Last month was my first month actively TTC....you would have thought it was my umpteenth month TTC. I should have known better. I love to plan to plan, yet I'm your typical libra and middle child. Is it possible to PLAN to have balance and routine in your life? Maybe so, but this past month was such a humbling experience for me.

I threw my birth control in the trash as soon as I could after our wedding. I have been drawn to babies and kids my whole life and I've always known I want kids. Being a nursery nurse and Auntie (times two beautiful girls) only solidifies my desire. Hubby is the oldest of 7(!!) and I am the middle of 3. We talk about our future kids often and he is so in tune with this whole process. Just the other day, he asked me- "Soooo, when do you ovulate again?" Hold the phone- since when did this kind of stuff make me melt?!?! Since last month it made me melt. Since last month when he dealt with my crazy meltdowns about "we must take our vitamins, please use the smaller cup on the keurig if you must have coffee, make sure you wear boxers and not boxer briefs, what do you mean you're tired and don't want to do it for the 7th day in a row, and are you sure you want to drink another beer tonight?! Oh great, our kid is going to end up having 3 eyes."

Fast forward to CD 38- spotting. Spotting?! What could this mean. Oh this could mean two things. Implantation or AF. Implantation...ha. I had a positive OPK on CD 25&26 (I have longer cycles- regularly 38-40 days.) It was AF, for sure. I had planned to test 3 days after that. I had planned to miss my period, of course. I had planned to see that glorious BFP the very first time we tried. That is exactly what I had planned.

Instead, I was humbled. I didn't even get to pee on a stick, but it was exactly what I needed. I went from feeling liberated and excited after throwing my BC in the trash, to feeling hopeful and fairly patient while my cycle regulated a bit, to being a crazed control freak the first month of trying, to feeling sad/disappointed/angry with myself.

I googled everything and anything I felt/smelled/heard...yadda yadda. By the end of last month, this is what I had concluded:
1. I google way too much...I have now self diagnosed myself with everything under the sun.
2. I ain't preggers.
3. I am terrified of temping- more freak for the control freak? errr thanks, but no thanks...I just honestly don't think I could survive.
4. OPK's suck...until you get that cute little smiley staring back at you.
5. My husband has more patience than I could fathom...and a heart of gold.
6. I can't wait to be pregnant.
7. I can't wait to hold my sweet little angel in my arms.
8. I can't control things that are out of my control. i.e: the unknown.
9. I love wine. And coffee.
10. No matter how long this journey takes, this baby will be worth it. Worth every little bit.

I gave up so many things last month because I read so many different articles/views on ttc, the tww, and pregnancy itself. I gave up coffee, I gave up wine, I gave up my favorite high intensity workouts, I gave up "making love," I gave up having balance in my life, I gave up my sanity. And I was humbled.

This month (and hopefully from here on out,) I am trying to be more relaxed. For everybody's sake. I am enjoying my one cup of coffee, my one glass of wine, my favorite workouts, my time with my husband, and the adventures we share together. I learned so much in one short month.

I thought I'd share with all of you and ask you what you have learned during your journey of TTC?