Hellobee Boards

ugh. I'm sorry... my dh went through a gun phase for a bit. it had to do a lot with him being worried about a creepy person coming to our house which was a long shot, but still.... i was NOT ok with it, and he was trying to pitch his case. He had even signed up for a gun class.... Long story short. We got a security system installed in our house, and I talked him down from it. lots of conversations were had weighing pros & cons.

it's hard if his mind is made up - but he's being a little extreme (media's fault perhaps) i don't think we'll get to that - maybe there is a different way he can calm his anxiety?

@yellowbeach: That's so interesting that you say he is very left and yet now he wants a gun. I'm so curious if this will change his voting position. But of course, that's not the issue... I am part of a gun owning household. I do see of course how tough this is for you. I can tell you - kids and guns can safely coexist in the same home. Maybe you can take some gun safety classes with your husband before revisiting the actual purchase issue. Start there and maybe you will grow a little more comfortable.

I find it interesting that one of his arguments was that in marriage you need to compromise. How is he compromising? I think your very real mental health concerns and your actual bad history with guns take precedence over his very far fetched paranoia situation.

@yellowbeach: Since he's specifically brought up compromise is there anything else that would make him feel safe without being a trigger for you? A taser? Pepper spray? A security system? A big dog?

Personally, this would be a hard no for me and I don't have anything like your experiences with guns. Just the fear and dread that comes from living in an age of gun violence.

This is a tough one for sure, but there is zero chance a gun would cross the threshold of our home EVER. 1000% hard no from me without chance of compromise. My dad owns guns and most of the men in my family hunt. They are in a gun safe and feel ok when we visit. But in my own house? No way.

I would insist he needs to take a class, go to gun range as the only compromise here. As you said, it’s either have one or no, so that’s the only middle ground I see. As for what you said about protection, I think he should consider seeing a therapist for CBT about his fear and paranoia. Only if those conditions are met, could you even have a rational discussion about this in the future.

I have a history of major health anxiety. 3 years ago this covid 19 stuff would be sending me through the roof. But I did CBT for it and find I have been able to manage ok so far. I’ve deleted Facebook and Twitter to avoid all the media about it. I’ve got my pantry and medicine cabinet stocked. We are washing our hands. That’s all I can do. It sounds like his fears are getting out of hand especially if this is the first time he’s spoke about this seriously and actually wants to go through with it.

@yellowbeach: You really sound like you are being reasonable. Best of luck whatever you do.

So, my DH has guns, unloaded, locked in a safe, in a locked room in our basement. Realistically, if a situation were to arise in which someone broke into our house - those guns are so far away and hard to get to, it's not going to be very easy to grab them for defense anyways. (although, I guess if shit really hit the fan we'd have them ready).

Maybe talk through the reality of it - with a 3 year old in the house, where will it be stored that is safe for everyone in the home and still easily reachable for defense. If that's not even feasible, then he needs to have a plan b - extra security, a baseball bat by the door, taser, etc.

You've gotten great advice so far, and I don't have much more to contribute except to say THANK YOU for the work you and your husband do, and that I'm sorry you're in this position and having to think and handle all of this right now on top of all the other stress you can't control.

I grew up in a safe, gun-owning household. My parents and brother both responsibly own guns, and my SIL was even an arms dealer for a while. DH and I both have handled and learned how to shoot a variety of guns, but it was partly for fun and partly because we both feel that we should be comfortable around firearms in the state where we live. We still do not personally own any firearms. The risk for me is not worth the benefit or the amount of responsibility required.

Even if there is a doomsday scenario (and I think it will be bad but not that bad), it is not as if having a gun is going to help unless you are very skilled at using it. Which can take years of practice and training... Perhaps it's an issue with relinquishing control (something I have a hard time with too)? The situation is scary, I'm sure especially working on the front lines. Is there anyone besides you (I know you've tried) who can help him with processing through everything and confronting the unknown?

And also, thank you for everything you do. I know it is a really challenging and uncertain time to be a doctor or first responder.

I really really really don't understand the Covid19 => armed crazies roaming the streets argument. My first reaction is that there is something else going on with your husband, some manifestation of depression or anxiety that the gun won't really address. And I don't like the combination of depression/anxiety and a gun in the house. I'm sure you know the stats that a gun in the home is far more likely to ever hurt you than an intruder. Plus, your feelings should matter! Him getting a gun is not compromise. I'm really sorry. This is a tough situation.

This comment has been deleted by the original poster.

@yellowbeach: to me the issue doesn't really seem to be the gun but rather his anxiety over the worst case scenario. Does he have access to to an EAP via your work? I always assumed physicians who deal with a lot of trauma have some kind of mental health support readily available, but maybe I'm wrong. I think the bigger thing here is for him to talk with someone about the anxiety he has about this because from what my therapist taught me about anxiety management, the thing that we think will curb the anxiety is only postponing the dealing with anxiety, so the gun isn't actually going to make him feel calmer, it'll only exacerbate the issue and can lead to things like him having it under his pillow "just in case" and all kinds of unsafe behaviors. I'd encourage him to discuss this with a therapist asap. Good luck to you both and thank you for the work you do!

@bees_knees: I agree I think if there’s a gun in the house all adults should know where it’s kept, how to access it, how to load and unload it etc. god forbid it gets left out or something all adults should know how to make sure it’s safe and put away.

We have guns because we life on a farm. I don’t prefer to use them but I know how, and like I said more importantly how to make sure they’re stored safely

@yellowbeach: I hate hate hate guns and I feel the same way you do right now. I’m probably still not getting one but you’re not wrong about the possibility of civil unrest.