I'll try to make this short especially because I'm on my phone at work. I've been ttc for 11 months. We're doing IUIs with a midwife about 5 hours away. Sometimes DW comes with me, sometimes she doesn't. We don't have a ton of extra money at the moment and they always seem to fall on her busiest work days so she doesn't like to miss too much work. Last month she didn't come with me. This month it's our anniversary on the day I'll probably have to do the IUI (this Friday or Saturday). I mentioned last week that it would be nice if she could come so we could be together. This morning she says she thinks she should stay so she doesn't miss work. I get it, and I don't want to waste money either, but I really want her there. And mostly I want her to want to be there. She doesn't have any qualms about taking a day or two off when her dad visits (he also manages to always come on her busiest days) but she has a hard time doing it for me. It makes me feel terrible, and unsupported. But I feel like I'm always the bad guy asking her to reschedule clients or call in sick. I know the answer is talk to her, have the conversation. I guess I'm just venting and wondering if maybe I'm just being too sensitive. I did take Clomid this month, maybe that's partly why it's getting to me so much. I've been in tears all morning since I left the house.
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That would bother me too. I do get a bee in my bonnet if I don't feel like I'm a priority to my spouse, and I'm not on Clomid. I think you need to talk to her about it, especially because it's such a special day.
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That would get to me, too! I think you need to have the honest conversation. In the mean time, hang in there. You may be extra emotional because of the clomid, but that doesn't invalidate how you feel!
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I don't think you're being unfair. I went to all my monitoring appointments alone. My DH was at every procedure though. It's a big deal to have an IUI or embryo transfer. I would have been upset if he didn't come.
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Aw, makes sense to me (how you are feeling)! Is it just money, or is she having a hard time leaving work because work really needs her there? I know for DH, he is the only person who does his job out of 10,000 people, so if he isn't there... he has to do twice as much the day before or after or week before or after! I would tell her this time is really important, maybe make a day of it.
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DH never went to any of my IUIs (well he did, to drop off the sample, but then he went on to work before I got there an hour later). That being said, it didn't matter to me whether he was there or not, and I knew it was easier for him not to miss work. I don't think you're being too sensitive, since it does matter to you.
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@Greentea: it's probably a bit of both. She's self employed, and I know from experience that it's hard to take time off or reschedule when you're the only one doing it.
Everyone else: thank you. It feels good just to know I'm not being crazy. We are very practical and usually I'm ok doing it on my own but last month was hard because it was a new midwife that I didn't know, and it was extra painful for some reason. It felt awfully lonely. It doesn't make practical sense for us both to miss work every time, I just wish it wasn't so easy for her to accommodate her father's poor timing and so hard to accommodate mine.
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I agree with pp's in that you definitely need to have a talk with your wife, and I don't think you're being overly sensitive! My wife and I did 7 IUI's before moving onto IVF, and she was the one undergoing treatment. Luckily, our clinic is a short drive away and my job is somewhat flexible, but I also attended every procedure appointment with her. Despite the fact that she was the one undergoing treatment, we were both involved with making a baby through every step.
Maybe she sees it as just another doctor appointment and that she isn't 'helping/contributing' while there, but I know for myself, being there to hold her hand and take her mind off things was extremely important to me, especially as getting pregnant took longer than we thought and was very emotionally draining. Even though I wasn't physically involved in the process, I just had to be there for her at a potentially very important moment in our lives. Hugs to you both and good luck!
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@Shutterbug: usually I feel like you did about it. I guess since it's our anniversary this month I feel a bit abandoned having to make an overnight trip to see a new midwife alone. Either way it's not an ideal way to spend the anniversary, but I thought she'd at least want to be together.
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I definitely don't think you're being too sensitive. I had a friend who took 5 or 6 IUI's to get pregnant and her husband was adamant that he attend all of them. He said that even if they couldn't concieve in the traditional way it was still really important to him that he be there when his child was conceived and that made total sense to me. I would talk to your wife about how important it is to you, and maybe try to get her to help you understand why it doesn't seem to be so important to her.
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How tight are you on money? Could it be she is also worried about money? I'm the breadwinner of our family and when money was tight for us, I had to make choices that saved us money.
Since you are on clomid, I've heard it could make you emotional. (I was on Femera for my IUIs, but did not have any bad side effects. I did try Clomid once and hated it because of the dizzy spells.) I would definitely talk to your DW. Early on in our IF journey, we had some unresolved issues from our wedding because MIL was a very difficult with the choices we made (luckily, things are much better now). Anyway, add that with the stress of IF treatments and we didn't communicate as much and then fighting. We ended up taking a break from TTC to see a marriage counselor. It definitely saved our marriage. I certainly don't want anyone to go as far as we did. So communication is key.
Another thing that I can't relate to but it's possible is that could she feel any jealousy that you get to be pregnant and she does not. Maybe she feels like it's easier to be away and at work instead of being at your appts. Might explain why she makes time to see her dad but not go to appts. Like I said, I don't know what it's like to be in a same sex marriage but I would definitely talk to her. Best of luck to you and your DW. Hope your IUIs work.ETA: I agree with @shutterbug that for my IUIs, my DH dropped off the sample and then I came in an hour or two later and had the IUI. So I was alone for the actual IUI. With having an IUI, there are a lot of appts. I would make a list of them and tell your DW which ones are important ones that you would like her to make.
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I don't think you're being overly sensitive! It would bother me without any meds in my system! I think an occasion like this, being together is more important than $ (unless you are super, super, super tight). I hope your talk with her goes well!
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@bluestriped bee: Money is definitely the main issue. I can pretty much guarantee there's no jealousy. She has no desire to be pregnant. I think the appointments make her uncomfortable. But mostly it's money. At the moment I feel like this month it's worth the loss in income. I just wish she did too. She'll definitely come if I tell her I need her to, I guess I would just rather not have to always be the one saying she has to miss work.
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We needed up having so many appts for IF that DH did not always go with me, including IUIs. But it didn't really bother me (and ours was in town).
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I don't think you're being overly sensitive, especially since it'll fall on your anniversary. I agree you need to talk to her, and stress that it's important to you. There are definitely times when I've had to just be frank with DH: "Right now I need you to prioritize me over work; it's important to me", because sometimes he just doesn't get it.
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@2farmmoms: In that case, I would make a list of the appointments and maybe circle the ones you would like her to make. Saving up to make it to the IUI one and missing out on the earlier monitoring ones could be something you both could agree on. Sometimes you have to spell it out to our partners.
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@lovehoneybee: yes. This. I hate this. But I agree that you're right. I just wish I didn't have to say it! Why doesn't she just get it? For those of you out there who thought it was just men, fear not. Women can be clueless too.
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@2farmmoms: I totally get it, I think I would feel the same way about it if I was gone overnight and it was our anniversary. At that point, it's more important to be sensitive to your partner's feelings than to be practical. I hope she comes around and decides to come with you. Good luck, and happy (early) anniversary!
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I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I think you just need to sit down with her and explain that you would feel much more supported if she attended.
How far away is the clinic? If it's nearby it probably won't take too much time away from work. You mentioned that she might be uncomfortable being there, I would try to find out what specifically is making her uncomfortable. Maybe that can be addressed too and help the situation.
Hugs! I know how stressful these procedures can be.
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@2farmmoms: I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I would most definitely feel similar and don't think you're being overly sensitive at all.
I don't think you need to be confrontational in any way to her, but maybe just saying something along the lines of, "I know that it's a super busy day at work, but I need you this month. This is all starting to take a toll on me, and I need some support from you on this day. I know it's uncomfortable for you, but it is for me too, and would like to do this one together." That way, it's point blank telling her that you need her this time around rather than her assuming you don't need her.
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@winter_wonder: sadly, 5 hours. So it's an overnight trip.
@2PeasinaPod: This totally makes sense. I need time to cool off and get it in perspective and then I'll be more reasonable with my approach. At the moment I feel like pointing out all the things that are wrong. With everything. Haha! Not a healthy approach!
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@2farmmoms: wow, that's quite a distance. I can definitely see how you wouldn't want to make the trip alone.
Would you feel comfortable taking a friend instead? I know it's not the same, but it would be nice to have at least one person there to support you.
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@winter_wonder: I could have one of my parents go with me. They wouldn't be there for the appointment, but could help with the drive and general support. They would be happy to go and it would be a nice trip. I think this month, it would just make me more sad that I'm spending our first anniversary with my parents instead of my wife! It will definitely be a solution for the future though, if needed.
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@2farmmoms: Ha! You sound exactly like me. I know it's super hard, but when we were going through our multiple miscarriages and I was going on and off hormones, I knew I was acting crazy. I would try to calm down and remember that my husband had absolutely no idea what it felt like to go through the procedures, the hormones, the crap that I was going through, and he was just trying to help and be supportive. A lot of times, he thought I was fine and I was going absolutely out of my mind.
I also had to remember that he's not a mind reader. Yes, I wanted him to want to come with me, but if I said I was fine, he was going to take that for face value and not probe deeper. I couldn't fault him in that. There were times where I had to just tell him, "I need you for this one. I'm feeling super anxious, and feel like I'm going out of my mind and just need you there to hold my hand." He was cool with that...he just needed me to tell him when I needed him because he didn't know what it was like going through this hopped up on hormones.
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@2PeasinaPod: totally makes sense. And I'm super guilty of saying things are fine when they aren't. It's often easier to just let things go, which works sometimes but I need to be better about speaking up when it's really important.
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@2farmmoms: And even saying something like, "I don't expect you to be a mind reader, but this one is on our first anniversary, and it's important to me that you're there to help support me..." may resonate with her to ask more often if you'd like her to be there. And her even just asking might make you feel better, even if you don't need her there the next time around.
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@2PeasinaPod: But what if I DO expect her to be a mind reader?! Just kidding. Good advice. I'll use it this evening.
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@2farmmoms: I mean...common sense says that you would love to be together for your first anniversary, but my DH doesn't always use his common sense
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I think your being reasonable, and although you have already received good advice here I just wanted to chime in and say yes I totally understand wanting her to want to be there.
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@2littlepumpkins: thank you! Sometimes it's nice just to get a little pep talk! I'm spending my work day thinking (probably over thinking) about what I'll day this evening about it. I just wish this whole ttc journey were over. It's so stressful.
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@2farmmoms: I dont think you are overreacting. Every routine OB appointment after you are pregnant, no, but DW certainly attended my IUIs. I can understand why you would be hurt - I would be too.
I highly recommend telling her just what you wrote here. I feel like it should be a priority for her. Good luck.
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Well, I'm a big wimp. Last night I was just too tired and emotionally drained to start that conversation. I was all set to do it this morning but DW didn't wake up before I left for work. I wrote it all down in an email, though, mainly to get my thoughts organized. I have a hard time figuring out how to say things without writing it down. I think the email is clear, honest and non confrontational. I was thinking I'd just use it for notes, but given that today is Thursday, she works late tonight and I work early tomorrow, and the iui might be Friday night, I might just send the email. I feel like I'm making excuses to not do this in person but I actually think it might be better received via email when she has time to think and not just react (defensively). Is that horrible?
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@2farmmoms: not horrible at all - I often email my DH with my feelings because its hard for me to start the convo - once the email has been read though its easier for us to talk about it together
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@2farmmoms: I don't think it's horrible. Maybe just start off by saying that you wanted to tell her this in person, but it seems like your schedules aren't working out, so you just wanted to let her know how much you need her.
Lots of luck with the IUI on Friday, and happy first anniversary
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@Mamaof2: Oh I'm so glad to hear I'm not alone in this. It's nearly impossible for me to start the conversation, and because she's the same way, we can go days with awkward silence before one of us (nearly always me) finally brings whatever it is up. I always feel like mt thoughts are jumbled and impossible to clearly articulate until I write them down. And even then, it's still hard to transfer from paper to oral communication.
@2PeasinaPod: this is exactly what I said. Thanks for all the support and fingers crossed this IUI is it. It would relieve a TON of stress if we didn't have to do this monthly anymore!
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I think email might be a good way. I used to get distracted by their side (not that their side doesn't matter but the whole picture is often needed before they say but, but, but) and trying to reassure them. When I was dating dh we wrote each other letters and it helped us both become better at having big discussions face to face.
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. There's tons of changes mentally and physically that occur during this process and your partner should be checking in with you regularly in a convincing way. I agree she can't be a mind reader but she also needs to learn how to support you during this process, so it's an important discussion to have.
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@Maysprout: Yeah, exactly. In person I find myself qualifying things, discounting my feelings, etc even if she hasn't said anything yet! (And this is my issue, always has been, has nothing to do with my DW other than that we are similar in our avoidance of conflict) It's much easier for me to be clear and concise in writing.
I highly recommend telling her just what you wrote here. I feel like it should be a priority for her. Good luck.
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