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@mrbee: agree that it sounds more like he's enjoying the getting away social aspect a lot (if not maybe more) than the exercise part.

The threat he made really would have me worried.

My husband is a crossfit nut, he goes 5 times a week to a 5.45-645am class, comes home and has about 15-20 min of time with our son, and 3 nights a week he is home by 5 or 6 to spend pre-bedtime time with him (he's a professor and teaches 2 nights a week). It already kind of seems like a lot to me, but he's respectful of my running and we get just about equal time with our son averaged out over the week. If he was going to triple that time away I would not be okay with it. I sometimes feel like a crossfit widow (esp on Open weekends) with 5-6 hours a week, can't imagine more.

@MrsB2012: I agree with others that you are not unreasonable with this. That is so much "me" time and I would feel very uncomfortable with the potential father-child relationship damage coming out of not spending quality time together. Kids aren't stupid - they will figure out quickly (if they haven't already) that their daddy cares more about the gym than he does about them and that will affect their relationship with him. It's good that you're going to see a counselor for yourself, I think it will be very beneficial for you!
As for practical ideas for the meantime, if it were me I'd address it one more time. I would tell him that I'm not trying to fight, but his current schedule is a deal-breaker & we need to figure out a compromise. I would let him give his alternate suggestions as well and see what we come up with. And if he pulled the "we're gonna have problems" bullshit line, I'd let him know that we already *have* problems and we can work on it with a counselor.

Also, I asked my husband, who is passionate about several hobbies and enjoys mountain biking which takes a lot of time, what his take on this is. He said "I'd love to spend that much time on my hobbies, but our kids come first. Also, he [your DH] should check himself because no single parent could work out that much!"

Hugs!! While I agree with everyone else, I honestly didn't know there is a thing called crossfit until now, and I had to google about it. lol

He can work out at home maybe a few days a week then 2 days at the gym? I really hope you guys can work it out.

What kind of work does he do that is so high stress? Is he a fire fighter? Wall Street broker? Maybe he should switch careers to become a personal trainer, then he gets to work out all day "at work" - problem solved!

My husband travels for work a lot, and he often works late hours. He does get home to eat dinner with us most of the time when he's not traveling though, he would watch a bit of TV with DS after that, and then when I get DS for bath/bedtime he continues to work. And then I get to see LO every day after I pick him up at daycare. What you are going through is very tough and I am so sorry Just want to let you know I am sending you a lot of hugs and hopefully all will work out soon. xoxo

@MrsB2012: So just rereading everything, so if the grandparents were unavailable (out of town or sick) and you had to work, would he not cancel or skip out on a crossfit session? If that is the case, he is putting crossfit above being a parent and I would not be happy with that.

@MrsB2012: Just for the record, I strongly recommend not showing him this as your argument. The validation is good for you (you're absolutely in the right here, based on what you've told us), but it's more than likely going to make him feel ganged up on and more defensive. He may also take issue with you doing what he might see as airing your dirty laundry to a bunch of strangers online.

Yeah, so much no. My husband is a competitive cyclist, and biking is a sport that takes time. There isn't usually a 45 minute in and out - it's hours at a time. And still, my husband would never, ever miss out on time with his daughters day in and day out. One night a week, ok, then he comes home for a late bedtime with them. One morning a weekend, then we have the rest of the day together. The rest of it he fits in on lunch and late at night.

It is possible to be a serious athlete in your spare time while also parenting young children in a way that is fair to your spouse and prioritizes your relationship with them. What he's doing isn't it.

@MrsB2012: in terms of what to do now, I am wondering if the conversations aren't going well because he is feeling defensive? It sounds in some ways like this is a bigger issue about what kind of commitment/level of involvement is required of a parent in each of your minds. If he thinks he is doing "enough" through quality time on the weekends and daily daycare pick up, then he can't see why you have a problem. But if you think a parent means your kids and family are the first priority no matter what, then you can't see his perspective. So maybe trying to hear how it looks from his point of view is a place to start?

Also you mentioned that there was a time when it was better--during your leave I think? Could that be a starting point where you could talk about why things have changed and how that has impacted you?

You may have tried these things already but Thai is what came to mind. Good luck!

I just want to empathize with you. My DH was volunteering mentoring for a high school club that took up probably 98% of his free time (all day all weekend, all evening 3 week nights) for over 3 months.

We got in a gigantic fight and thankfully the club's busy season ended shortly after so he's been around more. Its hard because the kids in the club were lucky to have him, but it wasn't fair to our kids to barely see him, or for me to be on my own with them almost all the time. I obviously voiced my displeasure many, many times but until it came to a head in our fight it didn't matter. I honestly don't know if he'll commit to next season or not.

Big hugs, it sucks. Hope you find a solution.

I don't really have any advice, but I wanted to offer hugs. It sounds like your husband is being an asshole about this and I hope you're able to get through to him to see your side (and your daughters' sides) of the situation.

Before we had kids, my husband was training for the Ironman. He had training activities 6 days a week for about the same time committment and on the 7th day he was so tired he would go to sleep at like 7 pm. I ended up putting TTC on hold partly because I never saw him to TTC and partly because I was unwilling to bring children into a relationship with a parent who had a full time and chose to spend that much time out of the house on themselves with no regard for how relationships were being impacted. We had conversations about it and fights about it. I just didn't understand. I just needed to deal. So and so's wife was fine with it, etc. In the Ironman spouse community, there was a lot of fragmented relationships and a lot of divorce due to training commitments. And it really did seem like an addiction. A lot of promises by athletes that this was the last one, and then breaking the promises. And a lot of athletes who had a condescending attitude to their concerned spouses who wanted more family time "but I'm EXERCISING. It's HEALTHY". Anyway, ours ended when my husband had a training accident with life-threatening injuries. It worked to break the spell, somehow. Now he just does some light exercise here and there that doesn't impact our family time. This is all to say - I think exercise can be an addiction. You can't change people's addictive behaviour, you can only change your response. I would get some counselling with someone who specialized in this type of thing and see what they recommend.

@MrsB2012: Are there some exercises he could pursue with your kids? I have a jogging stroller that I take LO out in so we can spend more time together. Maybe he could adapt some of his exercise routines to include them. He's probably in way better shape than I am, but dang that stroller is hard to push and one great workout - I'm a solid 2+ minutes off my best pace.

@MrsB2012: Hugs - sorry that you are going through this. Just a thought, it seems like this all started to get more intense after your 2nd maternity leave - is it possible that this could be a reaction to the pressure of having a second child? I've read studies where LO#2 can be tough on some dads because now they are expected to pick up a bit more slack than with just one LO. This may be some sort of reaction to a big change. I know that when things get a bit out of control, some people react by becoming uber controlling in one part of their lives and perhaps this is his way of coping with a change. Something to consider. Either way, it is seriously affecting your family's life and stability and happiness so he must address it. I think a therapist, either alone or together is a great idea. You sound like you are being really supportive but clearly for the health of your family, things need to change. Most people without families don't even have 3 hours to workout never mind people with small kids. I hope that you guys are able to get back to a good place on this.

@MrsB2012: I think this would be good for you to read and then discuss with your husband http://breakingmuscle.com/sports-psychology/are-you-addicted-to-exercise-the-tell-tale-signs

You say that your kids are in daycare 8-12 days a month, so what about those other days they are at home -- are you the one who watches them or are there some days where he is at home with them all day?

I have noticed some men think that once mat leave is over, things can go back to the way things were before kids. I have no idea why they think that way, but maybe he felt like he sacrificed a lot and wants to get back into his old routine. I really think that counseling is a good start - when going through a rough patch, it helped DH tell me things he normally wouldn't have told me on his own.

I guess i also don't think 2 hours a day is that bad (though 3 hours is pushing it) as long as it doesn't interfere too much with family time. So i would be really upset if the grandparents were putting our kids to bed every night while he was at the gym, but i wouldn't be that upset if he spent 2 hours working out once the kids were asleep. It sounds like your issue is around him not being around the kids so maybe there is a compromise that could be struck between you two.

Good luck

All of my friends who do cross fit do it for an hour a day.

I don't get 2.5-3 hours a WEEK to myself, let alone 5-6 times a week. It's excessive. Not necessary. Something that you give up or slow down on when you choose to have children. I don't think it's ok that his parents come and watch the kids immediately after he gets the kids from work.

I even get annoyed when my husband gets home from work at 530/6 and wants to cycle in the basement for 20 mins...

I agree with the PPs about 2-3 hours a day is definitely unreasonable. If he could work out in the garage, that'd be better right? The issue is he's afraid of waking the girls. Can you invest in sound machines and some soundproofing on the walls that are next to their rooms? Just some foam you could attach to the walls would dampen the sound of the weights dropping.

@MrsB2012: this totally sucks and agree that talking to a counselor is an excellent idea.
Having "me" time is really important for both spouses to have, but so is together non-kids time. The counseling works best being together so that everyone is on the same page. My husband and I went through hard times the first two years of our daughter being born and therapy helped get us back on track, plus gave us better insight into each other and our thoughts and reasoning.

So maybe I'm way out of league here, but I asked my DH about this and he said "maybe he is having a relationship outside of his marriage". The long hours are spent working out plus being with someone else? Or that the workout and up-keep are for someone else? He got lonely during the second tri and needed more attention?

Wishing you a happy and healthy resolution.