I'm a little type-A and I think in some ways it was a bit difficult on DH because I was very, Um, goal-oriented. He's not like that and we balance each other well, but I think overall it was definitely stressful. How did you and your SO handle it?
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I think in retrospect it was great for our relationship. We tried for 5 years to have B and that gave us a lot of time to learn about how we each dealt with hard times and stress. It also gave us time to do a lot of stuff that we probably wouldn't have done otherwise - trips to Morocco and Paris and Vegas - that gave us a lot of memories that I cherish.
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The first time around, no -- we barely tried! The second time was really, really rough, between impatience with not conceiving right away, a lot of pressure mostly on my behalf (sorry, husband) and then the fallout of all of our losses. I think we're a lot stronger now having come through all of it, but in the thick of it, I wondered if we'd damaged our relationship for sure.
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@mrsmacandcheese: This describes us as well. The first was just fun and we did get pregnant quickly but the second we struggled with and between two miscarriages and fertility treatments etc., I was a stressed out maniac and DH took the brunt of it. But we made it through stronger than ever.
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Yes, it was very tough. The first time, I was just so obsessed with temping and timing and all that. Then we lost that one and I became twice as crazy about it. I think to DH, it just wasn't fun anymore. After we had LO and started TTC #2, I started off trying to be more laid back about it and we conceived again pretty easily, so that time wasn't so bad. But after another couple losses, I became a little nuts again.
We finally took a break due to the stress and somehow I ended up pregnant while we were preventing and that ended up being such a blessing. By the time we found out I was pregnant again, we were both in a much better place and it was a nicer start to the pregnancy than our previous ones.
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Not too difficult, 4 months with the first. I just had a hard time getting my period at that point. The second only took the one try.
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The hardest thing we've ever gone through. But it's made me realise how lucky we are, and how STRONG we are. If we could face Infertility and Loss, we could face anything.
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It's been fine on our marriage and our relationship. DH doesn't have baby fever like I do though. He's a very much "in the moment" type person, he wants a baby, but he's happy with life now too.
But for me personally it's been one of the most stressful, emotional roller coasters I've ever been through. I try to shield the stress from DH, because I don't want HIM to get stressed out, since his job is more important than mine. -
@jaguar: THIS. Though our situation isn't exactly the same, you said it perfectly.
We suffered through so much loss - it brought us closer together. We relied on each other during our process to have our two boys and we grieved for the 4 we lost together. It made us realize that if we could survive this and come out stronger, we could do anything together.
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I would say that it has definitely been one of those bumps in the road that we will have to persevere through together. It was fun the first 3 months, now it's becoming harder on us, especially me. We have only been trying for 5 months, but it has become clear that I'm more goal oriented and my husband has a more "if it happens, it happens" approach. This has been a struggle for us to get on the same page, but he is working so hard to be move involved by doing the littlest things that show he is interested in whats going on. I've started going to therapy, so that I can learn some coping mechanisms for stress and communication. I think it is going to help us through the journey. I certainly don't want this experience to be the start of the end of our marriage, and I don't think it will be, as long as we can work through it together.
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I don't think I would say it's been "hard" on our marriage, but I think it's definitely tested it.
Our marriage hasn't been any harder because of the circumstances we've been dealt, but the difficulties we've had to deal with have helped us appreciate each other and our marriage more. And I think it's proven to us how important it is to communicate more openly and be more sensitive and vulnerable.
I think our relationship has been tested just by virtue of having to deal with losing three babies and burying two of them...but I think our marriage has been what's made it possible to move on from that and be able to try again.
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It was good for our marriage. I wanted to enjoy the process, so we went into things with a pretty relaxed approach. No temping or charting or anything like that. Just had lots of sex. We got lucky and got pregnant our third month trying, so it was pretty stress free.
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I think it was net zero. Being pregnant and having a child together is what really bonded us.
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Last month was the hardest month of trying for us as a couple so far. During my fertile time we really struggled with 'doing the deed' on demand this month. Normally it's no problem but we really missed just doing it for fun/pleasure/reconnecting as a couple/just because we were in the mood! It's become more like a chore and that isn't something that either of us wanted to happen obviously.
Also I went to the doctor this month and had my hormone levels tested since it had been months & months of timing/temping/charting and no pregnancy and I wanted to be proactive {AKA I wanted to feel in control of a situation I have no control over ha}. The day I found out all my levels came back normal was the day I started spotting, meaning my period was coming the next day- which happened to be the one year anniversary of my husband's dad's passing from cancer. I was devastated. I made the mistake of thinking it was 'the month' and I was going to be able to take a pregnancy test ON his dad's anniversary and I just couldn't wait to be able to tell my husband something so positive on such a sad day! I know better than to get my hopes up like that but it can be so hard sometimes...
Overall this cycle has been much better for us and I'm trying to be less obsessive and more 'live our life and enjoy this moment' but it's not easy, that's for sure! My husband is so supportive but he can't relate to all my emotions so I have hidden a lot of my sad times from him. I'm learning that by telling him that I'm upset and why I'm upset helps us both versus me 'protecting him' from the unfun stuff.
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@SHIZAZ I relate to you completely! It can be so much easier to just shield them from the truth sometimes... And yes, it's 100% been an emotional roller coaster!! Down-right overwhelming sometimes.
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