Hellobee Boards

I had my son at 32 weeks, and although it was all natural, I felt like a real failure for a long time (especially the 15 days he was in the NICU) about how my pregnancy ended so early. I blamed myself for the longest time, but looking back, I know how the events of my pregnancy lined up for what happened. I was/am really angry at the doctors that were supposed to be taking care of me.

In that, I learned from that experience, and I'm sitting here at almost 39 weeks with #2, dying to go into labor, lol.

It's ok to feel grief over it. But, you can also take what you learned to share your experience with other women, so that they might not have the same outcome, or if you have another pregnancy, you can strive to overcome and go into it much more prepared.

I'm so sorry :(. *hugs*. My birth experience wasn't terrible, but I go back and forth with whether or not I am pleased with how it went. I don't have any advice, but I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you!

For a long time after DS's birth I was disappointed, too. I had an episiotomy that took 6 months to feel normal, never mind work out or be as active as I would've been without it. After that I developed nerve damage, granulation tissue and a trapped nerve at the incision site.
DS was born with a collapsed lung. There was no immediate skin to skin, DH couldn't cut the cord. I couldn't have DS in my room at the hospital. I got really sick immediately after giving birth and needed treatment. So many things went "wrong". I was really depressed about it.

BUT
Now I don't think of it that way. I truly don't believe there is a right and wrong way to have a baby. Like every baby is different, every pregnancy is different, every birth is unique as well. There are no awards given for best.
Even my mom with me? She was in labor forever, had an epidural, eventually I was removed with forceps. My brother two years later? She had him within 20 minutes of arriving at the hospital, no meds, said she felt like she had stomach cramps all day, no time-able contractions (and he was a 10 pounder!).

I agree with @runsyellowlites - once you've been through it once, you will know what you're body is telling you next time. Everything you're feeling is completely valid. If you want to see another doctor for your follow up, do it!
(((hugs)))

I can definitely sympathize. I had a c section for pre-eclampsia and was put under general anesthesia so neither my husband or I were able to witness the birth of our son. We didn't find out the gender beforehand because we wanted to be surprised when I delivered, but obviously that dream never happened. It took me so long to bond with my son because of this. I also felt guilt over him being born early and having to spend time in the NICU, no baby should ever have to start out their life that way! However, over time (10 weeks later) it has gotten better and I just focus on my son and loving on him. I'd be lying though if I said it didn't hurt to read other peoples perfect birth stories.
I often wonder if my situation was really emergent and if I really needed to be put asleep and it is something that I will certainly question and fight against next time. Ultimately I have to believe that your doctos have your best interest in mind but at the same time, you need to advocate for yourself and make sure that you do all that you can in the future to get the experience you want!
I think now that you have been through it, you'll know what to expect for next time and be able to express exactly what you want and be able to question your doctors over your care!

I can sympathize to a point. My first delivery involved 3 failed epidurals and my second involved an accidental dural puncture which led to leaking spinal fluid during recovery. Even though both of my babies were born healthy and vaginally, both birth experiences were physically and emotionally traumatic for me. I think you are doing the best thing you can do by educating yourself about vbacs and what you want for next time, and a negative experience like this can only strengthen your ability to fight for what you want for your care during delivery. Could you switch doctors or even your OBGYN practice before your 6 week postpartum visit? you shouldn't have to dread talking to and seeing the doctor when you feel this bitterly about it. Maybe you could ask to see a different doctor in the practice, or a nurse practitioner?

@littlek: I feel you! I don't have any pictures of anyone holding DS in the hospital because they couldn't. I only have a few of me with him because I was sick, too.
We make up for it now, though. I take pictures of us every day

I still feel anger and disappointment everyday over my emergency c-section. I keep thinking over all the what ifs:
What if i'd chosen a midwife or birth center?
What if I hadn't listened to the b**** nurse that told me it was too early to push, despite that I had the urge?
So so many what ifs.

I joined the local ican chapter but i still cry everyday. Especially when read birth stories on here.....or see pictures of mommys with baby after the birth.

i'm sorry that you didn't get the birth you wanted. i can understand how disappointed you must feel. i ended up with a c-section with charlie and that definitely wasn't the birth that i planned. but i learned a lot from that experience, and i think it made me much stronger for my vbac with olive. hopefully you get the birth that you want the second time around!

fwiw my recovery from the vbac was way worse!

Commenting so I remember to reply once i put DS to bed!

I was *so* disappointed with my birth experience. We had fetal distress which resulted in an immediate emergency C-section. I never went into labor.

I was angry for months. I hated hearing "at least your baby is healthy" even though it was completely true -- Group B strep had spread to my uterus and we *were* lucky LO did not contract the infection as well. Due to the diagnosis, we stayed in the hospital for an entire week. When I talked to my OB about why the Group B strep had spread even though my water hadn't broken, she had no answers. She said that it was a mystery since the intact membranes should protect against infection. That really pissed me off. I wanted answers.

I was really bitter that everyone else had a great birth experience. I was angry at the doctor for not preventing it. I was angry at myself for refusing the elective induction several days earlier. I was upset that we never got to do skin to skin immediately after birth, or delayed cord clamping or any of the other things I had planned for. I wondered "what if" I had done this or that or whatever. I drove myself crazy.

For me, it got better with time. I think now that its been several months, I can look at some of the positive aspects of our birth experience. Even though it sucked being in the hospital, it made things easier in some ways. We got to see a lactation consultant every day. We had help from the nurses. There was no temptation for me to do anything but take care of baby, since we were staying in the hospital. I never went through labor and THEN the C-sec. I think that would have been even harder.

Hugs and I hope you find your peace soon.

Oh, babe. I'm so sorry. I know exactly what you're going through.

My daughter is almost a year old and I've been battling birth trauma and PPD from her birth too. My water broke but I didn't start contracting. I was induced with pit, had a failed epidural. I labored with no pain medication on the highest dose of pit they could give me because any time they reduced it, my contractions would stop. I fully dilated over just 5 hours. I pushed for almost 2 before they told me that I needed to be forceps-assisted because her head was crooked and wouldn't descend. I had to wait 5 HOURS for the OP to open up so they could do it, the whole time in unbearable pain. Then is was a spinal block, an episiotomy, forceps, shoulder dystocia, a distressed baby, a postpartum hemorrhage and all the while I was so delirious from the pain and drugs that I didn't even know what was going on.

Then, I had a fever at delivery so we were kept in the hospital for 5 days on tons of anti-biotics. I had a blood transfusion. My milk never came in due to a medical complication we didnt know about at the time, so I was dealing with my failure to breastfeed. I was re-admitted 2 weeks later for a uterine infection from retained tissue.... It was a mess.

I have so many regrets about her birth. I have so many things I still get sad or angry thinking about. I had immediate-onset, severe PPD because of everything I went through. I was told I even had some mild PTSD. I wish I had been a better advocate for myself. I wish DH had been more present and helpful during everything. I wish that I had said no to the epidural in the first place, so I could have at least gotten up and moved around.

In the end, those feelings are still there, and I think they always will be to some extent, but they do fade. They get easier to deal with. Talking about it really helps, even if it's just with a friend.

This is a fabulous website about birth trauma and dealing with it.
http://www.solaceformothers.org/

I'm hoping a guest post I submitted about a failed HBAC will be accepted, but yes, yes, and YES. I feel awful about both of my births, especially the birth of my youngest which was just a horror show all-around from the perspective of things turning out in a way that was planned NOT to happen. It does get easier, and the biggest help to me is/was focusing on what wonderful kids I have. They are such sweeties that my husband says we must at least be doing some things right, and their births I cannot change and there wasn't much else I could have done at the time. There are lots of us. Take solace in that, too.