Hellobee Boards

Hello everyone.
In my introduction, you said you didn't mind long stories, so here I plan to put the entirety of mine. I don't believe in too much information (TMI), so be forewarned now if you're squeamish- I talk about menstruation details in here. Also, I wasn't kidding when I said I was long-winded... you folks seem so friendly and supportive, I'd really like to get it all out in one place.

Ok! So a little more background since I'm new here. I'm 29, my husband just turned 27. We met and celebrated 15th and 18th birthdays together, and finally got married after 6 years in 2008. We have no children yet. We have a Beagle Grunt.
We are not trying to conceive, but I'd say we aren't truly preventing either. 3 years ago we left Florida to try other states where we had friends. I had been on birth control pills which I got for free, but that was not an option after moving, so we switched to condoms.

Since moving back home, though, we've been strained financially. I was a school bus driver and don't work during the summers, but we had a lease until October with our friend. We went ahead and moved, but were still paying our half of rent. My Beetle broke also. With me not having and income, things got strained. We just made the last rent payment, so there is light at the end of that tunnel. We ran out of condoms a few months ago, and have not purchased more, we just went to the pull-out method.

* * *

So, we moved back home the minute school ended, and saw the 1st of June with Grandad in his house again.

I can't recall why, but I started noting spotting and when periods started. I think it was because I figured I'd just been lucky thus far not to have had a bloody "I'm Here!" accident. My period will forewarn me with spotting, then disappear for a day or so, then I will officially start with heavy bleeding. I'll bleed heavily for a day or two, then it lessens over two days and stops. About four days of bleeding, but if you count the spotting the whole thing lasts a week. I very much enjoy this change since abandoning birth control! Short and sweet, no cramps, done. KKTHXBYE and on with another month.

We celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary August 8th, which was also the day I stopped an attempt at ketogenic diet. We'd been on and off for a year maybe, and I'd wanted to see how doable it was while with grandad. Not much.

On keto you eat so little carbohydrates that your body swaps to a ketogenic state. Instead of burning carbs and sugars for fuel, it has none of that to work with, so it processes fat for energy. This diet was developed for helping epileptics since it changes the way the body and brain functions, it can help a lot with seizures. A byproduct of the body's new process is ketones, which is where the diet gets it's nickname keto.

I'm noting this for reason: Usually without sugar in their system, a person rapidly drops all water-weight. I'd lose about 5lbs going into ketosis, and gain 5lbs coming out.

* * *

Mr. Frog and I celebrated our anniversary, and continued sex as normal. I'm not sure why, but I had a fleeting concern that we had done sex right smack in the middle between my last period and when I expected the next one, which I know is when a woman generally ovulates. I think because it was seriously enjoyable, and an extra-long playtime. He stayed inside me a lot longer than usual.
I hadn't yet actually calculated cycle length at that point. I made a mental note that if my period didn't show up by the 10th of September, I'd be appropriately worried.

* * *

So, I'm not paying much attention to things, and suddenly it's the 9th. It strikes me as very important that I actually look at my menstruation notes and figure out how regular I've been. I wish I'd taken better notes! But, I did find out that for the last 3 months, I was like clockwork- 4week cycle minus a day. 27 days. 28 if that one middle month's timing counted- a normal cycle then.

And then I realized I was already late!
The 10th was stuck in my mind because it was LAST month's date, I should have started last Saturday on the 6th, and now it was already Tuesday!

I stewed over that for a bit, and began to wonder about some other weird things that had happened recently for which I had no definite timeframe.

The biggest of these weird things was my stomach. I generally don't get tummy troubles. If I eat something acidic like tomato sauce, it might make me uncomfortable if I try to lay down immediately, like the top of my belly was extra-churny. Instead, I was feeling that strange gnawing/burning sensation almost constantly. I had attributed it to Cellucor.

We had a wedding to attend on Saturday coming up and while Mr. Frog wasn't going to try to crash-Keto us, he was working out in the yard a lot, and the Cellucor is a thermogenic diety pill thing. It makes you sweat more, is supposed to give you energy for a workout at the same time that it's making your work more effective.

I hate Cellucor. For me, it makes me hungry All The Time. It makes me sweat while I'm cold. It makes my body muscles all twitchy and shaky like I've run out of sugar. I HATE Cellucor.
Mr. Frog would give me one before we went to do yarwork, then he'd leave for his closing shift at work and I'd promptly ignore his instructions to take another pill that afternoon. But my stomach didn't really ever stop feeling that weird maybe-hungry churning/gnawing thing despite plenty of time when the pill should have worn off. When it wasn't churning, it was just mildly...queasy? But all the time. If the churning or queasy feeling got strong (it only did once), I'd be properly nauseous.

I had also been extremely gassy, without a dietary reason that I could recall. Passing small bubbles out both ends often enough and for long enough to make me notice! I was very annoyed. I couldn't remember the last time I pooped, either.

I was peeing a lot, but I figured that was because I was drinking a lot. I was sipping water almost constantly because it seemed to ease the painless but still very uncomfortable sensation high in my belly. I gave up diet sodas- the ginger ale had not helped settle my stomach at all, and I found the taste suddenly NOT what I wanted.
Before now, Grandad's water was not appealing to me. I had a hard time drinking plain water because, well, it was boring and while it didn't taste bad, it wasn't appealing either (I loved our water in Colorado!). I'd put Mio flavoring in it. I abandoned Mio at the same time as the sodas. I also started drinking hot tea. I have vanilla chai, and an assortment with English Breakfast, Lemon-something, Peppermint. I drink it plain without milk or sweetener.
Eventually I didn't want to use up all my tea, so I would even microwave the water (it comes cold out of the refrigerator- tap water here has sulfur) and just drink plain hot water- something I've never done before.

I had gained weight.
I normally fluctuate around a steady number- that number being 125lbs off keto. I stepped on the scale one day and it read 132! It's digital, there is no calibration to blame. My dog still weighs 40lbs, I checked. This is just over 3 months since stopping work.
I was SO MAD.
My body never lost the weight when I began bicycling to work, how DARE IT put weight on just because I had stopped cycling? I have no safe place to go, Mr. Frog was adamant that without a concealed carry permit and a gun, I was NOT going to ride the roads around our house! I was livid.
ONE THIRTY TWO!
FFS

* * *

So anyway, I'm thinking about all this weird stuff that has suddenly been cast into a new light, and after debating with myself, I finally call my step-mom-in-law (SMIL). Mr. Frog's dad's wife. It went something like this:

"Hi SMIL it's me Mrs. Frog. I need to ask you a super-duper-to-secret gigantic favor."
"What?"
"I need to ask you a favor."
"What do you need?"
"...I wondered if you're not busy.... if maybe you could take me to go buy a pregnancy test."
"I'll be right there."

Now, this woman is married to Mr. Frog's dad, who would be absolutely over-the-moon beyond thrilled to find out he'd be getting a grandbaby. So she's all excited too of course, and she also has 4 of her own, the oldest about to graduate high school. So she's quizzing me about symptoms, telling me about how she found out with hers... we're trading stories.

We try the local gas station of the slim chance they carry tests. They don't. At this point I can't shake the feeling that this isn't like the other times in my relationship with Mr. Frog.

I was late once or twice (or just miscalculated, it wasn't an exact science back then), and have taken two pregnancy tests in my life. Both of those were more to prove to Mr. Frog that I wasn't pregnant than to see if maybe I was. I even started bleeding for a period AS I wiped after peeing on one of those sticks. But I always expected to see the blank spot where a line might show up those times. This time, I expected 2 lines.

We decided to go get a test at the further southern grocery store, because that was also the direction of Mr. Frog's store and we could just keep driving to go tell him the news so he'd be the 1st (well, you know) to know.

* * *

We get to the store, and I'm suddenly very glad that I told Grandad why SMIL was going to randomly show up and kidnap me. He'd given me $40, and the tests are expensive! SMIL wouldn't let me get the cheapo $5 ones, and so we buy a $15 EPT two-pack. We go straight to the store restroom and I pee on it.

Negative. I'm surprised.

SMIL has the instructions, seeing if there is some time frame or something to wait, and we realize the box is expired. We go to try and exchange the box, but there are no more on the shelf. SMIL grabs the next-most expensive, and pays the $5 difference.

We go back to the restroom. I'm pretty much empty, but I managed to dribble urine onto a digital ClearBlue stick.

Not Pregnant.

Feeling somewhat like a puppydog that just got kicked for no reason, we leave. I tell the excited cashier who had wished me luck for the outcome I wanted "Negative, but I don't believe it."

And she takes me home.

* * *

Mr. Frog gets home later. I've forbidden SMIL from telling her husband, because I know he would want to talk to Mr. Frog and I didn't want him to find out from anyone but me 1st.

I nonchalantly tell Mr. Frog about the pregnancy test. I'm pretty sure I mentioned several times that it was negative to ease his mind, but it doesn't work. He changes our video game guild message of the day to something along the lines of "When you think things are bad, just wait, they'll get worse." He's very dramatic, apparently.

It made me feel awful, because while I know things were looking dire in the short term, surely the entire world can change in the span of nine months? He was treating the possibility of pregnancy like it was the biggest disaster in our very long and eventful lifetime of disasters.

The test directions said to wait three days before testing again. It was the most stressful few days of my life. Mr. Frog left for work with clear instructions that I was to call him the minute my period started if it did. SMIL gave me inquiring eyes whenever she saw me to find out if I had any news.

* * *

Wednesday, nothing happens.

Mr. Frog, stressed to breaking, came home suddenly in better spirits that night. He'd done some research and he told me that thermogenic pills had a known side effect of messing with menstruation. I had not obeyed Mr. Frog's last afternoon pill instructions, so he figured I should start that night or sometime tomorrow. It was the same time frame we were already having to wait.

* * *

Nothing happened Thursday either. This day dragged on FOREVER.

I went to bed early at 9pm in my pajamas- a T-shirt and pant set. I was feeling very fat earlier, and laying down was downright uncomfortable. It felt like my lower stomach below my belly button was a big hollow spot, but it was heavy and would swing on some sort of internal strings. I'm normally a side sleeper, but the sensation of hanging my belly out like that was just too weird. Pressure on my stomach from trying to roll slightly that direction wasn't working either- though that is one of my most comfortable positions usually. I'll bring one leg up bent and lean on my stuffed frog with my chest- not quite on my belly but not on my side either. My back would maybe work... but my pants were driving me nuts.

Finally I got up and stripped, and put on my T-shirt nightgown instead. Sometimes I'll sleep naked, but lately I'd been waking up in the middle of the night to pee, and been covered in sweat hot. So I needed clothes. Nothing around my middle seemed to help, and I fell asleep.

* * *

I woke up at midnight, and went to pee. That's probably soon after Mr. Frog came to bed.

I woke up at 3am, and had to go pee.

At 6am I woke up, and that's bus driver hours. I could finally count it as morning.

I'd already taken a small mushroom jar from the kitchen and set it up with the tests in the bathroom ready to go. I peed in the jar. I open the expired EPT test, to try it first. You never know.

Negative!
So I dipped the ClearBlue test too.

Not Pregnant.

What the hell? I'm almost a full week late, a test should register something by now. This means that my body is doing crazy things all by itself, and I have absolutely zero excuse for being fat.

I cap the jar and put it aside by the bathroom trash can. I'm not sure why I didn't just pour it out then. I threw the tests in the can. I went and crawled back into bed.
Mr. Frog felt me cuddle up to his back and I noticed he was awake enough to tell, so I told him negative. He said "good" and rolled back over.

After about an hour and half, I'm not back asleep, and I'm tired of switching sides. I get up and say goodmorning to Grandad and just sit in the giant chair in front of the tv.

A little while later, Mr. Frog must have turned over and noticed I was gone, so he got up looking for me. We went back to bed, and I slept til 10am ish.

* * *

At 10am, I got up for good and when I went to the bathroom, I finally wiped blood, and a couple drops came out. So my period was finally here. Yay. I put in my Mooncup.
Mr. Frog made me biscuits and sausage gravy. It wasn't sitting well as per the usual lately, so I asked Mr. Frog to get me some Pepto or ginger candies or something on his way home from work.

He asked did my stomach hurt?

I said it had been for a while, and I start crying as I finish saying I had thought it was because I was pregnant!

He hugs me and tells me not to be sad. He tells me we will try someday, and if it turns out that we can't, we can adopt all the Ethernopian babies I want. And then he has to explain the South Park reference, and of course his attempt at levity is wasted. But, I stop crying and he digs out some pill for me to take for my stomach until he gets home from work.
He bought me Activia yogurts.

* * *

That afternoon, I decided after doing sort of nothing thus far, that I'd take a nice long shower.

It's been several hours and I usually bleed heavy, so I'm not surprised to see a full cup when I take it out. What does surprise me is the giant SPLAT when I go to pour the blood down the drain. The full cup is not full of blood. It was filled with very little actual blood, and a clot about the size of a quarter.
I kind of freaked out a little bit and stomped it through the drain and sprayed it a few moments for good measure. I did NOT want to see if maybe that could have been a baby.

When in the shower during my period I always use my fingers to sweep around my vagina and clear out any old blood, it's just kind of a habit to make sure I'm all clean. I noticed that my cervix felt extremely high, not as low as it should for a period, though it was very small around and kind of hard like it should be.

Needless to say, my shower was kind of ruined, so I washed quickly, replaced the cup and got out.

My first 12 hours or day of menstruation is usually very heavy, requiring a trip to empty the cup every 4 hours like a tampon. I went potty again at 6pm and was astonished to see nothing in the cup, just a little cloudy/clear fluid. Also no blood before bed that night.

Nothing overnight, just that little bit of cloudy-almost-clear fluid

* * *

Saturday the 13th is the day of our friend's wedding. We got to a barber shop to get Mr. Frog's hair cut.
It took forever, I didn't know mostly bald men still bothered to have someone else cut their hair! Most of them I thought looked much better before they sat down in the swivel chair.

At 1pm I figure I should use the restroom, Mr. Frog would be next and I didn't know where a bathroom might be later.

Finally, there is something in the cup again, and it is about half-full of normal dark blood.

It isn't even an hour after that when I'm hit with CRAMPS. Cramps I have not felt for 3 wonderful years. Cramps that make me grateful for my Beetle's seat heater, which I promptly turn full on to burn-my-skin 5.
The only good news about the cramps, is that by some blessing my queasy stomach did not stick around full time to double-team me.
After the burn-me ride to the wedding, the cramps have become slightly more moderate, though they go all the way through and make my lower back hurt.

I am SO glad when we finally manage to duck out of the wedding and go home.

6pm my cup is full- THIS is officially my period.

The cramps get bad again that evening and I take two Aleve and a hot shower and go to bed early.

* * *

On Sunday the cramps are gone, but my not-quite nausea has returned, slightly less churny and more like regular nausea.

I bleed normal-heavily and I feel like doing nothing.

Jamie comes home from work with groceries and I swear he's gotten the dryer sheets that smell the most in the whole entire world. I mean seriously, I smelled that horrible fake-flowery smell through the closed box! During dinner I go hang up laundry because I can't abide the smell of the onion he cuts up, and the smell of the cooking makes me uncomfortable, though dinner tastes just fine.

Football is on, so I spent most of the day horizontal on the bed watching that.

* * *

September 15th Monday morning, it turns out my bleeding completely stopped last night. There is again nothing in the mooncup. I don't spot that day or anything, I'm just done that suddenly. It's very weird.
I had no idea when the last time I'd pooped was, but I also finally did that.

If you count the weird clot day, that period lasted three days TOTAL.

* * *

Now, I've been tracking what I eat, when I poop, and how much I weigh each morning.

My weight is a new constant of around 130 even if I go work in the yard and eat so little that I feel like I'm starving all day long. Doing that, it goes down about a half a pound a day, but then if I eat to not be hungry, it goes right back up.
It infuriates me.
My clothes don't fit, and I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. And yet, I don't feel like trying to go outside and ride my bicycle in circles around the treacherous leafy sandy yard with those skinny bike tires trying to slide all over the place, while I dodge 6 dogs and spider webs.

It's taken what, THREE weeks for my stomach to settle down now. I was googling all sorts of things and at one point thought maybe I might have an ulcer.
I ran out of Activia (which didn't work), then raided the cabinets and found out which pill Jamie had given me that day. I took it three days in a row and on the fourth day, anxiously waited for something to happen. After I eat it might feel odd, but it seems to be much better.

I don't have to heat my water to drink it safely, but I am still avoiding it cold. I still have zero interest in soda or Mio. I actually cannot stomach the Mio, but I suspect Mr. Frog is using the sulfur tap water to fill the little cooler for yard work. I go without liquid and just drink lots when I get back inside.
I've tried twice to drink a soda. The first time, I finally poured the full flat can down the drain. The second time, I was smarter and opened it near the time Mr. Frog was due to get home, and passed it off to him. So far it has been water-only for me, which I guess is healthier anyway so I should be happy.

Out and about with Grandad yesterday I was suddenly dying of thirst beginning a grocery run, the last stop of the day. I got a strawberry lemonade Gatorade, figuring the electrolytes would be great. After chugging enough to not be thirsty anymore, I could not drink it. Mr. Frog got the other half last night, and I'm can't believe I drank that much of it, it was gross.

A week ago, I still didn't feel comfortable with the idea of using the flea & tick shampoo to wash Grunt. I'm not sure why. I asked SMIL to stop at a dollar store and get me any shampoo, and a box of tests to keep at home. She didn't get the cheapies, but another two-pack. At least it is a generic TopCare brand.

My Beagle smells like a vanilla mint tea.

* * *

Since going through all this, I haven't felt like doing much through the day. I do my chores, and waste a lot of time online. I have asked google tons of questions about stomach symptoms, pregnancy symptoms, periods, the pull-out method, whether pre-ejaculate contains semen, miscarriage, chemical pregnancy, everything I can think of and some things I research after I learn a new word during another search. I've found 3 pregnancy forums and posted on 2 with frustrating results, and the third is apparently broken.

I thought before all this happened that I was fine with waiting.

I mean, we're tight right now financially, we live with Grandad (although that's the plan for the near future indefinitely), we are paying for the Beetle. My husband has been promoted like lightning before we left Colorado and he's very close to being a store manager, even though in his impatient eyes he'll never get there. He's very stressed about that and feeling stagnant, and he doesn't do thumb-twiddling well. He is efficient, high-energy, and works hard at everything.

But I really thought I was pregnant. I didn't think I WANTED to be. That was one of my worries- that I had made the whole thing up in my head because I wanted it to happen. But it never made sense to me because I'm not trying to conceive, so why would I deceive myself about it?

But now that I'm done bleeding and tests have said I'm not, and nothing is happening... I would have really liked it if I had been pregnant.

I read a study when asking google about the sperm thing. In 2010 they concluded that pre-ejaculate can have sperm in it. A man either does, or does not. If his pre-ejaculate had sperm in one sample, it was in all the samples from that man. No man whose sample was clear of sperm ever submitted a sample WITH sperm in it.

By that logic, if I assume that what happened to me was a chemical pregnancy, then Mr. Frog has active swimmers all the time, not just when he finishes. So it's possible for me to get pregnant if we use the pull-out method, since it sort of happened once already, maybe.

I'm fairly certain that Mr.Frog believes that women can fall pregnant at any time of the month. Money is not so tight that he could not have bought more condoms since the scare... and yet he hasn't. He hasn't been any more careful with leaving his penis inside me for a while, he only makes sure to pull out without spilling his seed inside me. He has not suggested going to the health department for a pap smear and free year supply of birth control pills either.

Given all that, and what I've learned of cervical mucous, is it wrong of me to have not prevented sex during the assumed fertile days?
I don't really feel guilty about it, since he's not taking any real measures to prevent- other than withdrawing during my favorite part.

I don't know.
I'm sad and conflicted.
I lost my cuddly ancient Jack Russell Terrier a year and a half ago and I've been missing doggy cuddles terribly, and more so in the past month with all this. Grunt doesn't put up with much cuddling unless he's extremely sleepy, and then he'll wake up after a little while because he gets hot.

I had thought up a special way to tell my mom, dad, and twin sister in Colorado- I'd have mailed them a tadpole. They know how much I like frogs, so they'd have understood. My younger sister has the 1st grandchildren, but I know any children I have would be extra special for my dad- I'm the only one of us three girls that actually likes him and accepted him back into our lives fully. He was gone from maybe age 4 or 5 until 16-17 due to divorce.
But yeah.

So that's my story. Given that I didn't test before my missed period, I never saw a positive test, but I've let people talk me into believing that I had one. It's somehow easier than thinking I made it all up.

At this point, I'm just trying to motivate myself to exercise again, and I'm waiting to see if I get a period next month like normal. I'm not sure if last month will have thrown things out of whack or not. I got fertile mucous around day 14, so I'm assuming things are normal so far.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Did you read the whole thing? Wow, I'm impressed.

No? Here's the summary:
I thought I had my first pregnancy, but it turned out to be a chemical, or at least that's what I'm going with because I have no positive test for proof that I didn't make it all up.