How do you handle when your toddler is disrespectful/says mean things? LO has been saying things like "Leave me alone", "everyone go away", and to DH, "You can't play with us". I don't really know where he's been getting this from, since he's not hearing it from us as far as I know, he's not in daycare/around groups of other kids without me, and he's not watching inappropriate tv. Any ideas for dealing with this? We try to explain that it hurts peoples' feelings, but that just seems to make him feel defensive/more upset.
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Oh no! I don't have any advice, but my mom recently taught ds how to say "no" so he yells "no!" at people regularly. I feel your pain!
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@Modern Daisy: haha LO did that too for a while...it's especially bad when people say hi to him in the elevator or where ever, and he just looks and them and says, "no!". They always look a bit taken aback.
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I don't think they can understand what being mean or impolite is-can you get him to tack on a "please" at least?
Heh mine does the no thing. Emphasis on finger pointing and a hard "n"
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@blackbird: haha oh he will say PLEASE go away. Or PLEASE don't play with us. So he is at least polite about it.
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I usually oblige when my son says something like that. He regularly tells me that he wants to be alone or that I can't come and play with him and my husband. At first, I was getting hurt feelings about it, but then I realized that he's just trying to express himself and his preferences.
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@hilsy85: haha that's something I guess
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@looch: he often says those things when he's angry, so if we can, we do leave him...but he has an extreme mommy preference, and my DH doesn't get that much time with him, so when he says those things to him it really hurts his feelings. It's also embarrassing when he says it to strangers who smile at him or other kids in his classes!
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My LO regularly tells us to "go away" or "leave". I'm not sure the best way to handle it, but I usually just tell her "if you want to be by yourself that's fine, but please use nice words". and then I just walk away. Not sure how much of that she really understands, but she's usually just in a cranky mood when she says stuff like that, so I leave her be. I guess I don't really consider it disrespectful though, I mean, we all have times where we want to be left alone and aren't in a good mood. I just try to ask her to say it more nicely? lol
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I understand! My son has had many preferences in his life, and one way I dealt with it was to have my husband and son leave the house together, without me there. Have you tried that?
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@NovBaby1112: I guess that makes me feel better that it's not just him! None of his IRL friends do it, so I was feeling like he was turning into a mean kid!!
@looch: yes, and he is much better with DH when it's just them. Makes it hard to do family time all together sometimes though.
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@hilsy85: We are dealing with this too. The best thing we can say is thats fine if you need time to be left alone but it means we will all leave you alone for some quiet time.
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My lo does this all.the.time. honestly I haven't had anything that works. I just keep explaining to her that it hurts feelings and I leave her alone when she tells me to go away etc. Now when she's mean to dh only and tells him he can't play I tell her if she leaves someone out then she won't have anyone to play with.
I'm hoping repetition over time will work eventually
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@hilsy85: You're certainly not alone! S is in this phase right now too, and we're struggling. He's gotten a tiny bit better with strangers where he'll just smile shyly now, but he used to be so mean to them and scream, "No!" if they tried to talk to him.
On the front where he says something mean to me or DH, we're trying to do the same as @NovBaby1112: and tell him that we don't talk that way. It's ok to want to be alone, but he has to ask in a nicer way. And that actually made me think of what's working. If we ask him if he wants something and he starts with a whiny no, we tell him to say "no thank you" and we say "ok!" That does seem to work as he'll repeat the no thank you much nicer, and then use it again for the rest of the day.
Otherwise, we're trying...just not sure it's working
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Ouch! That does sting
Does he have a quiet space that's just his? Like his own room or a play tent or something? He's not saying it to hurt anyone's feelings, but that is a consequence of saying those things to people. I'd be hesitant to teach him not to because it's important that he feels empowered to speak up if someone was ever making him uncomfortable and not respecting his personal space. Perhaps suggesting that when he wants to be alone, that's okay, he can do it in his room or whatever space you've decided on, that way he's in control of who is close to him, but he's doing it by controlling himself (bringing himself to a space where he can be alone) & not dictating others actions.
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@yellowbird: I totally think repetition will work. I think when kids find their voices, it's just developmental for them to try all the ways to use it and see what works and how people react. Once we show them, by example, how we talk to people and what to say, I think they adjust accordingly! But there's always that phase where they test out the mean parts too.
haha@2PeasinaPod: That's exactly what we have been doing! I think we're just entering this mean phase because L is still pretty young. He is getting incredibly opinionated though. We just try to remind him to say please and thank you and if he asks us to leave (or kind of motions us since he doesn't know the words yet), we ask him if he wants us to leave, and if he says yes, we move away.
It sucks but I think it's totally normal!!!!
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You're not alone. J has been so rude lately. Everything is 'right now!', even when he uses please "please get me chocolate milk, right now!' it's obnoxious. Sigh
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dealing with this in spurts lately... go away! move! I think it's more prevalent when he wants to be alone, so we've been trying to respect it and redirecting him to ask nicely, etc. I don't know if it's working or not, but hopefully the message gets through more and more each time we mention it!
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@T.H.O.U.: I try that, where I say that if he doesn't want DH to play with us, then he can play by himself because mommy wants to play with DH too, and everyone can play, etc etc.
@2PeasinaPod: I do try to listen as much as I can to his requests when he asks nicely...good point tho.
@mrs. bird: I agree, and he does have a safe space--he will often ask to be put in his crib when he wants to be alone, so that is fine. I just don't like that he is rude to others like DH or strangers just for smiling at him.
Haha as I type this he is in his crib pouting and saying, "Go away mommy! Go away mommy!" because I told him we have to run some errands and he doesn't want to go outside.
@.twist.: I do try to tell DH not to take it personally, but I think it really hurts his feelings.
@rachiecakes: omg yes! It's like, please doesn't mean as much when it's followed by something rude!
@mrsjyw: I guess L has also just been on a cranky streak lately so it seems like this has been happening more. Hope it ends soon!
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@hilsy85: It's really hard not to. I don't show it, but damn, sometimes it makes me so sad!
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Going through the same thing here. When I ask LO questions about his day at day care, I often get told "Leave me alone. I don't want to talk to you." It sucks, but I think it's his way of asking for some space. I just try to say "It's okay if you want some time to yourself, but it hurts Mommy when you talk to her that way."
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@hilsy85: No sooner did I say that, and I went downstairs (working from home today) to him telling his Pop-Pop "no!" over and over again. I told him that we say no thank you, and he did it once. Then back to "NO Pop-Pop!" It doesn't help that my FIL doesn't help to reinforce...
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@hilsy85: also dealing with this, especially mommy preference and daddy being told to go away here
Working hard trying to both get B to be nicer to DH, and get DH to be more sensitive to B, and I think I will be all my life cause they're both so stubborn 
but we're at least getting to a point where B doesn't make me feed him his entire meal and put on all his clothes, and lets daddy take over at some point. And yesterday he even insisted on only holding daddy's hand outside... yay!
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We just teach her alternate ways of saying things. Usually we will tell her that it's not nice or it's mean and it makes us sad when she says something like that. I mean, if he doesn't want to play with his dad that's not something that can be fixed but he can say it in a nicer way. My LO has a Mommy preference, too.
She didn't want to be hugged or touched or kissed by DH one day and kept saying "Leave me alone" or "Don't touch me" and I told her it made him sad but that I understood she didn't want to be touched, she just has to say it nicer. So she says, "Please Daddy I don't want a hug right now" or "Please Daddy I don't want to be touched right now" or "Please daddy don't touch my arm right now," Haha.
Instead of "Leave me alone" she says "I want to play in my room." This wasn't an instant thing. We first talk to her and use words she understands. Then we model the behavior for her. When you talk to him does he think you're upset with him?
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My DD did this for a spell, and every once in a while she will bust out the "Don't touch me" or "Leave me alone", but not as much as before. In our case, I'm fairly certain she picked it up from daycare. We just keep asking her to say things nicely. Takes a long time but in the end it works. Yesterday, I asked her to say hi to our neighbor and instead of just saying no like she typically does, she said "No, that's okay". So you know, baby steps.
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Miss A loves telling me to "go away, Mum-mum, go away!" and it is pretty sucky! I do think that part of it is realising they have some control and that they're words can have an effect on other people's actions.
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I would talk with them right away. Chances are he's heard it around the house, at school, or on TV. I would try instituting some alone time ... maybe he's feeling overstimulated?
"I understand you're feeling *frustrated* (or other feeling), can you tell me why?" -- Or, "I see that you're having a hard time processing your feelings, would you like a little quiet time with a book?"
I always try to understand that kids are little people with big feelings. It's totally a phase that he will grow out of. I'd say to be gentle with yourself (you're awesome), and let him see that you're hearing him (and he'll learn that he doesn't need to use angry language to get his points across).
I saw my friend's little girl walk right up to the parents and say, "I don't love you!" -- Ouch!! Kids are crazy.
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@mrsjazz: hmm We try to have it come off as "sad" more than angry, but when he keeps saying it, we definitely get annoyed/angry, especially DH.
@plantains: sometimes when someone says hi to him, he will shake his head and say "No hi today!" which is better than saying "go away from me!".
Uuugh bathtime was a disaster, he was basically crying and telling Dh to go away, get out, etc, the whole time. In a case like that, would you just have DH continue to do bath? And just ignore what he's saying? Dh has been doing his bath for several months, it's not a new thing...we tried saying that if he kept being mean to daddy he wouldn't get any bedtime books. Not sure how effective that was.
@littlejoy: I don't think he's old enough for those statements, although I"m sure they'd be great for older kids! open ended questions can still be tricky for him to answer and often this happens at times when he was previously playing quietly and happily--so maybe sometimes it's from being tired/overstimulated, but certainly not always. Kids definitely know how to twist the knife!
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@hilsy85: would it be possible to leave (or pretend to leave) the house before bath time for a while?
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@mrbee: hmm...I could do that I suppose? I KNOW LO is totally fine with DH as soon as I am out of the picture, but the annoying thing is that even if DH puts him to bed/spends a lot of alone time with him a few days in a row, as soon as I am there the next day, it is back to the way things were. Do you think it just takes longer for him to ease up on the mommy pref? Or is it just going to be like that as long as I am there with them...
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@hilsy85: My son had a huuuuuge mommy preference... now he's my buddy!
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@mrbee: yeah I've re read your posts on the issue...I can only hope that happens for DH!
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@hilsy85: So personally I'd still have DH do bath time. He can cut it short, but I think if you give in to something like that you're teaching them that kids run the show, not parents.
We have a slight mommy preference here but we combat that by having DH have consistent time with DS. He always does bath time, does bedtime every other day, and makes sure to spend other 1:1 time when possible.
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We just help our DD come up with different phrases and respect her wishes if she wants to be alone. I don't think she has the filter and control yet to think about how certain phrasing makes others feel while she's upset.
She says things openly about strangers too - that she doesn't like when they are looking at her, etc. I understand, people do interact with kids much more than would be comfortable with an adult stranger! It's embarrassing sometimes, but I don't want to teach her that she's doing something bad because I want her to know she can assert herself and speak up when someone's making her uncomfortable.
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My LO is 25 months, and she spent a good 10 minutes this morning saying "Don't want to" when DH was getting her ready to go to daycare. Also, she pushed his leg when he tried to sit next to her on the couch and said "No. Over there" to the loveseat.
We try to remind her about saying please, and using her words. And, if it won't make us late, we also try to give her choices, but sometimes, we also just have to pick her up and move her along with us. It's not easy.
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DD has recently started telling people to shut up when they sing
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I try to offer DD alternate ways to say things or, where applicable, an action she can take to get what she wants without whining/being rude. An example of this is recently she's been saying "mommy, take my sister away from here" when her recently mobile little sister tries to play with her....I've suggested that she state she'd like to be alone, then get up and move.
For the mean statements, I either ignore them (when it seems like she's trying for attention) or tell her she hurt my feelings (if I think she doesn't really know she's being rude), but eill than her for letting me know (ie, I want her to tell me if she didn't lije her dinner but she doesn't have to say it was soooo yucky)
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@hilsy85: I also think when you have another one and he realizes how much undivided attention he can get from DH it might get better.
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I *think* E finally outgrew it? But now she's telling me, "you hurt my feelings" when I say something she doesn't like so I think she picked it up from me constantly saying, "that hurts my feelings".
Just to clarify, I "hurt her feelings" when I say, "it's time to go" or "one last gram cracker" haha. -
LO's fave thing: "No daddy".... Poor dh hates it, he says it always now though. Like dh isn't even around and he says no daddy.... I would just keep taking to him about his words and reinforce saying nice things. I'm sure it's just a short phase.
but we're at least getting to a point where B doesn't make me feed him his entire meal and put on all his clothes, and lets daddy take over at some point. And yesterday he even insisted on only holding daddy's hand outside... yay!
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