Things have felt rough lately. Our DS2 is hitting the tantrum phase and is pretty difficult right now at 19 months. Our DS1 has always been fairly difficult- just a very very stubborn personality. We try to set limits and aren't super permissive. We do not allow a lot of screen time and try to spend quality time together as a family. We are loving but firm, I think. ... but it feels so hard so much of the time. I feel like I'm constantly battling my kids and not getting to enjoy them. It's exhausting. And I constantly feel like I must be screwing it all up because no one else seems to be going through this. And if I'm not messing up, is it just my kids? Because that is upsetting too. Feeling pretty down, y'all!
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@travellingbee: every single thing you just said. You are not alone. And my latest book purchase is "Taming the Spirited Child", to give an example of where things are around here. I think our kids are almost the same ages- my newly 4 yo in particular is just making life so hard right now and I feel like I respond all wrong to her. I'm hoping this book (recommended by our pediatrician at her 4 year appt) can help.
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@Foodnerd81: I'll look into it. Thanks. It helps to know I'm not alone for sure!
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@travellingbee: it's not just your kids and you're not messing it up! I feel like people just don't really talk about this stuff in real life. Or maybe everyone's battles are just different? I read the books & follow the FB pages (and have a gosh-darn early childhood degree) and I still feel like a screw-up 80% of the time.
I've really like "No Drama Discipline" recently and feel like it's helped me deal with my nearly 5 year old's frequent emotional outbursts. (Basically, he's normal & I bet your older son is too). Mostly when I feel like I'm sucking I try to give myself 5 parenting compliments and set 1 goal.Also, our younger kids are the same age but I was like "19 months - no way is DD that old!" Expect, obviously she is (and a freakin gold medal champion in losing her shit)
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LO doesn't throw Tantrums yet but he's a big biter and hitter and has been consistently for over 2 months now. Nothing we've tried has worked, and it's getting me depressed. I know part of it is we probably just don't pay enough attention to him, because I think he's doing it to get attention. But like, chores have to get done, lessons have to get made, pregnant mama needs to lie down.
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Almost 3 and 15 months here. I try to think of this season as training years that lay the foundation for the future. My kids know I love them and while sure I want them to adore me and think I'm great, but it's more important to me that I raise men that aren't jerks and can be polite and respect others. So I'm going to be a stick in the mud and be the bad cop and if they don't like it, tough. They NEED boundaries and I'm the only one who cares enough to give them so I'm going to take the brunt of the tantrums and meanness and hitting and screaming and hope society benefits.
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You are absolutely not alone. My DS1 has one of the biggest personalities I know. Which means so much joy and so much every other emotion to go with it. I used to think, I am obviously a F up mom until I realized other people and caretakers also were aware of him being this way. It is really hard so often, and then we had the wise idea to have DS2 23 months apart. I just remind myself that my kids are who they are and we do what we need to do and try not to worry about my perception of how hard or easy other people's kids seem.
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Totally normal to feel this way. I read an article recently about something similar and the author wrote some "inspirational messages" to herself and put them in prominent places. And at first I thought that idea is super cheesy, but then I also thought, why not try?
The messages were:
Try to focus on flowers, not weeds
Choose Love every time
I know that sounds silly, but I personally have probably 1000 little interactions a day with my husband and kids and other people and if I could just make those two things my mantra, I would probably be much happier myself. And I really do believe that being happy yourself goes a long way to having happy kids and a happy marriage.
Even if I only hit that target 30% of the time, that's an improvement.
ETA: specifically your line about battling your kids and not getting to enjoy them. It sounds silly but just don't battle them as much. That's something I deal with too and I have to reframe my mindset---not everything is worth a battle. They don't want to eat? Okay, we'll eat later. They both want the same toy at the same time? Instrad of punishing them by taking it away, I'll find a way they can play with it at the same time. If one kid hits another, in the past I would have shouted, then angrily stuck the offender in a crib for a time out while they scream, then I would have tried to lecture on why hitting isn't good, and all in all wasted 30 min of time to have them turn around and hour later and do it again. Now I just simply grab their hand and show gentle touch and say hitting hurts and move on or try to stay more checked in so I can moderate these things before they happen. Like just less punitive and more understanding and preventative instead. Not sure if any of that makes sense.
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I try to pick my battles and remember my son's perspective. That doesn't help 100% of the time, but it diffuses a lot of situations.
Sometimes that means trying to understand why he wants something so that I can suggest an appropriate alternative. "No, you can't jump on the couch but you CAN jump on the ginormous oversized teddy bear we bought at Costco!"
Sometimes that means accepting that things may not go according to plan. We might cut our hike short because he's losing it. I try not to schedule 9am meetings at work because my child does not respond well to being rushed in the morning.
Sometimes I know his behavior is due to being tired after a long day, or being hungry. In those cases I am usually a bit more lenient and often offer screen time to help him unwind. In those cases, pushing back hard simply escalates the situation.
And sometimes I have to draw the line. "You are going to your room if you don't stop [torturing the cat/kicking me/telling me to shut up/etc.]." I usually count to three, and that typically gets a productive response.
I try to remember that I am the adult, so I have better control over and understanding of my emotions than he does. So, when I can, I try to help him navigate his challenging emotions.
Note: This does not mean that I never lose my patience! It's a process!
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I think we're all doing it wrong at some point or another...I mean, there is no way I make the absolute right and best decision 100% of the time, and there's no way everyone else is doing it either.
I also try to remember that my "good enough" is someone else's "best in class" option and vice versa. Helps me maintain perspective.
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