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I think it would be a deal breaker for me. I always wanted children, but I think I would have at least discussed the topic briefly before getting engaged!
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Good for your friend to move on now. I was friends with a girl whose mom didn't want children, but appeased her husband. My friend never felt love from her mom.
That would have been a deal breaker. Not only did I want my husband to want kids I wanted him to really look forward to being a parent.
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For me it really wouldn't have mattered. My DH made it clear that kids were important to him, I was always indifferent, at this point I want him to be happy, and us to be happy as a couple. I love him more than anything, so if it's important to him, it's important to me.
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No- but we wouldn't have gone past Date 3 if I had found out he didn't want kids. I don't understand people not having this conversation before they get engaged- that's just crazy to me.
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IMO, this topic usually comes up early-ish in a relationship, at least it always has for me.
It would have been hard, but if my DH had told me he didn't want kids before we got married, I would have left him.
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Deal breaker, I remember before we moved in together having the big talk about how the next step after this is marriage and kids or no go. Luckily he was down for both:)
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It would have been a deal breaker for me - I've always wanted kids, so it's nothing something I could have negotiated on. It would be very sad to learn something like that *after* you'd already fallen in love with someone though
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Deal breaker, it would have ended as soon as the topic had come up if he didn't want kids. Luckily it was a non-negotiable for both of us.
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Absolutely! DH is the most important thing in the world to me and always will be. I would have happily spent the rest of my life childless if that's what he wanted - I know this is true because he actually didn't want kids when we first got married!
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no. this was a deal breaker for me. which is why we just had such a tough time in our marriage when he decided he was one and done, and we had "agreed" on 2-4!
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I don't know. DH and I have been together since we were 15 and didn't talk about kids until we were probably 20 (because the answer before that would have been "no way! we are only 16!").
I honestly don't think I could have given him up if he said no to kids.
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I have always wanted kids so for me that would be a deal breaker
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Nope, it would've been a deal breaker for both of us.
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Yes, and actually I had a boyfriend pre-DH that I was very much in love with & this was our dealbreaker. He had a daughter he had in high school and he did not want any more children, and I was not willing to give up the chance of being a mother.
It was actually one of the first "serious" conversations I had with DH whe we were dating, I didn't want to invest several months/years only to have the same heartache again. Luckily we were on the same page and the rest is history!
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No. My husband and I knew early on that kids were both not optional for us. I wouldn't have partnered with him otherwise.
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It was a deal breaker for both my husband and I. We actually just had this happen to a friend and so we discussed it.
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Absolutely. I was on the fence whether I wanted them myself. Now we're having one, and that'll be it. But I could see us child-free, too. The relationship I have with my husband is so valuable to me, with or without kids.
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@dookie32: My friend's ex-fiancee told her he wanted to have kids for years! He said he was now 1000% sure he didn't want kids anymore. I feel so bad for my friend. She's 40 years old so (in her words) she feels that this is her last chance at love. I guess she's just a bit down right now. She just told me yesterday that she's considering going back to him and forgoing kids because of her age. =(
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Tough question but I think I would have still married him.
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Well, not exactly... my DH was pretty jaded when I met him and said he didn't want kids but he was open to it. So, we were married 2 years before I even brought it up. Now he's an awesome dad and he absolutely loves it. So, people can change.
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I married my husband knowing there is a possibility that we won't have kids. He makes me happy and I love him with all my heart. I'll be fine if we don't have any children.
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Hmmm... I think that may have been a deal breaker for me, as well. I can't say that I'm 100% sure that I would have walked away after that but I cannot imagine myself without my two boys. I would be heartbroken, though, as my husband is truly the one and only love of my life.
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This is a deal breaker for me too. But I'm suprised your friend got to being engaged before finding this out. This is like a third date question for me.
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@Raindrop: She actually mentioned it to him early on (like the 1st date!) and he said at the time that he definitely wanted kids. But now, a year later, he says "no way". UGH.
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I would have been a deal breaker. But, I brought it up early so I don't think I would have gotten far enough into the relationship before finding out that it would have hurt that bad. It is super important to both of us and I know he would have done the same.
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Honestly, no. That would be a deal breaker for me too. If we COULDN'T have kids, it would be different. Sucks for your friend but at least she found out before. I had a friend whose DH changed his mind AFTER they'd been married a few years.
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Probably not - that is a non-negotiable for me. I feel so bad for your friend that she didn't find that out until after they got engaged! He should've brought it up much much sooner.
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@shopaholic: That's horrible! I feel sorry for your friend.:( Yes, I'm really glad that she found out before because at least she can now move on with her life. Although she keeps wanting to get back with him because she misses him.
@Mrs. High Heels: I agree! He should've brought it up earlier, that jerk! He says he JUST realized he didn't want kids but I just can't believe that he would go from 100% wanting kids to 100% not wanting kids overnight. I don't know...
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@banana: Wow really!? Sorry to say that would so annoy me!! BUT.. Maybe he will change his mind again? *crosses fingers*
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No, that would be a deal breaker for me.
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@Raindrop: That's what she's secretly hoping for too. But now she says she won't believe him even if he says he wants kids again! GAH! He broke her trust with that one.
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It would have been a deal breaker for me. I think wanting kids is part of a personality/character that is important to me.
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So interesting to hear everyone's answers. @banana: I hope your friend figures it out, so frustrating! I hate when my DH changes his mind about dinner, haha, so that's A LOT.
I was thinking about my answer more and I think it would be a dealbreaker. If he said up front definitely no kids I may have dated him a bit more but then if he didn't budge, it would've been over. If he was "meh" I would have kept dating him but when we got engaged or discussed engagement, I would make sure he knew it was non-negotiable for me and if he didn't come around, then probably it would end.
I had a boyfriend in college who said if he didn't have "the money" to have kids he wouldn't, and that he would wait til he did. (No idea what the proper "money" is, meaning no debt, or what?) I asked him "what if you never have "the money" to have kids, will you not" and he said yeah he wouldn't then, and that really cooled our relationship. I just couldn't imagine being like "well I have a little too much debt so let's not have kids." Financial circumstances change so often... and the window of time to have children is small... it's worth it to me! (Although there is some value to being smart, like how we waited for DH to finish school, etc)
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It would be a dealbreaker for me. Kids are just a must! I was lucky that even though I married a man who was much older and already had kids that he really wanted more!
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I still would have married him. No question. I can't imagine my life without DH. I'm sure I would have moments of sadness but I'd get over it. It would allow us a lifestyle of travel and leisure. I love DS with all my heart and am so happy to be a mom soon. Still, I'd be able to adjust if we chose a different life path.
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Your poor friend, but I am glad she found out now!
It would have been a deal breaker for the both of us.
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@banana: DANG! That's so sad..
Before I married DH, we talked about kids and he wasn't sure he wanted biological children. I've always wanted to have babies, but I also knew that just because I wanted biological kids didn't mean I would be able to have them.
I knew DH was the one for me so the fact that he didn't want kids didn't sway my decision to marry him. -
I'm not sure. I'd like to think I would have, because now I absolutely can't imagine my life without him in it, but if I had found out very early on that he never wanted kids, I probably wouldn't have continued to pursue the relationship.
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Yes.
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Children would be a dealbreaker for me. DH and I have always been on the same page about children though. Children are something that is extremely important to me and as it turns out extremely important to DH.
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