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What is RIE?

@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I haven't read that book yet but I started following the author on Facebook recently and really enjoy her posts.
My experience is that it is very difficult to get others (especially family) to comply with all of your parenting wishes. Telling them - no snacks after 4 pm, no candy, absolutely no spanking ever, etc. is one thing but RIE is a deeper philosophy that everyone might not buy into.
I had my mom and mother in law both care for LO1 while I worked and they each had their own styles. There weren't many adverse affects though, expect an overtired baby when they wouldn't enforce my "strict" sleep schedule.

@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: that's the part that is impractical for me - if you have 2 kids you have to keep the baby in a seat or swing, etc to keep the baby safe from the wild toddler/ preschooler! Also sometimes you can't wait to change a baby's diaper until *they* are ready. You need to get out the door, etc, and it has to get done. I try to be respectful of my DS2 and treat him like a whole person, etc., but with 2 kids sometimes her parenting tips are just not that practical to actually implement. Maybe for 1 kid you'll find it easier. I also let my kids play with gross plastic musical toys and not cloth napkins ; ) I more focus on RIE for how I treat the kids.

We've been lucky to be able to do what @Cherrybee suggested: our kids go to a Montessori school, and the infant program, in particular, relies heavily on RIE practices. Our daycare is really expensive and inconvenient in a number of ways, but we are both so happy that the care our kids get there is a best version of what we hope to do ourselves.

Family/friends/babysitters watch our kids only sporadically, so we mostly let them do whatever they want but let them know what our practices are. I think they generally try to mimic what we do but some things they don't care about and we just don't worry about it.

@ShootingStar: yes to the fact that babies are people but not adults. If my baby could articulate choices I'm sure he would decline a shot in the leg, but I'm getting him vaccinated anyway.

@ShootingStar: yeah, they are also generally against baby carriers, which....I mean, come on. A baby carrier was LIFE changing for me when the newborn was fussy and I needed to get something done, like make dinner or laundry or just take a walk when the baby wanted to be held.

The other infant thing that peeves me a little is the "eye contact/paying attention while BFing". Maybe my LO just has special issues...and well, it is true that we've had lots of BFIng issues--but she ONLY eats if she's in a totally calm, quiet, dark, relaxing atmosphere, and she has to close her eyes and just concentrate on eating or she doesn't eat. When I try to talk to her or do ANYTHING with her during that time, she'll stop eating! We have pretty much no eye contact during feeding...which is her choice. But in RIE, that would be "disrespectful", because "infants can't make that choice" and Lansbury even insinuates down in the comments of this article that if a baby is that way maybe they've been conditioned to disassociate during feedings. Puhleeze. She also mentions in another comment she feels guilt a lot. That says volumes to me about the type of mother who might feel driven to use RIE 24/7--I guess I wonder, at what cost? The mother's mental health? (requiring them to stare at their feeding baby for 10-12 hours a day in the first months, solely interacting with the baby and not the outside work. Seems like a perfect recipe for PPD to me).

A lot of these things are just...above and beyond. On the other hand, I really like some of the other basic tenants of RIE. Just not all of them and I don't like the mommy guilt that happens when a person can't/doesn't want to adhere to these philosophies with a fanatical zeal, because the insinuation is that your child is now damaged in some way. Parenting is challenging enough without driving yourself crazy trying to be "mindful" 24/7,

I loosely follow RIE, but I didn't read Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting (however, I have read Toddler Discipline without Shame which is excellent), so I'm not exactly sure what the book says. Also, my kids are 2 and 9 months. So with that in mind...

I didn't intentionally seek out a day care that was guided by RIE (I don't think that's really an option in my area anyway), so I chose one that was convenient, safe, and gave me a good feeling. They use swings, and bouncers, and chairs for the babies, but they also give them lots of floor time and space to explore. For the toddlers, they have lots of unstructured playtime and are realistic about toddler behavior and use positive discipline. My kids love their daycare, and I don't regret holding out for one that was more inline with RIE principles.

At home, I didn't use a swing or a bouncer for either of my kids and they didn't spend much time in baby chairs or jumpers, although we certainly used them when we needed them (to hold the baby while I give the toddler a bath, a RNP for the newborn, etc.). They have a "yes space", plenty of "wants nothing. quality time" and lots of time for independent play. That "play is a child's work" part of RIE really resonates with me, and I let them lead the way.

Regarding other caregivers, I model like crazy for my husband and he picks some stuff up well and other stuff gets lost in translation, but he tries and has a great relationship with our kids. If it's something that I feel really strongly about, I'll tell him how I feel or send him an article, but I don't do that often to be honest.

With grandparents, I also don't get involved if their approach isn't RIE. As long as everyone is being respectful and safe, I don't intervene.

Hope that helps!

@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: We did have a couple that were gifted to us. They were great for keeping him amused for a couple minutes while I either got breakfast or went to the bathroom. It was also helpful because we have a dog and she could kind of of understand that the playmat was DS's space and not get up in his face too much or step on him. I didn't feel good about leaving him just randomly on the floor, and sometimes you gotta put the baby down!

My biggest advice in regards to parenting is don't kill yourself in order to follow any given philosophy. Parenting is hard. Figuring out newborns is hard. If there's something that makes your life easier, don't beat yourself up for doing it. I honestly don't know how I would have survived without a stroller the first few months. DS hated to be worn while I sat down. So walking with him was fine, but if I wanted to sit (like if we were eating out somewhere or just shopping at the mall or whatever) he'd freak out of if I sat down. But he was fine in the bucket seat of the stroller.

@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I think that, in life, there will be people who really, really get you and people who don't, and part of growing up is learning to have relationships with all different kinds of people. Its great that you are working hard to build trust and mutual respect with your baby but I wouldn't worry too much if not everybody goes to such lengths to do the sane. As long as they have your LO's best interests at heart, the relationship will develop in its own way.

@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I thought I would use a carrier for my newborn, but I was unable to get past feeling like I was suffocating him. I had to wait until he could hold up his head. Babywearing was also very rough on my postpartum back, so it took awhile before I was able to wear him comfortably. I got a ton of mileage out of my Beco SSC once he was older, but it was well past 3 months old. (And I think we used the Moby maybe twice.)

I didn't cart my son around too much in the bucket seat; however, it was SO NICE to have the option to take a sleeping baby out of the stroller and put him into the car without waking him up (or vice versa). And sometimes (e.g., in a restaurant), you don't want to be wearing your baby 100% of the time you are in public.

@MoonMoon: Yes, this.

I have a list of preconceived parenting notions that I threw out the window once my child showed up. For instance, I thought I would be a CIO parent, and it turns out that I absolutely cannot take the crying. I swore I would never bedshare, and now my toddler often cuddles with me in bed. (Most of the time I enjoy it, and sometimes I get kicked in my sleep and wish I had stuck to my original convictions! And I have my limits; he always starts the night out in his crib.)

And I wound up giving a pacifier earlier than I was comfortable with, and my son started rejecting it a couple of weeks later and has never looked back. So I have also learned not to anticipate problems because I could drive myself crazy that way.

My parents watch my son two afternoons per week, and we don't always align perfectly. There are things they do that annoy me. I work hard to pick my battles, though, because after a year and a half of this arrangement he has an amazing bond with them. It's great for all of us, for varying reasons. And I know he is safe and cared for and loved when he is with them.

Personally, as a parent I have to let pragmatism reign because otherwise I would go nuts. I view parenting philosophies as as menu and an opportunity to brainstorm a problem/challenge.

OK, I will get off my soapbox. Sorry that was kind of long!

I think speaking with daycares (or nannies) about their rules and philosophies can help a lot to get you and your child into a care situation you will be comfortable with. I don’t think you can ensure that any caregiver, except yourself, will follow any one philosophy 100% and you have to decide if you are OK with that or not.

I also agree with @Moonmoon. Honestly, it’s totally impossible to plan for parenting before becoming a parent, because you are making decisions on behalf of someone you’ve never met before (your baby). Your baby will have a personality, likes/dislikes and needs which may be completely different from Janet Landsbury’s children’s needs, and if you are so wedded to one philosophy you risk missing out on providing your child what they really need in pursuit of giving them what you’ve predetermined they need.

We all need to have some faith in ourselves sometimes too. If you want an item and thought it would be fun, interactive and useful enough for your baby to enjoy, who gives a flying eff what some “parenting philosopher” says?

@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: with my first, I was in your same position. RIE really resonated with me & I felt strongly about certain aspects (and less strongly about other parts). We were lucky enough to find a great Montessori-based infant program which aligned very closely to what we wanted (respect for the infant as a person, little to no "positioners"). So for a DCP, I'd say shop around.
As for family, it was (and, 3 years later, still is) a struggle. We never explicitly stated "rules" with anyone, but do a lot of Janet's "sportscasting" where we narrated for the baby & even that we use VERY sparingly. Now that he's older, he's learning to advocate for himself ("Grandpa, please don't tease me.") As an infant, our son showed no signs of being confused by "mixed messages".
For what it's worth, I'm actually parenting very much the way I thought I would before our son arrived.

@MoonMoon: Totally! This was definitely me pre-baby.

@looch: Love that. I definitely had plenty of tools in my toolbox in advance but often I am winging it

One thing that is more important than any other method is if your DCPs love kids and love their jobs. If they care about your child, they are more likely to talk to your baby during a diaper change, not because of a method but out of affection. Look for a daycare with low turnover (a sign of happy teachers) and teachers that really seem like they genuinely enjoy loving on the babies in their care.