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Tension with my husband

  1. LindsayInNY

    bananas / 9229 posts

    I was wondering what @SweetiePie: said. His parents don't comment on it? I feel like they're enabling his actions.

  2. babynumber1

    persimmon / 1396 posts

    @MrsB2012: Oh hell no. You had a famiy together, he needs to put his hobbies aside while the children are young. 2-3 hours is absurd. This would be a deal breaker.

  3. LulaBee

    pear / 1837 posts

    I agree with everyone else- this is excessive and his attitude is not okay. I hope you get the help you need (and he does too!!) My husband just ran a marathon and didn't train because we have a newborn. Family comes first.

  4. ValentineMommy

    pomelo / 5791 posts

    This would absolutely be a dealbreaker for me.

    What about you? Do you get 2-3 hours to yourself daily?

    I mean, cmon. That's a ridiculous amount of time to "need" for himself on a daily basis.

  5. Mrs. Carrot

    blogger / nectarine / 2035 posts

    I won't add to what everyone else has said already but I would recommend PMing @Mrs. Deer (I'm not sure if me tagging her will get her to see this). She's and her husband both do Crossfit and she might have some advice on how to tackle this with your husband. Good luck to you.

  6. catlady

    grapefruit / 4988 posts

    Not to repeat too much what others have said, but it does sound somewhat like an addiction to me. That said, sometimes people who have these types of problems don't want to hear about it from their closest loved ones. My SIL has an eating disorder and also an issue with over-exercising but she does not respond well at all to family members when they try to help. However, she finally got help when her friends staged an intervention. I wonder if there is a way for you to get your DH's friends or possibly even his crossfit coach to say something to him. As others have mentioned, crossfit is supposed to be 1 hr at a time. My DH does crossfit too and he loves it specifically because it is efficient.

  7. Torchwood

    pomelo / 5607 posts

    @HTownMom: That thought occurred to me too. 😕

  8. snowjewelz

    wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts

    @SweetiePie: @LindsayInNY: I think she said they don't care since they are happy that it means more time with the kids for them; they're happy to babysit whenever. They don't really think about how that means HE's not spending the time with them.

  9. snowjewelz

    wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts

    @MrsB2012: Ok his rationale of b/c you get more consecutive days off, that's just so it "seems" like you have more free time and therefore he's entitled to 2-3 hours daily.... Just... No! I can see how hard this is b/c he is so set on HIS perspective and will probably never see yours... I'm so sorry. Pulling for you that this will work out and he will come around!

  10. MrsB2012

    nectarine / 2466 posts

    @HTownMom: @Torchwood: haha, I am 100% certain that is not the case. I told him I wrote this post ( he didn't read it) but I told him about the comment, we both had a giggle. Unless he's having some crazy marathon sex in which he's coming home drenched in sweat after, that's not the case. ( Plus I know that's not it.)
    @LindsayInNY: Yeah, his parents encourage him and tell him he should go out more. His dad will text him saying that he will come up and watch the girls so he can get an extra gym session in or a run. His mom tells him the same thing, that he should take MORE time for himself! Are these people bloody nuts!? I don't want to go more into that topic because that will just start a whole other tangent on how much I hate my MIL.

    I have my first counseling appointment tomorrow afternoon, and I have to say that he has been better this week. On Monday he was going to have him mom come up, but decided he "didn't want to have a fight after" so he actually took a rest day. I'm going out with friends tonight, so I thought he was going to get a sitter ( which isn't a big deal because I'm home today and they aren't in daycare ) but he said he would do it in the garage. This will happen where for a few weeks he will be better, then just go back to the way he was. But, hopefully with just talking to him about it, and me seeking outside help, we can continue to work on a compromise.

  11. akcoffeebean

    cherry / 204 posts

    @MrsB2012: I'm really glad you made an appointment to talk to someone. It sounds hard, frustrating and lonely and having IL issues on top of that would be rough.

    I grew up with a dad who was hyper focused on gym time and working out. When I was younger (like elementary school age) he was a little overweight but by the time I was in HS he was in ultra competitive shape for his sport. The time away from family and his focus on fitness/appearance and weight was hard on our entire family. It definitely played a role in how I felt about my own weight and appearance at the time (I struggled with an eating disorder most of my teen years and into my early 20s). I don't think he "caused" my food issues, but his own issues and mine definitely overlapped and fed each other's behavior.

    I don't want to add another layer of worry, but I think it would be fair to talk to DH about what you two think modeling healthy behavior for your LOs looks like. There's a ton of research coming out about the role of father/daughter dynamics in shaping healthy self esteem and self respect and your therapist might be able to point you to some good resources to share. It might be empowering for him to learn that even when they're little little he can set them up for success in dating, peer relationships, etc.

  12. Modern Daisy

    grapefruit / 4187 posts

    So when I was on maternity leave with DS it fell at a time of year and in our lives when DH was being pulled in three different directions with after hours work commitments (happy hours, dinners, golf, trips) social events with his college friends since they were all still living near us at the time and band practice/gigs/practicing his guitar. We went about 2 weeks in a row where he left the house at 8am and returned at midnight until I finally put my foot down and established some boundaries that might work for you guys.

    I told him I didn't care WHAT he cut out or how he did it, but he could only be gone two nights during the week and one weekend day/night. He had to start prioritizing which events were most important, plan ahead and come up with creative solutions. While it was hard at first and he complained a little, he saw where I was coming from and with some planning it ended up working out really well! Some things got rescheduled and others got dropped completely, but we were all much happier in the end and less stressed.

    Maybe you can present it to your DH like that? Say you don't care what nights/times he's gone but it can only be 2-3 nights a week and the others he has to be home. If that means using the home gym more often or working out in the morning or even cutting out a workout, at least he's meeting you half way. Good luck!

  13. lemondrop

    bananas / 9118 posts

    My husband is diabetic, so he does an hour workout most days of the week, he's been able to stabilize his glucose this way and reverse a lot of problems. I understand how annoying gym time can be and sometimes I do resent it, but most of the time he tailors it to our schedule when we plan out our week. Some days he'll go for a run at lunch so he doesn't miss any family time, he usually takes an off day on one of the nights I work, and does an earlier gym evening on the other night I work so he can take the boys to the gym daycare. Some nights he goes after bedtime, and on the weekends we will all go together.

    @HTownMom: That's what what I was wondering too, I can't comprehend what takes that long at the gym. I'd be checking out the gym parking lot and looking in windows just to make sure he is where he says he is, especially since he comes up with plenty of excuses not to stick around the house.

    Regardless, working split shifts is hard and I'm glad you are seeing a counselor. I hope he becomes more flexible and more thoughtful about not just his children, but also his wife!

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