my baby is dark skinned african american with big cute afro. She is the only african american baby in her infant class. In fact in the whole daycare. There is one other child who might have african american origins. I say this because her hair is afro-textured, but she is very light skinned and looks caucasian. Sometimes I do wonder if people's racial opinions will affect how they treat my baby or how much they "like" her. especially as she grows up. Is this an unreasonable fear? I mentioned to a caucasian friend about how LO was the only black baby in her class and she asked me why I didnt find a daycare that was more racially diverse. Does it matter?
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I think you have the right to be a little afraid of that, and I think it's up to you if you want your child to be in a daycare where there is a more diverse population. If you're comfortable where your LO is and there aren't any issues, then I don't see why you shouldn't keep her there. I don't think that you should just write it off and assume that people will treat her differently because chances are she'll have a great experience there. But if you're worried, just keep an eye out.
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Great question! I do worry about it all the time, especially since the schools here are pretty segregated. We have a pretty healthy "brown" population, but not so many African American folks. We've done our best to live in the most diverse neighborhood we could. We also picked a school that had lots of diversity, even if it wasn't black kids. Lala has Turkish, Latino and Asian kids in her class.
We also belong to an AA adoptee play group so many of Lala's playmates are black. I think one of the best things we can do is put our kids in as many diverse situations as possible.
We also talk about issues of race in our family all the time... most of the time it's just subtle stuff like reading a book with African American lead characters, but sometimes the door is open for a deeper conversation.
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Honestly, no. Because I think regardless of if your LO is in diverse situations or not there will come a day in their life where they will be faced with discrimination. Whether you're Caucasian, Asian, African American, Latino, etc etc.
The best we can do is to raise our children to be above that and know that those people who do judge for skin color are the "little" ones.
I've seen it plenty in my life and certainly when my husband and I go out. Just because you're in a diverse city doesn't mean people still aren't small minded. We've just learned to stare right back and make them uncomfortable!
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@regberadaisy: I definitely agree to some extent, but I do believe you have to arm your children to cope . (I put an example in my blog post today.)
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I live in a country that is not very racially diverse. I can count the number of times I have seen a darker skinned person on one hand.
Having said that, the lack of cultural and racial diversity is actually one of the reasons we are moving.
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@Mrs. Jacks: Absolutely! I guess that's what I was trying to say here:
"The best we can do is to raise our children to be above that and know that those people who do judge for skin color are the "little" ones." -
I definitely think about this more when he gets bigger. I am not looking forward to the first time he is picked on or discriminated against because of racial/ethnic background. I still remember my first childhood experience and its def left an indelible impression on me both good and bad.
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@Mrsbells: I worry about this often. I don't think it's an unreasonable fear at all.
I'm black and was bussed to a predominately white school for the gifted program and I can tell you that it definitely affected my self-esteem to be one of the few black girls. (One of our teachers even made the 4 black girls sit together in the middle of the classroom). I know LO will experience discrimination at some point, but I want to do my best to surround her with playmates who look like her, as well as those who don't.
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@mrsjazz: That is absolutely horrible that you were all seated together!!!! That pi$$es me off.
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Thanks everyone for the responses... its helping me through my though processes.
@mrsjazz: wow what was the teachers reason for putting you all together in the middle? so random! -
@regberadaisy: I know. I didn't even realize how bad this was until I was older!
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We aren't pregnant yet and I worry about this! Some of it is because I feel like we can't make the *right* choices for our future LOs. If we move to the area where they can get the best public education, the schools lack the diversity we want for them; if we move (or stay) where there is more diversity, the public schools aren't where I'd want them to be academically; if we found a way to send them to a diverse private school, they'd likily be 'the poor kid'. So how do you balance all of that?? DH was a relatively poor child of African immigrant parents in a wealthy, predominantly white, private school. It was awful for him.
I also worry about it within our family. DH's little cousins yell racial things at each other, calling one another 'white girl' even though they are all from African parents, so I don't know what it means to them when they say those things to each other. I worry that they will exclude our future LOs because they will be part white.
I worry that a sense of pride in one's heritage is what gives one strength when faced with adversity, but because our children will be less white than I am, less black than DH is, less African & at the same time less American, that the LESS will be the focus rather than that they will be MORE because of the diversity found in them. After we were married, many of the ppl that DH grew up with, ones that had shown the most pride in their heritage, shared many hateful thoughts about how we were 'watering down the race'. I want our LOs around people who are proud of black American culture, as well as African immigrant culture, but not those that treat interracial marriages as unacceptable or biracial children as undesirable. I feel a bit lost as to how to expose them to pride without exposing them to ethnocentrism.
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@mrs. bird: I provided some references for mixed race kids in the comments of the blog post. I also think a post on mixed race kids is in order!
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@mrs. bird: It makes me sad to hear stories like that. I'm not African, but I know some kids in my neighborhood growing up used to call me "white girl" because of the way I spoke and acted--they thought I was trying to be better than them by speaking proper English and, um going to school.
We are having the same issue with regards to where we live and what school LO will go to in the future. I think you have to expose your future LOs to both: being prideful/happy in the skin they're in, as well as the ethnocentrism...just in an age appropriate manner.
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We definitely plan to talk to the kids about race, but at the same time I think it's important to flesh out other parts of their identity so that race is just one part of their identity.
I think that makes it easier to make it through the difficulties that come up when you are of mixed race.
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@mrs. bird: wow i felt quite sad reading your post. Thanks for sharing you fears and concerns as well. It is a difficult situation with no easy answer. My husband is west african so I do understand where you are coming from with that post.
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@Mrsbells: I'm sorry to have written such a downer of a novel response! It's not something I have much opportunity to discuss openly IRL, so I appreciate this thread & the chance to let that out & hear other people's thoughts as well.
May I ask if you live in an area where there is little diversity or if your school isn't representative of the population in your area? We have a large west Africa population in our area and I love that we will have the chance to bring our LOs to cultural events that celebrate west African culture. Honestly though, I don't want our children attending public schools here even though I think it would increase their connection to the black American & African parts of their heritage. Even beyond the academics, schools elsewhere could shield them from exposure to gangs, etc. but at the risk of further marginalizing them. Oy. Tough stuff!
@mrsjazz: Thank you for your response! May I ask if looking back you wish your parents had made the same or different choices regarding your schooling? In our home, I will expect them to speak proper English. I want that to be their default vernacular so that when they grow up and need to be heard and respected in a professional setting, their speech isn't limiting them. DH has recorded rap albums that are not proper English, and that is totally fine and if he's hanging out with friends, whatever, but I think because his default is proper English, he had an easier time in college & in professional settings.
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@mrs. bird: Kind of a side note, but I've learned to be careful about distinguishing between "proper English" and "nonstandard English" (aka Ebonics, Black English, Black English Vernacular, or African American Vernacular English). This is a pretty good summary:
"Most linguists would characterize Ebonics as a dialect of English. Some (usually strong believers in the creole hypothesis) claim that, due to its pidgin and creole origins, it is a separate language. All linguists, however, agree that Ebonics cannot correctly be called 'bad English', 'slang', 'street talk', or any of the other labels that suggest that it is deficient or not a full-fledged linguistic system. Whatever kind of critter Ebonics is, from the point of view of grammatical complexity, it is the same kind of critter as what is called 'standard English', 'proper English' or 'correct English'." [1]
I agree that American English is often more appropriate in professional settings, but I found it helpful to think of the two forms of English as just different dialects or languages (rather than one being more proper or correct). I used to do a lot of tutoring, and you could tell which tutors thought that students speaking incorrectly versus just in a different dialect. I think I first saw a discussion of this stuff in a book by Steve Pinker.
Anyway, sorry to take the convo off topic!
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@mrs. bird: I wouldn't change my schooling but I wished my mom would've talked to me more about race--that would've helped.
@mrbee: Interesting link. I use "proper English" to describe the way I speak--but this link gives me a new perspective.
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@mrbee: very good point! I should try not to use the term 'proper' as it does have a judgmental tone to it. I don't think those using Ebonics are of less intelligence, less educated or less articulate, but often society perceives those using Ebonics this way, which is where my preference for standard English comes from.
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yes, DH and i are hispanic...and unfortunaltly people always feel that we are "here" to take something away from others...and the stuff that is going around in arizona and anti-immigration laws scare me....i have had a few friends stopped by ICE because they were hispanic, and they were US citizens...
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@mrs. bird: yeah we live in the suburbs and its not a very diverse area at all so thats playing a big part of the issue. we moved here because it was closer to our jobs and the public schools are much better than in city and metro areas which are more diverse. Its like we cant win either way
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Yeah. I'm in an interracial marriage (I am Black and DH is white), and I am currently very early in my first pregnancy. I actually worry about this if we have a son moreso than if we have a daughter. I don't really have any male friends period, so I worry about our son's ability to have Black male role models. All of my family lives in another country currently, and my husband has a very un-diverse group of male friends (although as a couple, we are friends with an extremely racially and culturally diverse group of people). I know what some of my friends have gone through as Black and Latino males, and I worry about being able to make sure that any future son is prepared to enter a world that may seem him in a particular way. Anyhoo..that's just my worry. I actually need to have a son first, right?
@Mrs.Jazz - Hmm...I went to a similar program, so maybe we know each other?
I speak "proper" English to the point where some people in some professionals settings do a double take when they meet me in person. Apparently, I didn't sound "Black" enough on the phone. I also can speak with a Caribbean accent, so I suspect I will also be confused as my child's Caribbean nanny, which are pretty common here in Brooklyn. I have about 3 different speaking voices. -
@BKCaribBaby: At least your child will have one black parent. Imagine my disadvantage
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Yes, I worry about this often. I worry about this NOW when she's 11 months old and she waves at other kids. I don't know how their parents will react. Most have been nice, but i dread the day one isn't.
@BKCaribBaby: I have a daughter, but when I was pregnant, I worried about this as well. We are both black and I have black male family members (my dad is deceased.), but I was worried about a son because of how he can and will be treated.
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@Mrs. Jacks: Ha! Yes, but honestly, Mrs. Jacks, I think you guys are doing a great job and are mindful of these issues. There are a lot of people who are not and would not take many of the steps that you are. Kudos to you guys!
@MsMamaBear: I don't think the worry will ever stop, huh? At this point, I'm just hoping that this pregnancy lasts.
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I worry about it. Sweden is still very much a homogeneous country and the recent increase in immigration is disproportionately represented by refugees. This has affected the local sentiments on immigrants in general and adds a whole shlew of stereotypes.
Not to mention the automatic assumption that any Asian woman is a "mail order" bride, because surprisingly, there's quite a few. My LO is half Asian and although I'm not as concerned about people treating her badly (they're generally nice to kids here) I am worried about her perception of how society will view her mom (me as an Asian mom and all the stereotypes).
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I worry about this quite a lot. DH doesn't as much because he is black and had a relatively easy childhood, and now adulthood. It just makes me sad that people automatically view children of color as somehow different and "exotic," and they can't just be regular kids without their race being their biggest characteristic. But Mrs. Bee really nailed it when she said that developing their identity outside of their race is really important to combating this as they grow up.
We are having the same issue with regards to where we live and what school LO will go to in the future. I think you have to expose your future LOs to both: being prideful/happy in the skin they're in, as well as the ethnocentrism...just in an age appropriate manner.
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