I sometimes look at bees charts and I am astonished to see that they are not BD more often in their TTC quest. Particularly those who have been trying for a long time and haven't got a male factor or a low libido man. Wouldn't you just do SME or EOD at some point? I mean I know it's exhausting but I am still surprised especially when I see it in several charts passed. I get tempted to ask but then I feel like a jerk and a ninny which I know I kind of am for thinking of this! Haha am I alone in my feelings about this? Maybe it's my type A persona but I would be so much more get her done!
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I guess I just assume they're really busy/have some other reason?
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Well, we have MFI and ended up doing IVF so it didn't matter in the long run but DH and I work opposite schedules so fitting in BD was a task in and of itself. I did have him wake me up one night when he got home though when I knew (confirmed by RE) that I was going to ovulate.
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I can't speak for others but I know dealing with infertility, our men (my DH) can feel like a piece of meat. After trying for 18 months, it can be tough on both of us. So we might not able to BD as often as possible. My DH does have a male factor so let's just say we can't do it as much as everyone else. Especially for IUI, we do the IUI and try to BD around the date. With IUI, you, also, have to abstain from BD to get the best sample.
TTC and IF is hard. Also, when I chart, I don't like people knowing when I BD, so I usually keep that stuff private. They know when I ovulate and take meds but showing when I BD is bit more than I'm willing to share. I'm fine with others sharing but it's a bit more personal for me.
Also, maybe they BD'd but didn't chart it. I wouldn't worry about it and personally, please don't look into it further. Last thing I need is for my charting friends to worry about why I'm not BDing.
Oh, believe me, when I started TTC back in November of 2011, we BD'd as many times as possible. I'll admit it...it gets tiring after TTC for your first LO after 2 years and 3 months and counting...
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Nope.
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More is not always better. The longer we had been TTC, the less often we did it, because it turned more into work than anything. Hard to understand unless you've been there, though. I don't chart, though.
To me, it's like wondering why people get super upset when they aren't pregnant the first month. Just...unrelatable
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I agree with @BluestripedBee, it can start to be a daunting task for the men (and women too!) after so many months of trying. My DH does not have a low sperm count or anything like that, but psychologically, he can put a lot of pressure on himself and it just doesn't "work out." And for the sake of our relationship, I cannot put pressure on him every single night, even if I know it's a "good" night. Even every other day, sometimes it's a "failure." It's very tough on our relationship; we're trying, and desperately want our first child, but my wonky cycles have added a lot of pressure to the fact that any day/week could be my FW and when I fail to ovulate it's so disappointing and we don't know when we have to try again. It's exhausting to say the least to have a 65+ day cycle and have my body gear up to O at least 3 times before it finally does.
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My husband doesn't have a very high libido.
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I don’t because I don’t question the frequency or quality of anyone’s sex life (that's their own biz!) and also because I imagine “have more sex!” sounds to many the same as “just relax and you’ll get pregnant!”.
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@yoursilverlining: Very true!!
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What do you consider "not enough"?
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@yoursilverlining: the latter was exactly my thought, but I like the sentiment of the former as well.
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If it's easy to do it everyday, we would! I think a lot of us TTCers try to BD EOD or everyday 3-4 days. For DH, our schedules, sex drive, energy level, and other things going on in life really don't warrant for BD every single day...
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Echoing the others... No way. Waaay too many variables surrounding BD and really it's none of my business.
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Nope. My DH travels so not like we could have done it more then we do. And you don't need to have sex every day to get pregnant. Plus what isn't a lot to you might be to them.
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I don't personally Mark BD down on my chart, it doesn't tell me anything about my cycle so I don't see it as necessary. I think the longer you try, the more difficult it becomes, the first month we did it every day and now I have to be careful because DH feels the pressure and if I go for twice in a row there's a chance the important stuff just won't happen. It's also hard for me yo get in the mood sometimes when I'm thinking 'it didn't happen before so why would it happen this time.
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Nope, the frequency/infrequency of another couple's sex life is NONE of my business (even if they post their BD activity on their public FF chart!)
I will say, though, BD every day IS exhausting (both physically and mentally)...especially after trying for so long. My husband has trouble performing if I nag him to bone every day. So, I'll settle for my "less than stellar" timing if it means having a happy, appreciated husband!
I will also add that if a couple HAS been trying for as long as I have, for example, I think the issue more likely than not doesn't have any easy fix (i.e., BD more). Just my 2 cents.
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I don't look at people's charts or wonder anything BUT I think when one posts one's chart, it is sort of inviting others to consider the data therein! Right? I thought that was the idea? (Never shared my own chart but I thought it was like for collaboration/idea purposes.)
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Erm. I think you never know what's going on in other people's bedrooms... especially after TTC for 6 months +... work schedules, travel schedules, and libido among other things... not to mention "HONEY I'M OVULATING AT SOME POINT IN THE NEXT TWO WEEKS SO WE HAVE TO HAVE SEX EVERY OTHER DAY MMKAY?" is often not such a turn on. I think there are a LOT of factors that go into it.
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@yoursilverlining: word.
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Having more sex doesn't equal to "get her done."
I agree with what so many others have typed out here. It's a complex situation with a lot of factors involved.
I've hidden my sex frequency from the public view b/c it felt too private. I'm glad I did that and will keep it that way!
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@yoursilverlining: Yup
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I will agree with the OP. I'm not talking though about people with IF, or just random people on the street. But those that are in the first year of trying, are assumed to be healthy, and are publicly sharing their charts. I would never bring it up to charters or anything but I do wonder sometimes.
I feel like I see it more with people just starting who maybe don't know that you can try for EOD or about the SMEP to try to increase your odds. Most of us were raised being told "it only takes once" and it does, but why not increase your chances (again, assuming both partners are healthy). I think more of my wonder is when people have charts with only one or two days of BD that aren't even timed well and then they wonder why they aren't getting a BFP and are frustrated as the months go on.
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Nope. Everyday or every other day sex equals a yeast infection for me...so we would never be able to do it that frequently, baby or no baby.
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I do question it. Not in a "what's wrong with them way," but just out of curiosity. It's actually interesting to read the answers here, because they make it make more sense.
That being said, we definitely had some issues where DH would agree to EOD or ED, then whine or not be up for it when the time came. It was frustrating, and we never even had any issues getting pregnant!
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@T.H.O.U.: What does EOD and SMEP stand for?
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@T.H.O.U.: I agree with you.
I don't even look at people's charts and I don't chart. Also, I know I cannot even imagine the stress/pain/frustration/ emotions that those dealing with IF are going through, especially those still trying for their first. I do not question one bit that they are making every effort. However, people who freely discuss their BD schedule and say they BD once or twice...well, even though I feel their pain/frustration I do wonder whether they should have tried to BD more often that cycle. I wonder this about myself! I will say that the cycle we got pregnant with LO we only managed to BD once during my fertile window bc I was so sick.
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When taking clomid, the doctor advises to BD every other day for 5-7 days before/during ovulation. When we got pregnant without clomid, we did the exact same thing. We've had months where we've done it more and hadn't had any better luck than when we did it less...
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@MrsMccarthy: My DH works such long hours that SMEP is not possible. We aim for EOD.
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@Smurfette: every other day/sperm meets eggs plan.
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@Happygal: Thanks!
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I give the side eye to newbie TTCers who BD, like, once a month and then whine about how it's taken them 3 whole months to get KU... but I pretty much side eye anything that has to do with a complete lack of knowledge about TTC when you are actually TTC.
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@septca: does this happen here on HB? Maybe b/c I dropped out of the POAS threads pretty early on, but it seems like members here are pretty educated about the whole TTC process.
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@septca: agree.
Again I'm not judging anyone who can't due to time or physical issues. But assuming you are a normal healthy couple who live together working a 9-5 and you ask for feedback on your chart or why it isn't happening then yes I would question why you aren't trying more often.
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@Happygal: Yes, every once in a while. And then one of us seasoned old ladies will very nicely give them some good info about how to get the job done... so they aren't ignorant TTCers for long. Can't have that in our midst!
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@T.H.O.U.: Working 9-5? What's that?
DH and I are out of the house by 7:30 a.m., home by 7:30 p.m. at the earliest, sometimes later. We make it work though! No excuses allowed -
@Happygal: I definitely see users (usually new ones) who have some silly questions about TTC or are overall pretty clueless.
It's not a problem, I'm happy to help steer them in the right direction.
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Haha again I know this is totally none of my business and I don't mean to judge anyone but I must admit sometimes I see a chart someone posted and I am kind of unsure why they keep trying the same thing and expecting the same result. Of course it's none of my business but you know I just see it and I wonder because I feel like I wouldn't want to be naive about ovulation. It's very hard to truly pinpoint unless you are being monitored and even then I'm sure it can be tricky. I have totally had times when my husband wouldn't cooperate or I was naively sure if covered myself or might be fine so I really don't mean to seem like I am saying I know all or that it's easy to work it out. Sending love and apologies to anyone offended by this post. I don't intend to offend. Just wanted insight from those willing to offer it.
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@LindsayInNY: I know right. I would totally like one of those! We are out around 7 home around 5:30 so I can't complain much.
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So I'm in my first 6 months, and am one of those people. We have no knowledge of IF factors, but we have busy schedules and I have a low libido. A healthy sex life for us IS 1-2x a month. Its better than every 4 months, which happened for a while. Unless you've been there it's not exactly easy for me to have sex more than that. Physically and emotionally it's forced sex, which can be bad on many different levels. So, I mean we try to get it done, but it doesnt mean we don't desparetly want a child just as much as the next couple
DH and I are out of the house by 7:30 a.m., home by 7:30 p.m. at the earliest, sometimes later. We make it work though! No excuses allowed Subscribe to our newsletter
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