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@grizz: sometimes I think we put too much focus on birth and not enough on the parenting that immediately follows the delivery of the child. I can only comment on my experience but even though my labour and delivery were long and full of interventions, it was a cakewalk compared to the first 2-3 weeks at home with my newborn.

Thank you, this spoke to me as well. These two parts in particular:

"Your body doesn’t just automatically “know what to do” because you are a woman. There are a million things that can go wrong, and that go wrong everyday, and those things make medical interventions not only necessary but the best thing that could ever happen to you and your baby. Maybe those stories of women and babies dying in childbirth still permeate our brains because they need to. Because we need to take birth seriously enough that we don’t endanger ourselves and our children by refusing medical care when it could be the difference between a positive and a life-altering outcome."

and

"What has to happen is that ALL kinds of births have to be normalized. We have got to stop sitting in these camps that speak these surface languages that tell you one birth looks like this and is bad, one birth looks like this and is good, and for the millions of women that don’t fit into either of those camps, that there is no place for your birth and the implication is you must’ve done something wrong."

I did the first 20 hours or so of my labor naturally with not so much as an IV (I was totally insistent on NOT wanting an IV), but in the end I got an epidural and then am emergency c-section. I remember my midwife at my follow-up appointment asking me lots of questions about how I felt about my birth not going according to plan. I remember many looks of sympathy from friends and family and talks about how I could try again next time. And I still deal with the frustration of it never being enough to just say that I had an emergency c-section. No, you have to explain why it was necessary, because if you don't make sure everyone knows how hard you and the hospital staff tried to avoid it and how it was REALLY needed, people assume that you're just another person who was tricked or talked into an unnecessary c-section. And it really just makes me want to tell people to eff off, to be quite honest with you!

I felt like I was brave and did what I had to do in order to bring my baby safely into this world, and instead of that being celebrated or even looked at as normal, I got sympathy and pity. I know there are women out there who have had it worse and that many hate the sentiment about a healthy baby being the most important thing, but getting my son out safely was my focus, and I achieved that. So I didn't feel like I failed, but it seemed like everyone else expected me to feel that way. And when it seems like everyone thinks you should be feeling a certain way and you don't, it can mess with your head. I so badly wish that all types of birth could be seen as just that - birth, without all of the associated stereotypes and assumptions.

@grizz: this might be a strange question but do you think you would feel different about your birth if you had different providers caring for you?

Yes. Thank you

@grizz: How do you think you would feel about #2 if it weren't for the fear of birth factoring in? I'm sorry it's so hard for you. I was fortunate in that I really did feel like my midwife and nurse were listening to me and did everything possible to help me progress, I think that made a huge difference in how I felt about it all after the fact. I hope that your midwife meeting goes well tomorrow, and that it leaves you feeling better about all of this.

I loved this!

I didn't really feel like a failure after my LO's birth-- because I think I realized immediately that the interventions I needed I did actually NEED... but I have felt kind of weird telling people about my birth afterwards. I was that girl that told everyone I was going to a midwife to have a natural birth in a laboring tub and I was so confident I could do it!

And the same thing happened to me as happened to the woman in the article. I planned to wait until 42 weeks (as long as my midwife practice allows) and ended up getting induced at 41+1 after my midwife telling me it was the only safe option for me at that point. I labored 17 hours, had meconium in my fluid, opted for an epidural when I had back labor every 2 minutes for 1+ min at only 2cm dilated, and ended up with a c-section when the baby was too stuck to come out (also sunny side up and crooked).

I wish that the birth had been easier and I'm sad that it wasn't, but I don't feel that I failed. I feel that I'm lucky I was pregnant now when I was able to have all these interventions to get my daughter out safely. If it was 100 years ago, or even 50 years ago-- one or both of us may not have made it.

But I totally agree with the article that all births should be normalized. When I tell people I had a c-section I still feel the need to explain all the WHY so they realize that it was really necessary and I was not just a sheep to an overeager medical profession looking to cut.

@ShootingStar: due to really bad tearing and lots of damage, the doctors have recommended a c section next time. Thanks for sharing that.

Thank you for sharing!

Thank you. I have peace with my birth even though I ended up with a c section, mostly because I feel confident a traumatic experience was on the horizon and I threw my hands up when I saw it coming and asked for a c section even though I wanted a vaginal birth more than anything.

But my body never dilated on its own. After wanting so badly to have a natural birth and show all the skeptics that I could birth this baby naturally I never progressed. I accepted the induction and my body dilated but so so slowly. 4cm in 14 hours ON pitocin. I opted for a c section versus a long painful journey that would most likely end in c section. I'm proud of that, but I still can't help but feel like I failed.

I was open to the idea when I made my birth plan that I could end up with a C so that helped, but always in the back of my mind I knew how my birth would go and I didn't happen at all like I thought.

I love this. If you loved your natural birth and everything went perfectly, that's awesome! But, even my natural childbirth class teacher said nature only gets it right about 85% of the time... Right now I'm trying to turn a breech baby and trying to cope with maybe having a c section. I am trying to focus on the end result of a healthy baby rather than all the feelings of failure!!

This is great. I didn't feel like I was a failure for giving birth at a hospital but I know a lot of close friends that feel terrible about having c-sections, which breaks my heart.

I loved this. I was wishy washy on a natural birth, even though I was booked in at a midwife-only birth centre. Because I never committed myself fully to going au natural, I got a lot of nasty comments from the midwives and from friends that had done it before. As in, you have to be fully committed in order for it to work, you don't really want this, don't you want what's best for you and your baby, etc. In the end, I needed a transfer to hospital, my babes gigantic noggin got stuck, I got an epidural at 10cm dilated after over an hr of pushing (could REALLY relate to the author's description of getting an epidural during transition - next time around I will be getting an epidural the minute I set foot in the hospital), and had a relatively uncomplicated forceps delivery, a small episiotomy and a really easy recovery. I was thrilled with my birth experience after the fact, but people still judged. I'm trying not to let others spoil my experience, but it is so hard.

great article. =) This one was also in the comments and I wanted to share it in case others missed it. http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/10/24/an-unspoken-risk-of-vaginal-birth/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_php=true&_type=blogs&_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=3

Love this article so much!!!

@Anagram: omg... Just reading this... sooo scary!

I feel like people forget that women use to DIE in labor. I would have. A natural birth would be great, but it can't be done by everyone. Are medical interventions too much, maybe sometimes. But when push comes to shove, birth is dangerous and women use to die because of it. Babies use to die (had I miraculously made it out of my first birth alive, my third baby wouldn't have with two knots in his cord).

That being said, I totally relate to the feeling of failure (I even had to have a c-section three times). Good article

@kml636: oh no--do you have children? I didn't post it to scare anyone who hasn't had birth yet. Personally, I had a fairly easy delivery. I only pushed for about 20 minutes, I had an epidural (was always planning on getting one) which managed the pain but wasn't too strong (I could still move one leg completely). And then I had a 2nd degree tear that I didn't even know had happened until the doctor told me. I got stitches and felt fine/back to normal within 1-2 weeks. No lasting issues.

But I know a *lot* of people here on HB had to push much longer and had severe 3rd degree tears, so I thought it was helpful to post---it is something that people don't talk about. The tears, the recovery, the possible postpartum issues with healing.

@Anagram: I have one, my first labor was not so bad, I am lucky I guess!