Besides brushing it off as nothing and ensuring her that she looks wonderful, I'm curious as to what other mums would say and do in this situation. While wearing a new bathing suit your 7 year old daughter says something along the lines of, "I look fat. I have stomach rolls. It looks bad".
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I don't have a daughter but this is such a good read and really framed how I talk to my nieces.
https://www.littlethings.com/how-to-help-daughter-have-body-confidence/
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A girl in university, use to tell me she had rolls, I use to correct her and say it's skin you need it to bend. She use to then laugh and say yes I guess I do.
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@Coral: This is great and something I'm going to try to be mindful of with my daughter when she's older! Unfortunately, my mom does the opposite of this... She's always asking me how much I weigh, what my waist measures, etc. (even when I was pregnant).
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My daughter is younger, but she always says, "My belly is so big because I ate all my food, I must be growing!" and she tells me that I must be growing too since my belly is big. I think it's cute, but we are also mindful of not talking about being fat and talking about food as a way to fuel our bodies. I'm going to read the article posted above because I'm sure comments about this are coming.
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My daughter is 2 so we may not have to address this for a while but I'm going to read the article for future reference.
My niece is 10 and often comments on how big her belly is but she is overweight. Her mom just tells her that her belly is big too and she's fine, and I disagree with this. If it were my daughter commenting on her body and she was overweight (i.e. unhealthy) then we would make changes but make it about health vs looks.
If she were not overweight, I would just tell her that everyone has "skin rolls" and it's normal... "look at mama, my belly folds when I bend over but I'm a healthy size".This is a tough subject though.
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@Coral: that is a great read, thanks for sharing. It validates what I've been trying to do in terms of taking the focus completely off of appearance. I was gobsmacked by that one comment from DD. the article reminds me to be vigilant!
@Banana330: humour is s good, lighthearted way to respond, especially with little kids.
@skinnycow: man that's gotta be rough having someone check in about your weight all the time!
@avivoca: thanks for the reminder to talk more about food being fuel, I want to do my best to set her up for a healthy relationship with food in the long term. It's a tough subject!
@mrskansas: you elude to my thoughts a bit as far as walking the line between body acceptance but also ensuring our children are healthy.
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I worry about this a lot, I have an almost 5 year old and a 1 year old. We talk about how our bodies make us feel (strong, etc.) and don't comment on how the girls look (unless they ask- does this dress make me look pretty- and I'll say yes, but how does it make you feel?). My oldest is tall and thin and people comment on her size but say she's skinny or bony and it infuriates me. You don't have the right to say those things about her or to her.
I like what other posters said about needing skin to bend and making it about health.
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I have two girls so this is something I'll have to be very mindful of too. @Coral: Thanks for the read!
It's so hard b/c our society is just so used to commenting on how people look! And I catch myself telling my girls they look beautiful, etc so I def want to be more mindful and compliment them more on other things besides how they look.
And I think I have ways to go too to become a better model in regards to body image!
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So, I have 2 boys, but I grew up with a lot of issues/baggage/abuse about my appearance and suffered from ED, so I am really mindful about educating my sons to not be a bag of dicks some day. Girls should feel empowered and healthy and beautiful on their own, but boys should also at the VERY least not add to the damn problem.
One way DH models this is by always telling me I look beautiful all the time and asking the boys "isn't mommy so beautiful??" and now my almost 3 year old will come by and pat me and say "Mama, so beautiful!"
(And I'm like definitely a plus sized lady with a giant brain surgery scar across my hairline, a mom pouch, a C-section scar, etc etc etc and I'm usually wearing like haggard ripped clothes at home with no makeup).
But for me as their mom, I'm also teaching them to regularly use the words "beautiful" and "pretty" for non-feminine things or things relating to physical appearance so they see beauty in everything. I want that word to be a normal part of their vernacular. So flowers are beautiful, shiny clean trucks are beautiful, a bird is pretty, his soaring Magnatile tower is pretty, his guy friend at school has beautiful new shoes, etc.
And as an off-shoot to the skin color thread, we also talk about how our friends who look different from us are beautiful when it comes up. My son will say "So and so has yellow hair" and I will say "Oh my goodness, its SOOOOO beautiful, right?" And he will say "Yeah! And so and so has black hair! So beautiful right mama?!" Our disabled friend with leg braces apparently has "robot legs" that are "wooooahhhh so beautiffulllll!"
Obviously, we use words like "nice" and "kind" to describe people for the most part, but my hope is that if he ever hears a friend, especially a girl, talk down about themselves, he will remember these habits and tell them they are beautiful or kind or nice or smart and not let them beat themselves up.
Solidarity girl moms.
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@gingerbebe: your kids are going to be excellent as adults. :). Sounds so sweet.
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I am a boy mom, but I do think body image issues happen to both men and women...what I think is interesting is that there seems to be a difference in terms of people living in Europe versus the US (I can't speak to other parts of the world because I have no experience with it, I would love to learn more).
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So I may be in the minority but I do acknowledge with my four year old that eating too much junk leads to being overweight and health problems. We don't equate body shape with beauty, and that's easy enough to avoid at this point. But like @mrskansas: said, my response to a comment like that would depend on whether my kid was actually overweight. We just never frame it in terms of what's beautiful, pretty, etc.
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@looch: That's very interesting. Can you expand on the differences you see in Europe vs USA?
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@Mommy Finger: Sure, at a high level, what I observed is that people aren't ashamed or embarrassed, either with nudity or the form their body has. When you go to a beach, you see women of all shapes and sizes wearing bikinis. There is a confidence that we as Americans seem to lack...although I hope that's changing.
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@looch: I've noticed the same. Here in Sweden, women aren't objectified like they are in the States. No cat calls - none of that, even with teens. No one comments about looks at all. I hear it's the same in Finland - people consider it rude.
There doesn't seem to be the same desire for physical "perfection". Sure there are some young girls in the club scene that fit the model image, but looking like a model isn't expected to be the norm.
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I enjoyed reading the responses and the interesting discussion around this issue. Everyone keeps saying the really hard parenting years are yet to come and I'm starting to believe them!
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@SugarplumsMom: to be fair I think most people consider it rude here in the US too. And sort of creepy. Or at least that's been my experience.
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@gingerbebe: I love this. I have a son and I agree about trying to raise him to be open in his concept of what is beautiful.
@looch: @Mommy Finger: @SugarplumsMom: adding to the Euro aspect, I've definitely seen that to be the case where we live. My DH and I were at a hotel with spa over the weekend. Sauna culture is really big here, and the norm is that the sauna area is unisex AND nude. So my DH and I were meandering about naked with like 40 other strangers. There were all shapes and sizes and I guess it is just not a big deal. The 12 year old inside of me was still giggly, but it was refreshing to see people with "imperfect" bodies not being ashamed of themselves. One of the city beaches we go to in the summer has a nudist section. When you are out swimming you can see into it. I was actually surprised to see tons of families with little kids. I think there is also much less of a "there's a pervert on every park bench" mentality here since being naked is seen as natural and not something that must be hidden at all times.
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Additionally, I've noticed is that abroad, there isn't a huge celebrity, model or professional sports culture like there is in the US. I can't quite articulate why it makes a difference in body image, but it does.
I would be very interested to compare this to Asia, though, because my understanding is that there is a developed musical industry, particularly in S. Korea...and how that impacts body image.
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@skinnycow: My mother is unfortunately the same way. I'm sorry you have to deal with it as well. It's terrible for self image.
@Autumnmama79: I have two sons, no daughters, but I have two nieces. My SIL asked me this same question, as my oldest niece started to say some things like this. I told her she needs to focus on telling her how strong and healthy she is. Above all, feeling strong and healthy is far more important for self confidence.
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I think I would ask my 7 year old why she thinks she is fat and see if we could have a conversation about what she said. Then I would take the conversation to talking about being healthy human beings and how everyone has a different body type.
@2littlepumpkins: we have talked about how daddy changed his diet because he was eating too much junk food and when he went to the doctor, the doctor told him he wasn't eating healthy enough. We also talk about how exercise is important with being healthy, too though.
I love that my 5 year old still loves all of our body parts - like bellies. She saw mine this morning (after working out, I was in my sports bra and shorts) and she starts slapping her belly. My belly is no where close to trim but it's mine, so she loves it the same as her own and we don't make a big deal out of it. Sure, I have love handles and fat rolls but I don't comment on them or even "notice" them in her presence.
I think a lot of negative talk about bodies comes from the home. If mom/dad says something negative about their body, daughter/son will probably follow. We try to talk positively about our bodies or not talk about them at all.
My mom has a bad habit of talking about my daughter's "faults" like her hairy arms and legs and it drives me freaking bonkers.
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