A couple months ago a girl I've known for 3 years or so told me I'm bridesmaid in her wedding coming up in October. I talk to her maaaaybe once a month and haven't seen her in 2 years. The wedding is 3hrs away, bachelorette party about 5hrs away. It's during harvest season so we're busy up here. The dress is over $200 and we have hospital bills from lo's birth and his 10 day stay plus we're adding onto the house so the funds really aren't there.
What would you do? Back out? Suck it up?
pomelo / 5220 posts
told you? Isn't it more like... she should ASK you? Seems pretty random! Would you be going to the wedding anyway? Will you know any of the other bridesmaids? Do you even know her fiance? Sorry, 100 questions!
I am kind of a wimp about these sort of things but it seems like something you are justified in bowing out of
pomelo / 5678 posts
Why would you back out? Sorry not totally clear. You should do it if you committed to it... even though secretly I feel weddings can sometimes be a pain!
honeydew / 7909 posts
@psw27: I wasn't asked. She said "you're a bridesmaid!" Never met her fiance. I don't know a single bridesmaid. I don't know anyone but her.
@Greentea: I never committed.
I was also told the bridesmaids can't wear heels and have to dk wear the same shoe (with long dresses).
cantaloupe / 6171 posts
ditto psw27--she told you rather than asking you? if you already committed to doing it, i'd feel horrible backing out, but if she informed you that you're a bridesmaid and then didn't give you a choice before heaping all these costs on you, that's different. it seems really weird that you've known her 3 years but haven't seen her in 2--would you even go to the wedding if you were just invited as a guest?
eta: just saw your update--I'd totally say something like "I am so happy and excited for you, but with bills from lo and the house, I really can't afford to commit to being a bridesmaid"
grapefruit / 4903 posts
It depends on what I want the future of the friendship to be. I think if I wanted to be close going forward, I'd suck it up. If it was someone I'd grown away from and was okay with that, I'd politely decline. Either way though, I'd make sure to express that I was touched to be included, excited for her, etc.
squash / 13208 posts
Yikes!
Since u haven't committed yet I would tell her thank you so much but I have to decline due to x y and z
cantaloupe / 6751 posts
@rattles: agree w/everything you said.
I think you should also go into this expecting the worst case scenario - that when you back out, your friendship will totally fizzle out. If you're OK w/that possibility, then I think you should (politely and kindly) decline.
pomelo / 5220 posts
Based on your update, and the fact that you never really committed, I would just go with what @nana87 said and decline.
$200 dress and matching shoes... plus all that driving... plus you don't even know the fiance or anyone else involved. oof. no thank you. This whole thing would be well over $1,000.
honeydew / 7909 posts
@nana87: we used to work together (for a year) and then she moved away. She came to my wedding (sans gift but that's okay). She's back in the area and hasn't visited lo (he's 2 months old). I just can't justify spending the money.
We're not super close, obviously. I'm not sure dh and I would've made the trip or not.
cantaloupe / 6059 posts
What an odd situation. It doesn't even sound like you're remotely close! In that case, I'd explain that it won't work out to be in her wedding for (insert reasons) but that you can't wait to see pictures and hear all about it! And then I'd send a gift so that she feels like you celebrated the day with her in some way.
honeydew / 7909 posts
@mrbee: I'm not sure, honestly. Either way it's going to cost quite a bit to go. And I guess I don't feel like we're close enough to justify spending the money. It'd be hard to get dh to go away for a weekend during the busiest time of year.
honeydew / 7909 posts
update:
I told the bride I'm not able to be in her wedding. She was very understanding and glad I was honest with her.
papaya / 10570 posts
@Ash: Great update! I'm so glad it worked out. What an awkward situation.
GOLD / wonderful coconut / 33402 posts
@Ash: glad that she understood. Still weird she told you and didn't ask you.
honeydew / 7909 posts
@Smurfette: I agree! It was extremely awkward. I thought there would've been an official 'asking' at some point but all that's she's done is show me the dress and tell me where to call my measurements in to and showed me a pic of the shoes. Oh, and that she gave my number to the moh to talk about showers.
@Cherrybee: @MapleMoose: I know! Phew. Thanks!
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