I'd just smile and nod and graciously say thank you.
This thread has been closed.
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@Vegmama: Well you said you weren't in the camp of donating, so I assumed if you weren't going to use it or donate it, it would go to waste. Hence, if it's already made and it's not going to be used by you it should be used by someone. My opinion remains that it's impolite to dictate what others gift you if you aren't asked, so if you get something you don't want, someone should in fact use it. You can't force your beliefs onto others and you can only control your actions.By all means, do what you can do to leave your mark on whatever cause you believe in, but you can't force others to do the same. No idea why it's getting all aggressive in here. In hindsight, you probably could have asked the question without the vegan details and you would be getting the same responses...
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@Vegmama: Do you think maybe your family members feel like you are trying to force your beliefs onto them by dictating what kinds of gifts they're allowed to buy?
I don't think I'd do a preemptive list and if asked for one, rather than phrasing it that "We don't believe in/allow, etc" simply say "This is what she's into right now, and we don't need any clothes or shoes."
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@Vegmama: your mom sent a wish list for your sister, so she's not the grandparent that doesn't know how to online shop? Just the other three sets?
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@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: It was an email.
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@catomd00: I meant when it comes to non-vegan goods, I don't have the preference to receive whatever and donate it later. I WOULD donate non-vegan goods, but my preference would be to not receive them in the first place. I'd rather my parents and in-laws buy gifts that my daughter will play with. Instead of 6 months from now telling them that I donated the gift, and them being upset.
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@rattles: I was told by another user that someone posted about this on another site. I find that super annoying. Does my lifestyle really bother them that much? That overreaction had nothing to do with what the users here were saying, as I appreciate the feedback.
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If asked, share what you believe to be some good options for your LO and let that be that. I wouldn't even bring up your vegan beliefs, fwiw. I think most people are going to have a hard time being told that you find a book about tacos offensive to your beliefs vs. a pair of leather shoes. One is just more relatable/understandable.
They may ask you for ideas and you may provide them and at the end of the day they might buy her a pair of leather shoes. That's just the way it works sometimes.
I'd just smile and nod and graciously say thank you.
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@IRunForFun: That's why I didn't want to send a wish list. I'd rather them buy what they love. And, I prefer it not have leather. I think it's more they don't understand, and I was hoping a little note that they could refer back to would be helpful.
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I had a chance to read more of the comments, @Vegmama: I understand now about your aversion to donating the items. If people buy the animal-based goods, then the manufacturers will continue to produce them. Same thing when it comes to organic foods- people must buy them in order to get more types of organic products to market and at a better price.
A few other people already suggested having a conversation that details what is/ is not acceptable. I agree with them. One of my friends was vegan throughout college and she would just kindly remind us why certain products were off-limits for her, "That's made out of leather." She did have a Peta video in case any of us cared to watch it, but she advised me with the skirmish stomach definitely not to view it.
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@catomd00: Agreed about the details, but I thought the vegan piece was important. I prefer she not have a bunch of plastic toys, but that's just a preference and I would never tell our family to not buy them. The vegan thing is a very deep lifestyle choice, which is why I included it.
Basically, I didn't want to come off as ungrateful and like I was dictating. I just wondered how others deal with gift lists.
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@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: Never watch the videos!!!! Ha. Thanks for your perspective!! We'll mention the leather thing when they ask about gifts.
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@coopsmama: I was there when grandpa bought the book. He was so excited about it, and I figured we could change it to work for us. In that moment, I wanted him to feel that joy. I agree it's about choosing battles. Because they haven't done birthday or Christmas before for her, this is a learning year for all of us. After the initial tips, I know it won't be an issue.
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I would NEVER give guidelines for gifts. Just no.
Our church is partnering with a local chapter that places children in foster homes due to terrible social situations and it really struck me how so many of these kids are ripped out of their homes, usually with just the clothes on their backs and nothing else. My heart broke, broke, broke hearing about kids who had parents who just don't love them the way most people love their kids. If someone gives my LO a gift that doesn't work for her for whatever reason, or if she just receives too much when she already has too much, I'll be donating it to a place where it may be the only thing that child has other than the clothes they're wearing.
Sorry to get overly emotional, but sometimes we need to check ourselves
I am not trying to be holier than thou or anything, I've told my parents "no more toys" before for sure....But this just checked me, that's all.
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@PrincessBaby: My husband was one of those kids. I completely understand and practice donating and charity on a regular basis. I have the same thoughts.
The point is that veganism is more than the steak in front of you, or the leather on that one pair of shoes. It's all supply and demand, and it's a system I choose to not be a part of. If I request my parents don't buy my daughter leather shoes, that in no way correlates to me donating or not donating something to children who are less fortunate.
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@Vegmama: I haven't read all the comments but xmas and birthday wish lists are big in my family (including in-laws)!
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@Vegmama: If you want to send an email about the leather, then just send the email. I'm assuming your family already has some inkling of your views. But my opinion is that gift guidelines in general are just not right and come off as ungrateful and unappreciative.
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Wish lists in my family are also really big. My family hates spending money on something that someone is possibly going to not like. My mom told me in September what she wanted for Christmas. I do the same for her and the rest of my family. My brother has an amazon wish list he constantly updates. I would also personally prefer for someone to tell me what they want then thinking I wasted money. If someone wants to 'pick' something out, just tell them your guidelines and they can go from there. I personally don't think sending a list of items or just saying things you don't want is fine.
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@PrincessBaby: My family isn't rich, and if they are gracious enough to give our daughter gifts, I would rather them be something she can love and use. Does that make sense? Obviously, they have an "idea" of my views, but if they understood, I wouldn't have started this thread.
I'd rather give them a few guidelines (literally, two issues) instead of sending them a list of "approved things". It seems like it would take the fun out of it.
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I think you should just talk to your family members about your preferences. I talk to my own father about gift giving and I've asked my husband to do the same with his parents (we only do "guided" gift giving with our parents). Both sets of grandparents live in different countries so it is expensive to send things, and I don't want them wasting money on things we don't need. For me, it's not so much about being picky or holier than thou, it's about keeping down the clutter and not being wasteful.
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@Vegmama: I have that book in my shopping cart!
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@lamariniere: Well said! Thank you! Yes, we are not ungrateful or picky. I definitely don't think I'm better than anyone for making this choice ... It just is what it is. We just want to be thoughtful about our family's wallets. Thanks again!!
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@PrincessBaby: I think that is an interesting perspective, given our society's acceptance of wedding and baby registries.
I also question the attitude that because a person doesn't want something, for whatever reason, the "right" thing to do is to donate it to someone in need, rather than head off that behavior to begin with.
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@Vegmama: It seems like you have made your mind about sending the email so I would just go ahead and send it.
FWIW, I am also in the camp in a gift is a gift ( to be graciously accepted even if it isn't for you). I think we can all relate to the family member that consistently year after year is a crappy gift giver. My loss, someone else's gain.If they don't understand your vegan beliefs right now they probably won't get it after the list- if its not leather shoes, it could be a stuffed circus animal.. I feel like it would be hard to list everything you would prefer not to receive without seeming demanding.
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@Vegmama: I agree with you that is not being picky. I would just kindly send an email to relatives saying what is or is not acceptable. I think your guidelines are generic enough that someone can still choose a gift of their own choosing. Honestly, if I told my parents I was vegan they would have no idea what that would actually mean.
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I really do think it depends on the family. Our families dont buy a ton of gifts, and they want to know that they will used and well loved (i am speaking about our parents, not extended family). If they accidentally bought us something that was against our values and would just be donated they would be very upset, and wonder why on earth we didnt tell them.
Just another perspective....
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@Reese: Actually, I think from this thread, I've gathered that telling them on Skype next time we chat is a good idea.
I don't want to make a list of "approved items", because I think it'll take the fun away from them picking what "speaks to them". I'll just mention to them we don't do anything related to leather, circus, zoo, meat.
This thread is really long at this point, but I am happy it gave me a little direction.
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This thread had been closed at the request of the OP.
Thread Closed
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