My husband and I are completely torn on baby #2. I know no one can tell us what to do. I know it’s ultimately down to our decision. But was anyone else out there so unsure either way? What did you end up doing, and how did you decide?
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@LKsmom: It can he such a difficult decision because there is no right or wrong. I guess (when it comes down to it,) do you feel like "someone" is missing from your family? My husband and I had difficulty getting pregnant the second time and he was ready to call it done with one. I, on the other hand, didn't feel peace about that and ended up telling him a few months later that I wanted to keep trying because I felt like there was someone out there I was "looking for." Little did I know that I was pregnant with my daughter.
I'm sure it's different for everyone, but that's how I knew. Deciding to stop after her was so much easier (even if I sometimes want a third tho it's not in the cards for us )
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This is us right now. We’re so happy the way we are, but do we add another and change the dynamic of the family? We’re starting to lean towards yes, only because my husband is an only child, but it’ll be difficult if we both change jobs this next year!
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One thing that sold me on #3 was keeping my niece for a couple days. It felt so right to have another little person and it let me know I could handle it (even if it wasn’t quite the same). I could have been happy with 2 (we didn’t have an easy time having #3) but now it just feels right to me even though the first year was hard. And I love the relationship the kids have with each other.
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I’m currently pregnant with #2 and just went through this debate...I wasn’t sure whether we as a couple needed another baby... I was on the fence a bit because with one, the kid fits into your existing life easier but with two you’re definitely living family life. But ultimately I wanted dd to have a sibling so that won out.
Edited to add: I read the following NYT article which explains some of what I meant about a first kid fitting into/becoming a part of your life: https://parenting.nytimes.com/relationships/only-child-marriage
There’s no wrong answer and nothing wrong with giving it more time to marinate.
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@LKsmom: so dh and I just had baby2. It’s so wonderful. We knew we wanted more than one so LO1 has someone to grow with and when we are gone(sorry to be negative) they have each other.
We are torn about having 3 but right now i am done haha. When both are crying, wont cooperate or I can’t seem to breathe it confirms it with me ha. But when all is going well and each day seems to get better- sigh I imaging just one more.... who knows what we will do
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We are one and done and we love our family of 3 (four with our dog!). I had a period of time where I felt like what is wrong with me for nothing wanting more (I had a really rough time with PPA) so that I had to work though along with the guilt of not giving my daughter a sibling. She is healthy, happy, and social. We'll be able to provide well for her and pay for her college. I think we've figured out a secret to a pretty happy family!
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@Elizabear: This is how we feel. My spouse for more sure than me from day one but I got there. We can provide our son (and ourselves) a very good life as it is. And we can continue to rescue animals which is important to me without having a strain on energy/time/money.
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@skiierchck99: Thanks for that link!!
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@LKsmom: I’ve heard the “do you feel like someone is missing from your family” test and I think it’s a good one. For me I realized my longing was to go back to when my son was a new baby - it was not longing to add another person.
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Flipped a coin.
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My husband and I always planned on two since we both have one sibling and grew up as part of a duo. It was a little tough to pull the trigger once we were considering a second because we live in a high cost of living area and our first is wonderful but emotionally high needs/sensitive, but we decided to go foreword. I appreciate having a sibling even more now as an adult than I did as a kid because I love that there’s one other person out there that had the same experience as me growing up and also, now that our parents are elderly, it’s help to have someone share in that experience (caring for our parents) with me. I’d want the same for my kids! Also, now that we have two kids who are close in age, I love watching them play together and it’s fun to watch them both develop as siblings as well as individually.
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@castilrm: yes, these were so many of the thoughts we had (though #2 is still cooking so it remains to be seen how they interact!).
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@crazydoglady: @wrkbrk: I do ask myself this question and honestly, I do not feel like someone is missing. I always imagined my life with 2 kids, but now that 1 is a reality, I feel complete.
@skiierchck99: This is an interesting article. Thank you for sharing! I am definitely giving us more time, but I need to cap the discussion or wondering soon. My daughter is 4 (will be 5 in May) and I don’t want a much bigger age gap than that.
@Elizabear: I lean much more towards feeling like we have this “perfect family” thing figured out (for us). I can relate to the PPA being a part of the decision. I struggle with anxiety, so the thought of worrying about another little human being scares me. It feels much more manageable to focus on one.
@Ms.Mermaid: 100% almost asked my husband to do this today. I have heard the key to making a decision is to flip a coin... not for the coin’s result, but you’ll know your answer when you see what you hope for when it’s in the air.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond! It has given me a lot to think about. Most of the time, my longing for another child comes from just wanting my daughter to be tiny again... to do it all over again with her. There are times where I do wonder if I want another, but they are much fewer than being happy it is the three of us. I know my daughter would be the best, sweetest big sister, and I do feel like I would love to see it... but that isn’t enough of a reason for me. I have a brother and we have never been close... I know sibling relationships can go either way.
It’s so hard. I know I would never regret having another child. Will I regret not?
I’m all over the place. Long story short, I really appreciate all of your experiences. It really may come down to flipping a coin.
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@LKsmom: yup - when I thought about leaving it to a coin toss I realized I wanted a second. I have no regrets.
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Wow I could have written this post and almost have several times! I’m in the same boat. DD is 20 months and life is so good. She is the sweetest, easiest, most fun kid, my DH and I are a total team and honestly, I feel so lucky that life is so easy. Right now, parenting doesn’t feel stressful at all. And I don’t want it to! That’s my main reason we will probably be done with one. I see my friends with 2 or more and they are frazzled and stressed all the time. My life is not like that all even though I work full time. I do realize DD will probably get harder so that’s another reason to stay. I also hated pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum even though everything was normal.
That being said, I feel a lot of pressure to have another, because that’s what people do. My husband would like another but is supportive of my decision. I do know that the stressful little kid years don’t last forever. My DD would be so cute with a baby and I like the idea of her having a lifelong support system.
My therapist asked me if the social norm was to have 1 kid, would I do that? As in, is it only society making me feel like I need 2, and the answer was close to yes. So that’s one way to think about it. I’m too afraid to tell most people we may stop at 1 because people act like you are awful.
This novel is to say we’re probably one and done but not 100% and I’m also all over the place.
Oh and I’m an only child and it’s totally fine. I’m happy, well adjusted and don’t feel deprived. I know sibling relationships are a crapshoot.
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@JJ2626: I can relate to so much of your post! And honestly, after I replied to everyone yesterday, I realized most of my responses were pro-one and done. I am not a patient person, so I think I would be doing my daughter and the second child a disservice. I think I thrive as a mom to one child... and would be a stressed, short-tempered mess with two. I truly think my desire for a second always goes back to just wanting to do it all over again with my daughter. I would do that in a heartbeat.
I also love hearing your experience as an only child. It does make me sad that my daughter will probably never have a sibling for vacations, family gatherings, etc. but I know sibling relationships can be complicated or even nonexistent, so it isn't enough for me to consider on that alone.
This thread helped me realize we are still probably one and done. I think for us, our marriage and relationship with our daughter is best as the three of us.
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We always knew we'd have two; any inkling/doubt/uncertainty about a third was gone when I had a surprise pregnancy
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@graceandjoy: LOL don't scare me like that
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I have a three year old (as of August) and almost seven month old. FWIW, since I often see people say the opposite, I found going from one to two easier than zero to one. Even though I'd read a lot and thought I was prepared for my first child, I was NOT at all, lol. Those first months were HARD. With my second, I knew what to expect, generally speaking. I also had the perspective of knowing how quickly the hard phases pass, because it does not feel like it in the moment. I was also more confident in my decisions, because I'd done a lot of it before. For example, we sleep trained my second way earlier, and that has made a huuuuge difference.
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@MrsSCB: yep, agree with all of this, and rah-rah yay sleep training
one of my son's friends moms has the same boy-girl/same age breakdown as us, and the other day she said to me something that REALLY hit home--that with her younger kid, whenever she was crying or something was wrong or upsetting or basically anything was not good, that as a mom this lady instantly knew what was wrong and how to fix it. All that stressful guesswork and troubleshooting was just almost entirely gone/negated. Something I also enjoy but never really took the time to appreciate before.
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@MrsSCB: @LCTBQE: I think these are good points to make and not really something I considered when thinking about going from one to two. In my mind, I imagine it being all of my stress multiplied x2 (which I am sure is also the case), but I don't think I gave myself enough credit to think I would probably have a much better handle on the care of baby #2 versus my daughter. Everything with her was/is new, but with a second, I would at least know what to expect and it wouldn't be such a shock.
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@LCTBQE: Exactly! And the earlier sleep training is life changing, I wish we'd done it with F. She's still waking once a night to eat, but now I can just put her in the crib awake and she goes to sleep on her own! Plus other people can put her to bed, too, without trouble.
@LKsmom: Yes, I definitely don't feel like it's double the work! Maybe the age gap makes a difference, too, I don't know. My son is old enough that we can talk things out with him and reason with him (to the extend you can do that with a toddler lol). I think, for me, the ability to communicate has made things a bit easier than if he'd been much younger.
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@cake2017: I also have a hard time not imagining a third when things are going well...especially because the time seems to be going even quicker with my second! I feel like she was just a tiny squishy baby two seconds ago, and now she's almost crawling and getting her first two teeth. But then in the tough moments, I'm like, "HELL NO" to a third... hahaha
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While my second just turned 4, I remember being in the same spot as you. My older son had just turned 2, and we were like if we're going to go for it, let's do it now (they're 3 years apart)... things were so great with 1 and it was getting 'easier' as he got older, etc.... BUT, we really wanted our older to have a sibling which is what it boiled down to. We thought a lot about them "having each other" instead of being "alone" -- all of these not being right necessarily, but how we felt as parents with siblings of our own. Obviously i'm SO GLAD we decided to go for it. Going from 1-2 was very hard for us in the beginning, but I'd say after a few months we got the hang of it. Of course it's hard having a baby, but like others said, having a baby the second time around was way easier, it was really all about managing the older child. But all the baby-stuff was more enjoyable (for me) the second time. Good luck!
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Just wanted to say that I don't buy the very culturally ingrained idea that you need to give your child a sibling. Sure, I know lots of people who are super close to their sibling(s) who can't imagine life without them, and that's awesome. But it also often turns out the other way - I think people just tend not to talk about it. My mom for example has a brother who is physically abusive to his immediate family and emotionally abusive to his extended family (despite the fact that my grandparents provided a very loving and nurturing home). She has had a lot of experiences of friends who've opened up and shared all the difficulties and pain that strained adult sibling relations have caused. And of course, oftentimes people just aren't very close, even if on the surface they get along.
I'm currently cooking LO2, I figure when she arrives it will make some things about LO1's life better and some things worse. Hopefully better on average, but definitely no guarantees. I mostly just wanted to have another little one to nurture and experience that close parent-child bond with (at least for now when they are little and love you!)
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I’m very glad we went for #2 (she’s currently 4 weeks old and our toddler is 2), but I have to disagree with others that the transition to 2 is easier than the first. This is WAY harder to me, and both of them were/are pretty easy babies! Caring for a toddler and newborn is just a huge mental load. There are benefits and “easy” parts of both ages that now we don’t get because we have both. There’s almost no alone time for me during the day because it’s rare they’re asleep at the same time (at least for a decent stretch) and my toddler definitely gets annoyed he can’t get my attention all of the time. Don’t get me wrong, this is what we wanted and I’m so happy to have them both, but it’s definitely not a guarantee it will be an easier transition the second time. Just go in prepared that it will be hard for a while and hopefully you’ll be pleasantly surprised when things go smoother than you thought.
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I’m currently 19 weeks pregnant with number 2. I didn’t necessarily feel like our family wasn’t complete or that we had to give my DD (3) a sibling. But my DH and I thought about how we wanted our family to be in 10 years (when my fertility is gone and the hard baby stage is over), and we decided to try for a second. Our DD is such a kind, empathetic kid that made the idea of having a second more appealing. But, we struggled for two years to have her and I wasn’t going to go to a bad mental place TTC again. Fortunately, we knew more and had the right meds this time and got pregnant 3 months after I got my IUD out. It’s a gift I do not take for granted. I am looking forward to hopefully getting to enjoy the baby stage more this go around. I have more support this time and more maternity leave.
I honestly think if our family was just the three of us, life would also have been pretty darn great. My DD made me a mom and I love the three year old stage right now!
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@annem1990: everything you said I agree with. LO2 is almost 3 months and I have a 2 year old. It’s harder for me at times especially trying to fit a daily shower, eating or just a break because they don’t nap at the same time. Holding on to the facts that it’s a season and I should try to enjoy as much as I can despite the difficulties.
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I love that this post sparked so much discussion. It makes me feel less alone! It feels like everyone around me is so sure about their family plans. Up until recently, I felt really sure we were one and done, but lately has been the first time that we have discussed another baby.
My husband brought it up last night and said he had been thinking about it that day. It's funny, because when he seems to be leaning toward a second, I have arguments for why an only child is better. When he leans towards an only child, I have arguments for why a second would be great. It is so confusing!
I'm sure it's different for everyone, but that's how I knew. Deciding to stop after her was so much easier (even if I sometimes want a third tho it's not in the cards for us )
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