When you have a relationship with someone and they only wish to communicate about problems that may be occurring between the both of you, on their time and when their ready...what do you do?
We're talking a family member you have to deal with daily. The tension is high but they refuse to talk...then what?
olive / 54 posts
I think it kind of depends on what you think you need to get out of it. In so many cases, trying to force someone to deal with a problem only makes it worse. In a best case scenario, I think you can name it - i.e. "I feel that there's tension between us. It is affecting me in [x] way. I realize you don't want to discuss it, but I want to acknowledge that it's there. If there's a time when you're ready to discuss it with me, I'll be here." But at the same time, there may not be a short-term solution if they are reluctant to hash it out. But at least you've said your piece.
honeydew / 7622 posts
Is it your spouse? If not do you live with this person? Have you considered therapy alone?
I will say I'm on team avoid until I cool down. I can get really ragey and say awful things if I don't get some time and space from a person/situation.
pear / 1717 posts
@Academicsocialite: I agree. I don't want to make it worst but it makes things so uncomfortable. I have tired that and they'll brush it off and act like everything is fine and then months later the truth comes out.
@youboots: Oh no not my spouse! He has no choice but to hash it out if problems occur lol for better or worst buddy!! I honestly have considered it because it's so annoying. It's an in law and in the past as annoying as it was I didn't have to deal with them daily but now that I do, it's overwhelming. I try to do the same. I give it about a week or two, just to see if the person s having an off week or whatever but if it continues then I address it but it honestly falls on deaf ears.
honeydew / 7622 posts
@bubblegum: why do you have to deal with them daily? Do they provide childcare or do you work together?
pear / 1717 posts
@youboots: Childcare so it make it VERY difficult when I have to talk to her about things and she does everything in her power to avoid me. For the last three weeks I've been having to text her instead of talking face to face because she doesn't come down in the morning.
honeydew / 7622 posts
@bubblegum: is it possible to do something else for childcare? I know it may be a stretch but I'd worry that this person would undermine my relationship with my child. My grandma (Dad mom) does not care for my mother and still make all kinds of passive aggressive side comments about her.
pear / 1717 posts
@youboots: Thankfully it actually is coming to an end in less than a month. With DD being born though I know she'll try to brush it all under the rug as if nothing had happened and be buddy buddy. YES an example of her attempting to undermine me is when DS is acting up and I'm in the middle of handling of it and she feels the need to say something. SO ANNOYING!
grapefruit / 4321 posts
@bubblegum: I'm assuming this is a mother or MIL, does this person live with you? You say she "won't come down in the morning". Honestly, if someone was unwilling to have open and honest communication with me, I would ask them to find somewhere else to live (or move out if I'm in their space). I would not want to live with that kind of stress and no where to get away.
pear / 1717 posts
@Truth Bombs: It is my MIL and THANK GOD she does not live with me and nor I her with her. She watches DS and in the mornings when we drop him off she will not come down and when picking him up it's still impossible to get a word if either because she'll dodge us or have us pick him up outside of her home (example: supermarket)
It's driving me NUTS!!!! I know I have a short period of time but it's the not being able to speak to her face to face about DS that is taking me overboard.
pomelo / 5220 posts
This would drive me crazy. I tend to be pretty non-confrontational in these sorts of situations. I don't know what I would do. I guess if it bothered me enough I would probably text or email her saying that a discussion needed to be had if she kept trying to avoid me in person.
pear / 1717 posts
@psw27: I really really REALLY want to but I know she'll try to dodge it, no matter how direct I might be about it. Which will annoy me to the high heavens considering I have to see her face until I pop out my babe
pomelo / 5220 posts
@bubblegum: Is she upset about something specific? I really can't stand childish stuff like this. grrr. I'm sorry you are dealing with this with weeks left in your pregnancy....
pear / 1718 posts
@bubblegum: If she won't communicate with you (she won't even come down/meet you at drop off? seriously?!), I would find alternative child care. Communication between parents and caregivers is so critical - her behavior would seriously undermine my confidence in her ability to adequately care for my child.
Eta: I had a similar situation with a relative. Long story short, my family's quality of life was significantly improved when we found alternative care (a center that we absolutely love).
pear / 1717 posts
@psw27: Your guess is as good as mine! Me either!! It unnecessary! Last year we went from speaking almost daily to nothing, when I addressed her about she said it was nothing and that she's just been busy. A few months later (when she was ready) she told me she was upset about a comment I made, WHICH was not even what I said. SO she was upset about a comment that NEVER happened. Thanks love I'm really trying to hang in there and not it let it get to me but it's easier said than done
grapefruit / 4278 posts
I would probably call her out on being childish (or make DH do it). You told her there was an issue you wanted to discuss and she's avoiding you. She doesn't come down in the morning when you drop off your child? That wouldn't fly with me at all. What if I needed to tell her he had a rough night, or ask what they're doing that day, or if she needed more diapers. I wouldn't be using her as a sitter, immediately, if I couldn't discuss it with her.
pomelo / 5220 posts
@bubblegum: Um yeah I can't deal with that kind of childish nonsense. Especially super pregnant. She needs to really grow up. I think I would call her bluff and say that I wasn't going to have her watch DS anymore unless she is able to communicate with you face to face.
pear / 1717 posts
@pwnstar: Oh it's already happening! We have a little less than a month to go! Thank the LORD!
pear / 1718 posts
@bubblegum: I'm sorry you're dealing with this - it really (REALLY) sucks and is so damn draining. It took me a long time to realize that some people just aren't capable of getting out of their own head/way or having an *adult* relationship for the benefit of the kiddos.
pear / 1717 posts
@kiddosc: Well this morning DH addressed her about something and she was so snippy!!! I was like see I told you! It's not just me she has some type of issue and honestly I could care less but you have to communicate with me about my kid. EXACTLY! And that's my issue like there are things I need to you tell you or maybe something you have to tell me. ANDDDDD you get paid to watch him let's not act like it's a free ride. Her time of watching her is coming to and end in less than a month which is why DH doesn't want to have a full on discussion and I get it but SOMETHING has to happen.
pear / 1717 posts
@psw27: Thanks love! UGH I would love to but her smartass would probably be like okay that's fine! And I really don't have someone for these last three weeks. This is so annoying
pear / 1717 posts
@pwnstar: Thank you 
YES! Isn't it mind blowing. Like we don't have to be best friends but we should have an open line of communication. When she acts like this it really makes me want to just cut her off and call it a day
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