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I think there's an important balance necessary between calling your kids to more (push harder, strive farther) and making them feel accepted right where they are.

I know even as an adult in my marriage, if my DH always made me feel like what I did wasn't good enough b/c it wasn't perfect or because I was lax on something else I would feel horrible & would ultimately stop trying (I've seen this alot the other way with wives to their husbands & it usually doesn't go well). Why wouldn't it be the same with our kids?!

Because of the rejection that G has experienced in life with his bio-dad I have to really be mindful of how he's corrected & taught. I KNOW he can do great things but if he doesn't believe that then it doesn't matter how much I pound/ingrain something in him, he won't reach his potential.

I really just think that extreme in either direction can cause the same detriment so it's really just about balance.

ETA: Our college actually had a change in grade sharing policy years ago when our Physics professor had an Asian-American student commit suicide when the professor shared via phone the grade he got on the previous exam, because it wasn't an A. Now of course it may not have mattered when or how he found out BUT it did change the schools perspective on casually sharing such information. =(

I teach predominantly Asian HS students. I do not think the Tiger Mom style causes students to do more poorly in school, many are very high achieving, hard-working students. BUT...they are extremely stressed out and afraid of failure (in the worst cases).

I personally think the detriment comes when success in academics is the only goal with no room for leisure or sport.

@Mrs. Jacks: I don't remember any of my friends having bad grades. We were all at minimum getting Bs and As mainly. But I was also at a specialized high school that you test into...

@Mrs. Jacks: I'm sure the research is accurate. As a teacher, it's pretty hard to tell which parents are the bullying type of parent mentioned and which are a more supportive type. Either way, I'd say nearly all of my Asian students feel immense obligation to their parents and feel that they must attend a UC school and get a high paying job. It makes me want to do a little survey to test the theory out in my classroom!

Personally all I could ask of my children is to try their hardest, I don't want my kids to feel like they aren't good enough. I was raised by my grandma who I wouldn't consider a "tiger mom" but she was always on my case to do better. Even though I skipped a grade A- or B's still weren't quite good enough and I really think it took a toll on my emotional health, even now I have an unhealthy fear of failing and won't even try a lot of things if there is a chance I won't be good at it. That said I guess everyone is different and I imagine most people handle pressure better than I do so it probably works for some people.

I agree with @regberadaisy:

@mrbee: I think this would be a great guest blog topic for "education"!

This is really interesting. I think a lot of it definitely depends on the children, but it does seem somewhat logical to me that authoritarian parenting could make a kid depressed. My parents definitely stressed the importance of education and working hard at school, but I would call their parenting more laissez-faire. They did make sure that we actually did our homework and studied, but weren't really all up in our business about it.

That does have something to do with my personality, though, because I'm much harder on myself than anyone else is. I've always been a bit of a perfectionist and I didn't really need anyone to push me to try to succeed because I pushed myself. Maybe my parents' style would have been different if I had been different. I will say that their attitude made me want to please them, not because I was afraid of what they would do if I didn't but because I liked making them proud of me. I think that says a lot about the fact that they weren't too overbearing or demanding but were more encouraging.

@Mrs. Jacks: My parents coddle the crap out of him and currently has the maturity level of like a HS kid (he's 23). Social life is more important than family. He has no desire to get a job or pay his own bills or help contribute to the family (not just monetary). If he doesn't do well in school, they're okay with that and my dad will personally step in to help him out with homework and projects.

Meanwhile, I was forced to go to summer camp, forced to finish college with two degrees in 2.5 years by taking on 21 hour semesters, forced to take on an internship and have a FT job lined up a year before graduation, etc. I really did resent my parents growing up and was punished severely for poor grades and poor behavior.

I think we need a definition of "Tiger parenting". Amy Chua was an extreme example (ripping up mother's day cards, etc), but a lot of "tiger parenting" is just pushing kids hard but still being supportive.

I've been in public education for 10 years, 4 of which were as a Gifted and Talented teacher at a school for students who'd skipped ahead a year or more in curriculum. The vast *majority* fo those students had parents who pushed them hard, didn't accept excuses, encouraged them to do their best, limited "fun" activities until school work was done, etc. But I only had 1-2 of those parents who maybe crossed into Amy Chua territory, where the kids didn't also learn how to fail.

If that makes sense at all....basically, I think it's best for kids when they are pushed hard to succeed. But when they aren't first, or don't get an A, I think it's good for parents to work with their kids to do better the next time----with extra tutoring, help, training, etc. NOT with begging the teacher for "extra credit" OR for belittling the kids and making them upset for not living up to their parents' expectations.

I think because of where I am in education (the teacher), I'll be tiger-esque. Pushing my kids hard, making sure they do their best and not slack, but also not crossing over into mean territory.

My greatest regret in school was that I was a kid who struggled in Math and just gave up. Because I was so good in every other subject (all a's), teachers and parents both made excuses for me and never expected much out of me. I totally cheated my way through math from 6th grade until Pre-cal/Trig my junior year of HS. I made an A for the year and learned absolutely nothing.

I wish ONE person, somewhere along the way, had called me on my BS and told me, "You are capable of more than this" and HELPED me, or gotten me extra tutoring.

But instead, all my teachers and my parents just decided early on that Math wasn't my thing and never pushed me. It really limited my career/life choices because I couldn't major in anything in college that required difficult Math---med school, dental school, chemistry, physics, computer programming---all those fields were closed to me because I was weak in basic math, nevermind long calculations.

That's why as a teacher, I never hesitate to call students out on laziness. And I tell their parents about my story.

@Mrs. Jacks: Haha since you jinxed me, I'm not sure if I'm allowed to talk/post on hb!!

I agree with @regberadaisy: in observing friends, classmates, and relatives with Tiger parents.

I had very lazy, wanna-be Tiger parents, who would say things like "Why did you get an A-!" and "You need to be as good as so-and-so", "you need to get a scholarship." etc. But at the same time, they never wanted to put in the work to push me, work with me, send me to prep classes, etc. All the things my classmates and cousins, and the kids they would compare too - their parents were doing.

I was kind of like @mrbee:. I felt pressure on myself to just try and keep up with my Asian classmates with Tiger parents. I just never had that extreme pressure at home to ever push myself even harder to be at the top of the class. Just enough that I could maintain Honors and AP, etc.

I definitely KNOW a lot of friends and family who would NOT have excelled in school, gotten scholarships, etc. if their parents hadn't been Tiger-ish!