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My older one still does this a lot---some of it, I just let go....yes, even if she makes the baby fall down (if it's just like, falling from standing to plopping down on her butt on the rug), IF LO2 isn't protesting or crying. Very rarely, I've done time outs but I feel like those don't work to prevent another issue---3 year olds just don't have impulse control. So even if she seems contrite after having a time out, it's not going to stop her from doing it the next time that idea pops into her head.

The only thing that really works is constantly shadowing the kids and literally stopping a push or a toy grab in mid-air. Obviously, you can't do that 24/7, so sometimes a little grace has to be given to everyone involved.

But for me, a punishment for the 3 year old is usually akin to the parent being punished because they didn't do their job and prevent the mean action fast enough--kind of inappropriate.

We've never had a play yard because we have a small space and never needed one with 1 kid--but after having 2, I realized how handy they could be to keep kids separated. Maybe you can stagger their naps, so each kid gets some sibling-free time? And count down the minutes till older kid is in pre-school.

I know you're in a small space now but I definitely suggest looking in to a play yard when you're in the new house. I never thought I would buy one of those, but then I had a baby who every time I turn my back he immediately bolts for something like the dog's water bowl or trying to scale the tile surround of the tub. We bought it for just keeping the baby safe when we need to get things done, but it also comes in really handy if the 3.5 year old is getting rowdy.

Happens here too. DS1 is 3.5, DS2 is just over a year. It got the worst once DS2 became mobile. It really hasn't gotten any better either. It's aggravating, but since he's not actually hurting him (just rips toys away and knocks into him at times), most of the time we just intervene. Time outs only if it's really malicious, dangerous, or if he actually upsets DS2.

@FoodNerd81: I'm totally with you on just not being able to handle Janet sometimes. I like her ideas in theory, but like you, I'm a real person with my own wants, needs, and stuff I just have to get done!...One thing I've been trying recently with my newly four year old when she screams/tantrums like that is to send her somewhere else to let her feelings play out. I'll tell her it is fine to be mad, but until she can calm down/express herself like a big girl, she needs to do it in her room/downstairs/wherever I'm NOT. I'll physically take her to that spot and will gate her out of, say, the kitchen (or wherever I am) if necessary. Usually she wants to be with me more than anything, and diets herself out pretty quickly. As far as roughness with baby...if it's any consolation it'll be a whole new ballgame in a few months when your LO is walking and can defend herself a bit better. At 2 and 4, my older DD is now in more danger from the little one! and as they get bigger, you're right - our pediatrician advises letting kids sort it out unless there's blood or weapons!

@Anagram: I appreciate the reminder about "how would I react if this happened at daycare/with a sitter" - I'm in a similar situation to the OP behavior wise (a really rough patch with BOTH my girls), and am looking for ways to take a step back, stop yelling and discipline more effectively.

@PinkElephant: I like this idea of allowing her to tantrum but she has to do it away from me. Mine is 3 and being super pregnant, I just do not have the patience to deal with it without reacting in a way that I hate (yelling, mainly).

@PinkElephant: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00KU11008/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

We have this one. It would be nice if it had a gate but I didn't want to pay any more for it since it's a limited use item and it does the trick. Plus, if there was a gate, my 3.5 year old would probably figure out how to get in

So I'm not sure if this would help or totally backfire but what if the result instead of negative attention for the toddler was positive attention for the baby? Would that discourage her maybe? We aren't at this stage yet so just an idea. Good luck!

I think you're 100% right that the root of this are the life changes happening, which is actually good because you can ride it out. My son is nearly 4 and baby sister is 8 months. He went through some emotional transitions in school and took out his frustration on the baby (he'd been a dream with her the first 6ish months!) Disclaimer, we try our best to gentle parent and I dig Janet (although I like Hand in Hand Parenting more). This worked for us:
First, we'd try to head it off but that only works like 10% of the time in real life. We'd remain as calm as possible, not say anything to my son (this is hard! We want to yell Stop/No/Etc at him), and go straight to the baby; totally ignore him not in a cold shoulder way or with a look, just act like he didn't do anything. We check her or talk to her, usually "oh are you alright? F took that/yelled at you/whatever. It's going to be ok." Then we'd talk to him as calmly as possible, "you yelled at c and that's scary for her. If you're mad and want to scream you can go outside/to your room/whatever. I cannot let you scare/hurt/be mean to C, we have to take care of her. If you're unsafe again you will need to find a different place to be." We'd enforce playing in a different space until he was calmer. The key for our son is to remain neutral because exasperation or frustration from us makes his behavior 100x worse.
It's been several weeks and the incidents are way down. His school stuff is slowly stabilizing and we're getting better at reading his cues of being about to loose it, too.

It's so so hard to be a patient momma. I sometimes like to read gentle parenting stuff because it gives me focus, but other times it makes me feel like the shittiest idiot to ever raise a child. I can even only manage that routine above like 70% of the time! The rest I'm like "dude, really?!?!" Just keep trying!

<< I make a point of spending one on one time giving the big girl my full attention during the baby's morning nap. And she will be so good and helpful and and then she will play happily by her self. Then as soon as her sister wakes up she starts misbehaving- whether it's being rough with the baby or just general not listening stuff- like I need to close a door and she stands in the doorway and just stares at me as I ask her to move, until I physically pick her up and move her and she starts screaming. After we just spent a really good hour together. >>

@Foodnerd81: Is it possible that giving her your full attention during that hour is maybe adding to the problem? Maybe she loves the extra attention, and that's what's causing the behavior issues once baby wakes up and she loses it!

I only say this because I've noticed that often when I am really present and attentive and then have to go do something else, my kids get more upset than if I hadn't focused on them at all. So now I try to balance it a bit more, and I've noticed less behavior problems.

So in summary, maybe you're just too good of a mom for that one hour!!

@mrbee: ok, that's another great point! I've been puzzling over the same thing... why do we spend all that quality time together and then he throws some ridiculous tantrum like we weren't just getting along fine?

@Foodnerd81: oh gosh, I didn't mean to call anytime else thoughtless! I hope it didn't sound that way. I'm just so mad at myself for my behavior the last few weeks. Everything you're saying sounds so familiar. DS will also drive me up the wall and then cry and ask me to hold him. And I'll refuse because I'm hoping mad and trying not to get even madder. And then I'll lie awake at night and wish I could do the whole day over.

Well, on the bright side this seems to be pretty common toddler behavior... that's good to know! It helps to step back and get a fresh perspective.

@Cherrybee: I don't ignore it at all, I just try to limit time outs to the very rare occurrence (maybe....twice a month? once a week?). The rest of the time, I just try my best to keep them separated, or to shadow them. Sometimes (like tonight), that means the older one is playing by herself on the balcony with sidewalk chalk, and the younger one is in my arms while I prepare dinner one handed.

Or I set up the older one doing something (stamping with ink, drawing, painting) at the dining room table where LO2 can't reach, and LO2 is on the living room floor playing with blocks.

And sometimes, obviously, I fail and I'm doing something else and something will happen--and I will tell LO that we don't hit, or we only use gentle hands, or whatever....I just try not to punish. I am firm with her about the boundaries though.

Also, LO2 is now 13 months and has been walking since 10 months and she's 24 lbs to LO1s 29 lbs, so they are getting to the stage where they each give as good as they get. LO2 can be a beast herself. I definitely haven't punished her or done time outs with her--mainly just redirection for both of them.