Hellobee Boards

Okay, so I feel like I'd at least like to chime in. As a relatively recent new user, I feel like while HB is welcoming compared to other sites, it's hard to feel like an accepted member. I don't find the need to post 12 bazillion times to get my post count up, but sometimes I do wish that newer users comments were noticed more. When you have a lower post count, sometimes you feel like you get passed over. It can be intimidating starting out. It would be nice if everyone tried to make a conscious effort to make others feel welcome. Post on their wall if you notice someone's new. Acknowledge more than just welcome. Suggest a thread or community based on something they've posted. There are a few people that do this and they make all the difference.

What I think would make HB better:
1) More recognition to the TTC-side of things. That's where many HBers start. Building blocks there would go a long way. A few more specific communities would help. Sometimes I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I wish we had a community for Trouble TTC from the start. I also wish for others well being that there was an even longer term TTC board. I feel like a few extra communities could go a long way. (Although I do acknowledge the community may not be large enough for that yet and understand if it isn't.)

2) People being respectful, but also forgiving others. I feel like HB isn't very forgiving. I know there's been a few times where I post and cringe and think OMG if someone more established than me disagrees with me then I'm toast. I really love this community so that would suck pretty hardcore. People say stupid things. I feel once someone calls someone out and they apologize that should be enough. At that point, maybe someone like a hostess could step in and say "All right, that's enough. Lets get back to the topic." I also want to stress this is about moderating some of the mobish mentality, and not moderating someone's opinions/disagreement with something in general. Obviously, this is probably too much for just Mr. Bee to do. I mean, crap, I went to work and this blew up.

3) This is not a suggestion, but an apology if someone has already suggested these things. This thread was going too fast for me to keep up with.

I think my post was eaten? If it shows up after I post this....sorry gals!

See it was, and then it wasn't...how does this happen?!

@septca: I'm sorry you feel like you need to leave but I do understand. I wish you the very very best.

@grizz: I didn't bother reading that thread to the end and was afraid to post anything there. Did it blow up? Was it a blowup or the practices that made you feel that way?

@spaniellove: I didn't read it either. I felt it was asking for trouble. @grizz: You've always been very helpful so I hope you never leave.

@grizz: a lot of my choices are crazy too

@grizz: This how I feel about it here lately. I've learned to just watch the conversational threads instead of piling on the agrees or negativity. Sometimes, I refuse to open those threads to begin. Also, I don't need to add another post if the point I wanted to make has already been said.

In the recent weeks, I've found myself being much more restrained because the attitude here has become toxic. As much as Mr. Bee is against heavy moderation of the site, it needs some in his absence while he's refining the site. I think it would go a long way to cool some of the tensions and bring back the warmness that's missing these days. I would love to see new voices/users be welcomed better than they have been in the past. I think that some institutional changes (light moderation) and better welcoming of new members would bring about some productive change, so that this site can grow and change with its users.

@spaniellove: It wasn't a blowup or anything... Just everything I do was listed on others' crazy lists. And add to that pretty much everyone who shares my views on midwifery/homebirth/etc is gone. I totally understand and respect other people's parenting decisions, but I do feel like an odd duck, and I feel like if I post about any of our decisions I'll be flogged.

ETA: I know the intent of that thread was not to make people feel bad. I just felt like shit after I finished reading it.

@grizz: I was shocked by the thread too. It felt incredibly judgemental and showed a lack of diversity here.

@grizz: @Arden: I'm pretty traditional in my parenting and I sometimes wonder if it's because I'm uneducated in other ways. My parents were traditional so I am too. I find others views very enlightening and if nothing else interesting. Are they all for me? No, but not everything I do is for other people.

@Anagram: What I see as toxic are the circlejerks/dogpiles in a controversial topic or even a mundane one. I want to scream "Slow your roll, think before you post!" It goes back to what has been said in this thread already about thinking about what is said will contribute to the thread or not.

In terms of the new HB's, if they post something that's been discussed before don't jump down their throats because they're new. Simply linking them to previous topics is helpful too. I don't see a lot of thoughtful posting these days. It used to be a lot more considerate and would have more thoughtful conversations throughout the day. I'm just not seeing that these days.

@grizz: @septca: more brain drain I wish all the users who recently left come back. Diversity is the spice of life.

Maybe we needed *this* thread sooner. I really think attitudes will be checked a bit more at the door. Some disagreements before they become big old messes derailing threads will be taken care of between users on their wall.

@Arden: @grizz: I have to say... I did participate in that thread but I felt my post was more of a "i couldn't but more power to you" kind of post. When C was born, the boards were EXTREMELY AP heavy and I was attacked repeatedly over CIO, formula feeding, telling me how I should and should not feel about my PPD and trauma, and a few other more "traditional" parenting issues (or maybe I just felt attacked because I was a little nutso at that point). So, Ive been there and I understand how you feel. It does suck and Im sorry if I contributed to that. I do think that a differing opinion is extremely valuable though and I value both of you and your thoughts. Without differing opinions, things just turn into a circle jerk and nobody wants that.

I don't have much else to say other than I have noticed the change and I have to say that I have stepped away from the boards a bit. I have felt alienated for a while because my lifestyle just doesnt fit what the general lifestyle of the board is. We're a dual student household and we BROKE... which isn't generally what is discussed around here. Sure, Id love a Kate Spade bag and to dress C in Boden and Gap and cart her around in a Foonf... but that's not my reality. Im also not TTC and don't plan to and my daughter is 2.5.... so Im not really in the "baby" stage anymore and a lot of the "baby" issues are just ones that I don't feel I can really contribute to anymore.

I will say, when I was a hostess on WB, it was part of our job to go through and comment on threads that had no comments yet and get them moving. Is that something that is done here? If not, I think it should be. I think that would be a good way to get some positive movement re: new members going.

@Arden: I think that post demonstrated the lack of diversity of a few posters and the unwillingness to engage in that blatant flame thread by most others

@Nskillet: you were piled on in the Torchwood thread correct?

@mrbee: Ah, I wasn't sure if that was part of the hostess duties or not. I figured I needed to work something constructive into my little whine-fest. haha

@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I don't think nskillet is the torchwood person because that person left... I'm really sad about that one... it was a few days ago. I think nskillet is talking about a birth story of someone (they had mama in their name) also that left recently who had a c-section and made it sound very bad to have a c-section.

@Nskillet: Yeah that was terrible, sorry you went through that.

I haven't posted much lately and I feel like this is an appropriate time to weigh in on why that is.

I used to love this community. And I used to feel like I was actually part of a community. But lately it's become increasingly fragmented and cliquey. I graduated from high school almost 15 years ago and I don't feel the need to relive it.

I also want to echo some of what @silva:, @looch:, and @grizz have said, in that there seems to no longer be much respect of people who don't parent according to the HB status quo. I think the beginning of the end for me was when I noticed that every single 'one and done' thread became an argument between the one and done parents and those who plan to have 2+ kids. Not to mention those of us who lean in the more "crunchy" direction in terms of natural birthing, midwives, extended breastfeeding etc. There used to be a lot more respect for varying viewpoints here but that sense of wide-ranging respect seems to have evaporated.

Another thing I've struggled with, and maybe this is just me, is that I've run into a lot more threads in recent months in which I would spend a lot of time composing a thoughtful and (I thought, at least) helpful response....and I didn't seem to ever get any acknowledgement from the OP. I'm not asking for a thank you note and flowers, but simple acknowledgement would be nice. Having that happen repeatedly made me feel like I wasn't a valued member of this community and that I'd sooner just not contribute if no one cared/was listening anyway.

I love the friends I've made on HB - I've become closer with some of these ladies than I am with some of my IRL friends lately. That just doesn't seem to be representative of the larger community at the moment *shrug*

The person who wrote the c-section thread mentioned is gone too... Hurtful words go both ways.
I was personally really sad to see her go. Her feelings about her birth are as valid as anyone else's feelings about their own birth.