I am at loss here, and would love some feedback/advice. I feel like there are different parts to this issue, and i don't know what to tackle first.

DD is 3.5 years old and she used to be a great sleeper. About 6 months after DS was born, i noticed her night sleep was getting worse. She would wake up at 5:30-6am (despite falling asleep at 8:30, sometimes 9) and visibly tired. When she's tired she is extremely emotional and the tiniest thing will set her off. Tantrums every day, all the time. Then we could no longer just leave her room at night. We would have to stay with her until she fell asleep. I fixed that quickly by saying we would check up on her every 10 minutes, and she couldn't call for us beforehand. Usually after 2 checks, she will fall asleep on her own.

The past few months she would come into our room and want to sleep with us, or one of us would go into her room and sleep next to her. On a good night, she will fall asleep right away and we will sleep past 7am. On a bad night, she will toss and turn, SING, and keep both of us up...DH or i will be in a bad mood. I decided to implement the idea of having the futon mattress in her room and one of us just sleeping on it instead of sharing the bed with her. No more sleeping in our room.

We also have bed wetting issues. She still wears pullups to sleep. Earlier this year, she had a dry pullup for 1-2 months and we thought we could transition her to underwear...until she started filling her diaper so much that she would wet her bed.

Now she will wake up at random times in the night and come to our room, wanting us to come sleep in her room. We will insist that she use the potty, which she now protests. Then DH will go to her room and sleep on the floor.

I worry that we have developed a bad habit, and now she wakes up and comes to our room because she knows she can. When DH sleeps in her room, she is comfortable enough that she just pees in her pullup even though she used the bathroom.

When she gets upset, it escalates quickly so i don't want DS to wake up (his room is next to hers). You can hear her cries despite two noise machines running. I am thinking of starting a sticker chart to encourage better nighttime behaviour but i don't know whether we should be tackling the sleep or the potty issues. A part of me feels guilty because i wonder if these nighttime issues arise from anxiety because she doesn't feel loved or is jealous of the attention we give her brother. Life is just so much more crazy with two, especially since i have to get him to bed so early. She throws more tantrums because she's tired, we get mad at her and it's like this vicious cycle we're trapped in...while no one is getting any sleep!

Phew, sorry this is so long. It's just not sustainable for us to sleep in her room (who wants to sleep on a futon mattress for 1+ years?) or her in ours (she wakes up every time i get up to go to DS).