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I think judgement stems from disagreement. I sort of think of judgement as disagreement in action. It's of course fine to disagree but once you've crossed the line in allowing it to color your perceptions of a person (especially if you don't know the whole truth) that's where judgement begins.

I never know what people are thinking (unless they say something), so I usually go by their expressions. Judging to me = dirty looks, looks of shock and horror, major side eye, etc.

I feel like they're often cut from the same cloth, and can be tough to separate...and I can't really pinpoint why, so I'm curious as to these responses. I think 'shaming" falls into this category, too, often.

I think a lot of it probably comes down to HOW you disagree. Saying "X isn't for us" is simply disagreeing, but volunteering "oh, i would never leave my baby" when a mom says her kid is starting daycare comes across as judging. "I don't believe in X" *can* come across as judging, and it depends on the context in which your opinion is given. Judging is the nastier older sibling, i guess.

@catomd00: it 100% depends on the context and the people involved. accepting that others do not think or do exactly as you do is a huge part of leading a successful life. that has been the best piece of advice i ever received.

I feel like disagreement turns into judgment when you start thinking your way is better/superior.

I'm guessing that this is stemming from my thread.

I definitely think that it is possible to have disagreement over something without judgment. When I think it becomes judgment is when you believe that your way is the only right way and truth versus just one option across the spectrum of acceptable options.

What led me to feeling judged in the other thread is when people took it to making comments about how they feel bad for my child, like I am neglecting her or something. Or that they cannot even fathom some of the things that we do as being a possibility.

@Herrade: but does Feeling Judged = Judgement ?

I don't always agree that just because someone voices their disagreement that it means they are judging you. I think sometimes there are personal issues going on if every time someone disagrees that they feel judged.

@Eko: Yes, to your last line! I feel like when people disagree without judgement, there is often a "caveat" of some sort stated.

For me, it's about context. The classic example on this board is when someone starts a thread about a hot button topic and a user chimes in with "I'd never do that, here's why the opposite is better."

It's super complicated, for sure. But my take is, in the thread that this thread is referring to, the OP seemed to be looking for support and not so much a debate? When people post things in that vein, I tend to only comment to, you know, offer support -- unless, of course, we're talking about like, a case of seriously bad (dangerous or harmful) parental decision-making.

I also think that there are certain commenters who take a pretty dismissive/rude tone and sorry, but that does imply judgment to me.

I think you & I feel the same ... Allllll of our friends have kids right now, and of course, we are alllll doing very different things.

I'd say I disagree with some things my friends do (ie: I just wouldn't do it that way with my family, or it just couldn't work), but I don't judge them, because I know they are amazing moms and dads.

I'd say my judgement pops in with parents I don't know. But, this extends beyond parenting. If I see someone having a loud conversation on their phone while grocery shopping, I probably judge them ... but really, what if it's a mom who only has 1 hour to herself, and she wants to talk to her girlfriend??

I try to stay humble, and catch myself whenever I'm getting judgey. I've voiced concerns about friends parenting styles (whether it's something I'm jealous of, wish we did, or can't imagine doing), and DH always reminds me that we're on our own journey. It's simply not my place to judge. If it's a safety issue (and only then), I will say something.

Jealously, judgement, etc. are totally healthy and normal feelings ... I think it means that you emapthetic and constantly searching for what's "right". Plus, the first year of parenting is hard ... you're just swarmed with advice and new friends and fear of the unknown. I'd say that most of my questioning and disagreement and jealously and whatever is gone now that I'm out of the first year. Now I'd be like, "Thanks for your opinion, let me show you where you can put it!" if someone questioned me. And, I've learned to make suggestions when asked. (Unless it's about what potty to use, because I am really passionate about that, lolol).

I think when it comes to parenting choices, disagreement comes off as judgment, especially if it's an area that you're sensitive about. Even me saying, "i'm hoping to cloth diaper my kids" gets some moms riled up and defensive about using disposables.

@travellingbee: Spot on!

I don't think there is anything wrong with having an opinion. I think that is a good thing. The way it is separate from judgement for me is to keep myself in check, to remember I am not always right, don't know everything, don't know the whole story, it can change at any time.. It is keeping an opinion with an open mind- and that isn't judgement in a negative sense.

To me disagreement is, "Oh, I wouldn't do that in our situation." Judging is, "They are a crappy human being/parent" for something really bad, like what shows up on the 10pm news. Judging doesn't happen often in my situation, there are plenty of people I disagree with, but I move on and don't really give it another thought. I give support to other parents, but their actions don't make me lose sleep, just like mine shouldn't really effect them either.

So, most of the time when I disagree with someone's parenting choices, I think I'm (inwardly) judging that choice, too. Not them as a person - like, you are a bad parent - but I am making a judgment about that choice. I think judgment is seen as a really dirty word in parenting circles but doesn't it really mean to have an opinion of something?

There are times when I think that something is not for me, or for my LO, but I think how anyone else decides to do it is fine and dandy. And then there are a handful of things I disagree with (and probably "judge.")

All that to say: I try my very hardest to not let people know I am "judging" their choice! Because, honestly, what I think doesn't matter. So, I will usually try to not even tell them I disagree unless they point blank ask me what I think. When I've been on the receiving end, any kind of unsolicited commentary or well meaning advice in disagreement with my choices feels like judgment to me. (ETA: Dirty looks count here, too. )

It's harder on the Internet when folks openly ask for opinions and advice. At that point, I think it's just about being polite and respectful and not making a broad judgment of someone as a person/parent. If you can't bring yourself to be nice, just don't even respond.

@Herrade: It's kind of hard to say anything about CIO, when people feel that way. I think CIO sucks. I wouldn't do it, short of some kind of post partum baby sleep induced psychosis or serious depression (which I actually got to with my first child, so it was on my radar). It's hard for me to understand how people are ok with letting their children cry short of that.

All of those things are judgmental, to people, and I never really know how to feel about it. Lots of my dear friends have done some kind of CIO, and I love them, and I don't think negative things about them because of it, but I still don't really understand it. I'm certainly not trying to judge. It's just a lack of comprehension. I guess that reads as judgement, which is unfortunate. I see a lot of people say 'this works for me, that works for you', and I honestly just don't feel that way about it. I guess that's judgement, but since it exists mostly in my head, I really don't feel bad about it. Everyone has things that they consider right and wrong, and this is one of them for me.

I think the only real solution is to just keep those thoughts in your own head and mind your own business about it. Which, honestly, I think we could all stand to do a lot more of when it comes to parenting. I don't usually agree with the choice to do CIO, but it's not my business, it isn't anyone else's problem, and I don't make it so. I also prefer to talk about the act, and not the person doing it I think CIO sucks, but I don't think that people who do it are terrible.

I think it's definitely possible to disagree with something FOR YOUR FAMILY without judging the other person. Whereas if you disagree with something IN GENERAL, you're probably judging people who do it. Because seriously? Who would do something like that, am I right?? A-holes.

For example, we don't co-sleep, use cloth diapers, or stay at home. But I certainly don't think any of those things are wrong and I can understand why other people do them. Those choices (sometimes not choices) weren't right FOR US. But they are still perfectly valid choices that work for other families.

On the other hand, I have strong beliefs that only feeding your kid once a day is cruel and I wouldn't be able to wrap my head around someone who did that. So if I met someone who did that, I'd definitely be judging them!

I think that disagreement/judgement is totally natural and I actually hate the whole "mommy wars" thing because people disagree with each other. On no other topic are people expected to think everyone else's choices are okay or that we should always be supportive of them. If you asked 10 people to list all of the things that are appropriate wedding guest attire, there would be a variety of opinions and disclaimers and clarifications for context, but nobody would expect that we all agree or else we're judging someone.

Parenting is such a broad topic, and everyone was raised differently, and most people don't even agree across the board with their partners, let alone family, friends, and people on the internet. A lot of these feelings and beliefs are very strong and emotional because parenting is close to the core of who we are and what our personalities and values are. It's no wonder that we feel sensitive about those choices and more prone to feeling like people are judging us.

I think pretty much every choice we make as a parent we make because we feel like it's better than the alternative. We don't spank because we think it's better than spanking. Other people do spank. We think that's worse than not spanking. Is that a judgement? Probably. But I think whatever it is, it's part of the normal process of shaping your values as a family. I love reading lots of different ways people do things so that I can be like - oh that's a great idea, or yikes, that's not a fit for me at all. It's a process of judgement I suppose, but I feel okay about that.

@daniellemybelle: yeah, I don't think it's a licence to be rude or anything. I wouldn't say to a guest at a wedding "you wore THAT?!" although I might say to a person on the internet that was soliciting a general opinion as to what they wore to a wedding what my opinion is, if that makes sense. Like with parenting, when my sister rolls her eyes or says mean things about what I am doing to address my kid crawling around the grocery store floor, I feel angry. When I raise the fact that my kid crawls around on the floor at the grocery store and I tried X and it didn't work and does anyone have a better idea at my parenting group, I am totally fine with anything anyone has to say.

I think some of this question is related to personality, also. I have a close person in my life who perceives all disagreement as judgement. I love this person dearly, and it is very hard to watch them constantly feeling criticised, insecure and judged when most of the time there is no negativity intended. It has really highlighted for me the differences between the two.