When we had our son out close friends visited often with meals, offers of help and wanting to snuggle baby. With our new LO (three weeks old) we've still had lots of support and help but from new friends we've gotten to know since becoming parents--and our older friends (though still very active friendships) have hardly reached out, even texting to see how we're doing. It's a little bit weird to me, but maybe this is normal for second babies?
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We had a lot of food deliveries with #1 and none at all with #2. I think people need it more with second babies.
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@oliviaoblivia: totally! We are lucky in that my parenting group set up a meal train but our pre-baby friends have not been all that forthcoming checking in. Glad we have our community to help, I just can't even imagine not checking in on best friends!
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@maybebaby: Maybe they want to give you some space and assume you are sucking up all the newborn glory. Or they are busy with the holidays. What happens when you reach out?
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I'll keep this in mind when my BF has #2
Maybe I can offer to take LO #1 to the park or even for a walk!!! -
It's normal. People freak out over the 1st. After that it's no big deal!
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I'm guessing part of it is the timing of a holiday baby. This is a super busy time of year for most people. Also, people assume you have a handle on things the second time around since you know what to expect.
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I haven't even personally reached the same level of excitement about #2 this time around (currently pregnant), so I can see how it might be easy for friends to slip up lol
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They're absolutely not less special, but I do think around the holidays people are busier than normal (not cool, I know) around the holidays and there's a lot less excitement over the next born kids.
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I wonder how many of those friends have had kids since you had your first LO. It's definitely harder to support friends (with visits/food/etc.) when you have a LO of your own. My house is a disaster, and I'm totally overworked ... Sadly, since having a kiddo, I can't be physically there as much to support my friends who are having babies. I do offer to watch my friends older kiddos quite often, so they can have a little break.
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This totally happened with us too, to the point where family members didn't even really come visit #2 for weeks to months after he was born! I think people maybe assume that since you've done it before you don't need as much help, but I agree I think you need MORE help with #2 because you need to keep things normal for #1!
Hang in there and don't be afraid to ASK for help - I think people are probably willing they just don't realize you need it.
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I do think second, third, etc kids get less excitement then 1st kids. It also might be the timing of the holidays and the fact they are super busy with their own children.
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Agree people probably think you have it all figured out since you aren't first-time parents.
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That makes sense. I'm not bummed so much by lack of offers of help more so just the fact that my closest friends (who are thoughtful, wonderful people with whom I've stayed close over the years) can't even ask how we're doing via text from time to time. I struggled with bad PPD last time and had severe tearing (with difficult recoveries) both times, and I guess I'm just a little hurt that they don't realize it would mean a lot to just be asked how's it going? They're not mind readers and it's the holiday season, so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised.
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I think it's second born more than the holidays. I've got a December and a November baby, and I received more excitement for my firstborn, holiday baby than my second. I think people treat the second differently because it's not a transition into motherhood. Congrats on your new addition!
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I agree, I think it's a combo of the time of year + second baby. We had very few meals brought to us round 2, and I was fine with it and even expected it. I was prepared more for #2 by stocking the freezer with easy to make meals and breakfast options. Hang in there, if you need to talk give them a call they might be giving you space while you get adjusted to life with two. Don't hold it against them I'm sure it's not intentional.
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Same thing happened with us. October baby.
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yep. only my parents and a friend of the family visited in the hospital. granted, many people were sick and stayed away (january baby!) but..still. the entire extended family showed up with number one (which I hated, but now I'm splitting hairs hahaha).
I was also saying to my husband last night - DD2 is 11 months and cutting 800 teeth at once. I'm not getting any sleep. during the day I have her to deal with, and my 3 year old, so no "sleeping when the baby sleeps". 3 year old doesn't nap. I need help more NOW than I ever did with either newborn!!
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We definitely had less visitors around our second's birth than the first. We were shell shocked with our first. The second time around, not so much. It was more figuring out how to manage two kids at once. We welcomed meals and visits more than offers to help, etc. I had a late May baby the second time. I was outside with him within a week, so I was definitely less dependent on help than the first time.
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Yeah, I think that's probably a pretty common experience. Maybe not that the second baby is less special but people think that you're pro parents by that time and don't need the help! Wrangling 2 kids is no joke! We could have used any support that was offered.
@FaithFertility: I bet that offer would really be appreciated! I often felt badly for M when J was a newborn (hormones didn't help) because it's nonstop nursing, etc and not as much special attention for the older child, no matter how hard you try.
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My #2 got way less celebration/attention. I think I got 40 or so cards when LO1 was born and 3 when LO2 was born in June. Nobody but the grandparents and my brothers family came to meet LO2. Six months just passed and the rest of the family met him at Christmas. We're 40 min away from most of them.
I don't ask my friends about their #2's as much either. We're all on the same schedule and busy with ours.
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ABSOLUTELY! We have many friends that havn't seen my son ( second born ) and he turns one in three days! I don't care that much but I do feel kind of bad for him in some ways...they fussed over his sister so much more
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Definitely less interest from family and friends for LO 2 and 3!
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I'm guilty of being way less interested in baby #2. When I found out my favorite cousin and his wife were pregnant with their second within 18-24 months of his first I remember saying "again?!" I didn't understand why they had a second baby and yet still needed so much help (financial) even with the first. It seemed like a poor decision, so I distanced myself.
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We lived abroad when both babies were born and I had a much better support network by the time I had my second so we did get more visitors and food when he arrived. But family and friends back home were far less interested. Lots of them still fussed over him but some weren't bothered about holding him. I think BIL literally said "hello" to him then walked past and that was it, lol. Far fewer cards and gifts too. I feel bad for him that less fuss was made over his arrival, but it isn't like he will ever realise.
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It was like that with #2 for us, too. I had some close friends who were super supportive, but it was much different with family than it was with #1. I remember I could hardly even get my mom to come over when #2 was a baby!
But by the time #3 came I think people felt sorry for us or were worried about our sanity because we didn't have to cook for 6 weeks straight!
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I think that nothing beats the excitement of baby number one! Going from 0 to 1 is pretty life changing - friends and family want to be a part of that!!
Even for myself, with lo1 I was all over the stroller and furniture research, buying all the cute white/neutral clothes I could get my hands on, planning the 'going home outfit' for baby, looking at diaper bags, decorating the nursery, etc, etc, etc... But now, with lo2 on the way I haven't done a single solitary thing!
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Our friends and even family definitely made less of a fuss about the second baby. That said, my closest friends (bridesmaids from our wedding 6 years ago) still made a fuss and some of our new friends from LO1 have been excited.
I found even my parents and DH acted like the second was no big deal... They basically expected me to be ready to go right after coming home from the hospital and talked about taking LO2 out and about far before I felt ready. On the flip side, I feel like I have an even more special bond with LO2 cus sometimes it feels like it's just me and him against the world (likely cus DH is busy with LO1).
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