We JUST had our second daughter on Saturday. She has already brought so much joy and love to our lives. I know for sure that I want one more baby to complete our family. My DH says absolutely not due to our age (I’m 39, he’s 40) and finances. He didn’t think he wanted a 2nd either, but here we are and he’s very happy that we did. Do you think I should push the issue or just let things happen if they happen? I’m not planning on going on birth control. But, I’ll breastfeed as long as baby wants to, so probably won’t ovulate for a year or so anyway. I didn’t ovulate with my first until 18 months. We did have to use fertility drugs and IUI for both girls. So, I’m just thinking if it happens naturally, it was meant to be. Anyway, is anyone else in the same situation? Or have you been there in the past?
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DH and I disagreed over having a second. His reasons were that he didn't want to risk the possibility that a second child would have health issues and that we were financially in a good place and happy with the one. I just always envisioned we'd have a second (and it was our original plan). There was no way I was going to have a second if he wasn't completely on board, however. It took us 6 months of discussions about the subject and having to table the issue for months at a time before we agreed to go for a second. I wouldn't force him if I were you, continue to keep the option on the table and have discussions but in the end it needs to be something you both agree to. That was the really hard part for me to wrap my head around, there was no compromise, someone was going to "lose."
But also, you literally just had a baby. Some cool down time to see how you function as a family of four would probably be beneficial for both of you to truly know what you want for your family in the future. And you say that he's very happy you had a second, but realistically, neither of you really knows how having two children is going to change your day to day yet.
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I agree with @kiddosc . It took us a while to function well as a family of 4. I think the kids were okay but after my son's birth, my husband and I went through a rough patch bc our expectations of parenting two were different than one. But after a while, we hit our groove and we decided that we did want to expand our family but we did not want to spend time, money, and energy of fertility drugs and IUI's (that we did with our second). If it happened, it happened naturally and was meant to be. If it didn't, we would be satisfied with our current size. But it was a mutual decision that we made together after the haze and adjustment of our 2nd child.
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We have 2 together, and a 15 year old as well.
DH very much wants to be done (age, financially, health risks, what if's, one boy, one girl and we're not outnumbered), I would like another (would love a big family)DD is 1 year old and I would want to time a 3rd so that DS (3) will be in school, so I have tabled any discussions on it until this winter, while basically trying to convince myself that I could be done with 2.
Honestly as time goes I'm more open to the idea. 2 is a ton of work and I have crazy days with them so it's hard to imagine what it would be like with one more. We can cuddle on the couch, and we each have one toddler and no one is left out. We do have one of each which is perfect. Find reasons for yourself where you'd be happy with 2.At the same time I've told DH that if he's sure he's done that BC will be up to him. He's honestly pretty bad about it so if we have an oops I'll be happy.
For you, set an end-date, where you either discuss it with finality or you decide you need to be pregnant by that date. In the interim try to picture your life with the two you have, to be open to the idea of being done, so if it does go that way you're not heart broken.
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I knew the day that my son (our second) was born that my heart wanted another, but there was no way my dh was ready then. We started talking when he was about 18m and trying right before he turned 2. Lots of hard conversations. I did get pregnant, lost it at 11w, and it took many more months to get pregnant again. Even though my dh convinced me to keep trying at the end of that period, now that I’m pregnant with #3 again he’s still freaking out about it. I had actually finally made peace with just 2 when we finally got that last bfp. We had also used some interventions on the first two and said we wouldn’t for #3 and it overall took longer. Age makes it a hard call ... And I agree you need to see how things go. I love our son to pieces but he is SO different from our first in so many ways.
I also think you need to think about how you will deal with it if ttc is long and drawn out or never comes to anything. I think it’s a lot easier said than done and losses are likelier as you get older in addition to just not seeing the bfp. I took our 11w loss and the subsequent months of bfn after bfn pretty hard. I’m sure we’ll be happy to have #3 but it’s not as uncomplicated as I’d like it to be.
Sorry so rambly! Congrats on your new baby!
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The day after my second was born, I knew I wanted one more even though we had always planned on only having two. My husband was not on board. Since baby was only one day old, I let it go for a while. Eventually we talked about it and my husbands biggest fear was if we had more miscarriages (we had already had 3) or if the third baby came with major medical problems (both of my boys had VERY scary deliveries). In the end we decided to try and we have had two more losses (a miscarriage and an ectopic). Right now, I'm not quite sure were we are at on trying more. For now we have to wait (due to methotrexate).
I would say, let a few months pass. You just had a baby! Enjoy the baby and recover. Then talk about it. Make sure to ask what specific hesitations he has and discus those in depth.
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I would definitely give it some time! Your hormones and emotions are both crazy right now, so I don’t think you can accurately assess your own feelings at this point. And I agree, wait and see what life is like with two, see how you handle it, see how you settle in. The moment my second was born, even though we were pretty sure two was it for us, I just KNEW we had to have another squsihy little angel. Fast forward four months and I realize that I love my two and love what we have and I can’t imagine upending it all for a third.
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I think 4 days after having a baby is not the right time to think about, worry about, or discuss this. Let a few months pass, adjust to your baby, and wait until you are both more clear headed. I tend to lean much more logical than most HBer's seem to on this topic, but to me his concrete reasons of age and finances outweigh a feeling of wanting more. I'm also a big believer that you should never have more children to appease your partner so a couple should only have more kids when both parties are 100% on board and want another baby. 6 months down the road, one or both of you may totally change your mind. The one thing I wouldn't do is decide on your own that if you get pregnant naturally it was "meant to be" if he's not on board with that plan of action. I breastfed both my kids exclusively for 14 months but with my second I was ovulating by 5 months pp so I wouldn't count on 18 months of natural BC.
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I say take some time to feel how it is as a family of 4 first. We were like others. Our first was a first try baby, second took about 1.5 years, and we decided if it happened soon then great, if it didn't then ok. Well, somehow I ended up pregnant on the first month again and now we have 3. But really take some time to know what it's like to have 2 before committing and possibly arguing over a 3rd. There are a lot of things that will be changing in the coming months. I loooooved it and that's why #3 is here- I hope you do too!
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@josina: I literally have not slept for a week due to DD2 teething/sick than me being sick. I was telling DH that currently I am 2 and through hahaha. All logic and reasoning points to 2 for us too and I know and believe that I can be very happy with my 2 girls but sometimes I can't shake off a 3rd in my head! I too, am just completely tabling it until this fall at least... I want to be done giving birth by 35 tho (which is Nov '19) that's my personal deadline.
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Completely agree with @Truth Bombs: My husband would not be able to even discuss another child for several months at least! Enjoy your new baby and try not to worry about the future right now!
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Congratulations on #2! That's so exciting and I totally get feeling like you want a third already. But I agree with previous posters that I would just table that discussion with your husband for a while and save for chats with your girlfriends. I would absolutely take that approach of just letting it happen naturally unless you get to an age where you feel definitively done.
ETA: Yes to the above caution about not fully relying on a no birth control plan of action if you and your husband aren't both on board for a third. I did IVF after years of trying for my first and then opps, got pregnant "naturally" 12 months after IVF baby was born while still fully nursing and pumping all day and night. So umm.. yea.. be careful.
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@Truth Bombs: Cosigned on all counts, particularly the birth control. Also, as the person who doesn't want a 3rd (my husband would have as many as I was willing to birth), I would have some major resentment if we got pregnant accidentally and I felt like my husband hadn't respected my wishes.
I would table the discussion and focus on your new baby. I would also get birth control or at least make sure your husband is fully aware that your only protection is nursing.
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My husband and I were always planning on two children. After we had our first, he really struggled with how our lives had changed and waffled about whether he wanted to go through having a second or not. We ultimately decided to stick to the plan, even though our hearts weren't 100% in it at the time (we knew we'd regret it later if we let how we were feeling in the now affect our family plans).
After #2 was born, I IMMEDIATELY felt like I wanted more. I wanted at least three. I couldn't imagine only having two kids. I wanted a big family. I wanted my kids to have multiple siblings. I wanted MORE. But my husband was 100000% done. He couldn't believe I even brought the subject up, he was so completely done. He barely got on board for #2, and now I wanted MORE? He thought I was insane!
My youngest is now 3 and our family is absolutely complete! I don't regret at all that we stopped at two and stuck to our original plan. Now I'm excited for this new stage that we are in - my youngest is (mostly) potty trained and my two are into all the same things. We can go on vacations that everyone enjoys. We can all fit in one hotel room. We can all fit into one car. No one has to share a bedroom.
Don't let your postpartum feelings drive you to crazy thinking. Allow yourself to be open to the possibility of being done and wait. If, in six months, you still feel this way, then definitely talk to your husband some more. But I agree with @Truth Bombs: You both need to be 100% on board and excited if you decide to go for more - definitely don't leave anything up to chance.
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@CatchAFallingStar: i think it's still very early so i wouldn't push the issue yet. I would wait til your new baby is atleast out of the newborn phase
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I would definitely take time to enjoy the baby. Going from one to two is a HUGE transition. I have gone back and forth about how many I want so many times, and a regret of mine is not enjoying and savoring DD2 in her baby stage as though she were my last. While we’re pretty sure we are going to have 3, what if we decide not to? Or what if we want another and can’t get pregnant? While it’s hard not to think about it (it took me 18 months), try to just enjoy life in the moment for now.
I am sorry if the following sounds harsh but: is your husband on board with you not using any form of BC (even just pull and pray) and counting on not ovulating? Because to be honest it sounds like in your super hormonal and sleep deprived state you’re thinking about pulling a goalie. Think about what that would mean for your marriage. IMO if you don’t want to be on BC/LARC (I can’t do either) or use condoms that’s well and good, but then you are responsible for knowing when you are fertile and either not having sex or being super careful during those days. I got my period at 11 months postpartum with DD1 and TWO months postpartum with DD2. I was majorly shocked and honestly pissed that I had to deal with it again, but also breastfeeding isn’t birth control. We all know people who have gotten pregnant while breastfeeding before getting their period back.
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It took us 5 years to get my husband on board. I'm 40, he's 44 and we are TTC. He finally realized how awesome life is with 1, it has to be better with 2. We also had a situation change so there will be no need for daycare or after/before care, which takes a huge load off of us. I wouldn't pester him, but just see how he acts around the kids and then try to put a positive spin on that as much as possible.
I'm saying you have a shot. If my husband changed his mind ANYONE could. Hahaha...ugh.
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@mediagirl:
what a change and how exciting for you guys!!!
We only had a difference of opinion for a few weeks on #3 but I was devastated. But I also realized that there was no way I could bring another child into our family without DH being
So I agree with the above posters to sit and enjoy your fresh babe and after the newborn/family of 4 fog begins to lift, then you can revisit the topic. Congrats on the fresh babe!!
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Yeah, we've had this disagreement. It's funny, because we've always been on the same page about wanting a big family - but once we actually experienced parenting with no support system, DH was a lot more freaked out by the experience than I was. Fair enough, because he had a ton of problems at work at the time, was sick all the time from day care germs, and cannot handle lack of sleep. He did change his mind eventually, but it took a long time.
And, well, once you have two kids, you're not going to be carefree and able to live the DINK life for years to come... two kids, three kids, it's not a big difference because you've signed up for the long haul anyway
I'm the one who's scared to consider doing this again, now. DD is an intense kid, and I worry how she'd deal with a baby taking attention away from her. I don't think she was anywhere near ready to be a big sister until recently. She's finally showing flashes of being reasonable - not losing her mind if she can't wear something, letting me leave the bedroom before she's asleep, that sort of thing.
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I mean, the spouse who doesn't want the kid has the final say. If he's done, you're done.
And I would be very sure to be on the same page about the birth control issue.
Life with 2 is hard. Personally, I would give it a year.
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Thanks everyone! Just to clarify- this isn’t something I’ve only been thinking about since baby was born. We have been discussing it for a long time. We haven’t talked about t since baby was born and of course, I don’t plan to. I just want it to be an option in the future. I guess I just don’t want to totally close the door on the possibility. I would never make such a decision 4 days after the birth of a baby. Haha. I think I came across wrong when I wrote my original post. I think I’m so deliriously in love with my newborn right now that it has just heightened my desire for one more. I’m sure there will be many days when I feel like 2 is plenty or too many and I might even completely change my mind. But, in my current state, I feel like I’m just not done having babies. I suppose only time will tell. And don’t worry, I’m not going to trick my husband into it or anything.
He will know what form of birth control we’re using. We will be on the same page. I’m just hoping he hops over to mine.
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@CatchAFallingStar: I'm 100% there with you for in all ways except age. So, you're not crazy
or.... we're both crazy, haha.The newborn and infant stage gives me baby fever and the toddler stage gives my husband baby fever. And, the exact opposite.... toddlers make me a lil exhausted and infants exhaust my husband. Last time, we reached a nice stage of agreement between 10-14 months, and then got pregnant when trying at 15 months (with the help of meds).
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@DesertDreams88: That's so funny. When I was pregnant with my son I thought I would love having a cuddly little baby but that a toddler would drive me nuts. Turns out the baby totally drained me and I loved parenting once my son started to talk.
@CatchAFallingStar: I agree with everyone else. Let your family settle in with the new baby for a few months, and then resume this discussion. Try to accept that you need to take this one step at a time even though I understand how frustrating it probably is when you want an answer now.
My husband wanted one but was open to two. I really wanted two. We are older parents so this second pregnancy was hard won (two years, some work with an RE, and two more miscarriages). And it turned out to be twins. Neither of us planned on three kids so now we are in full *mind blown* mode trying to wrap our heads around this. I am definitely excited but also kind of terrified considering how I feel about the infant stage, not to mention the uncertain path of a high risk pregnancy. And this is secondary but there is also material impact on our family financial plan and logistics that needs to be addressed.
So, you know, it's life. As the RS say, "You can't always get what you. But if you try some times you just might find you get what you need."
Congrats on your new squish! And good luck sorting this out.
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@birdofafeather: I know, it's crazy. We're hopeful. Thank you.
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I was like you and pretty much knew immediately after my 2nd that I wanted a 3rd. And I was sure if it. When you know, you just know. But not everyone is like that. Give your husband some time to settle into having two. Then keep communication open about it!
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@snowjewelz: Sounds like we're in the same boat.
I would like to be done by 36, so baby in late 2019/early 2020 at the latest. Makes me wish we had started sooner so we could space out more, but alas.
These 2 LO's are great though so that helps when picturing being done. -
@josina: I don't even know where my want for a 3rd came from! I only wanted 2 and I wanted 2 girls so I have NO clue why I started wanting a 3rd~ I'm pretty sure we won't; I just need the baby fever to die down!
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@snowjewelz: Girl, I've thought that you would have another for over a year. You should totally give in to it.
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@babypugs: hahaha say whaaaat?!
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@CatchAFallingStar: I totally get you. Even though my husband is 1000% against having more, I still couldn't close the door permanently - I'm on birth control now, but as my youngest gets older, I get closer and closer to being willing to make things permanent! But for now, the door still isn't closed even though I know we're not having more, haha.
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@snowjewelz: Haha, I just feel it!
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I definitely wouldn't try to get pregnant if my partner wasn't 100% on board. It's a lifelong commitment and not fair to the other person. You just had the baby, take some time to enjoy this new one!
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@Adira: I feel like you! Like I'm pretty sure we won't actually have another one, but it feels better to just be like well let's see, haha! We were never going to do anything permanent anyway... I eventually gotta get back on BCP too
@babypugs: Hey who knows... I always said I was also opened to adoption! Or maybe a 3rd child in the form of a dog (our dog now is like 12-13)
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Your baby is so little! Let your family settle into being a family of 4 before you push the issue.
We have two kids and DH would love to be done. I really want a third. So we are compromising and having a third
. BUT he isn't against it, he is just happy with what we already have and babies are a lot of work.
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@Truth Bombs: yes this exactly. And as far as the breastfeeding as ovulation control...my friend is currently pregnant with her third. Not planned. She wasn’t super thrilled. She was 6 months postpartum with her second when it happened and after her first she didn’t ovulate for 14 months. So I know she’s not you, but I 100% wouldn’t rely on that thinking. And a surprise pregnancy that your DH is not on board with for those reasons, which are totally legit reason, might drive a huge stake into your marriage. Tread lightly.
Let the dust settle a bit -
I think the pp posters have fully covered the wait it out and see how life with 2 kids goes for you before you start talking about #3.
Also, with my son I pp bled for 2 weeks, had 2 weeks off, then started my period by 5 weeks pp; I was also exclusively breastfeeding.
He will know what form of birth control we’re using. We will be on the same page. I’m just hoping he hops over to mine.
. BUT he isn't against it, he is just happy with what we already have and babies are a lot of work.
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