As a spin-off of the recent threads about telling family and friends about IF struggles, I wanted to ask for some advice about my brother and SIL. They have been open about wanting kids and bought a big house in the suburbs last year. She is 34, and he is 33. No announcements yet. I know it hasn't been too long, but I'm assuming they are having some difficulty conceiving. They haven't said anything to anyone yet about it though. The only thing I have done is be very clear with my mom that she needs to not make *any* mention of wanting more grandkids around them. Other than that, is there anything I can do if they haven't said anything to us? I want to be supportive if they are having trouble, but obviously this is a private issue for them right now or they would have said something. Thanks for any advice!
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I think that is a hard line and I've been thinking of what the best advice to give is. I'm not sure how I would feel if someone straight out asked me about my infertility, but being aware of it is a great first step. I think that it's great that you are asking your mom to keep certain comments in check.
I am editing my comment after thinking about it some and would let them approach you (as another person commented). I agree with everything she said..
How close are you two?
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I wouldn't do anything until they open up to you directly.
Maybe not give gory details of parenting and try to connect with them by talking about things that don't revolve around children (it can be hard in group settings when everyone is a parent)
But otherwise, I wouldn't let on that you suspect anything. Maybe they just decided it wasn't the right time financially? You never really know until they say something.
I wouldn't go too far in asking other people not to talk about things. It's one thing to try to be mindful. It's another thing for the couple to find out that everyone has basically been talking about their fertility behind their backs. I'd leave it up to them to set boundaries and share what they want to.
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@MaryM: very, very true regarding talking to others. You have no clue what they are going through and it might not be fertility related. I'm going to edit out that part of my comment.
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Agree with pp, wait to see if they approach you. I also want to say how amazing it is that you are being mindful and empathetic to their possible situation
Talking about other things besides babies and parenting was such a relief to me during family gatherings. I also like that you cautioned your mom too. IF can be so emotional. I know it took every ounce of control I had not to burst out crying when people asked when we were having kids.
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Maybe there's more information that you're not sharing, but I think it's a leap to assume they're having IF struggles.
Maybe they had an event or trip planned that they didn't want to be pregnant for. Maybe they want to build up their savings a bit after buying a house. Maybe they want to spend some more time together as only a married couple. Maybe any number of things. I don't think you should go around assuming anything and I especially don't think you should be speculating with your mother about it behind their backs.
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Idk sounds like a pretty big assumption to make. They're not that old! I know quite a few people who chose to wait until late 30s to start having kids despite having the man, the job and the house. Maybe they're just saving up after buying a new home.
I would say nothing until they open up to you. It feels a bit odd to even be talking about their reproductive choices behind their backs.
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Also, on age...I'm 36. My husband asked my OB if my age makes me high risk. He picked a random day and read me the ages of his patients. There was only one younger than me!
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Maybe you know more than what you posted above but those facts wouldn't make me assume someone was having trouble conceiving. Either way, though, I wouldn't mention anything. I think if people want that kind of support, they'd come to you.
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I wouldn't mention a thing unless it is brought up!
I think telling your mom to hold off too, is kind!It can be hard if they are dealing with IF!
I pray they are not and just taking it easy! -
Thanks everyone for the feedback. Just to clarify, it's not like my whole family sits around at holidays discussing their reproductive status, and I realize that you're certainly not required to start popping out babies once you buy a house
I think it's just that my mom is *obsessed* with grandchildren and makes tons of comments and hints about how she wants more. And that, combined with hearing stories here and in IRL of how difficult the struggle with infertility can be for people, made me want to be as sensitive as possible. It just made me sad to think that they could possibly be dealing with this, even though of course there is a huge likelihood that they are just fine.
I think it's just that my mom is *obsessed* with grandchildren and makes tons of comments and hints about how she wants more. And that, combined with hearing stories here and in IRL of how difficult the struggle with infertility can be for people, made me want to be as sensitive as possible. It just made me sad to think that they could possibly be dealing with this, even though of course there is a huge likelihood that they are just fine.
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