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Hmm...DH works full time, plus works Saturday nights as a server. I pay all the bills and keep us organized. I take care of LO mostly, but when he is home he will step in. He does little things around the house here and there but since I'm a SAHM I pull more of the weight as far as household duties.

We both work full time. I work 40 hours (for the most part) where as he works 50+ a week, though. But I pretty much do all the laundry, shopping, cooking and bill paying. He does clean the bathrooms, but only when I ask him, otherwise I do all the other cleaning. Now at 25 weeks pregnant, it is getting harder for me. I told him that he has to start helping out more. We haven't even begun, really, to clean out the office to make it the nursery. I am planning on after Christmas having a serious talk with him about him helping out more and at the same time I have to let things go more. If he cleans the kitchen, I need to not complain when it isn't done how I want it done, at least he did it.

@MrsTiz: One more thing that I have noticed, is that the more I nag him about doing something the more and more he actually won't do it. So I've stopped nagging and I just started letting him do his helping chores on his own.

Can you suggest maybe while you cook dinner, have him do something helpful also? Maybe empty the dishwasher? go through the mail? Or vise versa if he would prefer cooking!

We are a team. He actually cleans and does more laundry then I do.
We both work full time.
I handle all the bills. And I get the kids to school and stuff like that.
But, we take turns doing the dishes, we put the laundry away together and all that.
We've made a conscious effort to work as a team.
I was in a previous marriage where I did everything and it was terrible. It was very taxing on the relationship. He's like that now with his current wife too.
My only suggestion is to be very open about how you feel. If he isn't told he won't know you need a change.

We do work as a team. Especially when one of us is down sick. Even my Dad mentioned how well we were working together when he and Mom were here for Turkey Day. I think we both know it takes work and we both try to do things so the other doesn't have to. This morning, though he was telling me he loves having 7pm to 8pm to play his game, it's his downtime. I told him, I'm so happy you were doing that while I was emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the kitchen and making baby food. It was silly and we just talked through that because really, half the time he is cleaning and I'm playing.

If he's not doing things or I'm not doing things and we think the other should, we try to have a discussion about it when we're not upset and not overwhelmed by it. When we're upset or overwhelmed, we always end up in a fight.

@mediagirl: you two sound awesome! I've been down sick all weekend, and man is our house a mess. I finally gave in a did dishes all last night, it was horrible, nothing was rinsed off and it was all starting to stink.....so I'm jealous of your teamwork!

Are there any chores that you can cut back on, and if he wants them done he'll have to do them himself? (Like laundry- maybe stop doing his, and if he wants clean clothes, he can wash them himself? Or cooking- just stop making real dinners, and if he wants to have nice dinners again he can either make them, or he can do other chores so that you have time to make dinner?)
I'm actually the less helpful one in my relationship, though I do feel like we're a pretty good team. We're both a little less resentful if we set aside times when we're both working on stuff- i.e. if he's making dinner for company and I'm cleaning up the downstairs for the same 30 minutes, and then one of us cleans up after dinner while the other puts the baby to bed, and then we're all done and we watch TV together or something.

We are a team now. It took a year or so of living together and several fights to work everything out, but now it's great! Communication is really what helped us reach this point. We talked about out expectations for each other until we found a nice balance. We do still get annoyed with each other though. I get annoyed when he takes too long to clean the litter box and he hates that I never bother to replace the toilet paper roll. Also just because we have separate chores doesn't mean we never help each other. Sometimes he asks me to weed eat while he mows the yard and sometimes I need help doing the dishes. I try to tell him that I appreciate how hard he works for our family and he tells me the same thing. He praises me every night for the dinner I cook (even if its crap) and I love hearing that. It keeps me motivated.

Wow, that's tough, I'm sorry to hear that!!

We are a team for sure... even though he works the "stable" 40+ hour a week job, but I am self-employed and have a much more flexible schedule. He still helps out with the cooking, cleaning, laundry, dog walking... I honestly don't know how we would manage if he didn't do his part! (The house would be a hot mess) There is nothing that I am solely "in-charge" of, that he doesn't also do on occasion.

Have you sat down and talked with him about it? That's usually the first step. He may not even realize how lopsided it is for you.

As for us, we have a pretty good team. One thing that is a little frustrating is ever since we combined finances into one account and one budget, he never ever looks at the bank account or the budget. So I feel like if we end up having a tight month and need to watch it, I have to tell him and then I feel like a babysitter telling my husband not to spend any money. So I wish he would take a little more responsibility with keeping himself informed about our household finances. I have talked to him about it a few times, but he just doesn't. So I guess I'm in charge of money

Otherwise, since I've been pregnant, DH has taken on pretty much everything while I cook the baby He now walks the dog, takes out the trash, does dishes after dinner, does the laundry (I sort and fold, he carries it down and does the loads), cleans the bathrooms (when I ask), and handles the dishwasher. It's a pretty sweet gig for me...

We work as a team. We both check in on our finances, but i take after the overall budget and he makes sure there is money in our account. I am on mat leave, so for now i do a bulk of the house chores and cooking but he will look after the garbage, recycling, shoveling, yard work, and vacuum when i need him to. He will also look after the weekend grocery shopping and dinners. I designated bath time to DH, during which time i will do the dishes. i felt that it was important that he still do some chores while i am on mat leave because i didnt want him to assume things would be the same when i go back to work.

Have you thought about automating your bills? All of our bills get withdrawn from our account automatically so we never have to worry about overdue bills. I would probably have a heart-to-heart when i am not feeling emotional, and talk about the best way to split the housework while acknowledging each other's schedules. DH works longer hours, and hates certain chores so i was willing to compromise. In the beginning after we moved into our new house (before pregnancy and baby) DH said he would rather have a list of what i wanted him to do for the week, and i wouldnt nag him as long as it was done by the weekend. In the end, becoming a team doesnt come naturally and it really happens over some sort of discussion...and if things start to fall apart you talk again. It isnt fair to yourself or your DH to stew and be miserable about your current state.

@MrsTiz: I think this goes back to Mr Bee's "cleanliness threshold"...I think that's what he called it. I totally am not bothered by dishes in the sink and pretty much only load the dishwasher when we run out of bowls! If I need a pan, I just wash it by hand. Maybe that's part of the problem--he just doesn't notice/mind when things get messy as quickly as you do? I'm sure there are other factors at play, though.

*For the record, we always rinse dishes after eating so even with a sink full they're not caked with food or anything--that would gross me out.

@MrsTiz: What a goof.

You mentioned that you thought more people would have this problem, and I think plenty do, but I also wonder if it may be somewhat correlated with age- or more accurately, having lived alone before? I know you and your husband are younger than many other bee couples, so wasn't sure if your husband had ever lived on his own before? My husband moved into an apartment his junior year of undergrad, and lived on his own or with roommates (but not the kind that were going to do any of his chores for him!) for 6 years before we moved in together, so by the time we were living together, he was used to doing his own laundry, cooking for himself (and others, since he found that he liked hosting dinner parties) and cleaning up after himself in the kitchen, cleaning his bathroom, managing his (limited grad student) budget and other paperwork, taking care of his dog on his own, etc. I think it would have been much more of an adjustment for us if he hadn't been so accustomed to being on his own and having to do everything himself for several years.

We're a team, but it doesn't mean we don't still argue about stuff. We have a division of duties. He does outside work/trash/recycling and I have laundry/grocery shopping, and most of the cooking. We both kind of tackle dishes and picking up and we (thankfully) have a cleaning lady that comes every other week to do heavy cleaning. With LO, in the beginning I took on most of the extra duties and he really expected it becuase I was home on maternity leave. That bugged me. Now that I'm back at work, he does help a lot with her but I still tend to do a bit more. I work more hours that DH and we make equal salaries.

The thing I do with the laundry is I will fold it, but not put it away. I leave the piles on his dresser and he can take care of that. I laid down that law early on!

We're definitely a team. It helps that he's a neat freak though. We tag team and assign chores/bills too. He's in charge of certain bills, and I'm in charge of certain bills. He always does the laundry and I always do the dishes. But if one of us is unavailable, we'll do the other person's chore. I usually do most of the grocery shopping though cause he's clueless at the supermarket. He cleans the bathrooms (cause I hate cleaning toilets) and I always tidy up the kitchen.

In terms of taking care of the LOs, he's my son's main caretaker while I take care of my DD. It worked out because my son prefers his dad anyway.

What helped us was divvying up our responsibilities and holding each other accountable. There were times in the beginning of our marriage where I felt that it was very lopsided and that I was doing most of the work. We both work full time and I just felt like it wasn't fair. I had a talk with him and he understood where I was coming from. There are still times when he gets lazy but if I remind him, he usually gets his chores done. I also give him ALOT of free time to do his own things so he doesn't complain.

We are definitely a team now...there was definitely an adjustment period when we first started living together!

i consider us to be a "team", but that doesn't mean that we're 50/50. i don't think any couple is ever 50/50. i mean "team" in the sense where we've generally accepted each other's responsibilities, strengths and weaknesses. it took a long time to get to this place and it doesn't always go smoothly.

i do all the meal planning and cooking, 99% of loading/unloading the dishwasher, making sure the home is stocked with necessities, tidying up and putting things away, and a good portion of the laundry.

he does some of the laundry, takes out the trash and recycling, and takes the dogs out 3x/day for their walks. i consider the dog responsibility to be huge.

our bills are on autopay and we have a cleaning service every other week. the last part is critical, because i like things a lot cleaner than he does. while i don't want to be picking up after him all the time, i'm learning to accept that there are some things i am willing to do, without resentment, if i want them a certain way. i know a cleaning service is a splurge for a lot of people, but it is so worth it not to be fighting about and resenting the same things day in and day out.

like @honeybear:, i've also learned to let go of a lot of things. if he leaves his dresser drawers all hanging out in disarray, i let it go. i don't match his socks when i fold laundry--he can do it himself.

also, in general, i think i've just let go more of this vision i had of a "perfect" looking home. no one's coming to do a photo shoot.

it's definitely not an easy or short process figuring out household responsibilities, and i completely empathize with you.

We are becoming more of a team now that LO is in daycare. We both get her ready in the mornings. Then at night hell take her while I make dinner. After she goes to sleep we do chores from 8-9 and then it's relaxing time! It was worse when one of us was staying home because we both felt like we needed a break and would ever get any chores done.

Aww! You definitely have reason to be stressed-out, I really hope your DH realizes and steps it up a whole lot more. As for your comment about the laundry, I get you! DH never puts the laundry away. He will have them sit in bags downstairs for weeks and live off them instead of putting his clothes away! I know because I've tested it!

As for the dishes, I lost it a few weeks ago because he also never puts dishes away on his own! I've had numerous talks with him about keeping at least one side of the sink free of dishes (which he lets ferment) but he never does it. I told him that if he EVER wants me to cook for him again, he better clear the sink and clear away some counter space!

Right now, my job is to take care of LO (5 mo) and it really is a full-time job! There's no reason why I'd have to clean before cooking if I have a perfectly able man to help! /rant ;D