Hellobee Boards

Haha This happens a lot. Though I have figured out that LO is fearful of getting me mad (I’m actually not sure why he’s scared but I think it might be that he has rarely seen me mad). All I have to say is mommy is getting mad, if I start counting and get to three it’s not going to be pretty. He gets in line.

I think have a pretty sensitive kid though. If DH and I are discussing something, sometimes we get passionate and raise our voice to make our point … I noticed that LO will rush over to distract us or put his little hands over our mouths to stop us from fighting. We are usually not really fighting fights. I think this happened during our white chocolate is not chocolate talk. Haha.

@mrbee: I set a timer and if we aren't ready for bed before the timer goes off, no books. It only took one rough bedtime for him to understand the consequence, and ever since he gets moving when the timer goes on.If he refuses to brush his teeth I brush them for him. I ask him if he is going to do it or if I should. No need for a battle of wills.

Yes, we definitely have battles. I give him lots of chances, but I rarely let him win because he'll walk all over me. If I was in you shoes I would've told him no books, immediate lights out if he didn't want to brush his teeth first.

In this situation, I would give in once and if it's a disaster, then would stick to my guns the next time. I'd probably say, "Ok, you want to brush your teeth after we read books. That sounds reasonable and I trust you to do it then." Then if he gives you a hard time, you can start the battle of wills. And if he asks again the next day say "Yesterday you asked to brush teeth after books but then you didn't follow through. That showed me that we should keep the schedule the way it was," or something like that.

Basically, as long as bedtime stays at the same time, I wouldn't mind letting him have some control of minor things. My parents used to always say "because I'm the parent and I said so!" It made me crazy so I try to pick my battles more.

Of course, my LO is only 3.5 and we've been having a hard time getting him to go the f*** to sleep, so what do I know!!

@Mrs. Lion: The timer is a good tip! I may have to try that for my 4.5 yr old.

@lovehoneybee: We do the same. She doesn't want to go potty, brush her teeth, etc, then we ask her if she wants to read a story or not. It shapes her up really fast. But there have been times where it didn't and she goes to bed without stories, which she is pissed about.

I had no advice but I came up here and was wondering about the same thing. My son (4 year old now) is SO DIFFICULT nowadays. Everything has to be HIS way and if not, he'd break out into a crying spell + tantrums. Like this morning he threw a tantrum because I said no videos until he put on his clothes and come downstairs to join me for breakfast. He was screaming and crying and pretend he couldn't pull up his pants and asked me for help (which he is ALWAYS able to do that by himself). Then he went into his closet to find another shirt because obviously he didn't want to wear the one I picked out. I refused to help him with his pants but I let him pick a new shirt. Even washing his hands or washing his hands WITH SOAP can be such a BATTLE. Because he doesn't WANT TO. Gahhh.... I want to quote worse examples, but I think my self defense mechanism has repressed those memories even though they only happened yesterday or two days before lol.

I think last night we had a similar fight, that he wanted to read books before brushing his teeth which I didn't let him. He whined and then goes, I should be able to do WHATEVER I WANT! That really pushed my buttons. I was like, yes you can do whatever you want when you grew up, but you are still young, so me and your daddy are your parents and we are here to guide you onto the right path. Then he started complaining how "guide" is a bad world. blah blah. Gosh. I don't know. But I seemed to have lost control of my son

I am with you, I don't want to give in because I fear that it will mean he would get worse and further push the boundaries and become more and more difficult.

Just thought I'd say yes I am having the same problem and I don't know where did it go wrong...

ETA: OK. I remember now. Friday I took him to a dinner date at his favorite restaurant. I parked. Everything was good and he was generally very happy until I enter through the front door. He insisted he MUST enter through the side doors and I must follow him (I already pushed open the front door). I ignored him and I went through the front. Meltdown. He did finally come in through the front door while crying like someone died. I went to the counter to order. He grabbed a gigantic piece of cookie that is bigger than his face at the counter and demanded he wanted it. I said no and again, Huge huge meltdown. Finally we left the counter and I let him pick a table. He picked a table and I said let's go wash our hands. He had soap on his hands he then started saying how the water from the faucet will be burning hot (it is not) and he wouldn't put his hands there. A long talk + struggle. Since his hands were covered in soap, people were waiting, and there is only one basin I forced his hands under the faucet to wash off the soap. MELTDOWN. We came out from the bathroom, I took him out of the restaurant and just sat with him outside and said you have to calm down before we go back in. It used to work, but it didn't work at all that day. He just kept crying and crying. Even the servers were confused if they should bring the food out. Sigh. People probably wonder what a horrible horrible mother with a spoiled spoiled brat.

@mrbee: I completely hear that, I worry about being too permissive and letting it become a slippery slope, but I do try to find compromises and ways to work around things that aren't potentially a big deal. IE, I probably would have said (if my kid was still resisting after I said no, teeth first), "how about we read 1 book, then you brush your teeth, then we read the rest?" or something like that. My kid is not even 3 so I anticipate these battles to become more frequent.

@lovehoneybee: This! Though, this usually prompts attitude from my little guy. I give him one last chance...knock it off completely, or no stories. There have been times when he's gone to bed with no stories, and I've gotten my way. The next day he's better. I think the follow through on the discipline is key...I take something away if he doesn't want to listen, and he still has to do what I'm asking him to do. If he's good the next night...maybe he'll get the privilege back.

@mrbee: I remember your post about Beyond Consequences. I didn't read the book but the idea held appeal to me. Would that apply with the boundary testing you're dealing with these days?

@edelweiss: I like your example because it is a perfect microcosm of the power struggle vs "work with" model. I also would not have asked to stop tapping but might have asked him to get up from the table to tap elsewhere. My DH and I started dealing with table manners earlier this year. We both decided that we wanted him to sit at table nicely/quietly and eat with no toys. We realized though that he probably couldn't do that for more than ten minutes so when we are at home we let him get down as soon as he loses interest and starts making messes/noise
This is partially because DH and I tend to linger over dinner so we knew it was foolhardy to expect him to sit for 35 minutes. But if we had wanted him to sit with us then I guess we would have had to ease up on the no toy/no mess/no noise rule. Because I love to eat and can't bear to have meals interrupted with constant nagging. When we r out at restaurants we have had to explain that you have to sit and wait for the check etc. If a meal is getting long I take him outside. And sometimes our parents/ILs balk that he expects to get down but I also expect his endurance with time @ table will increase over time but I do expect him to sit at table toy free and eat/engage with us for some amount of time. To me quality Trump quantity but for others it would be different, just depends on the family and where they draw their boundaries.

My daughter is still little enough that I can say employee many of the tricks discussed. However, I work in a structured classroom setting and with those kids we work to be firm and flexible at the same time. If a kiddo has a reasonable request, like switch the order of routines, I would try and frame it as an opportunity to "build trust." I would meet the request and let them know that when they follow through with what they said they would do it helps me trust them, build a relationship, etc. but if they don't it hurts our trust and may influence how I react when making future decisions. Obviously it's important to use age appropriate language but I think framing it as a way to build trust is good for kids and can be a way to teach kids valuable relationship/friendship skills, if you have the type of kid who needs or wants more control in their life.

@irene: wow 6 dollars for a cookie!!! Yeah I wouldn't have gotten that either. Most cookies here are max 1.5 dollars. Haha.

Your son must be going through three-anger later than usual! Sorry to hear he has changed so much, it must be tough! *big hugs*

Edit: My MIL use to take her 3 sons out to eat by herself all the time especially when they were young. She has some fun stories. She is just so great at not sweating the small stuff. That is totally not me. I can't eat alone with the kids.