I saw this was posted today, and haven't seen it linked her. I thought it was really good to have actual data backing up the idea that people are generally ignorant about the topic.
I appreciate that stories like this are being written...
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"I felt alone until I realized there is this big, secret miscarriage club — one that nobody wants to be a member of — and when I realized it existed, I felt angry that no one told me they had active membership."
This rings so true. I was actually part of the smaller percentage that knew about loss because my mom had multiple losses that she talked about, which was a slight reprieve when I went through it myself. I am very open about my loss in hopes that someone going through one might feel just a little less isolated to know someone who had been there, particularly in the case of an ectopic like I had.
Thanks for sharing.
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I like the comment related to someone wanting the baby they lost, not another baby (especially when someone says "It just wasn't meant to be" or "Your time will come" or something else asinine).
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I remember it being very surprising when my doctor told me that 90% of women will have one at some point in their life. 90 PERCENT
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This article perfectly describes how I feel regarding our loss.
Particularly this...
"Far better, people said, is to simply say, "I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do for you?"
I heard many of the laundry list of hurtful but well intended lines. There are only so many times you can remind yourself that they don't mean to sound hurtful.
Also, the part about husbands/partners and how they are often forgotten. I know my DH has had this happen (by his own family!). It breaks my heart and makes me so angry that people assume the way he is feeling would be any different than myself.
Thanks for posting this article @MaryM.
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@HappyBluebird: The religious "excuses" were the worst for me.
"Everything happens for a reason" and "It wasn't God's Plan" were SO hurtful. And really impacted my faith for a long time.
My God doesn't kill babies...
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@HappyBluebird: And
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@MaryM: Yes, I second this. Seems so insensitive to say such things. I tend to be a private person but after going through a loss and being open about it, if a friend or family member should ever find themselves in this sad time, they can talk to me and know I understand
And
to you too!
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Miscarriage is just one of those things that you can never know what will be the appropriate or most comforting response for any individual because we all handle it so differently. For me, that idea that it "wasn't meant to be" was actually quite comforting. It assured me that there wasn't anything I could have done differently. And I personally felt like if something wasn't right with the baby/pregnancy I was greatful that at least it happened quickly.
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I'm glad this is starting to get more attention. I agree with so much of what the article said. I've been very open about my losses, and have had multiple women say that it's helped them when they had losses of their own. I can't believe how many people think that miscarriages are caused by the woman! That makes me very angry. It does explain why my OB the first time kept telling me over and over how it wasn't my fault. It irritated the crap out of me (no shit it isn't my fault! saying it that many times makes me think maybe you really do think it IS my fault), but if that belief is that widespread it might help others to hear that.
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@Truth Bombs: that's true, for me I took "it wasn't meant to be" very personally, but the "at least you can pregnant" sentiment was encouraging for me, especially coming from my midwife. It was a call to action. I think trying to say things like "I'm sorry, is there anything I can do for you?" is generally good advice for responding to ANY kind of loss or hardship. Although I guess there could always be someone who would be offended by being asked how to help instead of doing.
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This is a good article. I think what hurt me the most was the silence. We told our family right after the loss and everyone said appropriate things at the time, but then no one ever spoke about it ever again. They look stricken if I ever bring it up. Whereas if I bring up the topic of my mom's death, everyone is super supportive and happy to talk. I feel like the stigma just needs to go away. I have tried to be fairly open about my miscarriage with friends and even co-workers. When I mention how common they are, people are always surprised. I feel like our society should be better educated about it.
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great read.
"As much as you want to think you are in control — you aren't. And the same goes when I lost each pregnancy — as much as I wish I could have been — it was not in my control.""
i think that part really points out what's wrong with public views on pregnancy. there's so much focus on what pregnant women shouldn't be doing (living, basically!) and that only perpetuates the myth that if you do anything "wrong" - like perhaps lifting a small child or going for a jog or (gasp) eating sushi, your miscarriage must have been your fault. I can't help but think if society was a little more rational about the "rules" of pregnancy, we'd be a little more knowledgeable about what does and doesn't cause a miscarriage. I think talking about miscarriages is taboo in large part because of the laundry list of no-nos during a pregnancy.
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@catlady: Totally agree! I don't think people realize how traumatic the due dates and anniversaries can be...and any other milestone that you imaged you'd have with your baby.
@Pirouette: I appreciated that too! Women need to stop worrying if that one glass of wine they had before they knew they were pregnant causes irreparable damage...
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Also, this is exactly why I'm so grateful for HB. It was so helpful to have a community full of women who understood exactly what I was going through. I never felt alone, even in the worst parts of it all.
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Thank you for sharing this. I got a little emotional today about Mother's Day approaching, remembering how sad I was during past Mother's Days.... even though I have my baby now, and I actually have something to celebrate! Reading this was exactly what I needed today.
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@Anya: interesting, the "at least you know you can get pregnant" bothered me. I felt like it trivialized my pain. Maybe the way it was contextualized by my MIL. She was kind of flipant and like, well, it's kind of a good thing. This was after my 2nd loss.
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@travellingbee: yeah it's really not a comforting statement when it keeps happening, you know?
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@travellingbee: oh absolutely it depends on the context and the way it's spoken. It's not that that sentiment as a blanket sentiment made me feel awesome, but it didn't sting the way "it wasn't meant to be" did. For ME.
But I think often people are genuinely trying to say the right thing which is tricky when the "right thing" is different for different people.
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@Anya: no I know. Its hard to know what to say. I really appreciated those who just said I'm sorry.
You know what's been the hardest part for me? Cause I wasn't that far along and didn't feel as devastated by it and didn't feel stigmatized, but I felt/ feel like I no longer trust my body. As my sweet friend who has lost so many more than me has said "It takes the joy out of pregnancy". I'm pregnant now and I just don't trust that it's going be ok. That's been so sad for me.
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@travellingbee: this. "It takes the joy out of pregnancy"
I miscarried early on and was able to get pregnant again but could not enjoy this new pregnancy for a long time because I was constantly worried something would go wrong!
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I am thankful for communities like Hellobee! It educated me so much about loss and because of it I'm more sensitive about this!
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@MaryM: This was a great article. Thanks for sharing!
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@MaryM: Thank you for sharing this.
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The "miscarriage club" is so hard to belong to but there is such an immense relief to know you are not alone. To be in the presence (whether IRL or on HB) of others whose heart grieves for the same thing helps.
Many people try but say the wrong thing. As much as it made me angry to hear "it's not meant to be" (really? thanks for that!) and "you have just started on this journey" I find more fault with our society. Our culture is terrible with grief...especially grief that is unseen.
This part really resonated with me: "I don't want another baby, I want THIS baby, the one I thought I would have, the one I started planning for, hoping for, dreaming about, talking to. All that got taken away from me."I am so thrilled that I am nearly 33 weeks but I will never forget my losses. I will never forget the first one that showed me how much I wanted to be a mother or the second who "went" with us on our belated honeymoon.
I can't wait to look my son in the eyes and know that everything happened for a reason, but I will never forget the ones before. -
@MaryM: thanks for sharing this.
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After my two back.to back. Cp my MIL said when we told her the 3rd time we were pregnant she said for real this time???
What does that mean?? -
@FaithFertility: mine has been pretty insensitive. She doesn't mean to be. Last time, it was an impending miscarriage and I said something about being emotional because of the pregnancy hormones and she said, "oh do you think you are pregnant?" My jaw dropped and I was like, "yes, I KNOW I'm pregnant" and she said, "Oh I know, but I mean really pregnant."
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@travellingbee:
I'm sorry!
It is something that I just don't think some people understand.....
It's a taboo and we'll I don't think talked much about in their day but still hurts!
I have heard it all.....
Mine even with DD reminded me I think after our 1st ultrasound at 7 weeks that it was still early and a lot can happen?? Yes, I am completely aware, thanks for the refresher!!! -
@catlady: I have struggled with this. I have had a friend who had a loss and after she first told me and we had a long conversation about it, she has never brought it up again. I have wanted to ask about it. I ask, "How are you doing?" and she doesn't mention it. It has been some time now and I feel like I should have done/said more. I know they are still trying to get pregnant and I don't want to bring up a painful topic but I also want to be there for her.
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I talk about our losses often. They weren't just miscarriages - they were our babies. It upsets me when people shove it under the rug and pretend they don't exist.
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Like @simplyfelicity: This part really resonated with me: "I don't want another baby, I want THIS baby, the one I thought I would have, the one I started planning for, hoping for, dreaming about, talking to. All that got taken away from me."
The baby I lost is heavily on my mind right now as this time last year I had just found out I was pregnant and was so excited. As much as I want the baby I am now carrying, I will never stop wanting the baby I lost. And although I know it makes people uncomfortable I'm going to try and never be too uncomfortable myself to talk about it. It is still part of my family.
And in terms of people saying it's the mum's fault, I remember the ladies in our apartment building office saying I miscarried because I picked up and wore my then 18-month-old. I knew better so it didn't bother me too much but seriously, idiots.
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@jaguar: I totally understand what you mean. It pisses me off beyond belief when people expect you to be quiet about it after a month or so.
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I have been completely open about our miscarriage in real life, though not on social media since it was at 6 weeks. It happened during school year / life year that was really sucky in a lot of other ways (almost quit my job, gma died, PCOS diagnosed, unforeseen bills, etc). For the first couple of months people were very kind and supportive but now I get the sense they think I'm a downer or just weird for mentioning it. I've gotten past the bursting out in tears phase, so I think I'm doing much better, but I know I still make people uncomfy. Like, I want to post a link to this on my facebook so people would learn, but I'm pretty sure people would be like "Why can't she let it go already?" Oh well.
@jaguar: Exactly. It was my baby. Not a potential baby. It was a beginning human being, at the very first stages of life.
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Wow, some of your MILs need a filter! My MIL is a very loving but clueless lady too sometimes, and so my DH told her to never bring it up, unless I brought it up first, and even then to be more of a listener rather than a speaker.
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My sister had 2 mcs, one at 8 weeks and one at 5 weeks. My moms (who has never had a mc) reaction both times was "it's just like a heavy period, it's not even really a baby yet." After yelling at her for her response, she still saw nothing wrong with what she said and continues to say it. Needless to say I didn't share my CP with her.
I'm sorry!Reply
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