This is part feeding, part sleeping, and part insanity so I'm just going to file this post under infant.

Little miss Em is driving me crazy. I realize that she's not even four months old yet and that I shouldn't compare her to her brother at this age because they're two separate little people but she is killing me, people. One sleepless day at a time.

We'll start out with the morning. She's awake from seven in the morning on, usually until about the time Henry goes down for his first nap (blessed be that he still takes two naps right now). That's fine. But while she should be starving, the most she drinks when she wakes up/is awake/right before nap is about three ounces. By this time, H was guzzling all four ounces! (Yes, it's formula. In a bottle. Tommee Tippee to be exact). She takes a nap, inconsistently, either in the bassinet in my office or in the swing.

Then she's up! I warm up a bottle, in the 'eat, play, sleep' routine, try to coax her to eat and there she goes again, grazing. Two to three ounces, never finishes a bottle even by this time she has to be hungry. We play, she watches big brother play, big brother plays with her, everything hunky dorey. Then she starts fussing. The rest of the bottle? Nu uh, no way. Nursing? Sure, but only if she gets to fall asleep on me, which she always does.

This is pretty much the way it goes all day until night time. She'll get up, cry for food, eat some bottle, play a little, fuss, nurse, sleep. If she wakes up fussing because she hasn't slept enough, she won't take a bottle but she will nurse herself back to sleep. Pacifier doesn't work. The only time pacifiers work is when she's just tired and not hungry. Sometimes I can coax her to sleep with just a pacifier but that's a rare bird.

Come night time, she's usually in bed by nine. Nine thirty at the latest. But then she's up again at eleven. At one. At four. Usually I'm so sleep deprived and groggy that instead of warming her up a bottle, I pick her up, change her diaper, and off we go to sleep-nurse/ co-sleep on the guest bed. This goes on and off all night. Usually between that eleven o'clock waking and four o'clock waking, she'll wake me three or four times, nuzzling before latching on. Whenever I wake up from that, if I catch her before she latches on I switch sides (pick her up, roll over, lay her down). We're surrounded by pillows so there's no where for either of us to go and it's warm here in the south so covers aren't necessary (although my nursing tank seems to be at half mast all night).

At four, she'll wake and take most of a bottle - again, three ounces or so - then goes back to sleep in the cradle until six. At six, she wakes up and fusses until I take her back to bed with me (master bedroom) for some more sleep nursing. And I always cave because I am in desperate need of sleep by this time. The guest bed isn't comfortable and I've gotten used to basically playing 'statue' as soon as we're in the guest bed.

Guys, this has to stop. I don't know what to do but I know the nursing isn't necessary, it's just a crutch. After all, I had breast reduction surgery so I know she's not getting a lot. I know she thinks she is because she's getting closeness and while if I squeeze, I still gets drops of milk (which means I'm still producing) and if I go for long periods between feedings my breasts do become a little engorged, it isn't enough to sustain her. I'm basically one gigantic pacifier.

I need more sleep though. I've started getting these headaches that are probably brought on by the fact that four the past four months, my sleep has been lousy. I've been contorted into untold positions, unable to move, to make sure that Em is safe. By this time, H was already nursing weaned and on something of an eating schedule. Not sleeping consistently but he'd at least finish a bottle.

I don't know what to do. I know I need to suck it up and just feed her a bottle in the middle of the night but I'm so tired. Anyone have any thoughts? I'm all ears!