How did/do you balance parenting with your SO? I'm BFing so he can't take over feeding. We have our laundry and cleaning done. But I still feel like I'm carrying a lot of weight at home. I don't know how to balance things or what to shift to DH to make me feel better about it. Have him wash bottles/pump parts? It's hard because I'm type A OCD and have to relinquish control. I've gotten better but still... He wants to put everything in the dishwasher and I don't think certain things can go in there but have to be hand washed. Ugh I don't know... (Can you sense the bad night with this post??)
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I feel like in the early days, if you are bf'ing, and particularly if bf'ing is hard, there really is no way for it to feel balanced. Not that he shouldn't try, but the sheer amount of time you must be physically attached to baby or pump is just so much. And it is so frustrating. But as baby is more efficient, and then starts on solids, he can help a lot more. I've got 2 kids now, so dh is on toddler duty, but with our first, the thing that helped me the most was having dh get up with baby after my first morning feed and getting to sleep or rest a bit more.
As for washing pump parts: yeah, you probably either need to let him do it his way or do it yourself. When I get frustrated doing a chore I think dh does poorly, I remind myself that it's my standard, not his, and that (usually) helps.
I'd say with our first, it took a solid 6 months to feel like we parented equally on the weekends (minus feeding). And even this time around, it's taken awhile for us to get back in a balanced routine.
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I don't think anything has to be hand washed! We have a dishwasher rack for lots of things. Don't micromanage or you'll really end up overloaded! You can totally delegate cleaning and laundry and diaper changing and food making.....I feel like because I get stuck breastfeeding, DH has to pick up where I was mid chore.
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I feel you, girl. I'll say two things:
1) Agree with @Jess1483: it never felt balanced for me early on, even though both of us were busting our asses. I felt like I was drowning in all things baby! And my LO is only 7mo--and it's already 100% better. (I'm still nursing, but we both WOH full time so there's a lot of pump stuff.
2) Also agree with @blackbird: I have a PISA and everything can go in the dishwasher! Get yourself one of these (http://www.amazon.com/Munchkin-Deluxe-Dishwasher-Basket-Colors/dp/B000RI8Y30) and even the little parts are safe on the top rack.
You guys got this--and it will get better!
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I had him make sure the house was generally picked up, help with laundry, vacuum, do dishes. I still washed all pump parts/bottles, but he would load/unload dishwasher. I also cooked, but he cleans up. I agree--throw those parts in the dishwasher! Rarely did we ever handwash anything if we could avoid it.
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I think early on its very hard for it to be balanced. But I found it gets better as the baby gets older. Dads don't always realize everything that has to be done. It used to get on my nerves, but then I realized they are totally wired differently. You have to tell them. After I exploded a few times my husband got it. Even if your husband doesn't do it your way, let him! Also, I put everything in the dishwasher now and add the sanitizing feature.
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As far as baby duties, can he do diaper changes, get baby dressed & baths? My DH would also get up in the night to help me out. In the early days, when they pooped at night, he would get up and change diaper then give baby to me to feed. He was always there to help my out in the middle of the night if I was struggling too. That made me feel like things were more even.
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Girl, DH and I just had this conversation today. I told him I was feeling resentful that so much was on my shoulders (and both of us are on summer break right now.) I told him that I needed some alone time or I would explode. So, he took the baby to his mom's for a few hours. I watched "Mystic Pizza" and did nothing. He said I need to tell him specifically what I need from him and not just insinuate. I get it in my head that he is doing me a favor for each diaper change, etc. I don't know why.
One thing we did is make the first night feeding his, so I pump a bottle during the day. Getting more uninterrupted sleep has been huge. Suffice to say, I am right there in the trenches with you -
How old is your LO? In the very early newborn stage (0-3 months), most of the duties fell on me. I too was BFing and I was home on leave while DH went back to work after a week. So, I cooked, cleaned, BF'd, etc etc. To my DH's credit, he offered to get up with me motn and change diapers at least, but at first I didn't see the point of both of us being up motn. That soon changed, though!! After a short while, I gladly took him up on the offer to get up and change diapers!
As far as housework was concerned, unfortunately that did and still does fall on me, even after I've gone back to work. Granted, I work part-time, so it's natural that I'd do the cooking and cleaning. It can be annoying, but I do see how hard DH works to provide for us, so I try to bite my tongue.
Hang in there! The early days are so, so hard. And I agree, throw it in the dishwasher if it's safe! Get one of those dishwasher caddies that you can throw the little pieces/parts in and it will be a lifesaver. You just have to let go of the control, unfortunately. I am a bit type A myself but quickly learned to welcome help. -
Totally agree with everything that has been said. Its hard to be balanced with one LO. When you have two kid things even out more because DH takes the toddler while you BF the baby. We just had our second a month ago and while it has of course been hard for me it has been much harder on DH because he has had to do more than ever. For me, with one I was busy 24/7 so now with two I am still busy 24/7. For him it was like going from being busy 18/7 to now 24/7
With the first LO DH would change diapers in the middle of the night and then bring me LO so I could nurse. That let me stay in bed which was helpful. We also had a system where I would do her last feed around 9:00pm. Then I would pump at 10:00pm. DH would stay up until midnight and give her the milk that I pumped at 10:00. I got much longer stretches of sleep this way.
Also- being OCD/typeA I totally get it, but that really has to go away once you have a newborn. Its painful and so hard because its who you are, but its too hard to not have help. Before I had kids someone once told me that the fastest way to lose your help was to criticize. This women was a working mom with 4 kids in a high power job. She said that she did her best never to criticize anything her husband did with the kids, even if their diapers were on backwards. I try hard to follow this advice (often fail miserably, but I try)
Lastly I just want to say HUGS to you. Its so hard, but try to remember its temporary. It gets easier. I quit pumping at 13 months and it was life changing. Not washing all the parts, and having an extra 2 hours everyday was surreal and amazing. -
@LindsayInNY: agreed that in the eary parts, their infancy, it's nearly impossible unless you're pumping bottles for him and handing it all over. otherwise baby is on you or looking for you. cherish it while you can, and when you know baby is fed and dry, hand 'em over for a break! even if it's short-lived.
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@Jess1483: That was basically my conclusion by the time I went to bed - that it's gonna be more work for me right now but down the road it'll be able to change.
@blackbird: I need to get over it and just put larger items and things like pots and pans in the dishwasher. I feel like it'll ruin them though!
@mfa_lady: I didn't know pump parts can go on the top rack! I've been using the steam bags recently.
@matador84: I cook but I'll have to get on him more to clean. And he will unload the dishwasher so maybe that's another good reason to put more in it?!
@Mamasig: Yes! You're so right about not realizing. We went to bed and I acknowledged that I need to start asking more too and not assuming.
@mrskc: He'll get up in the middle of the night to change her and so I can pee before nursing. Except now LO doesn't wake up in the middle of the night so it's just me and my pump! (LO's head is big enough for your headbands now - she wore one yesterday!!)
@simplyfelicity: It probably doesn't help that I just spent a week with baby and my parents so feel like I desperately need help and a break!
@BabyTsMom: She's 6 weeks. I think I'm just panicking about how it'll be when I'm working too! I just need to relax and ask for help when needed and let go of the rest...
@TiredmommaMD: You're so right about the criticizing! I keep telling myself it doesn't have to always be done my way and that my way isn't necessarily the "right" way either! I know it'll get easier to give DH more things to do as LO gets older so it's just dealing with it for now...
@rosegold: I just need to keep reminding myself that it is short lived he'll have his time!
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You'll get into a groove. Just communicate and say look I need you to wash bottle and pump parts but the need to Be hand washed.
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A lot of good tips but I just wanted to mention that the first few months with LO1 were the most testing months of our marriage. You're both trying to learn this new way of doing things and sharing tasks, all while sleep deprived, anxious and hormonal. When LO2 was clming, DH and I made a pact to just keep talking no matter how irrational we thought we were being and to forgive each other for anything that was said. So far it's been so much smoother. Hang in there and just know this is a new normal and it will make you stronger in the end.
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Can your husband take over the nightly bath and bedtime routine? This might give you a little downtime and/or time to do things around the house.
I also have learned I need to be very specific with my husband when it came to tasks.
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Make a list of things that are overwhelming to you and maybe he can pick a few things to do a day. Whenever you're feeling especially overworked, take him up on even an hour or 30 min break to yourself! It really works wonders.
I agree about the type A dishwashing battle. We had the same thing going on over here but we came up with a game plan and I've finally relinquished that the only things that really really need hand washed are nipples to bottles and everything else goes in the dishwasher after a soaking.
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I figured one of us should be well rested, so I have always done all the night time stuff. I know some couples who split this up though--one partner giving a bottle or doing the burping/changing of the diaper.
In the newborn phase, the biggest help was picking up dinner time duties. He would make dinner and do all the dishes. He also did/does a lot of diapers. I watched him one time and was amazed by the amount of wipes he uses, but I kept my mouth firmly shut! Since it's harder to get around when constantly nursing, he'd always ask what he could do for me--fill up the water bottle, get a burp cloth, etc. I know you're in a city mouse and it's summer, but I had my baby in January. Sometimes I would ask my husband just to take me for a drive so I could easily get out of the house for a little bit. And he took the swaddling duties very seriously and would get her situated just so in her napper.
A few times, I would go to bed and he'd stay up with the baby, bringing her up to me after a few hours or so. It helped me to relax and get right to sleep knowing someone else had an eye on her and could settle her if there was something else past hunger keeping her awake.
I also found getting out for a breather was huge. Having your husband say, "Go, I've got this," so you can have time just to yourself, even if it's for a quick outing or a bath, can be really, really helpful for your sanity and balance.
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I agree 100% with @Happygal I think we have the same DH.....wipes and all....lol
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@LindsayInNY: what's left after having the cleaning done and the laundry done? I would make a list and figure out what you can and want to relinquish and talk through it with your husband. I agree with the others that just the feeling of being attached 24/7 with nursing can make things feel overwhelming. I think when you make a list, it'll help you organize your thoughts.
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@LindsayInNY: girl, it's so tough at first. I think things got a lot better at 10/12 weeks. T stopped needing 45 minutes to eat, now she's down to less than 10 minutes. Honestly I really enjoyed cooking, going to the grocery store alone, doing laundry during the early days. It was nice to hand off the baby and feel useful. M was great at keeping the house picked up, washing everything bottle/pumping related. I learned to be really clear about what I needed from him. But at 6 weeks I think you are always going to be disappointed if you want it to feel balanced, it's not, especially when you are bf. Give it time, delegate, don't keep score, enjoy those cuddles.
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@LindsayInNY: have him do diaper changes, baths, putting her back to sleep, etc. there are lots of things he can do that have nothing to do with BFing.
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It was really unbalanced for us until DD was about 6 months old and started solids and nursing less. DH on the early days would bring baby to me In the MOtN for feeding and did motn diaper changes. He was also responsible for getting her up and dressed in the morning. On weekends, he would take her downstairs after morning nursing so I could sleep in. It's so much easier to share as they get older and rely less on nursing!
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Your laundry and cleaning are already done...and your 6 week old sleeps through the night? Dang.
I'd say just take a deep breath and elther wash the stuff yourself, or, if your husband doesn't want to do things the way you want them done, accept the fact that he's gonna do it his way.
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@Happygal: Haha, so true about the diapers!! I stopped looking at how he changes her because all that matters is that he is!
@Applesandbananas: Just little things around the house - dishes, etc.
@youboots: Oh man, I can't wait until feeding only takes 10 minutes!
@Turd Ferguson: Well, we pay for cleaning and laundry to be done to make things easier and not have to do them on the weekend. I need to let him just do things his way because at least it's getting done!
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At 1 month, DH did last feeding before bedtime (around 1030pm) and got up with the baby and did the first morning feeding (around 730am). I did all the MOTN stuff. We also assigned tasks to DH - bottle and pump parts washing (I walked him through how I needed it done - hand washed then microwave sterilized). Dishes and laundry and garbage was also all him but I never said anything about how he did that stuff. Between the time he came home and when he went to bed, DH did all diapers and was in charge of DS' bathtime.
I just told DH to be cognizant of stuff. Like if a cup is in the sink or a hamper is full, if he didn't do it, it was going to fall on me, so if he wanted to help me out, be proactive about stuff or I was going to get pissed. I said it to him when I wasn't upset about something, it was more like a warning.
Usually after the baby's bedtime feeding at around 7pm, it was me time. I would take a long shower, I would leave the house (bc DS was a colicky baby who screamed from early evening until 1am or later and I needed a break), and usually just wander Target or the store or a drugstore and mindlessly buy things. I would come home and pump and zone out at the computer while DH had the baby and then I'd be on duty after 11pm when DH went to bed.
It does get better!
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DS was formula fed so it was much easier for us to divide the work early on. It will help if you try to relinquish ocd tendencies. There is only going to be more work as time goes on and you'll never feel like you're getting a break if you are always hovering over DH wanting things to be done a certain way. No one will ever care for your LO the same way you would, but that doesn't mean they are doing it wrong. Also, go out somewhere! Leave the baby at home with DH and go to the movies or the salon.
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I am super OCD too about cleaning and the state of our house, so it's been a HUGE learning curve for me to be okay with the state of our house, sometimes.
During maternity leave, I felt like I pretty much was a milk cow and DD was either eating, or napping on me so I could do very little. So the way DH helped was just to help me with everything else. As LO gets older, it will shift. Most days, I def still do most of the parenting, so I just learn to let go of a bit more of the house work to DH. But like I said, as they get older, it will be more balance! When DD got older and DH can put her to naps, play with her (as her feedings spaced out), then I had free time to do things too.
Just need to keep constant communication with each other in terms of expectations etc. These babies change all the time and there's always something different everyday that it's been an important learning lessons for us to be mroe fluid/adaptable and just know that some days, no one wins and everyone's just tired
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I think moms like to control the little things as a way of channeling anxiety about the bigger things that we can't control. Like trying to keep little humans alive. But as you let go a little bit and realize everything will be ok no matter how the bottles are washed, it will get easier and more balanced. I would give him 2 or 3 more things that he can just do without asking every day.
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The beginning is so hard! I gave my husband specific tasks that he did without me asking because I felt like I was constantly nagging him to do things. He did the laundry, took care of the diaper genie (and still does two years later!) unloading/loading the dishwasher. It also helped that when I was nursing he would bring me water or a pillow or snack. I think for my husband, he felt helpless since I was nursing. Once we laid out all the tasks, he saw that he could do things and really took charge, and I took a step back from micromanaging
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