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@Anagram: It sounds like it wouldn't hurt to do a little more estate planning. A few years ago we set up our wills and the software we bought online also had worksheets where we could fill out information about every single account/insurance plan/etc that we each had so that we could refer to it easily if one of us passed. We also made a login/passwords sheet. The originals of those are in a safe deposit box at our bank. I can send you the information for the company we used if you need it.

We have a huge gap in income since I'm only part time. 10%me, 90% DH. All finances are combined and bills on autopay, although DH generally skims over out Amex bill to make sure everything checks out.

We have been together since we were 18 so didn't come into the relationship w real income or spending habits. I don't check w him for purchases, well maybe if I wanted to buy something like $500. But all of my random $100 Amazon purchases, nope. It works for us

@Anagram: oh. We compile stuff together, pull up accounts, review what's there, if we want to do anything in the future, print out info. Honestly it's hard to get DH to focus on that stuff so it's usually just a cursory go through but it is once a year where we both know account info, passwords and what's where. And it's a good excuse to get him to focus on it for a bit.

I agree with @BKCaribBaby: - it's a great first step in realizing that you need to do something. It will take time, but you will get there!!!

I had dinner with friends last year and most of them were in the same place as you. I think that I accidentally scared the S&*t out of them asking them some of the same questions that you are thinking as they didn't have access to anything of their spouses.

@Anagram: Nothing to be embarrassed about! Let them help you get it all set up correctly I promise you are way ahead of the game compared to plenty out there!

All of our finances are joint. We have similar incomes and are both responsible with money (although DH is more hesitant to spend money on himself than I am.) We trust each other to make good financial decisions so we don't need each other's permission to make reasonable purchases. If one of us is thinking of making a very extravagant purchase we'll usually mention it to the other but it's not a request for permission, just notice. (A few months ago I spent $1,600 on something that was a luxury and benefited only me. I told him I was doing it. His response was "sounds good. enjoy") Neither of us would spend money if we couldn't afford it.

I love having joint finances because everything is easy and streamlined. It's great for our marriage because it truly feels like we're a team in every way...there is no his or mine, everything is ours.

We have everything seperate (except for a joint emergency fund and the girls' RESPs) It works well for us , though I know we are in the minority !

We have combined bank accounts in separate banks where we have direct deposit. We are loyal to our banks and didn't want to leave one bank for the other. We both have access to each others account but the husband never checks my bank. I"m in charge of all our finances but we have a yearly finance spreadsheet to ensure that all bills due for that month are paid. He usually skims through that. We don't have bad spending habit but if I make large purchases for the family, I usually tell him but if I make a purchase of a couple hundred for me, he doesn't question it. I've gotten to a point of my life where I buy what I want and need because obviously, he'll never get it for me after the million times I've hinted.

We have joint checking and savings except for retirement accounts -we have our own that money goes directly into from work. I earn more than DH and we have a set dollar amount that if we want to spend that, we need to let the other one know. I used to spend a lot of money on facials/skin care and that fell into that let DH know before doing so category. We'd adjust the dollar amount as our salaries changed.
Now we are on a more extreme budget so we set a goal not to spend more than x dollars on groceries and we track that closely and adjust other needs as needed.

So we have a different set up because I am self-employed. We've had joint accounts since we got married (we added my name to his), but I also have a separate checking account for my business. We've been committed to living on one income (or as close as possible) since we got married because we wanted to know we could survive if I stopped working entirely (I am a SAHM mostly but still work 15-25 hours depending on the season). All my business expenses and income go into my account and then I calculate a specific amount for "self-pay" each month and transfer that into our joint account. Since everything in theory gets paid from his income, we decide together what my income will go towards (usually the goal is savings or emergencies).

We both can see our finances in goodbudget and are responsible for sticking with the budgeted amount, although I do the majority of the weekly spending (groceries etc). We gave ourselves a set amount of "spending money" that we also track and comes out of the same account. DH pays some of the big bills, but I could just as easily do them if I wanted to.

We are both equally good with money, but DH doesn't like to spend money at all and I like to hit our goals and then have some fun money afterward. Lately we've had some big goals (buy a house, survive our first year in the house and having another kid) so we haven't really had anything extra to decide what to do with.

PROS: We don't worry about bills getting paid, we know we have money budgeted for everyday life. We also know we have my income for emergencies.
I am still building my credit because I have a credit card in my name and bank accounts in my name.

CONS: We are trying to live on one income so finances are usually tight but not unmanageable. If one of us is not careful we could easily throw everything off for the month, but we still have savings as a back- up.
Since I actually like to spend money, sometimes I wish I could spend more of my income on things I'd like to have. But if I do want something badly enough I can usually convince my husband that my income should go toward that.

We have a joint checking and savings account. I call it joint but in reality I am the only one on the account. I probably should get him added for an emergency but I wouldn't give him any cards for the accounts since I don't spend out of them myself (aside from mortgage and paying the cc) and wouldn't want him to do so either. His paycheck and money that goes to us goes into it. We do have a shared credit card and for the most part I put all of our expenses on that and pay it off at the end of the month (for points). TBH, my husband spends very little. He is frugal and a little cheap and I do 99.9% of the buying/spending as far as groceries, doctors, medication, clothes for kids, bills, mortgage. So it makes it nice for me to manage everything. He doesn't even see how I budget things but he knows how much approx is in our savings. Good thing he trusts me I guess lol. The only purchases we discuss would be more major items like furniture, cars, etc.

My husband does have his own personal account that he keeps some money in for his hobby but paychecks don't go into that. He also has his own business accounts (he is self employed and runs a business).

I just use excel as I've gotten it very detailed and extensive over the years and it works out very well for me for the most part. I did not like Mint at all and I don't want to pay for YNAB when my excel file works great for me.

Like many of the other bees we have all joint accounts which I manage with YNAB. My DH has no interest in actively managing our finances and is happy for me to do it.

@Anagram: That being said we have a fairly significant income gap and spending profiles. It took quite some time for me to get my DH on board with a very detailed budget. After a couple of months where we spent a lot of tile reviewing everything and I showed him how we could both have things that we want he got on side.

I think since you have always had separate finances it will take some work to bring everything together but it should all work itself out

One thing we did (and need to update) was to write up a document with all of our various accounts, the account numbers and the phone number of each company. It's really nice having everything spelled out and in one place. In our case, both names are on everything except he still has one savings account in just his name that has like $47. I guess it's free as long as he has money in it or something. I worked that if something happened to him I wouldn't even know what bills to pay, I could easily overlook something like the water bill.

We have a joint checking and joint savings but since I sah it doesn't make as much of a difference as it does for you.

We have a huge income difference even when I am working (on maternity leave now). DH handles all the bill paying, we have joint combined everything, we do a monthly budgeting meeting where we talk about the month's large expenses and perhaps if a big expenditure is on the horizon the next month or two we talk about whether we need to throttle back to make sure that's covered. If there's a holiday or birthday or event or vacation coming up that month we talk about it and allot money for it.

Our large expenses are pretty fixed and we try to regulate our bills in a way to make them predictable. That builds the baseline budget and we have that in Mint which we can track at all times. The big variable is our credit card that we pay off monthly. We generally have all our spending go on the card and try to keep that within a certain window (unless it's one of the bigger expenses we've allotted for). I'd say it's ballpark within $500 of the same amount every month of we don't have a big purchase.

We do a cash based budget so we don't really do debt, although we aren't saving much at the moment because we are still paying off our student loans. We keep a cash cushion in our checking for any unexpected expenses and can back stop with our credit card if necessary.

I am the spender and shopper, but I'm a deal hunter. DH really doesn't buy anything other than fast food while he's out or something or gas or haircuts. If he needs something he tells me and I shop around and get it for him. If I want something frivolous over $200, let's say, I'd mention it to DH and see what he thought but frankly I don't buy things like that unless there's some holiday I can cop it for so its not really an issue. For the kids, I'll run a bigger purchase by him and he will either say yes or let's wait a bit. I don't think DH has ever been like NO to something.

We believe it's our money so I've never felt weird about spending even though DH makes more and he's never made me feel like Im spending his money. Frankly, DH makes as much as he does because we planned his career together, I support his creature needs, and because I ratcheted back my career for the family. So I feel very much a stakeholder in our finances. And we have the same ultimate goals - being debt free, retirement, helping pay for college - so we don't really disagree on a whole lot. We also tithe and give charitably and agree to an amount annually for that too.

Ok to the financial stuff. DH and I have a big pot o money. We have been together 15 years, married for 8. Just lumped everything together. He makes waaaaaaaaay more than I ever did when I worked full time and it will continue to be that way. I work very very part time now. We really don't have a method. He handles all of the investing (he's a cpa and cfa) and bills/accounts. I basically run the house 98% of the time including almost all spending. Travel, household, clothes (both his, mine, and baby), car, groceries, etc. to that effect, I also am pretty bad about just buying stuff without asking him. However once he sees it he generally is on board (ex: new non shedding non itchy rug for nursery). I think at times he thinks I spend too much, but also realizes I'm a pretty smart shopper who occasionally buys dumb stuff (new running shoes when I don't run). It's pretty fast and loose but it works for us

@Anagram: We have a very large salary gap. I work part time, Dh is on a very good wage. All our bills, including fun money are paid from DHs wage. My wage has been paying down debt and saving for expenses for #2 but we are going to lose that very soon. We have a joint account and then a separate account each for our own purchases and personal savings. We consider it all ours, no matter who contributed what. We also have very different spending habits. I shop a lot, DH doesn't. I am also a saver, DH is not. Weird right? YNAB lets me shop but keep everything in check. I deal with everything money related because DH is just not interested and I like doing it. Things like haircuts are paid out of our fun money and currently I get a little more fun money because girl things cost more and and DH doesn't spend all his fun money anyway.

We share all money/accounts. Just wanted to add that I LIKE having both of us know what the other is doing. We generally don't give eachother a hard time at all about what the other spends, but knowing that DH will see what I am spending reminds me to think about whether or not I think it's worth it. (We both tend frugal, though, so not spending feels almost as good to us as spending )

About a year before we got married, my husband moved into my apartment. I was making more than he was. Rather than figure out an equitable rent-sharing formula, we decided that I would keep paying the same rent. The money he had previously been spending on rent and utilities was deposited into a new "shared savings" account. It started out as a sort of rainy day fund. We also got a new shared credit card and used it for household expenses. We split that 50-50.

After we got engaged, we increased the contribution to the shared savings. We based the savings rate on our respective paychecks and spending patterns. The shared saving account turned into a wedding fund.

After we got married, it became a car fund and then a condo downpayment fund.

At this point we have added each other to some of our independent checking accounts in case the logistics would be convenient, but we haven't really changed our behavior otherwise.

I am not going to pretend that we never comment on each other's big purchases, but this system has generally preserved our spending autonomy while still being accountable towards our mutual goals.

Look into "transfer on death" (TOD) for investment accounts. That is supposed to sidestep the estate settlement process even if you don't have access to the account while the account holder is still alive. That is how I set up my IRA. It's still in my name only but will automatically transfer to my husband if I die before him.

ETA: We do a monthly reconciliation and pay each other back for shared expenses. It's sort of an annoying and complicated process but works for us.

Separate here. It was' Me' that insist on keep financial separate, it was my request and I make it very clear.. He pretty much have no choice on this. If he want to married me, he have to let me have my request.
He was very keen on get married, and I agree to married him, but with one condition: we keep separate financial.

My job is minimum wage, I get pay $10 an hour.
My husband salary average out to $40 an hour. So he make 4x more income than me, so 'the husband' clearly is the favor/beneficial from me want to keep financial separate. I'm not bully him or anything.

Why I insist on keep seperate financial? Because I feel that it more fair, due to he make 4x more than me.
And because I feel terrible for him due to my parents discriminate against him and disrespect him.. Because he married me, he doesn't have a MIL, he doesn't have any in-laws.
My Vietnamese mother discriminate against him due to SOLELY one reason--his ethnicity. (My husband is from West Africa).
My parents disown me after I got married, my mother is ashamed of me and wants nothing to do with me. Added on she call me all kinds of hurtful names, curse and and insult me in every way she possibly can. She hates my husband due to his ethnicity.
I always self-blame that I can't give him a MIL. That he doesn't have MIL like other men out there.
Yes, I know most men don't care about having MIL, they're fine with not having a MIL.. And that my husband rather not have a MIL than have to deal with my mom (a MIL who discriminate and disrespect him).
I know this reasoning, but I still blame myself that my mother discriminate against him.

Anyways. My husband always bank with Chase. I always bank with Wells Fargo. NEVER once we had fights or arguments over money, there nothing to be argue about. Eventhough we have separate accounts, we completely financial transparency with each others.

He very responsible with money, he work hard to secure for the future. Every month he always puts money in saving account in case of rainy days. He make sure we have a decent amount in saving, make sure we in a comfortable financial position. He save for our baby future and save for us, and save for emergency. He's a huge planner.
Me? Pfffffffff! I'm not a planner. I'm a girl that live paycheck by paycheck; because my job is minimum wage, it not much to save.
It him that worries and secure everything from emotionally to financially, so I can live a stable steady and comfy life.. Thank you to him, I live a comfy life.

Because we both Debt-free, zero debt. No school debt, No credit-cards debt.. Due to being Debt-free, and due to we both are not big spender, life is comfy for us.
Everything, including bills are all pay on time early every months. Never once we have a late payment, let alone a missed payment.
He doing fine with his salary alone for a guy by himself, make average of $40 an hour.
He said he make 4x more than me, he wants to be the one that pays for everything. But I say No.. So he said how about I pay for grocery. And the rest everything he pays, Rent/mortgage, all Bills is he pays.

We keep financial separate. But I'm the one that do checkbook balance, keep track of money, balances the checkbooks. He specificly asked me to. He said I'm his wife, and he trust me.

He doesn't like to go online. He doesn't like to do any banking/financial stuff related online. He Never do eStatements, everything is through paper mail home to him.
All bills all financial bills stuff, monthly credit card bills, saving/checking bank statements; are all mail home to him in paper. He wants Paper Statements for everything.
I know all financial, his Saving/Checking account, his 401k/retirement, I know exactly how much he have in his saving. I know how much money he have, know his working hours, his paychecks. I know his taxes.

It him he the one that wants me to help balance his checkbook for him. So I do help him, I balance it and let him check it over afterwards. We have complete financial transparency.
It works for us. Never once we argue or fight over money, there nothing to fight or argue about. We both are not big spenders, and we Debt-Free.

He knows I insist on keep financial separate due to my parents discriminate against him and disrespect him.
He knows I work a minimum wage job. And he knows I'm very frugal.
He does try to make it up for me. I guess due to I keep insist on keep separate financial, his way of make it up to me is he gives me money every time he gets pay.
He have full time job that pays weekly, and a part time job that pays bi-weekly. So he get pays 6 times a month.
And every time he get pays he give me $200 to $300, and when I refused to take it he leave the cash in the wallet at home for me.
He said it my monthly monthly money, spend it--use it on anything I want, go shopping and buy things for myself. He said he give it to me, it is mine.

He already secure everything from emotionally to financially, so I can live a stable steady and comfy life. He really doesn't needs to give me monthly money.. But he insist on give me, he said he 'wants' to. So that leave me with the only option of keep continue saving it.
I haven't use a penny of of it, I told him I open a saving account, and put it all in a saving account. The money he gives me it all still in the saving account.. I want to save it for our future baby expense, or save it for baby college. I just don't want to use it for myself.
I know he work hard for his money, it didn't fall down from the sky. I don't want to spend it.
I'm a very frugal person. I cut coupons, I use coupons. I save every dollars as I can.

Ugh.. I don't need him give me monthly money. Every.time. he gets pay he always give me $200 to $300; he give me that amount but six times a month--so times six.
$200 to $300 times six = that how much he give me a month. He give me too much.
(it probably not be alot to others; But I'm just a girl who work minimum wage jobs all my life, to me it alot of money).
I don't need that much money each month from him. I know he cares for me and wants to see me well taken care of, but I really don't need it.
I can debate with him till my face turn blue and steam coming out of my head. And he still give me money, he says he "wants" to give me money.
( I know he doing it because he make 4x more, and it "Me" that keep on request separate financial.
And I know he wants to make it up for me because married him, it resulted in my parents disown me. He knows I grief about have my parents disown me. He said when I feel grief, he feels grief too.)

Anyways, that how our financial system is in our family. I guess it works for us, because Never once we argue or fight about money.
Heck, in fact we don't even fight or argue in our marriage. He a loving and devoted husband, he treats me really really well.. It been a peaceful marriage, too peaceful. Everything just so peaceful, sometimes I wonder if we normal or not, lol