What kinds of things did they do? House chores? Baby care? Were they "helpful"?
I'm particularly interested if they didn't stay with you. I will elaborate on our situation below.
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No family nearby and no help from those that did come to visit. I did, however, have a local moms group and some close mom friends who put together a meal train to provide us meals for almost 2 months! This was beyond helpful!
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She came and did not stay with us. We actually had the room, but my husband had the foresight to recommend that it might be nice if we didn't have the overnight stress of worrying about their sleep.
She mainly cooked for us (made tons of frozen meals), went grocery shopping, and cleaned when necessary. It was our first, so no other kids to entertain. She was actually pretty amazing and whenever I tried to do anything she would say for me to relax and focus on getting in my newborn snuggles.
She was, of course, willing to do baby care if I asked.
She was incredibly helpful, yet I was still really glad that she would leave in the evenings after my husband got home from work. She would cook dinner, eat with us, then head back to the hotel. I would then have a relaxed morning the next day and she would come over around 9 AM. It was perfect! Feel free to ask any additional questions.
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My mom was living about an hour away when I first had DD; she came over and stayed over 2 nights. Her main job was to make food, and just help me with whatever.
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Baby 1- within hours of arriving home we had the first of four grandparents hanging out in our living room, by a few days later all four were there offering unsolicited advice; one set stayed with us. I ended up "hiding out" in our office as we were trying to figure out BF and all the lovely PP stuff. At some point they made a few meals but all in all, it was really rough and actually unhelpful. We were living in a place none of them had been before so they didn't know their way around; DH had to drive them.
Baby 2- only grandmothers came, but this time they had older LO to occupy. It was actually fine, even good. Or maybe I just didn't care because we got an awesome glider for our bedroom and I was happy to hang out there. I think they did a little more cleaning/cooking too. And by this time they knew more or less our neighborhood. And nobody stayed with us.
Expecting Baby 3- We moved again, so they don't know our hood. Older LOs are in preschool during the day. I'm scared of the first scenario repeating itself!
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My mom came for a little over 3 weeks. My husband loved it but it was actually extremely stressful for me. I made her leave at 3 weeks even though she wanted to stay like a month. My in laws came to visit at 6-7 weeks and they stayed at a hotel and it was pleasant enough. They are very polite and respectful.
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I'm due with #2 in less than 2 weeks. My mom is flying in for like 36 hours to care for Ds1 while I have my C-section and then I'm sending her home. DH will go home nights to be with DS and he will go to daycare during the day. ILs will come for a long weekend after I'm discharged and visit with DS and see the new baby. My family will come Memorial Day weekend to see the baby. Then everyone needs to GTFO.
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I did not let anyone come over for 2 weeks and it was amazing! It was so niceto have that time to learn to bond and get in the swing of things. My newborn slept so much, I had plenty of time to cook and clean.
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For DS1, both sets of grandparents came, but at different times. My in laws slept at our house. They were all extremely helpful with cooking, cleaning, etc. once my son was diagnosed with a tongue tie and he lost weight, the grandmothers stayed once my husband went back to work. I had a crazy schedule for finger feeding until we had his frenulum clipped (attempt to BF, finger feed, pump every 2.5 hours). I could not have done it without my mom and mil.
Baby 2 is due in June and we'll happily take any help we can again!
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I love our families but they did not "help" in any way. We have a very small home so nobody could stay over, and usually they would visit for like an hour and then leave. While they visited, they would hold the baby (who of course would be sleeping), talk, not do any chores, and then leave when the LO woke up crying. My dad was the worst at this.
MIL would at least change diapers, which was nice, but I don't think anyone else did anything to help us. MIL probably offered to help more but DH never lets her do anything anyway. My dad brought us food but it was always takeout and not stuff that was great to reheat. FIL sent a basket of fruit that went bad within two days. SIL kept telling me to go upstairs and sleep while she held LO...I know she was trying to help but it always felt like she was trying to get me out of the way. DH actually felt the same so I know it wasn't just me being a mama bear.
We are expecting #2 and honestly I am not looking forward to all this again.
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We had lots of visitors after li1. I found one person helpful, multiple people overwhelming. Dh and I took some time with just each other in the mornings or evenings. I think food was the biggest help, though dh cooked a lot too. I had a weird appetite and still felt nauseous as my milk was coming in so I really didn't feel like cooking. With our second,people mainly helped with lo1 and it was helpful. I did crave less chaos sometimes though with people milling about.
And this probably seems petty but now I'm pregnant with lo3 I'm realizing I'm still mad about it (though I never said anything). My mom showed up with dd1 unexpectedly and took her over to intriduce Her to baby when I was coming out of the bathroom. So I missed getting to do that intro.
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Yes, and it was so lovely.
I wasn't planning on having my parents visit until a week or so after getting home, but then I found out I was going to have a c-section. My mom came the second night we were home, and she cooked us dinner each night, helped to tidy up the house, watched the baby while I showered. I really think having her around helped me feel mentally and emotionally good with things. It was so nice having company and talking new-mom stuff. Then my sister came a few weeks or so later, and she helped me trouble shoot some breastfeeding issues, etc.
Neither of them did middle of the night feedings or anything intensive with the baby. It was more emotional support for me and helping keep the house look nice. I loved it and hope both can visit again this time!
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My mom stayed with us for 10 days after DD was born.
She came 2 weeks before DS was due and left the day after he was born while we were still at the hospital. -
I had a c-section and so we were in the hospital for 4 nights afterwards, then my husband was home for another week. I thought I'd need help when he went back to work but I was actually totally fine. My parents live 45 minutes away and my mom came up one day but I was fine on my own. I really don't like people in my personal space for long periods of time so it worked for me.
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My mom was going to come for 2 weeks and ended up staying for 3. It was wonderful. But we have a great relationship. I had a sick colicky baby who was readmitted to the hospital for a week, once we came home didn't sleep and vomited constantly. It was an awful time and I couldn't have done it without her help.
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My mom came for labor and 1wk pp. She help with chores, diapers, and holding / comforting baby while I napped. She was also indispensable when I had to go back to the emergency room for severe pp bleeding.
My dad came at 6 wks and babysat a lot. DH and I went on dates and took naps.
My ILs came at 9 wks and didn't help, just got grand baby time.
My parents stayed with us but that's because we only have room for 1 person to stay, and they came separately bc of work commitments.
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We didn't let anyone come over to "help" for the first two weeks. Even after that, we limited it to social visits. I really cannot stand unsolicited advice, and I hate socializing when I feel sick / physically compromised. So, I am glad that we structured things that way. It was more work for us, but less stressful at the same time.
If we have a second child, then we will probably have to tolerate more people in the house because our usual team will be in place to take care of our son.
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LO1 my mom came for a week, after DH went back to work. She helped with cooking and baby care, though cleaning up
Is not her strong point. Then MIL came for a week and helped mostly with cooking and cleaning the main room. Both stayed with us (at different times). It was helpful.LO2 was born right before Christmas and dh's mom and brother came into town a few days after baby was born. They did not stay with us, but they were basically with us all day until nighttime. It was way too much for me. They would take the toddler out in the morning and do stuff with her, which was great, but then I would just be home alone with the baby. Then they'd come home by lunchtime and camp out until 9 or later. I was struggling with breastfeeding and sore and tired and hormonal and the baby was up crying most of the night at the time and I just really wanted time with my little family of four, not everyone. And I wanted to be able To walk around with ice packs in my bra and pajama pants. Mil helped a lot with cooking and I didn't prepare a meal or clean a dish the whole time but I just wanted everyone gone.
If we ever have another baby I don't want visitors for the first week, period. What would have helped most was someone taking the toddler out in the morning but DH staying home with me and baby. Then family time in the afternoons.
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My parents came and brought us food, stayed for awhile, and then left. My inlaws came, stayed for awhile, MIL cleaned my kitchen, and then they left. Neighbors brought food, but no one stayed.
I'd say the exact same thing will happen this time, except my inlaws probably won't come.
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My mil came and was very helpful, but she sleeps until 10am and stays up until 1/2am so dealing with her schedule was difficult. We had to try and be quiet for hours in the morning not to wake her up, then felt guilty crashing for the night at 8pm when she was just getting started. Plus when she cooked for us it would take forever and not be ready until around 10pm.
Now that we have a toddler around I think she could be much more useful because even if she isn't helping us cook, clean or get more sleep she can at least entertain him for a few hours a day!
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No one stayed or helped. Short visits were to hold the baby, but no one offered to help with chores, cook, walk the dog, or help with baby. I was actually shocked at how many people expected me to cook for them when they visited in the first few weeks.
I would have loved help, especially in the first two weeks. If someone could have gone grocery shopping, cooked us something or played with the dog, it would have been wonderful.
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My mom came to help for about two weeks. She took LO to daycare and cleaned dishes, did laundry and made dinner. She would leave around midday and come back to pick LO up at daycare or grocery shop. That was amazing since my DH had to leave for work when LO2 was 2 or 3 days old.
She didn't stay at our place and purposely left me to give me time to bond with LO and nap
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My parents came to stay with us and they were very helpful. They took care of our dog while we were in the hospital, and then when we were home they cooked, cleaned, and walked and fed the dog. My mom said her goal was for us to only have to worry about the baby. The only difficulty was that breastfeeding at first is hard and sometimes my dad would plant himself on our couch and I'd really wish I could nurse without a cover. But for us it was worth it.
For LO2 they're coming to stay again. They'll take care of DS and the dog while we're in the hospital. When we're home I'm sure my mom will cook and clean up and my dad will continue to take care of the dog. I'm also hopeful they'll play with DS and give him attention when needed.
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I had an unexpected c-section and my MIL ended up staying for the first week unplanned. She's local, so luckily travel arrangements weren't a consideration. (My mom had knee surgery a week before my daughter was born, so she wasn't able to help as much as she wanted, otherwise it probably would have been my mom who stayed.)
It was close quarters, but she really was helpful. I had a hard time standing up and sitting down for a while after my surgery, and it was nice to have an extra set of hands for the baby. She also helped a lot with keeping things tidy around the house, which was nice since we had several visitors. She took a night shift here and there too, which allowed us to get some rest. She didn't do much cooking, but all the other help more than made up for it. I really don't know how we would have managed without her.
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No, I like my space/privacy too much. And then I always feel like I have to "host" and that's just not what you should be doing.
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My situation is a little different as I'm Chinese and I "sit month" after both babies. My mom came both times and stayed with us for 5-8 weeks.
On the positive she was extremely helpful, cooked all my meals, helped clean, did laundry etc. held the baby so I can shower, take a nap, get a break.
On the negative, she can't speak English so communication with DH is zero. She does not drive and is used to the freedom of NYC public transportation. She got bored FAST. It got suffocating not having privacy, even though it was my mom so I had no issues whipping out a boob. She is very vocal about the way she likes to do things and is used to running her house a certain way. It's a little stressful dealing with a NB and her 24/7 input.If I could have it my way, I would've preferred her come 1-2 weeks pp and stay 5-8 weeks then.
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My parents came and stayed for a week after my husband went back to work after his 2 weeks off. They did whatever I needed: cook, clean, help with the baby.
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My MIL insisted on coming immediately after the birth as "we would need all the help we could get". I said no and they came at 4 weeks and (surprise, surprise) she didn't lift a finger other than to hold my newborn the entire time they were here - I practically had to pry DS from her hands to feed him. I was beyond annoyed.
So it depends on your parents/IL.
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My ILs came when DS was 10 days old. I was not in any shape to receive visitors, total hormonal mess, terrible BF problems, probably a lot of undiagnosed PPA. It was more of a burden than anything, and my FIL had a bad cold. He kept away from my baby, but still. They stayed elsewhere 4 days and the last 3 days with us, in our 1 bedroom apartment. (Eeek!). I was so relieved when they left.
They came a month after my DD was born but it was much better. I was not nearly as much of a wreck the second time around and they were good help with my older LO.
On my side, I only have my dad and he didn't come until after the newborn stage, which I was perfectly fine with.
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Thank goodness YES....eventually.
DH left for a 15 month deployment when LO was 3 weeks old. So no one came until after he left, wanting to give us that short precious time together. Then my Mom came out. She helped make food, change diapers and clean. With a C-section I was still pretty sore. She was out for a week and a half and then my SIL came out for a week after my mom left. She did a lot of the same but cooked HUGE meals that we could freeze so I always had something stashed for a LONG time that I could pop in the over and reheat easily since I was on my own. They were so helpful and was so glad I wasn't on my own at 3 weeks after DH left.
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