I have many thoughts and feelings and honor all of those expressed here. I'm usually very much into "going there" and feeling all of my feelings. However, a dear friend who survived IVF and then breast cancer told me: for now, put all of that kind of thinking and feeling on a box on the shelf. Take it down and mull it over when necessary. She told me to simply live each day and stay in the present and don't stare into the abyss too often when going through this sort of thing. Make decisions with what you have in front of you and go 110% in that direction. For what it's worth...it's the only way my husband and I are able to function through this so far. And it's very early days... If we aren't successful with IVF, we will have some major work to do to figure out the next step AND keep our marriage together. So I'm just keeping myself right here, right now.
@carobee: Wow, we are on similar paths! Even with recently-diagnosed severe MFI! I may be a bit older, which is where our similarities and experiences might be different. (Seriously, I never thought twice about my age and conceiving naturally until MFI and IVF/ICSI became our only option. Borderline high FSH ladies are getting preggo all the time naturally! Now I hear about it all the time and feel like a dinosaur.) But anyway, I'll be on a luteo-Lupron protocol, so I think that means I start Lupron (and continue with BCPs?) on like CD 21 and then continue with that until my period and then.... Well, they will discuss my schedule with me next Tuesday after my SSHG/TT, so I'll know then. I understand this protocol is a pretty standard place to start so others on here might know what happens when. Do you know which protocol you'll be on?
@agold: I forgot to reply about DH's vitamins. They are called ConceptionXR by Theralogixpharmaceutical. Apparently there is some research that they can help improve success rates of IVF by improving sperm quality (what's there anyway!). Success rates are great and all, but I honestly just like that DH is involved and has to remember to do something in this process like take vitamins twice a day. Regarding your other question about any early pre-cycle procedure/things to do, my RE just had me start BCPs CD1 and do a SHSG (get that wrong every time!) and trial transfer during the first three weeks of BCPs (before Lupron starts). So I'm going in next Tuesday for that. And we'll also spend time on schedule, shots and money!
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@jaguar: good luck, lady! May this batch of drugs do the trick!
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@agold: I agree. The time factor blows waaay more than the financial aspect imo too.
@jaguar:
@Amorini: Yea, living the now is a good approach, and I've been able to stick with for the most part and take a day at a time and just look forward to the next treatment. But there are just definitely rougher days where I cannot deny what my new reality of a future may be and it's just impossible not to look around at what I had prepared for my vision of a future and just become overwhelmed.
Well, I got the information for the list of diagnostic testing this last RE requires (very thorough, I will certainly go through with it and wish I'd pushed for all this just for peace of mind before accepting "unexplained" and just jumping into IVF) and they sent a donor egg info packet too "so that I would have it just in case I decide to consider it". I flipped through it and of course there was a financial page in it that caught my eye. Fees, meds, this that.... HO-LY F_ing SH!T. I told my husband to guess how much. He says 5k. I'm like, stop messing, you SERIOUSLY think 5k? I'm serious, guess. He says yeah, 5k. 40. Fourty. FOUR ZERO! I was thinking 15-20k? Maybe 25 tops... but geeeeeeeeeez. Even if I were ready for it, I honestly don't know if I can handle that since it's not even really a guarantee.
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@PurplePumps: Wow! That's insane. Is that for donor eggs plus IVF or just donor eggs?
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@AmeliaBedilia: I think that is all inclusive except for genetic testing
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@PurplePumps: whoa! Scary number. How many eggs and possible FET rounds are included? I hope you know that I have complete respect for all that you have been through and what you are facing. When I shared my current mindset, I definitely wasn't suggesting that just 'staying in the present' was all you needed or applied to your situation. On the contrary! Feeling crummy and overwhelmed and frustrated and scared are definitely where I would be, if I were in your shoes... (And I have a 60% chance of being there, according to the stats. Ugh.)Just wanting to say that and send special hugs.
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@Amorini: Thanks. No, I completely understand what you were saying. It's definitely not a fix all for us, but it definitely helps to not get overwhelmed. It didn't go into that amount of detail, much of that would depend on how many eggs they could retrieve from the donor. I will not truly be considering it for a while. We decided we will move forward to try IVM, and at least one more IVF cycle.
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@PurplePumps: Holy f*'ing sh*t INDEED. Not fair. Not fair at all.
So you guys - I went to a session at a "mind/body" institute here in Boston today to focus on fertility, and it was really great. We talked a lot about how stressors and trauma cause physiological responses in our bodies that exacerbate health issues... she is putting me in a program where you meditate daily. I am a believer that downloading a free or .99 app on your iphone and spending 15 min a day can do a world of good for your psyche and how your body responds to treatment.
Basically, IF is a traumatic experience and it sucks. Might as well take control of what you CAN (your response to it) - it can only help. I'll keep you posted on how it goes and pass along any tips as I receive them!
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@jaguar: Best of luck to you with cycle #5. Is lucerin a stomach shot?
@Amorini: Thank you for the info on the vitamins. I, too, like for my husband to be involved in what little he can be involved in. I keep stressing to him that he will owe me forever on account of me having to get intramuscular back shots. I'm terrified of those! That's great you are getting a trial transfer. I'm not getting one of those.
I did have an ultrasound today to look at at follicle count (which I guess is done to give an estimate of follicles for the IVF cycle), gave blood and then gave lots of money. But I have no idea what sort of protocol I will be one. I'll have to ask next time because I hear all you girls talking about your protocols. @PurplePumps: I second (or third?) your Holy F*cking Sh*t emotion. That's so much. I had the same reaction when I went over prices for my IVF options. One option got close to $30K and I nearly threw up. ("hi, can i have your cheapest option, please?") Just try not to think about those costs until you get to that point. No sense in borrowing trouble. IVM sounds like a great option to go forward with at this point. Lots of hugs to you.
@YogiRunner: The mind/body session sounds great! can you share the name of the app you are purchasing? I can really use a 15 minute meditation each day.
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@agold: I actually really like the free download from Circle + Bloom: http://www.circlebloom.com/fertilityfree/
I also use an app called "Stop, Breathe and Think"The institute recommended the following which are either free or 99 cents (haven't checked them out yet myself): "APPS: Calm"; Simply Being; GPS4 the Soul; Headspace; Take a Break; Yoga Nidra; Breathe2 Relax...
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@agold: We just signed something that said we'd be bringing an UNGODLY check to our shots appt. this weekend. Financial clearance my butt.
@YogiRunner: I'm totally going to download some of those!
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@YogiRunner: Thank you for sharing that information! I have some flights coming up and I'd love to download something to listen to in order to relax a bit.
@Carobee: Ungodly is right! I had to pay for the IVF retrieval transfer, ICSI and Blast today. Meds, anesthesia and freezing are separate later costs. Blah. I put it on my AMEX to get points for it. At least I will get one night at a mid-level hotel out of this.
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@PurplePumps: holy cow! That is a ridiculous number!
@YogiRunner: that sounds so cool. I think there is a big mind component and I see the benefit of meditation. I recently started restorative yoga and that has been amazing!
@agold: ha- we did the same thing. I have been paying all my medical bills on our Marriott card in the hopes that we can get a vacation out of this! -
@bloved: I've been paying them all on my SPG amex card. So far I've been able to pay it all off right away. I cringe the day I can't do that anymore with respect to this IF stuff. As for the mind component of IF, I really hope its not truly the case. If I could simply just change my way of thinking and get pregnant, well then F me for spending so much on IVF. But I do like to relax as much as possible so I'm all for that and am absolutely downloading the apps suggested above!
So my doctor called with my blood work that was taken this morning. I'm still waiting for my period to start so I can start birth control pills. And he told me in a sad voice that my HCG level was negative and I'm not pregnant. Ha! I was trying this month as a last ditch effort to avoid IVF, but really, I knew I wouldn't get pregnant because, why would I get so lucky? So his sad voice made me laugh. Oh, funny doctor, thanks for being compassionate. On to IVF!
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@agold: I know what you mean about the mind component. I cringed writing that actually because I felt like it bordered on that whole "relax and you'll get pregnant" mindset which I hate (and would totally never work for me since I am anal retentive about all of this stuff). But I guess I just mean it in terms of being gentle to ourselves or trying to compartmentalize (all new concepts for me in the last 6 months but big things I am trying to undertake!).
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@bloved: Oh I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make you cringe. I guess I'm one of those crazies now who is sensitive to the "just relax" comment. Like, "I AM RELAXED!" Hahaha. But in all honesty, I crave relaxation and can totally use help in this department. I love to hear what everyone is doing for relaxation. So thanks, again, @YogiRunner: , I'm absolutely downloading the apps on my phone tonight to enjoy while I'm on my trip starting tomorrow.
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@PurplePumps: Man, that's insane. Do you have off shore options available? A friend of mine goes to Mexico for cycles because it's so much cheaper than home.
@agold: Yeah you can do Lucrin in stomach or thighs. I prefer tummy... extra padding.
@YogiRunner: I practised meditation/hypnotherapy during my post-loss cycles last year and it helped me heal. Must get back on this!
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@PurplePumps: I'm just getting caught up with this board after being out of town. Hugs to you lady!
Like you, I didn't think we would ever choose an egg donor. But, I kept trying to think about our lives childless and every time I thought I was getting ok with the idea something told me to keep going, to keep exploring options.
I know the price is absolutely ridiculous, but we decided some debt was worth it for the chance of a baby (I know a lot of people don't agree with this, but it was the right decision for us). Something else to ask/think about is to see if you can work with a clinic or agency where 1 donor is matched with multiple intended parents and split the eggs. The cost is a bit more reasonable this way. @momazon did this and actually ended up with the same number of embryos we did even though I did a 1:1 with my donor!
To be completely honest, I thought I might be a bit sad that this baby isn't genetically related to me, but so far I feel extremely connected to it (I think because I feel like we've been through hell and back with the IF crap like you have). It's possible that I might feel some sadness once baby is born....only time will tell. I think it might make me upset if people comment that baby looks so much like Dh and not me, but I plan on being very up front and just saying something like "yes, he/she may never look like me bc we used an egg donor."
I feel like I'm writing a book here...I don't want this post to come off as pushy by any means....I just wanted to reach out a bit more about egg donation. Please let me know if you want to chat more
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@winter_wonder: as rough as it's been, I like hearing about your process for how you chose to do DE. It makes sense that it took time to get there and wasn't an obvious choice.
IF seems to be this thing in life for which there is no analagous life experience to prepare you... Perhaps that's why it's so traumatizing. On that note, I downloaded Circle and Bloom (the IUI/IVF one) I really like it! I like doing restorative yoga along with it or soaking my feet or use it to fall asleep to (multi-tasking!).
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@jaguar: Naw, that's not something I really have the drive to look into. There are already too many clinics and options within the US to overwhelm me. Everything already sort of revolves enough around TTC that I think I'd lose my mind if I had to sacrifice my all vacation time too traveling abroad to do IVF.
@winter_wonder: Thank you. It is very helpful to hear your thoughts on it, especially since you were originally of the same mind set. It's not something we're currently considering, but if another cycle or two fails, we will have to give it some thought.
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Just a little update from me... Home and resting after the ER. Went well, they retrieved 13 eggs. If any first timers out there want a play by play to know what to expect I'm happy to
Did a 5 min meditation before we left and it definitely helped with the nerves!
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@YogiRunner: Great number! Looking forward to a nice fertilization report tomorrow.
I was telling DH yesterday that a house down the street was on the market for way more than I thought it was worth. It was smaller (3bed/3bath, 2100sf) than ours (3bed/2.3bath, 2700sf) and waaaaay more dated. And I was like, if they're sells for that, our should sell for even more! I asked if he would sell it for that amount. He says 'yeah, we should probably look into downsizing anyways since it looks like we wont be filling this house'.....
It's far from a perfect house, but I'm so attached to all the work we've put into it!
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@YogiRunner: Great! I don't have firsthand experience, but sending prayers for many good embryos!
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@YogiRunner: good number! Hope you get a great report tomorrow!
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@PurplePumps: It's so frustrating how this affects almost every aspect of our lives.
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Hey ladies, Just wanted to say hello. Sorry I disappeared for awhile. I had my D&C on Friday and I've been super blue. Like, bluer than before I had my dear daughter. I think it's because I'm realizing we're at the end of our road and I'm just down about it.
Anyway -- I just wanted to check-in with you guys to see how everyone's doing and to let you know that I'm rooting for you.I thought it was so appropriate that I tune back in and see you guys have a discussion about how difficult IF is and how traumatizing this whole experience is. The one good thing about it is the support you provide each other. If you're like me and have trouble talking about things, knowing that there's a group of women out there who really understand your experience is very comforting through all the misery.
Anyway, good luck and I'll check-in more often.
@yogirunner: congrats on your retrieval! 13 is a wonderful number.
@purplepumps: Sending you hugs and support with whatever happens. -
@YogiRunner: good luck w the fertilization report! U should be getting a call soon, maybe tomorrow? To see how many fertilized and they keep watching to determine 3 or 5 day transfer.
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