If you have one SAH parent, and WOH parent, what household duties is the WOH parent responsible for daily/weekly? I think we fall outside the norm, and I'm wondering how far...
If you have one SAH parent, and WOH parent, what household duties is the WOH parent responsible for daily/weekly? I think we fall outside the norm, and I'm wondering how far...
pineapple / 12793 posts
DH is responsible for putting away his laundry and doing the dishes while I put the girls to bed. He rarely does either.
He's also responsible for yard maintenance and snow shoveling. These he keeps up with.
nectarine / 2987 posts
@oliviaoblivia: Ah. Perhaps we are not as far away from the norm as I thought.
wonderful cherry / 21504 posts
I sah, DH woh. I do all of LO scheduling type things, meal plan, grocery shopping, day to day cleaning, but that slides a lot. He does financial stuff- earns the money, pays the bills. We share bigger cleaning stuff and he tried to help extra on the weekends so I get a break during the week (break as in I don't have fifty loads of laundry). He does very little cooking or meal planning or grocery shopping, but also never complains when I say I can't deal with it and we need to order in.
We have a toddler and four month old so I'm hoping things will settle down as they get older!
nectarine / 2018 posts
DH is supposed to take the trash and recycling to the trash room - I'd say he does it 60% of the time. He cooks DD breakfast 5 days a week but I do the rest of the cooking. He takes the cars in for maintenance when needed. I pretty much do everything else.
We rent so there are no outside chores. He works 55-60 hours a week. I don't necessarily love the division but I also really want his free time to be with DD...
wonderful cherry / 21504 posts
Oh yes- DH does all car maintenance and gets has most of the time (one car but I use it more frequently). He's supposed to take out the trash but we both forget pretty often. And we have a monthly cleaning guy for deep cleaning.
nectarine / 2987 posts
Ok looks like we are more normal than I thought. DH takes out the trash and does car maintenance. I do all the cleaning, shopping, cooking, scheduling, yard work, bills, laundry...
I was hoping everyone else's DHs did the dishes every night and did some big chores once a week!
nectarine / 2987 posts
@oliviaoblivia: Yes. Yes it does. If he even just unloaded the dishwasher once a day without me having to explicitly ask every time...
persimmon / 1436 posts
I WOH and DH SAH. I do most of the dishes and most of the laundry. We are both equally bad at picking up toys. DH usually takes out the garbage and recycling but I often roll them back to the house. I make almost all of the appointments for the family. I do the meal planning but DH cooks dinners most of the time but I play with the kids at that time. We do most grocery shopping as a family of 4 (I think this is nuts personally). He does maintenance on our cars himself.
I pay all the bills and get our tax stuff together also. I'm the one who picks out presents and mails cards as needed as well.
nectarine / 2987 posts
@Finfan: That sounds beautifully equitable. Although I agree that shopping as a family of four is maybe not ideal.
cantaloupe / 6687 posts
My DH WOH and he works a lot and travels as well. Generally I take care of everything at home except for yard and garage related stuff. I take care of daily home maintenance, dishes, cooking, laundry, garbage, groceries, bills, and taking care of LO. He does bedtime stories every night. We budget so we can have cleaners come every 2 weeks for more deep clean stuff. He never complains about what I cook and has no problem if I need a break and want to get take out or go out for a meal. I cook bc I generally enjoy it and I'm more particular about food. The weekends are family time and he basically spends all day with LO.
Right now I'm pregnant so he's doing a lot more bc I need the break and have the first tri nausea/exhaustion - like garbage and laundry and cooking for him and LO and going solo during the weekend while I sleep. But generally I take care of everything home and kid related when not pregnant. Some people might look and this and say it's imbalanced but we're happy and it works great for us. And I know things can/will shift with time and more kids, career changes, etc
pomelo / 5607 posts
Dishes and/or cooking (we tend to have whoever cooks not do dishes, but sometimes he does both), all yard work, put away his laundry, general picking up, and when he cleans on weekends he usually handles floors.
I used to be a housewife and the house was all mine. Now I take care of the baby and do what housework makes sense during the day, he works outside the home. Those are our jobs. The rest of the time we parent and clean equally (in theory at least).
wonderful cherry / 21504 posts
@MrsSRS: well DH is supposed to do the dinner dishes after I cook, and he does more often than not. And he unloads the dishwasher sometimes but not always. Will do laundry on weekends but never ever remembers to put the clothes away, which drives me mad.
We live in a condo so no outside chores. Basically we are just struggling to get by with a difficult two year old and a baby.
hostess / wonderful grape / 20803 posts
its honestly no different for me now than when I SAH -- Because even though I work, it's a lot fewer hours than he does. So, he had to take out trash, do snow removal and yard stuff. Also anything icky that I dont want to do around the house, and fixit type stuff (he's more handy than me). We've always split putting the boys to bed (and he does bath time while I prep Jammie's and clean up a little). He does one kid and I do the other. The older takes longer so whoever does the younger is in charge of dinner clean up. Our nanny does the laundry, God bless her. The only things I get annoyed about are that I pack him and unpack him when we go away. I feel he should do his own but it never happens.
squash / 13764 posts
I SAH. DH does the dishes occasionally, but will if I ask. He helps pick up toys at the end of the night. He will help put away laundry if I ask. He handles all financial stuff/bills/investments.
coconut / 8483 posts
I stay home DH works.
I take care of our son, try to keep things clean, grocery shop and cook most meals. Also pay the bills and keep things organized. Schedule is, ds, book appts, etc.
DH takes out garbage and usually cleans up after dinner. He's in charge of packing his own lunch. He also will sweep or vacuum when he sees it is needed. And someone empty the dishwasher but he often doesn't notice when it needs to be done... 🙄 He's in charge of putting his own clothes away (I wash and fold, he must hang up his own and put things in drawers).
He also does the outside stuff. But he does majorly slack at times. Like I always have to remind him to put the recycling out. And our lawn definitely could have been mowed this weekend but wasn't. He was doing other chores, but I'm sure he could have fit it in. He enjoys lounging after work, so typically I have to remind him almost daily of his chores which gets annoying. Like every. Single. Day. I remind him to feed the dogs dinner. But he basically does whatever I ask. If he came home from work and I said can you mop the floors while I make dinner he would do it. However I don't usually assign him that task
It's hard currently as he is on shift work for the month. So he got off of nights this morning. Got home around 715. Went to bed at 8am. Up at 430 or so. Showered. Had dinner with us. Out the door by 540 for work. Doesn't leave much time for him to help with anything!!
Oh ETA: he is amazing with our son and does bath time every night and we both do bed (which consists of walking up stairs and putting him in his crib). When he isn't working we split child care evenly or he does more.
hostess / cantaloupe / 6486 posts
He takes the trash out (I put it on the porch, he takes it to the dumpster) puts the toys in the livingroom away at the end of the night (usually takes 5 mins) and he is responsible for mowing the lawn.
papaya / 10343 posts
When I SAH I did childcare, laundry, grocery planning and shopping, all errands/bills, vacuuming, etc.
DH took care of trash and mowing/shoveling. He often cleaned up after dinner and on weekends if things were really messy we'd clean together.
pear / 1703 posts
We both work full time ( I'm currently on mat leave however, but everything stays the same)
DH takes out the garbage.
I do everything else.
pear / 1703 posts
@MrsSRS: sounds like we have a pretty similar division of labour.
It sucks! But what to do? Do I blame myself for not standing up long ago and saying no you do it? Do I blame his mom for babying him well into his 30s? Do I blame him for not offering to do more? Not sure. But I did insist on a cleaning lady because it's just too much work for one person - one willing and able person that is 🙄
apricot / 287 posts
I stay at home, DH works. I normally do most of the cleaning during the day, do the budget (all our bills are autopay), laundry, cooking. DH does the dinner dishes and sometimes puts our son to bed, as well as mow the lawn and usually takes out the trash.
I imagine that even if I worked, I still be the one who did most of the chore as I'm the one who notices and cares. DH will do things if I ask, but doesn't normally just assume cleaning needs to be done. He is really great about taking care of DS on weekends, though so I can have little bit of a break
persimmon / 1445 posts
I SAH and DH works long, irregular hours. I am responsible for all financial stuff (bills, taxes, budgets), appointments (making and taking myself and DD), grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking, bathrooms, sweeping/mopping, and day to day cleaning. DH is responsible for trash, vacuuming, and keeping the cars clean. We split laundry and DH helps out with dinner dishes if I don't get to it. I do most of the bedtime routine as well because DH often works until 11 pm, but if DH is home he will do it about half the time. I would say I do 85% of the housework and childcare related things. I feel like this is a lot, but I prefer to just get stuff done when DH isn't here so we can enjoy his time off together. We are both the type of person who can't leave a messy house so it just works out better. He has been doing a LOT since I am currently pregnant and it has been so nice to have that help while I've been sick.
honeydew / 7622 posts
I SAH, DH travels a fair amount for work but WAH about 2 days a week.
I don't consider it a chore but DH puts DD to bed every night which is nice for both of them. He takes care of the yard, keeps the cars gassed and detailed, we do dishes and unload the diswasher together a lot, puts away his laundry, most of the dog care.
I love that I can grocery shop while T is napping and he is working at home. I do all of our finances, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking.
We have a once every 3-4 week housecleaner.
pomegranate / 3231 posts
We both work.
I manage the schedule, do more financial stuff, and am the go-to parent due to toddler preference. I also handle things like gifts and other logistics. I usually cook breakfast on the weekends and am in charge of packing the toddler's snack for preschool. I am the default parent to get home and relieve the nanny at the end of the day. I almost always clean up the toys, and I clean up stray dishes in the morning before work.
My husband does most of the cooking and cleaning. (We get a LOT of takeout/delivery during the week.) He covers the morning shift with the toddler 2-3 days per week so I can go to the gym. He handles most of the home improvement projects, though I pitch in. He typically takes care of the laundry too.
Our nanny does the toddler's laundry and a lot of his food prep. She also straightens up and vacuums and occasionally empties the dishwasher.
Our house is often messier than I would like. But I really hate cleaning.
grapefruit / 4584 posts
I sah, DH woh.
I deal with all laundry (clothes plus changing linens/towels), tidying (toys and grown up stuff) organizing (switching out closets, seasonal/holiday stuff), dry cleaning, grocery and other shopping, meal planning, daytime dishes/emptying the dishwasher, kids activities/appointments) (selecting, scheduling, paying), booking baby sitters, minor cleaning, opening/sorting mail, family gifts....
DH often does the majority of our dinner clean up (I help put food away, he does dishes/wipes the table) while I shower. More recently he will pick up dinner or something to grill 1-2 nights per week. He pretty much exclusively does yard work and anything car related (getting gas, washing, inspection) other than moving it for street cleaning. I deal with that once a week.
I definitely think he does more than many men do, but there are definitely things I wish he'd do for himself (like put away his clothes/organize his own drawers/closet.
cantaloupe / 6131 posts
I stayed home for a year after DS1 was born, went back to work 3 days a week when he was 1, and am currently on maternity leave for #2 (due in like 10 days!).
DH has 2 jobs. He teaches at a college really far away 2-3 days a week, and the runs his own law practice from home. So he sorta WOH, sorta works form home, depending on the day.
I'm really interested to see how the household labor division is gonna work out once the new baby is here. We're in a good groove right now with our 20 month old son, but newborns are so hard!
On the childcare front, DH has pretty much handled bedtime and getting DS in the morning since infancy. He's pretty much always done bath and bedtime routine. When DS was on bottles, he did the first and last feeding of the day while I pumped and slept. Since DS has been walking and dropped bottles, DH has taken him for an almost-daily park trip. He also does about 60-70% of daycare pick up and drop off. Once DS2 arrives, DH knows I expect him to do more with the toddler, so we've been transferring a lot more responsibilities in that regard for a few months now.
Obviously most of the childcare was in my wheelhouse while I stayed at home. I did all the MOTN wakings until I got into my 2nd trimester of this pregnancy, but transitioned that over to DH. When DS1 was on bottles, I EPed for about 10 months, which required 3-4 hours a day because of my low supply. I handled all the food/solids/feeding stuff because my son had a lot of issues with eating.
In terms of household, we've always assigned household tasks to each other at different phases of our relationship depending on time and schedules. For instance, for the majority of our marriage he did most of the laundry and vacuuming, but that flipped at some point a few months ago because I just had more time to do it and his work ramped up. We also hired a housecleaner this year and got a Roomba, so he doesn't vacuum anymore and I don't have to clean bathrooms, stoves, or dust.
DH is the main breadwinner and he handles all the bills and finances. He gasses up the cars, keeps them maintained, and does recyling and garbage. DH also handles all "people stuff" - customer service calls, returning junk, dropping packages off, post office runs, letting people into the house for repairs or whatever. He helps fold laundry if he sees me doing it and when I was pumping and bottle feeding, he did the bottle wash and pump part washing every night. Usually when we have an infant in the house, he also tends to do the dishes more. I suspect that will come back into play once the baby is born, although I'm hoping BFing works out better this time and I wont have to pump and bottle feed as much.
I handle all the household planning, scheduling, cooking, shopping, travel arranging, etc. I find the sitters, the housecleaner, the lawn service, exterminator, etc. I make sure everyone has seasonally appropriate clothes in the right sizes, make the doctors appointments, buy gifts, send cards, remind DH of holidays and events, etc. I do ALL the cooking and grocery shopping and packing lunches and anything related to food. If there's organizing or packing or cleaning to be done, I'm the one who does it (DH is hoarder and natural slob).
We had a heck of a time adjusting after DS1 (colic, severe reflux, PPD/PPA for me, BFing woes, etc.) so we've tried to mitigate stress that may come from adding a new baby by keeping DS in full-time daycare for the time being, hiring a housecleaner to come twice a month, getting that Roomba, and getting in the habit of using a regular sitter for our toddler while I've been pregnant so that I don't have anxiety about hiring someone after the baby comes.
Overall, I feel like DH does a lot around the house considering how many hours he works. On days he works from home, he's usually working from 9am-4pm with a lunch break, then he goes to pick up DS at daycare and spends the evening with us until DS is in bed at 7:30pm. Then he's back in his office grinding away until about 11pm. Even on days he commutes, he still works in his office from after DS' bedtime to 11pm or later.
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
I stayed home for 2 years after the birth of my son, my husband worked an office job, we lived in a 3 bedroom 2 bath apartment on one floor, no yard to take care of.
I did all the housework, including the grocery shopping and cooking. I did all laundry, etc. My husband paid the bills.
In all honesty, there really wasn't that much that needed to be done. I'd rather my husband spend time with our son rather than fold a load of laundry that I could easily accommodate during the day.
nectarine / 2987 posts
@looch: Yes, now that I think about it the housework felt more manageable when we only had one child. And I wasn't also working part time.
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
@MrsSRS: part time work counts too! It's hours you don't have in your day. I also think taking care of small children is more difficult, once they are in school, it is a different kind of hustle.
I have never aspired to any kind of equal division of labor with my husband though. It gets into competitive territory and keeping score, which leads to resentment.
nectarine / 2987 posts
@looch: True. Yes, equal isn't really possible. But I think doing the dishes after dinner is reasonable.
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
@MrsSRS: have you asked him to do the dishes? My husband responds really well when I ask him to do something with a clear timeline, otherwise he just does it on his own sweet time.
nectarine / 2987 posts
@looch: Yes. We need to revisit the conversation as it's been a while.
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
@MrsSRS: I know it feels like you shouldn't have to, but I've found that not everyone prioritized chores in the same way.
nectarine / 2987 posts
@looch: Oh I know that's true. We hashed out the best ways to communicate these things gs before we had kids. I know he needs really clear direction. It seems like it should he unnecessary, but it's not, so there you have it. My real question was whether or not it was unreasonable to be wanting more help. DH does have a very physically demanding job and he works long hours so he comes home exhausted and I feel like it's a bit different than if he had an office job, but still...
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
@MrsSRS: I don't think it is unreasonable to ask for or need help, I think my post might have come across that I didn't think that to be true. I just can say for our situation at the time, there wasn't that much that needed to be done and I could mange it on my own.
I've since returned to work and we hired a Housecleaner because I just can't do it all, my husband doesn't want to and we both don't want to live in a messy house.
nectarine / 2987 posts
@looch: No, I understood you, no worries. It was really lovely to remember when I stayed home with DS and was totally on top of everything. I had forgotten!!
persimmon / 1467 posts
I work very pt. Some of it is evening/dinner hours so I'll leave DH with cooking instructions. Other than that I do food: cooking, shopping, meal planning.
DH and I share dishes. I used to wash them all during the day because I'm faster than him but being pregnant it hurts my back so be washes everything that doesn't go in the dishwasher.
I do laundry. He'll help put it away it switch a load if I ask him to, but really isn't reliable with that. I buy all our clothes and a lot of household stuff.
DH does a lot of the big cleaning and I do the daily picking up. He takes out the trash but with all of this I do it if it starts to get to me before it gets to him. I'm lucky that he has a lower threshold for dirt tolerance than I do. But I care more about cluter.
He takes care of cars, pays most the bills, and does house projects and more the lawn. I do the painting and organizing of the house and take care of the plants.
We basically each take care of the things we care about and are good at. I actually feel badly right now because he has to do a lot more than usual because I am 35 weeks and had hand surgery a month ago.
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