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I know you mentioned in home, but have you considered a day care center?
My LO is at a center because of all the questions you pose above are answered!

In California, there is a database listing licensed places and all violations they've gotten on visits...that said, the place I chose has violations, but I don't consider them to be really bad, whereas I visited a place with no violations that set off all kinds of alarm bells in my head! On visits, I looked at the kitchens and tested cupboards for childproof locks. I'm sorry, but I can't keep my twins out of everything, so I don't know how one person can possibly keep an eye on 6 kids! The place we go is a "large" in-home care that has 14 kids, three teachers and acts more like a daycare center. They have actual curriculum. Most in-home cares I visited didn't seem very enriching. So you have to visit different size places and just see how you feel. Go to a daycare center, go to a small in home care, a large one, etc. I think gut feeling goes a lot further than most of the questions on any list (mine included)!

@littlejoy: So it depends on the state.

In our state, you can have an unlicensed daycare and watch up to 4 kids, NOT including your own (T's kids are grown. Otherwise, 3 of your own plus 4 of another wouldn't fly with me). You don't have the state licensing people checking out your place. So...you have to be ok with the lack of oversight. For T, i totally, wholly am. Illegal would be if she had 10 kids there, basically. She also claims her income and runs as a business. She just doesn't pay a huge fee to be licensed (which would drive her cost up) and doesn't have the government poking around her house all the time, doing inspections. I've been into the daycare area so many times, I have no concerns, personally But it *is* a big leap of faith. Some people can't make that and some people need more checks and balances in place. My mom is always telling me to check E for bruises, for example (no need, she's always half naked at home anyways, LOL). But it's just one of those situations where we were fully prepared to send her to a center, toured T's place, and loved it and went with it.

The nice thing about in homes is how terribly accommodating they are. No nap schedule? Totally fine, E goes down whenever she goes down. She needs to eat X? No problem, T will give it to her. She needs advil or tylenol? No problem, T calls me and I give the OK for it to be given.

@littlejoy: We found ours through a friend of a friend. She's great! The biggest comfort to me is that he's spending his day with someone who really loves him like I would. He's not being shuffled between different people everyday depending on the schedule. There are other little ones to play with and he's learning the social skills he needs.

My one area of concern is that since it isn't a center, there isn't a set curriculum as he gets older. (Only 18 months right now). I know they read books and lots of learning is going on, but I wonder which is better for the future.

Maybe I'm overly trusting, but I live in a small community. We followed a local FB group where people would ask about childcare. I noticed that when another mom was looking for care, a fellow co-worker listed someone. I spoke with this co-worker (who I really enjoy) and found out that this person was her niece, and was taking in kids to be able to stay home with her own kids. I scheduled a time to bring my son over and see her house and get to know her kids (this is the same process we did with our prior provider) and I felt really comfortable with her and her home. I never did a background check or asked all that many questions.

My son has now been there for about 8 months and absolutely loves it! He gets to play with a number of kids ranging from 2 years (he's 16 months now) to 5 years and she treats him like one of her own. They don't have a curriculum they follow but my goal was for daycare to be his place for interaction. I spend my time teaching him a lot at home and feel comfortable with this until he's at a pre-school age. Best of luck in finding the right care for you!

We use an in-home licensed daycare. She watches 12 kids (but they are not all full-time) and has three assistants. I like that she is flexible like "just a mom" (we can text her when we're running late, she won't charge us for my summer break when he won't be going) but she is organized and has the schedule and routines like a center. She also has a curriculum and so if we didn't want to enroll him in preschool, he would get that at daycare.

She has been doing this for a long time and this is her career and she takes a lot of pride in it which I also appreciate. As long as we don't move, our son will be there until he's school age which I like too because that provides stability for him. This isn't just a side job that she'll walk away from and then we'll be scrambling looking for other care.

We found her via word of mouth but that was after an exhaustive search. I looked at Care,com, Craigslist, a state list of licensed centers and in-home providers and googled a ton of places. We interviewed a ton of places and called a lot of references. I feel so comfortable and happy with our choice and I think that's the most important part!

Good luck with whatever you choose!