This was question number one on the NYT's "13 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married"
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2016/03/23/fashion/weddings/marriage-questions.html
For the record, my family usually went with "silently shut down" until things festered and exploded into "throwing plates" (metaphorical plates, not actual ones). I do my best to calmly discuss issues, but sometimes I fall into the trap of silently shutting down until things fester and explode!
persimmon / 1168 posts
One of my first memories is my parents throwing dishes at each other 
Trying to break the cycle with my own family and teach our son how to calmly and directly communicate and peacefully solve conflicts, by example.
persimmon / 1045 posts
@magnolia: 
I also think of how I should not act, when dealing with my LO. I didn't have awesome conflict resolution modelling to look up to when I was little & I can feel myself repeating some of those less desirable behaviours with my DH which freaks me out. I want nothing more than to be a good example for my LO though!!
@mrbee: we had a mixture of the first & third in our house growing up. I hated it! And pretty sure the silent treatment contributed to my anxiousness over every. little. thing. While of course throwing plates (real or imagined) is just never good!
cantaloupe / 6171 posts
a mix between silently shutting down and calmly discussing. my parents each have a really volatile sibling and are afraid of conflict, and are a little *too* polite sometimes. like, sometimes you don't need to be that calm--it's okay to show some feelings, you can't always be happy or calm. my brother especially has issues expressing when he;s upset with them, he holds it in and distances himself instead of just talking about it
blogger / grapefruit / 4836 posts
@magnolia: cycle breakers unite <3. I posted this a while ago on the boards, but I have it bookmarked and read it a lot
http://www.motherhoodandmore.com/2015/12/a-love-letter-to-the-cycle-breakers.html
We were a screaming household. I'm sure there was throwing things too. It takes every bit of self control I have to not do the same some days but I'm fighting the good fight. DH grew up in a shove it down family so we have definitely struggled to find middle ground.
persimmon / 1483 posts
Throwing plates followed by silent shutdown followed by a second round of plate throwing for good measure. It really teaches you to never relax because you don't know when the next explosion is coming. My mom used to hang our artwork over the holes in the walls (from wall punching, not actual plates), which seems so perverse to me as an adult. I am absolutely breaking the cycle, but man is hard.
wonderful pea / 17279 posts
Well, once when my mom tried to ignore my dad when he was really upset he smeared peanut butter on the TV screen to prevent her and I from watching it. We both looked at each other in disbelief and laughed. I was 3 or 4. Typically, when issues came up they spoke to each other in very frustrated tones and seemed to nag and shout. Just thinking about it makes me cringe. They just plain did not get along.
I inherited a nasty way to speak to someone that I have tried to check myself on over the years and I can count on one hand that's come up with DH where he has not bitten his tongue about it. I'm really cognizant that you can't take words back once they leave your lips. We aren't shouters, but possibly leave things unsaid for the sake of just being kind. The good thing is that we rarely if ever bring up festering, lingering irritants. In an argument, it would be very hard for us to come up with examples to support an "always" claim since we let stuff go.
hostess / cantaloupe / 6486 posts
My family calmly discussed. DH'S family shoved things down. So you can frequently find me following him around the house asking him why he won't talk to me. Which is funny in theory but it's annoying for everyone involved and paints me as a nag. It's rough trying to find a way that we can both resolve our conflicts. I often feel like they're never resolved.
persimmon / 1045 posts
@Mrs. Sunshine: my DH shoves things down but then calmly discusses when it come to a head. I have tried to deal with my stuff by shoving things down (instead of throwing plates - haha) but when it's time to discuss I usually end up in tears rather than calmly discussing. It's a bit silly...but I think it's good I'm aware and trying to work on it. Will do anything to avoid LO having to deal with any sort of unhealthy tension!
hostess / cantaloupe / 6486 posts
@Nutella: yes I'm the same way. Then I come off as crazy and he's just like "I don't really even know what we're fighting about anymore." lol I'm really trying to work on it but man it is hard! According to my mom they were plate throwers when I was little. I remember some yelling but I dont remember many crazy insane fights, so maybe we'll get it together before our LO's really remember too 
persimmon / 1045 posts
@Mrs. Sunshine: aww I hope so too! I think your attitude will def help prevent any negative patterns taking hold! I hear you on it being hard though.
persimmon / 1183 posts
My parents "threw plates".
My father actually threw whatever he could get his hands on. Her clothes, appliances, the fridge...
My mother threw words.
It wasn't a healthy environment to say the least.
DH's parents were very similar.
DH and I started out our relationship this way. It took almost 10 years to hammer out a respectful conflict resolution system. @_@
papaya / 10570 posts
We were a shut it down kind of family. My parents never argued, ever. My mum has subsequently told me that if she ever tried to discuss anything with my dad, he just went out to the pub for the rest of the day/night, so my mum, in a desperate bid to keep him happy, never raised anything. He was having an affair for 6 years before he left us - and my mum knew, she just didn't want to rock the boat.
It caused huge problems in my early relationship with DH, because his parents were constructive, healthy arguers. He used to get so frustrated with me because, if ever he tried to raise an issue, I would cry! I just didn't know how to argue and that it was possible to argue and still love each other.
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
My parents did the shut down and explode thing too.
Unfortunately some of my earliest memories were of them fighting really badly.
I definitely inherited a lot of that.. I am also very reactive.. And DH is def more explosive so if we don't consciously both try to fight in a healthier way, it goes downhill fast.
I think having a kid helped us cut through a lot of that... We don't have the energy or time to drag it out so most of the time we actually work hard to resolve things peacefully!
pear / 1703 posts
Silently shut down was practically the mission statement in our house growing up 
cherry / 229 posts
My dad was very much the silently shut down until it exploded type - I don't remember him actually throwing things but definitely loud shouting and cursing and stomping. I don't know if my mom was the calm discuss things type exactly, but her shouting was definitely not explosive and completely PG-rated. I have also had to work on calmly discussing things with DH, as I didn't have that instinct to start with. It's definitely gotten a lot better.
pomegranate / 3127 posts
I don't remember any arguments, ever. I think whatever my mom said went, especially since we were living with my grandparents and they'd back her up. They must have had an argument at least a couple of times, but we kids were not aware of it at all... I'm guessing they argued after bedtime. It may sound nice to never see your parents fight, but it wasn't perfect - my dad avoided conflict to the point where he really needed to put his foot down with us kids, and instead ignored it and let the situation go on much longer than it should have. I don't know that he really could have done anything, but it bothered me so much that he didn't even try, that I avoided dating boys who acted the least bit shy because I couldn't stand the thought of being with someone who would let his kids walk all over him one day
grapefruit / 4988 posts
My father would yell, and my mom would shut down. I grew up shouting back at my dad and my mom and brother would retreat. So my family was an unhealthy combo. DH's family members all shut down, from what I can see. His parents eventually got divorced.
DH and I do our very best to talk things through in a civil way. I think we do a pretty good job, especially given our upbringing. DH has a tendency to become very quiet and let things stew, and I still have a tendency to get "worked up" (I refuse to actually raise my voice like my dad used to, but I definitely start talking alot and very quickly). I also have a nasty tone that sometimes creeps up and I have to work really hard to control it.
The good thing is, DH and I are both good at apologizing and we don't let issues linger or fester.
| Today | Monthly Record | |
|---|---|---|
| Topics | 1 | 0 |
| Posts | 0 | 0 |
Ask for Help
Make a Suggestion
Frequently Asked Questions
Bee Levels
Acronyms
Most Viewed Posts
Hellobee Gold
Hellobee Recipes
Hellobee Features
Hellobee Contests
Baby-led Weaning
Bento Boxes
Breastfeeding
Newborn Essentials
Parties
Postpartum Care Essentials
Sensory Play Activities
Sleep Training
Starting Solids Gear
Transitioning to Toddler Bed
All Series
Who We Are
About the Bloggers
About the Hostesses
Contributing Bloggers
Apply to Blog
Apply to Hostess
Submit a Guest Blog
Hellobee Buttons
How We Make Money
Community Policies
- Google Plus
- Stumbleupon
- Twitter
- Facebook
- Pinterest
- Favorite0
20 comments