Hellobee Boards

@JoJoGirl: Thats what else I was thinking about. The fight for resources for your child. Never ending. And some people with less resources and education or just less strength don't have it in them! A lot of disabled children are in the system.

Actually I think now is a good time to say something that I have been feeling the past year but never found a good time to articulate.

It is so easy to judge people and I am sure there are ladies here who do judge me and the other girls here who have TFMR. However, not once has anyone ever said anything hurtful or condescending or "judgy". Nothing negative has ever been implied or said. I'm thankful for that. I have only received love and support and it is nice to be part of a community that despite different views on such sensitive topics, we can be accepting of others. I'm not naive, I am sure there are girls here who frown on my decision but thank you for never saying so to me.

@delight: Just want to say that even though we may have differing opinions on this subject, I think it's great that we can still be kind to one another. I wouldn't judge you or make any rude comment to you regarding your decision. I'm also sorry for how your mother treated you.

@delight:

@Ree723: thanks so much. I wouldn't have wished the experience on my worst enemy. I have always been thankful for the support here and amongst my friends though.
@whenoceansrise: thanks so much for your words. I am thankful for the kindness everyone has shown, regardless of our views on the topic.

Wow. Powerful article. Thanks for sharing.

I saw this on social media last night and thought it was really important: "Here's the thing about being pro-choice that people don't get...You don't have to morally agree with abortion to be pro-choice. That's why it's not called pro-abortion. It's an understanding that you can't make that choice for someone else and they have full control over that, not you. It's pro-I'm not the boss of everyone else. If you personally wouldn't have an abortion but are still pro-choice, try to avoid adding that as a disclaimer. If you say 'I'm pro-choice but would never get an abortion' then you're stigmatizing people who have gotten one and implying that you're a better/more moral person than them."

That is my sentiment exactly that I am "morally" pro-life, but as part of society I am pro-choice b/c I cannot and should not dictate what somebody else should do. I don't think anyone would say that they don't see value in any life form.

So regarding these types of "abortions", it really is up to the parent(s). They have to live with that decision forever, not me.

@delight: I remember your story too, and am forever grateful that you shared your journey with us

@snowjewelz: I love the way you always respond to things. Like if only all religious people in the world (not referring to hello bee) said well we don't do x because of our religion, but whatever other people do is their choice!

@junebugsmama: This is what I get sooo mad at.. I mean, I'm by no means a perfect example of a Christian, but some things that "Christians" say or do... Just make me so mad! Like dude you are not helping! There really is a fine line between standing firm in what you believe in vs becoming too liberal vs not shoving your beliefs down people's throats.

I think the biggest takeaway from this article is that there are some things you just can't judge until you're in the situation yourself. The biggest pro-life supporter ever might be singing a different tune after a diagnosis like this. In my opinion this is why we shouldn't take away choice, because it's horrible enough to be in this situation in the first place that at least you have comfort knowing you are legally allowed to take your doctors advice.

@looch: We have a disabled person like this in our family as well. He's in his late 30s and life has only gotten harder for his parents as he's gotten older and his health has declined. His parents eventually divorced so now they share custody and deal with all the crap that comes along with that. When he was younger, the family made friends with other families in similar situations. Over time, nearly all the couples divorced, many careers were halted, and it's just an ongoing struggle for everyone as the parents grow older and have a harder time caring for their disabled children. DH and I will never judge anyone who has to make a choice about this type of thing.

@JoJoGirl: Thank you for this! People downplay the realities of what a special needs situation can look like too often.

@delight: I cannot believe your mother! I'm so sorry. But I agree that the ladies here have been amazing. I had one slightly negative commenter, and she got shut down immediately. Though surprisingly, even on my blog, which has had thousands of readers, I've only had a handful of negative reactions.

@winniebee: Thank you for sharing this! I really appreciate any time I see stories reminding people that the abortion debate is NOT just the black and white "save the babies" issue that some claim.

It's hard to read these, because it brings back so much, but it's so important to get them out there. At one point in our birth class, the teacher basically said not to get genetic testing done, because the risk of false positives is so high, "and you wouldn't do anything anyway, right?" Now granted we live in the Bible Belt, but I still had to get up and go to the bathroom for a minute. I didn't feel like that was the time to make a scene (again, Bible Belt, and we had weeks more of class left). But seriously, yes, some would do something! More than you think. When it's a choice between your baby suffering and doing something incredibly difficult, you might be surprised what choice you'd make. Good for you that you had two healthy pregnancies and healthy babies. Some of us weren't so lucky.

My husband's cousin had a baby with what I assume was a similar condition to what was described in the article. She chose to carry to term so she could hold him at least. I don't know the details (it was before I met her), but I know he didn't survive long, not more than hours, if that. Honestly, I couldn't have done that. It would have been too much harder on me to hold a baby knowing they were dying. But that's me, and this was her choice. What matters is that she had a CHOICE, just like I did, and no one forced her to carry a baby to term just to watch him die.

I agree with what the article said about the stigma in saying abortion. I almost always say termination, or just late term loss if I'm dealing with strangers who don't need the whole story. But it's something I'm working on. I do think it's very important to remove that stigma, and stories like these and mine are an important first step.

ETA- I also think that people who say they'd never terminate just because of disability don't realize the privilege inherent in that position. If you're a single mom working two jobs and still barely able to feed the children you have, you simply can't handle the burden of a special needs child and all that entails. It's not fair to anyone.

@Modern Daisy: I can't tell you how many pro-lifers said exactly that to me. They had always felt like they would NEVER consider an abortion, but they didn't know what they'd do in my shoes.

@delight: God's love and grace is absolutely unconditional and as a Christian who is passionate about this fact, I sincerely apologize that any believer, especially your mother, would make you feel that you are denied a place at a the Father's table. All are welcomed and you are incredibly loved.

I am morally pro-life, but I think that its more important and effective to help provide for a world that is more conducive to supporting healthy, productive lives than going after access to safe abortions. That's my biggest beef with the so-called pro-life conservatives. Put your money and time where your mouth is. If we want to reduce the number of abortions in this country, then make America a better place for ALL people - the disabled, their exhausted caretakers, the impoverished. If you're pro-life for religious reasons, then instead of picketing abortion clinics, we should be donating to our crisis nurseries, taking shifts giving respite care to our friends and neighbors with sick children, become foster parents, or financially support institutions and programs that come alongside families that need help.

@gingerbebe: Thank you. My disabled family member lives in a very politically conservative area and I know her parents felt very much left out to dry by the system that would never have supported an abortion, and then left her parents to fend for themselves when it came to resources and care of their disabled adult.

@JoJoGirl: I'm really sorry that happened. It drives me absolutely bonkers when I see that kind of disconnect. I used to attend a church where the head pastor had a severely disabled daughter and while he wouldn't give her up for the world, he DID make supporting families with disabled members and respite care a HUGE issue. The church eventually fund-raised to build a big facility to provide support for severely disabled individuals, and a big part of it was providing respite care to parents and caretakers who just needed a break and some loving support. Things like that should be the norm in the church.

@skipra: I think very few (if any) women are "callous" about their abortions, but your statement was.

@skipra: Perhaps I misread your statement. "The women that do this are not just callously aborting fetuses that are unwanted," implied, to me, that anyone who had another reason to have an abortion was someone who was "just callously aborting fetuses." Thank you for clarifying your statement!