Me and all of my cousins (3 of them) are currently pregnant, but one of them had a late miscarriage. She lives in the same city as we do, but we haven't seen her since the miscarriage. She was originally due two weeks after me, and my parents are coming for the birth of my baby and I feel at a loss about how to talk to her or interact with her—or if we'll even see her.
I wanted to hear from other bees about how they had dealt with similar situations.
grapefruit / 4120 posts
I appreciated the post that Jennimac did on this awhile back, and also got some good advice from her later on. When this happened to a friend, what I did was pass the message through family that I would like to do something for her, and was sad for her. Then, when I saw her I just said I was happy to see her and let her take the lead on talking. Sometimes even a very well intentioned expression of sympathy can take someone to an emotional place they don't want to go....
GOLD / wonderful olive / 19030 posts
Wow thoughts for your cousin! A miscarriage at all is a tremendious loss, however a late term one is even more devestating as there more time to bond with the baby.
In my case, my sisters were due within a month of each other. My younger sister lost the baby after 15 weeks & my older sister didn't know how to act as her pregnancy continued with no complications. Eventually she shared the just as she would before because even though it was hard for my younger sister, she wanted everyone to be included as our family expanded! My younger sister appreciated it and liked to be treated "normal"
apricot / 263 posts
I'm sorry to hear about your cousin. I'm going through something similar. My sister-in-law (my brother's wife) and I announced our pregnancies to my parents at the same family dinner, and we had the same EDD of 12/15. She just suffered a miscarriage; her 10-week appointment failed to show a heartbeat and she had a D&C yesterday.
I've been utterly at a loss about how to express my sympathy and love to her. (Complicating matters even further is that her own sister is also pregnant with an EDD of 12/8.) Like sloaneandpuffy did, I've mostly been communicating through other family members like my brother and mom. I'm also letting the SIL take the lead on reaching out, as I know she's getting a ton of emails and phone calls from friends right now, and she might very well prefer their company to mine.
I guess I'll just be prepared to take it day by day, as her emotional state will probably fluctuate a lot. I think I'll need to be especially sensitive around the time of our once-shared due date, and I'll understand if it's too painful for her to be around when my baby is born.
GOLD / wonderful grape / 20289 posts
When I miscarried I didn't want to talk or see people at first. I needed my alone time, time to just sit there and cry. That lasted a long time, months. When I felt ready I reached out to my friends. They didn't even know I was pregnant, and I was glad because I was able to keep to myself. But I did get really upset when dealing with other pregnant people or babies. Its nothing personal, its just hard for someone who just lost a baby.
I would send your cousin a card, maybe some flowers, and let her know you're sorry and you're there is she needs to talk. But then id leave it at that and let her make the next move. Like I said, she probably doesn't want to be around pregnancy or babies right now.
apricot / 403 posts
I'm currently going thru this. At the beginning, it was hard and I isolated myself. It's now been over 6 months since my d&c and it's still hard for me. I've been avoiding people who have gotten pregnant or announced their pregnancy after my m/c. Like a previous poster said, it's not personal. It's just hard to be around them, share in their joy, fake being happy for them and act kike i care when all I'd rather do is run away, bury my head in a pillow, or drink a few bottles of wine.
I've appreciated those who let me know they were there for me if I wanted to talk, but have also given me space and let me take it at my own pace.
pomelo / 5073 posts
@sloaneandpuffy: I'm glad my advice helped.
I still struggle with my miscarriage at 20 wks and it's been over 2 months. Like, daily struggle....sometimes it's a minute by minute struggle...right now is good/next minute is bad, but the good times are outweighing the bad ones. I think some acknowledgement is good, but what I told to sloaneandpuffy is that I would be having a good day and someone would say, "I just want to hug you" or "I'm still thinking about you" and it would bring everything flooding back. I appreciated the fact that they were concerned, but all they did was bring all my emotions back to the front of my mind when, for a few moments, I was doing okay with everything.
I would maybe send her something or let her know through family that you are thinking about her. Take cues from her and her family about how she is doing. I know at work, several co-workers would check with my best friend to make sure I was okay with talking about things or acknowledging it, etc. Everyone deals with their pain and loss in different ways.
Hugs and prayers for you and your cousins.....