DD is 17 months old and DH hasn't really slept in our room since she was born. This all started when she was a few days old and waking constantly/nursing all night. I moved myself and DD into the living room so DH could sleep in peace. At around 8 weeks PP we moved ourselves back into the bedroom and stayed that way until sleep regression hit and never went away. DH went to sleep in the living room a few nights and eventually stopped coming to our room all together. Now a year later DD still frequently wakes to nurse and still sleeps in our room but in her own bed. I have asked DH a few times to sleep in the room but never in an overly serious manner it was more so in passing. He always just sleeps in the living room watching his tv shows. I think we have just gotten in this routine. I've asked DH to help me night wean DD a few times and he doesn't want to. He wants her to self wean. I've also tried to get him to help me transition her to sleeping in her own room and once again he didn't want to. At this point not sleeping in a bed together has greatly damaged our intimacy and sex life. We rarely have sex and when we do it's boring and routine. Please tell me it gets better? I'm not sure how to bring all of this up to him in a non threatening manner. I don't want to hurt his feelings or have him feel attacked. I'm just frustrated
-
You can't just tell him it bothers you and ask him to come back? I would just sit down and tell him how you feel, that's not attacking. Your feelings are hurt and he should know that.
-
Kind of cheesy, but can you have a "state of the relationship" talk? Get a sitter, go out to a restaurant or neutral environment, and talk to him about the things that are working and the things that aren't working, and give him the opportunity to do the same. Reevaluating your relationship every so often is a good idea, and will keep you on the same page.
-
He may feel like you chose the baby over him... if so, that's an extra layer of emotions to deal with!
-
I would probably just sit down and tell him how I felt. Maybe he wants to be back in the bedroom but doesn't want to interrupt your routine. I also think you should try and get a sitter for a night and spend some alone time to rekindle your relationship. It will get worse before it gets better if you don't address it! I'm sorry you are going through it. Babies are life changers in so many ways!
-
Does your LO have their own room and crib? Maybe you could do a dream feed and get back your bedroom. DH was the one that suggested putting LO in his room in the RNP after a certain point. We always established that LO would be in his own room and our room would be ours. At the time DH pushed for this, we were fighting and in counseling, so it made it tougher. Eventually, sleeping in the same room without LO got easier.
-
Oh man, that's tough. The same thing happened to a friend of mine. She just recently weaned her LO. She had been sleeping in a single bed in the baby's room to not disturb her husband. She said it was absolutely terrible.
She said if she could do it again she would just force night weaning much earlier (around a year). Put up with the screaming for a week so that things could go back to normal-ish.
Sorry. That's a tough situation.
-
That's rough. I would probably start with transitioning LO to her own room (with or without DH's help). In our case that also helped significantly with night weaning. Once that's done, you can face the issue at hand...lots of good advice from the previous posters. Hugs!
-
To be honest, Hubs and I have been doing the same thing for nearly a year as well. In the beginning it was because he couldn't sleep at all with LO in our room (she was loud, feeding her was loud), and now it is because he doesn't like sleeping in the same bed as LO as I often bring her to bed with me after her MOTN waking (around 3 or 4 am). I am ready to night wean and get her sleeping in her crib full time, but I am almost not sure if that will make a difference. If I let her cry a bit longer to see if she will settle herself, Hubs will bring her to me in bed (which is not helpful!).
So, no advice unfortunately, but I wanted to let you know you aren't alone. It is rough, but hopefully it will get better for both of us soon!
-
I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but maybe your DH doesn't want to help you with the night weaning and sleep training in your LO's room because he's feeling a bit pushed to the side? Thinking about being in his shoes, I would honestly probably feel like you chose the baby over me.
I think you should take the initiave to plan for a rough week with LO and train her to sleep in her own room for the night. She's definitely old enough to handle it and honestly isn't eating at night because of hunger, it is because of habit. Then, also talk to DH about how important it is that you have him back with you in your bed. I have a feeling you could all really start getting great sleep at night.
-
I think its time for an honest and direct conversation, away from the baby. Take the time to check in about what is and isn't working in your relationship, and how each of you feels about it. Then make a plan for resolving the things that aren't working.
If your relationship is taking a hit, it may be time to move the baby to her own room.
Good luck! -
I tend to disagree with everyone that's posted.
We had a similar situation, with the exception that we had a full sized bed in our nursery. Once we managed to get our son sleeping in the crib at 5 weeks, I would start off the night in our room, but move into the full sized bed when my son woke up. It was a habit that continued until he was 2, which then tranisitoned into full time cosleeping.
I think the main thing you have to address is getting your child into their room. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, you can start out the night wherever you feel comfortable and move around. Don't feel like you have to do it all in one night. These things can take time.
-
I think it's time to move your dd into her own room. Sleep issues will never stop arising but it sounds like her being in your room is greatly affecting your marriage.
Hugs
-
@looch: I don't think the issue is the separate sleeping in and of itself, but the fact that the OP is upset about it and believes it is impacting their intimacy. I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with a couple sleeping separately, or co-sleeping.
-
@Silva: I think it's pretty common for people to assume if a couple isn't sleeping in the same bed, then things are somehow "off" in the marriage. I am not accusing anyone that's posted in this thread of that, but it has come up IRL (at least for me).
-
@looch: oh, I see
I was just confused because I didn't understand what you disagreed with about previous posters. I think people do make that assumption, and its not a fair one. People should sleep however they sleep best, but for a lot of couples not sleeping together feels like a disruption of their intimacy.@CraftyMom13: Taking into consideration Looch's good point, it would be valuable for you and your husband to discuss why/if it is important for you to sleep in the same room. If you are both interested in maintaining co-sleeping and night nursing with your baby, and those things prohibit you two sleeping together, maybe you just need to invest in other ways to increase intimacy (date night, more intentional effort at alone time and good conversation, etc. spice of your sex life, etc.)
-
@Silva: exactly! I think sometimes we get caught up in societal norms and we can't look past them. My personal view is that if it works, then forget what society says.
-
Have you told your DH that you miss him? That you miss having a good relationship with him? If you've only half-joked the whole "come back to our room" then he may not think you're serious.
Have you asked him why he doesn't want to help you get your kid to sleep in her own room, without nursing at night? That sounds like a win-win to me, at her age!
-
I think night weaning sounds like a good idea. Even if you night wean, she can still nurse as long as she wants during the day. Extended breastfeeding is great, as long as you're still feeling good about it. If you feel like you need to night wean, in order to re-establish your marriage, then you should tell your husband. You definitely have a say in that. At 17 months, it's ok to set nursing limits, for your own well being and mental health.
-
DH is a super blunt straight to the point New Yorker and would tell me if something was bothering him. Like @MrsScallop: DH brings me DD if I let her cry for more then a few minutes. He expects me to get her immediately.
We talked last night and his reasoning for still sleeping on the couch(we actually have a spare room!) is his sinus issues. He said he sleeps better when he can be propped up a little. So he wants to stay on the couch until his sinuses get better. DD does have her own room and I think I'm going to start transitioning her into it on my own. -
@CraftyMom13: I'm glad you talked with him, he doesn't seem to have bitter feelings toward you which is good. It does sound like you do most of the parenting, which is fine if that works for you. I would definitely work on getting LO into her own room & then you can work on your relationship. I think you guys have communication down, it's easy to put marriage on back burner, but I think it's very important to keep your DH in mind and remember you are a wife too.
We get into a rut sometimes as well and in that case we go out and do somethign just the two of us. Hirer a babysitter, or send her to grandma's & have a good old fashion date night. Go to dinner and talk and have fun the two of you, it helps you fall in love all over again! If she can do an overnight even better, you can cuddle, have sex, sleep in, and just reconnect.
-
@locavore_mama: I agree. I know you said he doesn't want to help you do that, OP, but if you've been the one doing everything at nighttime anyways he might not get why you want his help with this part. And he might feel pushed aside or resentful. I can't say, there's really not enough to go on here to get his point of view. Sounds like it's high past time for the two of you to have a real conversation about this, and something to really change.
-
I think it's worth trying to figure out exactly what aspects of the situation are bothering you, and addressing them separately.
- Are you frustrated by the fact that you disagree about whether to night wean, or whether to transition LO to a separate room? If so, maybe prioritize discussions about why you think this is important, and hopefully figure out a plan to do it.
- Are you frustrated that this situation means that you have the extra work at night w/ the night feedings, and he's not helping with that? Or because you're extra tired whereas he gets to sleep?
If so, maybe talk about ways he could help make sure you're rested, and/or that you feel like he is equally invested in and working towards enacting the desired outcome. Make sure he knows you want and need his help?- Are you feeling like you want more attention and intimacy from him, and that's usually something that was centered around sleeping together in the same bed?
If so, and if he thinks that going back the bed would make it hard for him to sleep due to sinus issues, you could let him know that you'd appreciate finding other ways to reconnect and have time together, whether that's him coming to bed to snuggle with you for a while before moving to the living room, or helping you put the baby to bed while you join him in the living room for 30 minutes of hanging out and cuddling (and possibly sex!) before you go to sleepI know I really don't like it when DH sleeps elsewhere, but we've ended up doing it a fair bit lately since our older kid has been waking up at night- this way, DH takes the monitor for the older kid and handles his wakeups, while I have the infant. I miss having that feeling of shared time and space, so I make sure (and make sure DH knows it's important to me) that we don't just do our own things and then go to sleep separately, but that we make an extra effort to be lovey and huggy and to chat and hang out right before we split up to separate rooms. We also have the understanding that if either kid has a particularly hard night, we're welcome to call in the other parent for support (i.e. if I have the baby and he wakes up 5 times at night, DH is totally cool with me waking him up and asking him to re-bed the baby, or give him a bottle, or whatever I need to feel less tired and stressed).
- Google Plus
- Stumbleupon
- Twitter
- Facebook
- Pinterest
- Favorite0
22 comments