Hellobee Boards

I think the biggest thing is to just love your DIL for who she is remembering that she is the one your son has chosen to spend his life with. My ILs have always accepted me from day one even though we are different in many ways. This means so much to me. I hope that I will show the same love and be that welcoming when my boy brings home a girlfriend. But please not for many many years!! Haha

My MIL is awesome. She's respectful, helpful....she's kind and she's funny. She is very respectful that we have our own lies. Shit, she came over last night to help with both kids because DH is on a business trip and she thanked ME for letting her come over! I think being like her would make anyone happy!

@blackbird: that sounds like my MIL

I think my MIL and I are so close because she never tried to force it. It happened so naturally before kids and she's been a huge resource after.

I think just like any relationship, it's all about respect and love and the approach you take being considerate of the other person first. I think that will go a long ways with any future DILs that I may have

My mom's been a great example of the MIL I want to be, caring without being overbearing being the key factor.

I've been thinking about this a lot. Even women who are usually calm sweet people I've seen get very offended when becoming grandparents. I feel like there needs to be a manual that says your kids might not parent like you do, don't take it personally and there's more than one way to successfully parent. And don't undermine them as parents even in subtle ways. Those are our biggest problems with both sides.

My MIL is awesome. She is very respectful of our schedules and relationship. She talks to me as if I'm her friend and never butts in. She does not tell me what to do or how to raise DD and always asks before doing anything that may be against the way we raise DD like buying her things for no reason at all.

Respect. From the very beginning. She may be just a gf today, but could be my granbabies mommy one day. I will give them freedom to live their lives the way they choose and not give my .99 cents just for kicks.

I think parents should want their children to live their own lives and not try to hinder it.

@MamaBehr: Boundaries is a HUGE thing, and knowing what is appropriate behavior. Its NOT a competition. Your son loves you in a completely different way than he will love his wife. My MIL doesn't exactly understand that. Everything is a competition with her, and she also is kind of immature so she hasn't come to terms with her age either. She tries to be seen as more of a "friend" than a nurturing mother.

This is definitely a perspective I have as an adult with adult parents, and not as an adult with an adult child, so things may change when my kids are adults.

But I personally think being a good in-law is very dependent on how well you are able to allow your children to be their own people as adults.

I think one of the biggest reasons I have a great MIL is because she has never imposed this idea on me that "her son is XYZ." She recognizes that as her sons (and she has three boys) became adults they were the ultimate authority on themselves and what they want (though it may not be what she wanted for them). Her relationship with her son is 100% separate from my relationship with my husband. While they're the same person, I think it helps to see things like this because who you are to your mom cannot really be the same as who you are to your wife and neither relationship could possibly be diminished by the other.

She is also very closed mouthed and tactful when it comes to criticism. If she thinks someone is making a mistake she frames it more like, "be careful doing XYZ" instead of being directly critical of what you're doing. But to be honest I've never really experienced that side personally so she could just not be comfortable being critical of her DILs.

I honestly have a better relationship with my MiL than I do with my own mother. So that's something to keep in mind about your boys - they may marry people with crap parents and be looking for a better mother figure. I was 17 when I met my MiL and am a way better person because of our relationship.

I think my mom (who only has daughters) would be a great MIL. She includes our spouses into the family as if they are her own kids but always defers to us as parents as to how we want to do things with our kids. No questions, no passive aggressive comments, etc and she really wants to be involved and will help when we need it. My MIL on the other hand is a shining example of what I do not want to be. Barely involved, cares more about gifts than spending time, refused to help us when I was pregnant and in the hospital sick and trying to take care of my 14 month old then reluctantly agreed to help and never showed or called. I think I will try to be involved with my kids as they have their own families but try really hard to respect their boundaries and to appreciate any DIL for who she is and how she makes my son happy. At least that is what would happen in an ideal world!

I like my MIL. Mostly she doesn't expect much of me lol. She and my husband have a good relationship but he is not great about keeping in touch. I was worried when we got married that I'd have to manage my family AND his family and that really hasn't been the case. She doesn't expect me to pick up the slack in communication or make him do things he didn't do before we were married. (I do of course send her regular pics and videos of LO, but she doesn't like, call me to chat). Also she never ever guilts us. My DH's step-mom is queen of guilt and it is so obnoxious. My husband is who he is and guilting him is not going to make him call more, it is just going to make him resent you.

The only thing I wish was different is I wish she came and saw LO a bit more. I know she lives far away but we do tell her all the time that she's welcome any time and its sort of a bummer that LO doesn't know her grandma very well.

My MIL cried tears of sadness when DH (her oldest son) and I got engaged. In fact, she was SO DOWN that her other son came and brought her flowers and a "thinking of you" card to make her feel better. She didn't come to our engagement party or our night-of celebration dinner and couldn't get out of her "slump" for a good 4-5 months.

I don't want to be anything like that. She made me feel so terrible and unwanted. Luckily, I only have girls. So I get to be a MIL to 3 SILs, and I think that's much easier.

I tend to be very adaptive to what other people need from me... So I would fill the gaps and find my place in their family. My biggest peeve with my MIL is that she's a flake and I feel like I can't count on her to follow through on anything which is a bummer because I love her dearly.

I sort of just went through this with my brother's GF (and soon to be fiancee). He and I are close, so when I met this girl I thought I would really like her and she was...underwhelming. Like, I couldn't figure out why but I just didn't click with her, she seemed boring, and I wondered what my brother saw in her. And over time, no matter how much time I spent with her, I just really didn't get a feel for her. So I was on the verge of just really disliking her.

What I realized one day while I was thinking about her was that it wasn't her. Like, she is a nice enough girl. Its just that she was a reflection of who HE was and where he was in his life emotionally and spiritually. And I guess I didn't want to accept. Basically, he wasn't who I wanted him to be and I was transferring my disappointment onto her. Once I realized that, I was able to accept her for who she was and try to respect my brother's choice in a mate. I still think he could do better - both in his own life and in his choice of mate - but ultimately, that's where he is and I can't do much but encourage them both as a unit to become better people.

I hope to be a fraction of my MIL. She is great. She is extremely respectful of boundaries but so helpful and supportive in every aspect without being overbearing. I don't know how she manages to be so selfless constantly. I admire her so much and strive to be as selfless as she is. She's taught me a lot about what it means to be a giving mother/wife/mother-in-law/grandmother but still manages to stand up for herself and make sure she isn't taken advantage of.

This sounds like this is forever and a lifetime away.

I'm hoping I'll be laid back. My MIL didn't get bad until we were engaged before that point she was like a second mother to me. Looking back she had certain standards for our wedding and didn't like my ideas. It has definitely soured our relationship but is on the mends. She even has changed or been mindful of our current relationship to make sure that it doesn't affect our relationship now that I'm pregnant. I'm not saying it was all her fault. There were definitely things I said and I regret but I think if she had been a bit more laid back things wouldn't have gotten as bad as they did.

I know several awful MILs, so this is what I want to be like someday when my two boys get married...let's see what I can come up with off the top of my head.

DO
- Treat them like adults/equals
- Call before coming over (no "Oh, our family doesn't do that!" because DILs family may be different than yours, and their needs/wants may change when babies come along)
- Respect their decisions
- Include your DIL in family things. My MIL is bad about this but seems to wonder why we aren't closer. Like, last week she had a girl's day with her niece and daughter and plastered it all over FB, but it obviously didn't occur to her to invite me. And she always wants pictures of DH and the boys without me in them. It's like I was just an incubator who doesn't matter now that the babies are here.

DON'T
- Get offended when their decisions are different than ones I would make
- Offer unsolicited advice (my MIL is the queen of this and will repeat herself over and over if you choose not to follow her advice)
- Try to be Santa or the Easter Bunny or any of that stuff.
- Show favoritism
- Be obsessive about firsts - my aunt always has to be the first to hear news and will get incredibly upset if someone else hears about seemingly mundane things about her kids before she does, my MIL always wants to be there for my kid's first zoo trip or parade or whatever and gets offended if we want it to be just our little family, etc.
- Pry. (No, MIL, I don't want to tell you what our interest rate on our home is and how much of a down payment we made. Also, please never again go to a house we're thinking about purchasing so that you can look in the windows and give your unsolicited opinion about it.)
- Blame any decision you don't like on your DIL. She and your son are a team. If you raised him to be a good DH they will make decisions and compromises together.

Oh, and while we're at it...one I have to remind myself of is maybe don't assume that it will be a DIL? I know it is automatically what I think of, but hey, they're just babies and toddlers. For all I know one of them could end up with a husband rather than a wife. But I hope I'll be close to my boys and their spouse. I had an ex whose mother was amazing and we got along great, I was very close to her. Sadly, she passed away a couple of years ago. And of course, my DH's mom is not so great. She wants to still be the boss even though her kids are grown.

@leighleigh: unfortunately, for me it has gotten worse since the kids were born! I used to not notice it because I don't expect her to treat me just like her kids, but it's bad. Last week DH's uncle (MIL's brother) was in town for the first time in years and she wanted a picture of him, DH, and our sons. He told me to get in the picture and she actually told him no! He didn't drop it and she was finally like, "Ok fine, I guess he really wants you in the picture." It was beyond rude. And it's not like an occasional thing - after this incident I started paying more attention and realized that I am in zero of the photo she took the last few holidays.

I try not to take it too personally because she acts the same way towards her daughter's husband., but sometimes it irks me. It certainly doesn't make us closer. Even little stuff...like you know the share a coke campaign? She has been searching and found coke bottles with her, her husband, and her kids/grandkids names. Posted a photo on FB with a caption about facing the whole family and when someone said, "What about DIL and SIL?" she was like oh yeah I saw those but didn't get them. Um...okay? Just weird stuff. I've asked DH to be better about speaking up when she exclude and from family pictures.