Hellobee Boards

haha I would probably never SAY that TTC was a bad idea unless someone asked me specifically what my opinion of their reproductive plans were... which I doubt would happen. But of course I ideally think that people should be responsible in trying to have kids, which to me means being in a stable relationship (or I guess if you're going the sperm bank/solo parent route, having a good plan/support system) and having the emotional and financial means to care for a child.

Oh God. Can of worms....I feel like so many people shouldn't reproduce. There's so much stupid in the world

@Mae: so true!!!

@littleblessings: This is literally my step-cousin. She just popped out her second kid with her second baby daddy, neither of them works, but don't worry they are going to start trying for #3 real soon.

Meanwhile, DH and I have been TTC #2 since summer. You know, two people with jobs and a house and really, really wanting a baby. Life is fair.

Whether or not that specific couple should have a kid is not for me to say.

However, I don't think going through a period of your life where you require some sort of assistance means you shouldn't have children. I mean, what type of assisfance? Most SNAP recipients are on for less than two years. TANF is temporary. Unemployment insurance is something a worker has paid into and is also not permanent. Disability insurance is for people who are disabled and can't work. So I don't really know what "living off the government" entails since most people who are receiving assistance are in a temporary place or disabled.

Obviously I think it's a good idea to be in a good financial position to support your kids. And I don't know this couple's situation, although it sounds like they have a rocky relationship. But I think it would be good to keep the poor-shaming/poor people shouldn't reproduce or have the family they want rhetoric off the boards.

In this situation I'll agree, it doesn't sound like a good idea. I'm hesitant to judge, however, because a few people said the same thing to me in the past.

Before I got pregnant, I was struggling to care for DH and keep up with my full time job. I wasn't making enough to support both of us with his medical bills and I was relying on financial help from family. Then we found out that the only way to get pregnant was for him to have surgery and for me to do IVF.

I'm 8 months pregnant now and things are better than ever. We own a house, I make ends meet, and our families and friends have been extremely generous with gifts for the baby. It's hard to judge unless you're in that person's shoes.

Obviously there are situations where TTC isn't ideal but I've been realizing lately that overanalyzing situations like that (and regarding other topics) which involve other people and their lives is totally unproductive because I can't change anything. I just have to do what's right for me and my situation.

I try not to judge. I mean a lot of people might say I shouldn't be having kids at my age. I do not think "living off the government" (whatever that means--SNAP? Medicaid?) is really a good threshold... And it's hard to accurately assess someone else's relationship.

But yeah, for myself I wouldn't TTC if I was financially unstable or in an emotionally uncertain relationship-- but apparently being in my 40's isn't enough to stop me

Probably wouldn't be my choice.
But we waited and waited for the right time to TTC (10+ years.. our careers, got married) and while I think it was right for us, what if it didn't work as planned? Or took 10 years longer? I'm a little sad that we probably won't have another because we're older. We were so sure we'd just want one, until we had him. Things can change.

@jedeve: I absolutely agree. A forum like this does not come close to representing the real world.

@lawbee11: This.

I do my best not to judge, but this is my cousin and his wife. They have bled my uncle dry claiming they can't keep their electricity on (but they still have cable and internet) The wife doesn't work (fired from Wal-Mart after 2 weeks) and the husband "sells windows" but isn't a very effective salesman. They keep talking about having a 3rd kid....it makes my blood boil because my uncle does everything for the 2 girls now, and they don't appreciate it nor do they understand what it does to him.

@jedeve: Thanks for saying this.

I think that it's easy to judge those on assistance if you've never been in the position. My family is on Medicaid at the moment, so I guess according to some I shouldn't have two kids. But if your employers don't offer insurance, it gets tough. The obvious answer is to purchase private health insurance. So we went to the healthcare.gov site, filled out all of the forms to see what options are available...and it told us that since we qualify for Medicaid based on income level, they won't give us any subsidies or options with other plans; we HAVE to take the Medicaid. And if your answer would be to just purchase private health insurance without going through healthcare.gov, either you have no idea how expensive it is to do that or you're loaded - those plans cost more than all of our other bills (including our mortgage!) put together, even for the highest deductible. In a couple of years I finish school and will get a job offering health insurance, but for now this is the situation we're in.

But I agree that if you can't meet basic needs, like if you're bouncing from place to place not being able to afford rent, or if you cant afford basic stuff like car seat/crib, TTC is not a great idea, I would hold off until I could get into a better situation financially. I also think TTC because your relationship is crappy and you want to fix it is a bad idea - and it never works. I just wouldn't want to purposely TTC if I'd be bringing the child into a bad situation.

@jedeve: applause!

@jedeve: As someone who works for a welfare office, I just want to sign on 100% to your comments.

@jedeve: Great answer. Thank you.

I think there's a difference between someone who is in a tough spot and using aid services as a temporary measure, than someone who has no intention of getting off it. I'm sure the system works differently between USA and Aus, though we have our own national health care public system too.

Is it hard to see people in less than ideal situations choosing to have kids? Yes. Does my own fertility play into that reasoning? Absolutely. But life isn't fair, so ... I guess it is what it is. I do feel for the kids in these scenarios, though.

@jaguar: @mrscobee: agreed. I think it just depends on the situation. I know some people who need(ed) help for a little while and some who are pretty open about not having plans to ever be self sufficient.

It also makes a difference to me how old the potential parents are (are they going to lose the chance to be parents if they wait too much longer?) and what # baby they are on (particularly #3+.)

@looch: I always appreciate your responses!