So I've actually been having a problem with my MIL since DD/Baby #1 was born. Baby #2/DS was just born a month ago. Her attitude sucks and she's obsessed with my children. I think it's because my daughter is the girl she never had. Acts as if my girl is hers. She steals them from others and tortures them! Just yesterday she kept kissing my DD and my DD hated it. She kept making a face a pushing her away but my MIL kept doing it. She also chases her for kisses and hugs but not in a fun way; always interrupting her playing nice and independently. She also picks her up when she doesn't need to be. Then when I try to talk to my MIL about this she says I'm very particular and I want everything just so. She thinks I'm a snob. I tell her I am the mother and she's like well I'm the grandmother. More and more I think she was a horrible mother, the way she coddles my children and my 37 year old brother in law who still lives at home! She thinks it's ok to do what she wants and never ask me anything! I hate her attitude. She's also got a memory problem. She's asked me how I like my new stove three times. My husband says that's normal for her age but I thinks it's more than that. Lastly my daughter calls my MIL Grammy like a Grammy award. My MIL says grahammie and I keep correcting her but she never listens (to this or anything else) and keeps saying grahammie. Drives me bonkers! Just say it right. How hard is it? So any ideas or suggestions?
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Sorry. Sounds familiar. I have a therapist. How often do you see MIL? How does your husband feel about all this?
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It varies when we see each other but sometimes it's more than once a week; other times once every other week. Then she complains that my family sees the kids more saying things like "it must be nice that they got to see Nanny" referring to my grandmother. When they come to our house they always have to be entertained and over stay thier welcome. I have a therapist too but couldn't see her last year since my insurance only covered it after I met my deductible. And baby is still too young yet to go this year if my new insurance is better. Also wish I could talk to friends about it but none have the problems I do. One doesn't even have a MIL.
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ugh sorry!
What does your DH say about it all? I think he needs to talk to her and tell her to back off
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i would definitely talk to your dh. maybe identify one or two things that you would like to address rather than a big long list. for example i would address the unwanted hugs and kisses and ignore the fact that she asks you the same questions repeatedly. its annoying, i am sure, but not on the same level as the other issue.
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@Lilmrsm: I think this a two way street. Your MIL needs to respect your wishes about your kids care, and not be rude to you. Your husband needs to step up and communicate that to his mother. But you could probably afford to let some things go like the pronunciation of Grammy.
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@Lilmrsm: Um it sounds like we have the same MIL. Mine is a bit more passive aggressive though. But the smothering and forced affection is all the time and it's frustrating. I also see her weekly (I just posted about this last week) and she complains behind my back that it's not enough. My parents live out of state and see my son way less (once every 2-3 months) and she still gets jealous and wants to crash their visits.
Anyway, I don't address the smothering with her. That is something I don't have the balls to do but I do tell my husband and he agrees. But doesn't have the balls either
Sometimes my FIL will tell her to chill out a little.
As for the visits, my MIl was always wanting to see him and asking every other day if she could come and I was always being the bad guy saying no. So finally at the advice of a seasoned veteran mom friend I chose one day a week and said that's her day. 1) it cut down on the asking for visits all the time because she knows when she'll see him again. Once every couple months they ask to see him for a special occasion or if they will be in the city for some other reason (they live 1.5 hours or so away in the suburbs). It's been way more manageable though and I feel zero guilt saying no to any additional visits.
It also helps me because I sah and now I have one day a week where I know I have some time to myself. Doc appts and errands and mani or hair appt. Its nice. Do I wish I didn't have to see her every week and would I give up that time to myself? Absolutely. But I'm making the best of it. When she's in my house, I am not. That helps tremendously.
Fortunately she's respectful of my actual rules around naps and food and stuff. So it could be way worse. But for example today she just let herself into my apt (I forgot I left the door unlocked after taking out garbage last night) and she was literally perched by the front door waiting for us after school and scared the shit out of me. She thought that I had left it open for her. But call me crazy, unless someone tells me to let myself in, I'm not going into their home even if the door is unlocked.
Mine also repeats OR she forgets that my husband hates certain things and she still buys or makes it every. Damn. Time. Then says she forgot or acts stunned that he hates it. It's like every few months. Might be age or sometimes I think she's being stubborn and thinks he should like it.So, yeah. Long rambling post to say I feel your pain and maybe give a little bit of advice though it sounds like yours might be more aggressive and maybe lives closer. You have my sympathies.
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If your DH won't address the issue--or if he has to no avail--I would absolutely be direct with your MIL in the moment and do on the spot corrections to stop her behavior. I do my best not to be rude, but with my family, I am very direct regarding behavior that I don't like and put a stop to it immediately, and if the behavior is continued, then the visit is over and it's time for people to leave. The bottom line is if you can't respect me when it comes to my kids, then you don't get access to my kids. I don't do this over every little thing, but for things like unwanted physical contact I would absolutely draw a line in the sand. And then stand your ground.
The result is people know I am not messing around. I do try not to hurt feelings, but at the end of the day it is my job to advocate for my kids and if I have to be direct to get it done so be it. Also, and importantly, it keeps me from feeling like a victim/powerless, and in so doing, I feel like I can let other minor things go . . . otherwise, it just becomes a total BEC situation and everybody loses.
It is SO HARD to do, especially the first couple of times, but it does get easier after that. And it's empowering for you to find your voice and to be assertive.
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I don't really have any advice, but your MIL sounds like she belongs on https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/ You might get some ideas from there, but at least you'll get some laughs
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My mom drives me crazy in similar ways. I have not found it useful in any way to address the issues directly. Any time I say anything the drama just increases along with my misery.
I overlook pretty much everything that's not a life or death situation. And limit the amount of time I spend with her.
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I wouldn't send your MIL an article about forced affection/ respecting children's bodies, but I would have a very clear discussion on the topic. There is an article about it, but much more on the internet that was posted last Friday on the "Round Up." Then, when you see it happening you or your husband need to intervene every time.
My dad is in his late 60s and repeat the same stories and jokes over and over. My dad finally caught on when we stopped laughing or ignored him. I'm not sure if it's something he did intentional, but our response improves the Groundhog Day conversations.
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I'm in a similar boat but thankfully we live pretty far away and only see them a few times a year. My mil is really intense and my daughter doesn't do intense, she basically avoids mil like the plague and mil can't take a hint.
The thing that really resonated was the memory stuff though, my husband doesn't believe me and thinks I'm being too hard on her but there's genuinely something up there. Last year she left the oven open and on twice while we were there and the front door wide open "for fresh air" despite the fact that we had a 1 year old and my bil had a new puppy there. I'm terrified she's going to leave the door open to the pool while we are on vacation at a house with a pool.
I wish I had some great ideas for you but I haven't been able to stand up to her yet and my husband thinks there are just personality traits and we have to suck it up. I have had some success with minor things by explaining that I have a specific reason for doing things the way I do, she's a nurse so I appeal to that side of her and explain that current research suggests that X is the best course of action. She's usually pretty respectful of that.
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Oh my goodness this is so my mom but in so many other ways it is really driven a wedge between us I actually don't talk to her as much because I can't stand her unwanted advice and how she reprimands everything I do as a parent
Being that it is my mom I've spoken to her many times but she just tells me that I'm crazy a good example is my 12 week old is sick with a respiratory infection now and she keeps insisting that I give him water to help him stay hydrated I've told her a million times if they don't give water to infants anymore she keeps insisting because that's what they did with me and my sisters and actually came home from the hospital with bottles of water I just politely say well they don't recommend it anymore and then she laughs and says haha probably why he's sick again
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I feel you so much on this issue. My MIL is also super overbearing when she sees my daughter (14 months). Constantly in her face, her her space, and interrupting her. It's so annoying. Like, relax and let her be! We see her about every 2 weeks. The last time she was here, my daughter and I were walking down the stairs and she plants herself at the bottom with her arms out wanting a hug immediately which DD dodges and ignores. DD needs to warm up to a situation and we've told MIL repeatedly to let her be and not charge her the minute she sees her. If DD is playing she calls her name and keeps interrupting her, has to have all the attention. She tries to get hugs/kisses from DD when they leave and DD doesn't want them and pulls back and she still tries. I try not to say anything about how annoying she is about calling DD's name all the time, etc. and just tell myself it's one 1 hour visit every two weeks but I do not hold back and tell her to back off on the physical stuff as I want DD's boundaries respected. Whereas when my mom visits and only sees her every 2-3 months, you can tell she is dying to hug and kiss DD, but she sits and waits for DD to come to her to play/cuddle. It's such a difference.
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@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: @pwnstar: We don't force our daughter to give hugs and kisses either and it drives my ILs bonkers. They can ask once for a hug/kiss and if she refuses I will defend her. She does not need to be pestered about touching people. I also taught her to say "I want to be alone" instead of screaming when she needs some space. They think that is super rude, but adults get to choose their alone time and I think my kid deserves that as well.
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