I am so annoyed at my husband. He is so hard on our son about everything. He loves and adores him but he always seems to think that our son needs tough love. He says I am coddling him if I comfort him when he is screaming after he wakes up. He has two molars and two inscisors coming in. Everytime I take a shower I hear my son screaming and my husband saying "hush Tor. Stop it Tor. Stop fussing." In this stern tone. I have always wanted to parent my children in a respectful manner. I don't believe in letting him get away with hitting or being disrespectful or mean to other kids but I also don't think he is just acting spoiled every time he cries. My husband also got frustrated because he threw a tantrum at story time when he had to put the toys away but it was also during his usual nap time. He says I always have an excuse. I wish I knew how to deal with this. My husband is so old fashioned sometimes. He can be disrespectful of my feelings too. I don't know how to get him to come around and soften up a bit. I hate when i hear parents always reprimanding and shutting down their children. i know we all get frustrated at times but my husband thinks it perfectly okay and it makes me ill. Any suggestions?
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I'm guessing he thinks your parenting style is too soft? I'm sure there is a middle ground y'all can find.
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Its tough- these are basically opposing perspectives, although like @Leialou: suggested there must be some middle ground.
These issues aren't going to go away, if anything they will increase when your child gets older and requires discipline in different forms. It would be a really, really good idea for you guys to give couple's counseling a try. It can be a great opportunity for having these difficult conversations with a mediator present. -
Would he be willing to read any books on parenting or even books on toddlers/toddler development? It sounds like he might have higher expectations of what your LO is capable of--i.e. that he will calmly and quietly put his toys away when it's time, rather than understanding that a toddler might not WANT to put the toys away, and especially if they are tired/hungry/whatever, might tantrum in response. Maybe a book like happiest toddler on the block or something like that--an easy, quick read with lots of helpful tips?
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Maybe you can really make it a point to model calm, respectful behavior....and when he sees you getting better results than his way he might try it? I don't know. It's so hard! It's especially hard if he doesn't realize what he's doing is not jiving with you. I'm sorry!
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@Leialou: I want to find a middle ground but its so hard. He is so stubborn. I dont mind if he does tough love now and then but the fact that its always his default is so pitiful to me. I try not to overly coddle and to be firm when needed but my husband just has no middle ground.
@hilsy85: he won't read anything. He is as stubborn as an ostrich about his own theories or instincts and I do think they should play a part but I also want to see him learn to be a but more compassionate.
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@Ginabean3: thank you for responding. It does feel a bit futile right now.
@Silva: he won't go to therapy either. Surprise surprise.
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I do think there is a middle ground between you and your husband. Not saying you're doing this, because I'm not there to see it, but sometimes adults can play into toddlers' tantrums or crying and actually encourage it by overreacting to it. Just something to think about as I found that I was doing that a few months ago and I think it's probably pretty common especially as young toddlers are first starting to throw tantrums and figure different things out and what not. Your husband, on the other hand, maybe needs to watch for having too high expectations. Just saying "hush" doesn't mean much to a toddler. Consistency between you two would probably help create a sense of routine and security even moreso than T already has. Not saying it will STOP the crying or anything but it could calm things a little. We struggle with that (consistency.)
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This won't solve the problem, but it might help him be more sympathetic about the teething: http://turtletots.ca/what-a-childs-skull-looks-like-during-teething/
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@MrsMccarthy: Your husband sounds like mine in terms of stubbornness (not reading anything, no therapy...etc.).
First off, I would set some time to talk to him about this issue. Is he thinking your style is too soft? Is he afraid your baby is going to be spoiled? What does he dislike about your style? What is his ultimate fear? Then, explain to him why you don't think tough love works. Explain why you want respect and love in your family, not orders. Discuss what both of you could change. Try to be open and listen to what he has to say too.
Another thing is, if your husband is really like mine, provide him with facts. Medical research and facts are one of the few things that can change them.
For example, one time my husband and I had a heated discussion about LO's blankie. LO sucks on a blankie to sleep. DH was very adamant about removing the blankie (LO was 1.5 years old back then), claiming that it will affect his teeth alignment, causing him to have to wear braces later on (= lots of $$$). To me, it was very unnatural and one time, LO would not go down for a nap for a whole hour until I gave in and give him a blankie. So, I did a lot of research (eg. Freudian on oral stage, psychological impact on removing a lovie on a young age) and found a few articles that supports MY viewpoint (haha). I copied and pasted excerpts from the article and send it to him in an email. My friend's husband is a psychologist (literally working in a mental institution) and I also asked him on his take on the issue. He basically thinks it is not a good idea because psychological trauma is more difficult to deal with compared to teeth, in his latter life. I forwarded his email to my husband. Of course I verbally described to him my "findings". He somehow quieted down and never bugged me again with removing the lovie.
So I would do research and find articles that support YOUR viewpoint on why tough love doesn't work (especially on a baby!!), and how it could impact a person negatively especially when given at young age. I actually have read tons of articles myself so it shouldn't be too hard! And of course, those default "you can not spoil a baby" articles. Just find a strong one with scary language, like how it can have "negative psychological effect on someone when they became an adult and how it may affect their self esteem, causing them to not be able to succeed in life"... etc etc. then strategically copy and paste it to an email and send it to him. Then discuss about it. Maybe it may help.
Good luck....
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@googly-eyes: I agree that I could probably ease up a bit too but it's hard to be the only one doing any compromising. My husband is funny because I think part of it is honestly how he feels but another part is him being annoyed and that's what troubles me. He can be kind of childish about it sometimes.
@sarahbee: I posted it on his FB wall hahah
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@irene: thank you! That is all so helpful. I like that approach
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Could you sit him down at a neutral (i.e. not right after little man's tantrum) and talk about it? Let him know his comments and tone make you feel uncomfortable and acknowledge that the way you react to T's fits makes him uncomfortable. See if you can get specifics about what he deems "coddling". Then try and come up with a middle ground you could agree with: you won't do X and he won't do Y; you can both respond with Z words/actions.
I'd hope he'd be reasonable enough to work out a compromise like that. T is non-verbal, and only just realizing his autonomous place in the world. It's 100% typical for children that age to have tantrums or fuss - it's how they communicate their feelings.
But, you said sometimes he's not respectful towards your feelings either? Maybe you can do individual counseling to find strategies for how to help him hear your side?
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@MrsMccarthy: yeah I can see how that would be hard to deal with! Hopefully he comes around.
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Is there an impartial third party you guys could sound off your differences to? Not necessarily a "counselor" in title since he isn't interested in that, but there has to be a coach for parenting styles that could help find you guys a middle ground.
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My DH can be a little similar...not when B was that young but when he was 3/4 he was more harsh than I am and said I "coddled" at times. DH just doesn't tolerate whining and can become short with DS. Now that E, our daughter, is reaching the toddler stage, he isn't stern with her at all, if anything, he coddles her. I've talked to him about it and he said he feels as a male, he just wants DS to grow up to be an all-around good guy but he agrees that being harsh isn't helping. What's helped is getting them to do more activities together (I know T is too young for some of these) but for example, they'll put together a piece of furniture together or play race cars. DH isn't home often since he works a lot but getting them to do activities makes DH understand DS more (even when and why he gets upset).
Otherwise, I do agree with pp's that maybe a third party can help you talk about your differences in parenting, why you feel what's best, discuss better options and compromises.
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